This is my third Victoria’s Secret swimsuit catalog photo shoot post in the last 24 hours. Third. Honestly, what more can I say about a gorgeous blonde model in a bikini? The proverbial well has run dry! By which I mean, “I ran out of vodka.” BRB.

In Candice Swanepoel in St. Barth’s:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Working for former “American Idol” judge Paula Abdul is about as much fun as waxing Simon Cowell’s taint. Just ask anybody who ever worked for her — they’ll tell you. She’s completely batshit insane. A former assistant told Us Magazine:

Each assistant must carry and use a tape recorder at all times “because she doesn’t trust her own conversations,” the source says.

“She also makes them check the TiVo for any mention of her and put it on a DVD.”

The “Forever Your Girl” singer also needed constant reminders that she is a “warrior, survivor and gift,” adds the insider.

Additionally, staff members are expected to explain things using hand puppets on “bad days,” as well as claim responsibility for of all of Paula’s farts when out in public.

Warrant’s Jani Lane makes his way to that big cherry pie in the sky. (Dlisted)

With a name like Franki Rose, you know she’s gonna be hot. Or else a drag queen. I guess it’s a roll of the dice. (Caveman Circus)

Explain to me how this is physically possible. I’ve watched it six times and I still don’t get it. (Bro Bible)

Hulk Hogan spent his 58th birthday looking at nude photos of his daughter. Funny, I thought only my dad liked to celebrate that way. (Celebitchy)

The sexy Emma Stone also rises. (City Rag)

Amy Winehouse’s fans have taken to robbing her apartment. Apparently theft and breaking and entering are really popular in London these days. (popbytes)

Stacy Keibler shows off in a bikini as George Clooney’s official new piece. (The Grumpiest)

This is what happens to girls who stay virgins into their 20′s. You end up dressing up cats. (omg blog)

Jennifer Hawkins is dressed like a slutty bumblebee. My favorite kind! (Moe Jackson)

You’ve seen Kristen Stewart’s W Magazine photo shoot; now read the inane interview. (Hollywood Rag)

The Lee Grace Dougherty gang’s topless bikini photos. (COED Magazine)

Katy Perry photographed engaging in a lesbian threesome? Oh, wait… one of those chicks is Russell Brand. ((Celeb Jihad)

Eva Mendes is arousingly flexible. (G Celeb)

Heather Locklear gets engaged to Jack Wagner. (Celebs)

How to say “abortion” and “fucktard” in sign language, in case you ever have to lay the verbal smack down on a deaf guy. (Jezebel)

Kate Moss looks 20 years younger on the cover of next month’s Vogue. (Amy Grindhouse)

Ben Flajnik is just not that into Jennifer Love Hewitt. You don’t say. (Bitten & Bound)

Something you thought you’d never see: Snooki wearing glasses and discussing the economy. (Evil Beet)

W Magazine painted up “Twilight’s” Kristen Stewart with enough brow powder and foundation for a whole army of Liz Taylors in their new September issue. I don’t think they used that much makeup turning Robert Downey, Jr into a black man in “Tropic Thunder.”

“Jersey Shore” star Pauly D got an onstage lap dance from Britney Spears during the Montreal performance of her Femme Fatale tour last night. The Daily Mail says:

The 29-year-old dragged up Jersey Shore star Pauly D onstage to give the shocked star a lap dance.

Pauly, 31, who was DJing before and after the show last night, was beckoned up onto the stage by the star as she sang the steamy Leather And Lace from her Circus album.

I don’t know what video they’re talking about, but in the video I saw, Britney Spears doesn’t give Pauly D a lap dance. Britney Spears’ dancers give Pauly D a lap dance. Half of whom were dudes in fishnets. It’s only slightly less embarrassing than the night hooked up with Deena.

Britney giving another dude a “lap dance” in Chicago earlier this month:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

“All Falls Down.” Yes, it certainly does. Kanye West was performing in Norway this week when he wiped the fuck out onstage. Legend has it if you watch the video closely enough, you can actually see him tripping over his own ego at the 0:09 mark.

