If we’re reading this correctly, the 2010 midterm elections just signed a book deal! Congrats, midterms! You deserve it. READ MORE »
Bristol Palin went on official Palin family blog “The Facebook” today to attack Keith Olbermann and rouse the pity of the conservative faithful, just as her mother would. Touching. Instead of using the standard teenager speak she and her sister usually employ on Facebook, however, she translated her message to Olbermann with some interesting selections from a thesaurus. “Accusing me of hypocrisy is by now, an old canard. What Mr. Olbermann lacks in originality he makes up for with insincere incredulity.” We have no idea what this means, but everyone run to Bristol’s aid, because this tiny dancer has been SLIGHTED by a BIG TEEVEE MAN. READ MORE »
The 52 members of Congress who sensed the strong, scooter-hitched pull of the Teabaggers enough to feel like they had to join Michele Bachmann’s dumb Teabagger Caucus have actually requested $1,049,783,150 in earmarks during the current Congress, according to Chuck Todd’s abandoned children. Yes, this is amusing because Teabaggers are supposed to hate earmarks and government spending. It turns out Bachmann herself has not attempted to earmark any funds at all in the past couple years, according to these figures, despite her penchant for inconsistency; she is probably in the process of cutting up the 36 members of her caucus who did and placing the them under the floorboard of her office. READ MORE »
Back in the day, the brave people who ate hot dogs in D.C. were only the tourists who purchased them from stands near the Mall, after a tiring day of erratically circling monuments and bumping into people. But these days are FINALLY over. While the rest of America is permanently starving/unemployed and chugs along on motorized scooters, no Washingtonian will ever have to eat these thin tubes of nitrates in such unfortunate conditions ever again: enter the gourmet hot dog restaurant. READ MORE »
NASA finally made their big announcement about alien life this afternoon: They were looking around some mud somewhere and found a microorganism that is made of arsenic instead of the usual stuff of which every other living thing on Earth is made. This means life can perhaps exist in many other ways we can’t conceive, so there are probably a bunch of invisible arsenic dinosaur-like things walking on the Moon, and we didn’t even know it. It may turn out there are intelligent beings with structures of PURE GOLD on other planets, when we were stupidly looking for worthless carbon-based humanoids all along. THERE IS A NEW FRONTIER: WE MUST VENTURE OUT AND KILL AND MAKE NECKLACES OUT OF THESE KIND GOLD-BEINGS. READ MORE »
- Some sneaky Jew-Jew-Yamaka snuck a Star of David onto the roof of the Iran Air headquarters and Allah is PISSED. [Winston's Cat]
- Angelina Jolie is a BITCH because she hates America (but mostly because she is a woman). [Debbie Schlussel]
- Breitbart’s Greg Gutfield went to East Germany to learn about one of the most socially repressive regimes in history, and all he got was a bunch of lousy jokes about Joan Rivers. [BigHollywood]
- Wikileaks is a giant gay bathhouse, proving that repealing Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell will turn all the military into a trillion dollar production of La Cage Aux Folles. [American Spectator]
- If lack of intercourse causes Jihad, then the computer science departments at America’s universities would have been blown up a thousand times over years ago. [Bare Naked Islam]
John Boehner is very upset that the Democratic Party is trying to use their majorities in Congress and their presidency to pass a bill that is actually consistent with what they told the voters was their philosophy when they elected them. “I’m trying to catch my breath so I don’t refer to this maneuver that’s going on today as chicken crap, all right? But this is nonsense!” Boehner, a character in a G-rated animated children’s movie, yelped today. Republicans are very upset that Democrats are not allowing them to compromise, as they thought they would. “Compromise,” as we all know, is an English word that means “give the Republicans exactly what they want.” READ MORE »
Julian Assange is very important, you guys, because he runs a website that compiles government documents some people find interesting, but if you handed them to pro skateboarder Tony Hawk, he would probably say, “Boring. I don’t want read this.” In his latest WikiLeaking, he revealed documents that show that U.S. diplomats are only capable of seeing the world as a system of “Batman and Robin” binaries, which is pretty embarrassing. (Canada is a Robin to the U.S.’s Batman. Dmitry Medvedev is the same to Vladimir Putin.) The media is waiting for the U.S. military to kill this Assange’s website, while Assange is living in the streets of London, expertly disguised as a lowly Cockney shoe-shine boy, masturbating to the thought of getting assassinated. READ MORE »
Thank the Neutered Dwarf-Gods of Journalism for the Columbia Journalism Review, which has bravely come to the defense of “responsible science reporters,” who have all become scientifically butthurt because NASA put out another bullshit press release promising “an astrobiology finding that will impact the search for evidence of extraterrestrial life.” But what if the NASA announcement isn’t really about an impending invasion of Horrific Galactic Hell-Beasts who will destroy our world after slowly eating/digesting its 6+ billion miserable human occupants? What if a blog was irresponsible about this? READ MORE »
Surely you’ve been wondering lately, “HMMM, what makes better Hanukkah reading: Sarah Palin’s new book, or that infinite library of Wikileak’d State Department telegrams?” If you enjoy endless Reports of the Obvious (“TOP SECRET: Arabs don’t like Iran!”) and the occasional bitchy gossip item (“Vladimir Putin: DRAG QUEEN BY NIGHT, or so I’ve heard”), go with the Wikileaks document dump. If you prefer something more Exceptionally American Exceptionalist, go with eight copies of America by Heart: Reflections on Family, Faith, and Flag by our tawdry nation’s premier media figure. What lurks therein, to degrade civilization and the human soul? READ MORE »
- The House is expected to vote today on extending tax cuts for the greediest 98 percent of Americans, “the middle-class” — the war merchants, sweatshop owners and oil barons who have gang-raped all six continents while simultaneously ruining any hope of a peaceful, simple existence for America’s persecuted minority, the struggling single mom billionaires. But don’t worry, you don’t need to sign the Amnesty International petition to “stop the exploitation of trillionaires” — not yet at least! Because that Orange Thing knows this vote is nothing more than “a Washington stalling tactic with job-killing implications,” which is totally unacceptable. Are there any jobs left to “kill” at this point? No, they are all already dead, since “the economy has such limited job openings that even if every open position in the country were filled, four out of five unemployed workers still wouldn’t be able to find a job.” READ MORE »
Because Republicans won a majority in the House in the 2010 elections, climate change no longer exists. Hooray! Jim Sensenbrenner announced that Republicans will be getting rid of the Select Committee on Energy Independence and Global Warming when they take over, so it held its last hearing today so everyone could sign each other’s climate-change committee yearbooks or whatever. So why does this very important issue no longer need special congressional attention? It turns out global warming never existed! Whoops! Why didn’t those silly Democrats listen to the Republicans? Here they are holding hearings about the future of the Earth itself, and the whole time our goofy planet wasn’t warming up at all! What a hilarious blooper! READ MORE »
There are press releases and then there are press releases: “FRANKFORT, Ky.— Governor Steve Beshear today joined the Ark Encounter LLC to announce the planned construction of a full-scale Noah’s Ark tourist attraction in northern Kentucky.” Of course! Get all the state’s most important officials over there. This is going to be big. IT’S GOING TO NEED SOME ANIMALS SO STOP SHOOTING AND DEEP-FRYING THEM ALL, KENTUCKY. This new theme park will also include “a replica of the Tower of Babel with exhibits, a 500-seat 5-D special effects theater, an aviary, and a first-century Middle Eastern village.” This is obviously the most important thing Kentucky has done since inventing the horse. READ MORE »
