Soft Skills & Emotional Intelligence

I was shadowing a coaching client in her leadership meeting when I watched this brilliant woman apologize six times in 30 minutes. 1. “Sorry, this might be off-topic, but..." 2. “I'm could be wrong, but what if we..." 3. “Sorry again, I know we're running short on time..." 4. “I don't want to step on anyone's toes, but..." 5. “This is just my opinion, but..." 6. “Sorry if I'm being too pushy..." Her ideas? They were game-changing. Every single one. Here's what I've learned after decades of coaching women leaders: Women are masterful at reading the room and keeping everyone comfortable. It's a superpower. But when we consistently prioritize others' comfort over our own voice, we rob ourselves, and our teams, of our full contribution. The alternative isn't to become aggressive or dismissive. It's to practice “gracious assertion": • Replace "Sorry to interrupt" with "I'd like to add to that" • Replace "This might be stupid, but..." with "Here's another perspective" • Replace "I hope this makes sense" with "Let me know what questions you have" • Replace "I don't want to step on toes" with "I have a different approach" • Replace "This is just my opinion" with "Based on my experience" • Replace "Sorry if I'm being pushy" with "I feel strongly about this because" But how do you know if you're hitting the right note? Ask yourself these three questions: • Am I stating my needs clearly while respecting others' perspectives? (Assertive) • Am I dismissing others' input or bulldozing through objections? (Aggressive) • Am I hinting at what I want instead of directly asking for it? (Passive-aggressive) You can be considerate AND confident. You can make space for others AND take up space yourself. Your comfort matters too. Your voice matters too. Your ideas matter too. And most importantly, YOU matter. @she.shines.inc #Womenleaders #Confidence #selfadvocacy

Want to stay motivated every single day? Borrow a strategy from Harvard. Then borrow another from stand up comedy. Together, they’re a powerhouse for momentum, motivation, and mastery. Here’s how it works: Let’s start with Harvard. Researcher Teresa Amabile studied 12,000 daily work diaries across 8 companies. She wanted to know: What truly motivates people on a day to day basis? What she found changed how we understand drive. The #1 driver of daily motivation wasn’t: Money Praise Perks It was progress. The days people made progress on meaningful work were the days they felt the best. Progress isn’t a luxury. It’s a psychological necessity. So how do we make progress feel visible especially on days when it’s not? Use a “Progress Ritual.” → At the end of the day, pause. → Write down 3 small ways you moved forward. → That’s it. No fanfare. Just ritual. This works because we rarely notice our progress in real time. It gets buried under busyness, meetings, and mental noise. The act of looking back gives your brain the reward it needs to keep going. Momentum builds from meaning. Now let’s add some comedy. Young Jerry Seinfeld had one goal: write new material every day. To stay on track, he created a brilliant system. Each day he wrote, he put a big red X on his calendar. Soon, a chain of Xs formed. And here’s the key: Don’t break the chain. One red X becomes two. Two becomes ten. Ten becomes identity. Whether you’re writing, coding, or training Daily action + visual chain = long-term motivation. Summary: The Two-Part Motivation System From Harvard: Record 3 ways you made progress each day. From Seinfeld: Mark an X for each day you show up then don’t break the chain. Progress fuels purpose. Consistency fuels confidence. Apply both and you’ll stay on track especially on the tough days. Because when your days get better, your weeks get better. When your weeks get better, your months get better. When your months get better, your life gets better. It starts with one small win today.

