Second-guess!

"I'll do my best today, without trying to second-guess every word or action."

Like most people these days, I choose to receive a myriad of daily e-mails to help encourage my walk in this life. Some are to help me grow spiritually in my walk with Jesus, others come from recovery based programs, and still others are general topics of encouragement that keep me focused upward in life.  It's so easy to look down, it seems if we don't train ourselves to focus on what is good, right, true and honorable. 

So today, in my email from Hazelden.org the "Today's Gift" came from "Walk in Dry Places" by Mel B.  and the closing line shown above was a perfect gentle nudge to remind me that I don't have to try to figure out or second-guess myself or what others are trying to say. Or what I THINK they're trying to say. I don't like it when others assume they know what I'm thinking or know what I meant, when their assumption is as far from my point as it can be.  I used to drive myself crazy second-guessing if everything I said was co-dependant, controlling or just plain wrong. I was in misery! 

Meeting with Cliff this past weekend for a minute or two was enlightening.  He mentioned how he's finally stepping out of the junkie thinking and applying some of life's most basic concepts.  Hard work generally gets noticed and pays off. Cliff found a job on Craig's List sometime back and that job has continued to lead him to his next paycheck two times now.  This next opportunity may land him into some permanent employment.  It's satisfying to hear his words and know that his life has changed and I no longer second-guess what he's doing, where he's going or how he's spending his money. 

I've learned the hard way to step back and just listen to others. I don't have to tell them I don't agree. By keeping my thoughts to myself doesn't necessarily mean I agree or condone them it just means I'm not in charge of anyone else's life but my own.  I try to choose to back out of conversations that used to lure me in, if it doesn't pertain to me. The best part though, is being free from second-guessing or trying to figure out things that don't belong in my brain space. I don't have room for anyone but my own life issues and don't have the knowledge or ability that the Creator has to re-align someones life choices. 

It's so freeing to be free from all the things that used to entangle me!

All pics googled. 

In loving Memory

HBC and Cliff 2010

On January 10th, he hit his 27th birthday. 

He was a son. 

He was a brother. 

He was a grandson.

He was a nephew.

He was a fiance'.

He was a father. 

He was a friend.
He was an addict. 

On January 14th he was dead.  One of Cliff's closest friends over the past five years was slip-sliding away on the slopes of addiction.  When Cliff met H.B.C. they were both working out, trying to develop some healthy life choices and avoid the demons that were waiting to pounce on them.  Cliff was six months out of prison and 1-1/2 years clean from drugs; the longest stretch in 15 years. 

H.B.C. had a personality as big as life and loved to have fun and made it his job to be sure that everyone else was having fun too. But H.B.C. loved money, fast easy money and found a way to enjoy the trappings of dealing K2, which at the time was considered a safe, natural and legal alternative to marijuana. Cliff and I had many an argument about this synthetic pot and all the ill effects of using it, which seems to have a reverse side effect of pot.  Many users have had symptoms of drug induced psychosis episodes, violence and death.  Cliff did not indulge but thought it was okay for others. 

K2 also provided H.B.C. the money to live like a king and eventually when money wasn't available by those desiring to purchase, pills became the bartering exchange to which H.B.C. became a powerless man.  You name it, he took it.   H.B.C. lived a life of risk-taking, a telling symptom of an addict.   Eventually over time, Cliff  began to see what this mess was doing to his friend and more importantly, began to see that he had to distance himself from the group.  

Cliff called me frantically on Tuesday morning to see if I could find anything on the Internet stating H.B.C. was dead.  It was too soon for any announcement and when it was finally posted, it was briefly stated that this would be a private shiva.  I can only imagine the phone call H.B.C's mother received as I had expected a call far too often during Cliff's drug years.  I always felt that had I got the call, Cliff's funeral would have been private too.  

I had dinner with my son last night. He didn't have much of an appetite and every now and again the tears would rise to the surface and bring Cliff to a silent weeping.  He was going through the process of all those in grief of what he could have/should have done.  He was especially sorry because they were having a texting war of disagreement as Cliff was trying hard to love with detachment, but may have just given words of detachment with no love which happens often in frustration and chaos.  Cliff said H's death drove home even more the reason to stay clean. His friend's life was snuffed out way too soon and probably unintentionally and how he tried so hard to get through to H, but H just didn't seem to hear him. He also said he had just a glimpse of how I must have felt when I tried to talk to him too about changing his life. I encouraged Cliff that he can use this in his life to urge others to walk the recovery walk.  I was never more thankful for where each of us are today.

When we parted I hugged my son a good long time and told him I loved him and was so sad for H's mother but so thankful that it wasn't him. Those were hard words as I felt a little selfish having my son in the flesh standing in front of me while another mother cries out that she will never be able to hug her firstborn again. 

Reality bites hurt and you can't avoid them no matter what lifestyle you live. Not one more soul needs to be lost this way.  If you love an active alcoholic or addict, make sure they know you love them and are always urging them to win.  Meet them for a meal, buy them some warm socks or shoes if they need them.  Let them take a shower.  Show some love especially if they don't deserve it. They are still one of God's most precious creations. 

May God bring comfort to those still standing and strength to the sick and suffering. 

Laura 

A Promise is A Promise

Tis' the season following Christmas when many folks are struggling with one heartbreak after another. I'm not typically affected by an event or calendar date once a trauma has passed me by. I know many folks who almost seem to plan that once something has affected a holiday, that forevermore that same holiday is tainted. I think perhaps a person is pre-planning their mindset and scheduling the affect as a bondage or being held hostage by the thing they cannot change.   