Supermodels in bikinis and nekkid beh-behs on the beach. “Chicken Soup for the Soul” can suck it.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Executive producer Nigel Lythgoe confirmed on Ryan Seacrest’s radio show yesterday that Jennifer Lopez would be returning for another season of “American Idol.” EDITOR’S NOTE: I assume the same people who listen to Ryan Seacrest’s radio show are also the same people watching “Keeping up with the Kardashians.” They are a blight on our society and must be eliminated. Or at least neutered. Just like Ryan Seacrest. Anyway, the Daily Mail says:

During a phone call to the show, Lythgoe settled the speculation, confirming: ‘I am delighted to say that all three judges [are] back for the next season.’

It has been reported that the singer has signed on for a bumper pay packet at over $20 million – up from the $12 million she’d previously earned.

Twenty million dollars for “American Idol?” Are you kidding me? Who watches that shit anymore? I couldn’t tell you who won any of the last six seasons, and it’s my fucking job to know. I don’t which that says more about, the crappiness of the show or my own mad job skillz, but one thing’s clear: you can totally see Olivia Wilde’s sideboob in that dress. The end.

Side-boobin’ on the red carpet at the “Cowboys & Aliens” UK premiere:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

The gorgeous Candice Swanepoel in all her Victoria’ Secret swimsuit catalog goodness. (Bro Bible)

Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony pictured driving around together this week! (Lainey Gossip)

And speaking of Jennifer Lopez, guess who doesn’t like Eva Longoria. (Celebitchy)

Lindsay Lohan unleashes the nipples for the waiting paparazzi. (Moe Jackson)

The Body-Painted Woman in Times Square is completely topless, but somehow it’s still disappointing. (Hollywood Rag)

All of your most personal relationship questions can be answered with “The John Stamos Guide to Cuddling.” (INF Daily)

There’s always next year, Ann Coulter. (Pop Crunch)

Because he clearly has all the answers, Kevin Smith’s advice on following your dreams. (Caveman Circus)

Taylor Swift, a pioneer dress, mimes and pirouetting male dancers and an explosion of glittering sparks! It’s not an acid flashback, I swear. (Huffington Post)

File this one under WTF: Rihanna is sexting Joe Jonas. (The Blemish)

From the right angle, Alessandra Ambrosio looks like a very tan Gollum in a wig. (Celeb Slam)

Hilary Duff has been working out, and it shows. Mostly because she’s posing in her workout clothes. (Hollywood Tuna)

Miranda Kerr and lingerie go together like firecrackers and oily rags. (Popoholic)

Hope Solo will get naked for ESPN Magazine! (Guyism)

Gerard Butler with early 90′s Justin Timberlake hair and a set of washboard abs. Can somebody please explain? (Bitten & Bound)

Rebecca Black took so much ribbing at school after “Friday” came out that her mother decided to homeschool her this year. TMZ says:

Black told ABC News [that] students were constantly targeting her, explaining, “When I walk by they’ll start singing ‘Friday’ in a really nasally voice… Or, you know, they’ll be like, ‘Oh hey, Rebecca, guess what day it is?’”

Black’s mom told ABC the move will also help the 14-year-old focus on her career.

And to prove all those JELIZ H8RS wrong, Rebecca Black had a surprise performance on last night’s “America’s Got Talent” (video above) Which is almost as shocking as me wearing a veil to court so I could be my own surprise witness. Dun dun dun!

Arriving at BOA yesterday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Annalynne McCord put on her finest green bikini to fight co-star Megalyn Echikunwoke gladiator-style in an upcoming episode of “90210.” The Daily Mail says:

[Annalyne's character] Naomi attends California University but [has become] rivals with [Megalyn's character] Holly, who in turn becomes friendly with Annie Wilson, another main character played by Shenae Grimes.

Sorry, but I couldn’t decipher a word of that sentence. It might as well have been written in Chinese. I mean, I know my eyes are seeing the words and transmitting the words to my brain for processing, but it’s like my brain won’t string them together and translate them into a coherent thought because it’s so fucking pointless and stupid. Or else I’m having a stroke. It’s probably too soon to tell just yet.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Somebody at Elle decided to recycle Jessica Simpson’s Fancy perfume ads and pawn it off on Kate Hudson. I suppose it could have been worse, though. They could have made Kate actually wear the perfume.