🥊 “Jingjin, have you ever considered that women are just inferior to men?” That was her opening line. The lady who challenged me was not a traditionalist in pearls. She was one of the top investment bankers of her time, closed billion-dollar deals, led global teams, the kind of woman whose voice dropped ten degrees when money was on the line. And she meant it. “Back in my day, if I had to hire, I’d always go for the man. No pregnancy leave. No PMS. No emotional volatility. Just less… liability.” And she doesn’t believe in what I do. Helping women lead from a place of wholeness. Because to her, wholeness is a luxury. Winning requires neutrality. And neutrality means: be less female and suck it up! I’ve heard versions of this many times, and too often, from high-performing women who "made it" by suppressing. But facts are: 🧠 There are no consistent brain differences between men and women that explain men’s “logic” or women’s “emotions.” 💥 Hormones impact everyone. Men’s testosterone drops when they nurture. Women’s cortisol rises in toxic workplaces, not because they’re weak, but because they’re sane. 📉 What we call “meritocracy” is often a reward system for those who can perform like they have no body, no children, no cycles. None of those are biologically male traits. They’re artifacts of a system built around male lives. So, if you're a woman who's bought into this logic, here are some counter-strategies: 🛠 1. Study Systems Like You Studied Deals Dissect the incentives, norms, and bias loops of your workplace the same way you’d break down a P&L. Don’t internalize what’s structural. 🧭 2. Redefine Strategic Strengths Stop mirroring alpha aggression to prove you belong. Deep listening, self-regulation, and nuance reading, these are leadership assets, not soft skills. Use them ruthlessly. 💬 3. Name It, Don’t Numb It If your hormones impact you one day a month, say so, but also say what it doesn’t mean: It doesn’t cancel out 29 days of clarity, strategy, and execution. 🪩 4. Build Your Own Meritocracy Start investing in spaces, networks, and cultures where your wholeness isn’t penalized. If none exist, build them. 🧱 5. Deconstruct Before You Self-Doubt When you catch yourself thinking “maybe I’m not built for this,” pause. Ask: Whose rules am I trying to win by? Who benefits when I question myself? This post isn’t about defending women. We don’t need defending. It’s about calling out the internalised metrics we still use to measure ourselves. 👊 And choosing to rewrite them. What’s the most 'rational' reason you’ve heard for why women are a liability?

It’s simple math 🧐 I use to think that motivation was the key to monumental success. Long story short, it’s not. It’s about the little things you do every day that will take you from reasonable to slightly unreasonable to completely unreasonable progress. Your future is not defined by how motivated you are, but by your daily routines and systems. I believe in this so much that we named our company Butterfly 3ffect to reflect the value of incremental gains. we believe that that’s how the best people and brands grow. Here’s how you grow the small way: 1. Start by setting achievable goals, like reading one chapter of a book each day or going for a short walk 2. Practice gratitude by writing down three things you're thankful for every night before bed 3. Engage in daily self-reflection, even if it's just for a few minutes, to assess your thoughts and actions 4. Incorporate small acts of kindness into your daily routine, like holding the door for someone or offering a genuine compliment 5. Learn something new every day, whether it's a fun fact, a new word, or a new skill 6. Prioritise self-care by getting enough sleep, staying hydrated, and taking breaks when needed 7. Surround yourself with positive influences, whether it's uplifting books, supportive friends, or inspiring podcasts 8. Embrace failure as a learning opportunity and a stepping stone to growth 9. Stay consistent and patient, knowing that small progress over time adds up to significant improvement 10. Celebrate your achievements, no matter how small, to stay motivated and encouraged along the way.

Hard Work Doesn’t Cause Burnout.  This Does. People don’t burn out because they’re weak. They burn out because they’re at war—every single day. Not with the work. But with the culture. Most high performers can handle pressure. What drains them is the invisible combat of surviving a toxic environment: • Fighting for basic recognition. • Tiptoeing around ego-driven managers. • Navigating blurry expectations. • Absorbing blame just to keep the peace. • Working long hours—not for purpose, but for permission to belong. This isn’t hustle. This is emotional survival disguised as productivity. Burnout isn’t always from too much to do. It’s from not enough safety to be human. It’s the silence you bite back. The trust you can’t give. The energy you waste decoding office politics. And here’s the truth no one puts in the job ad: "Toxic cultures break people before the deadlines ever do." So what builds resilience? Not snacks in the break room. Not "We’re a family" posters. ✅ Clarity over chaos. ✅ Trust over fear. ✅ Leaders who listen—not just talk. When people feel safe, seen, and supported— They don’t just survive. They rise. They create. They lead. Let’s stop glamorizing burnout and start talking about the real cost of toxicity. What’s one silent culture killer you think companies need to call out—loudly? ♻️ Share this with your network if it resonates. ☝️ And follow Stuart Andrews for more insights like this.

Major new report on global trends in mental health, from Sapien Labs. Data from 2.5 million people across 85 countries. Some of the most important findings: 1) Young adults used to generally have good mental health, compared to older generations. But now, in ALL countries examined, they are doing badly compared to older generations in that country. 2) "Four key factors have emerged that together predict three quarters of this effect. These are diminished family bonds, diminished spirituality, smartphones at increasingly young age, and increasing consumption of ultra-processed food." 3) The decline of young people's mental health is "most pronounced in the wealthier and more developed countries." They note that it is in such countries that smartphones are given earliest, junk food is most heavily consumed, spirituality is most diminished, and family ties are looser and often weaker. 4) "A younger age of first smartphone ownership is associated with increased suicidal thoughts, aggression, and other problems in adulthood." 5) Here is their summary of findings on early smartphone ownership: "GenZ is the first generation to grow up with a smartphone. Among this group, the younger they acquired their first smartphone in childhood, the more likely they are to have struggles as adults. These struggles extend beyond sadness and anxiety to less discussed symptoms, such as a sense of being detached from reality, suicidal thoughts, and aggression towards others. The effects arise through disruption of sleep, increased risk of exposure to harmful online content, predators, and explicit material as well as increased probabilities of cyberbullying during crucial developmental years. Excessive time spent on smartphones also diminishes the development of social cognition that requires learned interpretation of facial expressions, body language, and group dynamics. The negative impacts are particularly sharp below age 13." The report is short, accessible, and important. Read it here: https://lnkd.in/gXev9WCK

Most relationships don’t die from conflict. They die from lack of context. We all know this truth: The quality of your life is deeply tied to the quality of your relationships. But here’s something we don’t talk about enough: The speed with which we build trust in those relationships can be a game-changing advantage. And the not-so-secret key to speeding up trust? Context. When I’ve taken the time to offer context—about what I’m feeling, why I’m acting a certain way, or where I’m coming from—relationships have almost always deepened. When I haven’t? They’ve often faded. Or worse, broken. And it usually happens slowly. Two people talk every day. But over time, the conversations flatten. Not because they care less, but because they stopped sharing context. And when that context fades, connection quietly disappears too. No matter what kind of relationship—friendship, work, family, romantic—when context is missing, connection starts to wither. And when context is shared, even simple moments turn meaningful. Let me show you what I mean. ⸻ Conversation A Alex: Hey, how’s it going? Jordan: All good. You? Alex: Can’t complain. They smile. Maybe chat a bit. But nothing meaningful gets exchanged. It’s polite. Safe. And very forgettable. If this becomes a repeated pattern, the relationship starts to erode. Not because of malice. But because of a lack of shared context. Now flip it. ⸻ Conversation B Alex: Hey, how’s it going? Jordan: Honestly? I’m okay, but a little off today. Alex: Oh? Say more! Jordan: I’ve been juggling too much. Work’s fine, but I feel like I’m constantly reacting instead of thinking deeply. It’s starting to wear on me. Alex: I know exactly what you mean—I felt that way for weeks. Want me to share what helped? … That tiny bit of vulnerability changed everything. The conversation didn’t just pass time. It built trust. It added context. And it strengthened connection. It gave the other person a texture of what you are thinking and feeling. ⸻ We often hold back from sharing what we’re really feeling because we assume it’s “too much” or “too boring.” We say to ourselves, why would that even be interesting to the other person. They are going through so much. But here’s the thing: You’re not oversharing. You’re not burdening them. You’re letting someone in. You’re giving them a map of your life. A deeper understanding. A chance to really know you. If someone cares about you—and wants to build something real with you—context isn’t noise. It’s essential nourishment. One conversation with context might be interesting. But 50 conversations with context? That’s how trust and familiarity is built to create a strong bond. That’s how teams click. That’s how friendships last. So remember this: Don’t deprive people of context. You’re not just talking about your day. You’re building something that will enrich both your lives. Set context. It matters. And it’s one of the most generous—and underrated—gifts we can give each other.

Found this 1980 ad about writing clearly. 65 years later, it's still the best writing advice I've ever seen: 1) Know exactly what you want to say before you start Most people start writing and figure it out as they go. That's why most writing sucks. Thompson says outline first, write second. Revolutionary concept, apparently. 2) Start where your readers are, not where you are Don't assume people know what you know. Meet them at their level of understanding, then bring them along. Most "experts" write for other experts and wonder why nobody gets it. 3) Use familiar word combinations Thompson's example: A scientist wrote "The biota exhibited a one hundred percent mortality response." Translation: "All the fish died." Stop trying to sound smart. Start trying to be clear. 4) Arrange your points logically Put the most important stuff first. Then the next most important. Then the least important. Seems obvious, but most people do it backwards. 5) Use "first-degree" words Thompson says some words bring immediate images to mind. Others need to be "translated" through first-degree words before you see them. "Precipitation" => "Rain" "Utilize" => "Use" "Facilitate" => "Help" 6) Cut the jargon Thompson warns against words and phrases "known only to people with specific knowledge or interests." If your mom wouldn't understand it, rewrite it. 7) Think like your reader, not like yourself Thompson asks: "Do they detract from clarity?" Most writers ask: "Do I sound professional?" Wrong question. TAKEAWAY: This ad is from 1960. The internet didn't exist. Social media wasn't even a concept. But the principles of clear communication haven't changed. Most people still can't write clearly because they're trying to impress instead of express.

Being told you’re “easy to work with” is the worst compliment you could receive. Here’s why: Nine times out of ten, that “compliment” isn’t about your skills or leadership potential. It’s about your ability to shrink so that everyone else can be comfortable. How smoothly you silence your preferences, your truth, your self. How quietly you take on extra work and stay in line (whatever that means). If you're not careful, you'll mistake it for a badge of honor when in reality it's a receipt & proof that you've been paying the likability tax. The likability tax is the unspoken toll women—especially Black women and women of color—pay to be seen as non-threatening, agreeable, and palatable in the workplace. It’s the cost of downplaying your voice and muting your truth in exchange for being “liked.” And it’s expensive. It’s when you smile and nod, even when you disagree. It’s when you say “I’m good either way” when you're actually not. It’s when you edit the deck, run the meeting, take the notes, follow up, and still don't ask for credit because somewhere deep down, you've learned that being liked is safer than being loud. And don’t get it twisted—this isn’t about being a team player. This is about self-erasure dressed up as professionalism. Because we know on some teams, when a woman has a strong opinion, a clear boundary, or ambitious ask she's labeled. Either she's too much, too difficult, too assertive, too entitled, too ______. So instead of speaking up, she's always agreeable, pleasant, and quiet - trading her voice for job security. And what does she get in return? Praise but no promotion. Thanks but no pay increase. Titled "low maintenance" and applauded for her invisible labor. This is how women, especially Black women and women of color—get underpaid, underestimated, and overlooked while being told how “nice” they are to work with. But let’s be clear: Nice doesn’t build equity. Agreeable doesn’t close pay gaps. Being “easy” to work with won’t get you in the rooms where decisions are made. It just ensures you won’t be seen as a threat. So no, you're not thriving sis. You're surviving. And you're tired of downplaying your contributions so that others feel comfortable. Tired of working twice as hard and getting half the credit. Tired of claiming it's “teamwork” when it’s really just a masterclass in self-sacrifice. When you're as good as you are, certain people benefit from you being quiet than they do from you speaking up. You don't need to be easier to work with. They need to be better at working with women like you. The next time someone says, “You’re so easy to work with,” ask yourself why. You just may be paying the likability tax. — Found this valuable? Make sure to ♻️ repost because friends don’t let friends miss out on helpful content! Want to work with us? Book your Fulfilled Career Clarity Call here - isimemen.com/start

It's easy to damage a career you spent your whole life building. It's about emotional intelligence and control. A career takes years to build but only minutes to destroy: →  A heated email. →  A reckless comment in a meeting. →  A moment of frustration posted online. One impulsive reaction can destroy decades of hard work, trust, and credibility. That’s why emotional intelligence and self-control are key in your career. Here’s how we can strengthen them: 1. Pause before reacting ↳ If you feel anger, frustration, or disappointment, take a deep breath before responding. A delayed response is often a wiser one. 2. Master composure  ↳ Not everything needs an immediate reaction. Train yourself to remain calm under pressure. 3. Reframe the situation  ↳ Instead of reacting emotionally, ask: What’s the best professional response? How will this affect me in the long term? 4. Develop self-awareness  ↳ Notice your emotional triggers. If certain people or situations provoke you, prepare in advance to handle them. 5. Look for perspective  ↳ Before sending that email or making that comment, ask yourself:  Would I be proud of this in 24 hours? If not, rethink it. Emotional intelligence isn’t about suppressing emotions. It’s about channeling them wisely. → Control your reactions. → Protect your reputation. → Lead with emotional intelligence. What other tips do you have? Share them below. ♻️ Share to help others improve ➕ Follow Anna Chernyshova for more tip Post inspired by Deena Priest. Thanks Deena, for the inspiration.