I must admit however that this year, right now,  I've been struggling with the loss of my mom 10 years ago this June and during a mid-day snooze the other day I had a disturbing dream. My healthy mother was in it.  She visits me now and again in dreams and mostly never says anything or comes near, but often is just smiling at me.  This time though I was feeling so saddened by her absence that when she suddenly appeared I was sobbing and telling her how much I've missed her. My mother was hugging me so tightly that I'm sure I sensed her spirit with me.  It brought me peace yet I awoke with tears still brimming in my eyes and running down my cheeks. Ah, mom some days I want you here so badly, but believing what I do, you're not really longing to be here. Why would she long to leave a perfect place with the loving presence of her Savior to come back to a world wrought with pain, suffering and sorrow?  I don't think she is. 

Today would have been my parents 63rd anniversary had it not been for the dreaded PSP or at least that's what  I'd like to believe. Very possibly something else could have occurred but we hang our hats on the disease that took our lovely mother prematurely away.Can you imagine being married sixty-three years to the same person?  It's a remarkable journey and I applaud any couple that lands on each marking point still standing together by choice.  I remember so many little tidbits of Mom and Dad's marriage and in the last 3 years of their life together I was privileged to be there daily. While I've mentioned it before in my writing, one of my fondest memories is my dad feeding the first line of a song that he and my mother knew from their era of music, and my mom would dutifully sing the next line. A pattern that was put in place long before mom was ill carried into a time when they longed for some routine and normalcy.  I loved hearing mom sing when I was younger and now waited with bated breath to hear her utter her part loud and clear.  This went on day after day and it was one of the little ways that dad kept mom engaged in life when she might rather have been left alone quietly. It was a complete effort for mom to put together any sentence let alone sing a line of a song, but she would muster up all the energy she could and take her part, delighting us each time.  It was my parents love language and I was a voyeur in their inner sanctum. 

As mom's disease progressed she needed help with absolutely everything and so at bedtime we developed a routine together.  Dad was tired by the end of the day and I would walk mom back to the bedroom and help her do all the things necessary to tuck her in at night.  On one occasion we began our two-step when suddenly 85 pounds of nothingness stopped dead in her tracks ~ Mom may as well have been 1000 lbs.  I said "Mom, whats up?"  She had paused next to my father's chair and he answered, "Earlier today your mother threatened to kiss me goodnight".  Mom giggled and bent over as best she could to kiss my dad and when she stood up again he said "I want you to know that you are the finest person I have ever known in my life and you have done more for me then I could have ever done for you."   I was frozen in place as I heard this exchange of love so unexpected, even by my mother.  Not to be anything other than a human male, the next phrase was "now, why are you crying?" :)

I tucked my mom in bed that night, put her eye drops in and kissed her on the cheek. An action with my mom that I never imagined I would be doing but cherished as each day went by. Sometimes I went right back to what I was doing before I walked her to bed, and other nights I went to my room and sobbed. 

Fifty-three years didn't come easy, I'm sure.  But as my dad said at a memorial luncheon for mom, "Everyone keeps saying to me what an honorable man I've been, but in my day when you said I do, that meant for better or worse. A promise is a promise." Thank you mom and dad, for the memory and the legacy. 

2012, We Bid Adieu!

As the end of another year draws to a close what are your thoughts?  Are you thinking "good riddance" or "wow, what a great year this was and I can't wait to see what 2013 will bring!" ?  For a long time option  number one was my choice and turning the page of another calendar year meant nothing to me. Nothing was going to change, I thought.  I was sooooo wrong!

Change your thoughts, change your life is a great and popular motto to live by today.  With recovery I would add, "change your thoughts, change your actions, change your life."  I have to add that middle step because you and I both know how we can live out our thoughts in our mind but still do nothing about it. Faith and recovery has allowed me to garner up the courage and strength to take my productive thoughts, put them into steps and receive a positive result of a changed life. That is followed by a changed heart.  Lighter, freer and more joyful.

So, what about you?  I quit doing resolutions long ago because as you know most resolutions aren't kept.  However, I am choosing to make some life changes even today going into the new year.  I attend church just about every week and am in touch with my faith family regularly.  Those you surround yourself with have the greatest impact on your life.  Yesterday the pastor was talking about a couple of things, but one of the things he referred to was how important it is to have remembrances of the changes and blessings that have come into your life through each year. You know there were events or situations that have come along and you felt overwhelmed or lost and wondered how you were going to get through it.   Time ticks by and soon it's weeks or months down the road and you find that you've survived or overcome that thing that tried to trip you up.  But oh, how easy it is to have these memories walk away quietly. Oh, you might never forget the major blessings and good fortunes that came your way, but what about the smaller players?  I was with my little family yesterday, all of us together, in the most healthy get together in years.  My heart was at peace and full of joy when "I lay my head down now to sleep."  I can now recall that my life hasn't always been full of sad addiction stories or sagas of enabling mishaps that ruled or dictated my life. No,  in fact I must call to mind all the ways that the Lord has walked me through the most tumultuous days of my life and has even blessed me through it. I want to remember how he placed people I had never met, into my path for the purpose of finding my way back to a healthy life no longer held hostage by addiction and step into the promises He has beckoned me too. 

So going into the new year, my cousin Leslie Hamp, posted a great suggestion that backs up yesterday's message about filling your new year with joy.   Here's the link to a great suggestion and I'm off to find myself a LARGE empty jar! I know at the end of  2013 I'm going to love to review all my love and joy notes!

Happy New Year! Expect something big!   

The Christmas Ghosts

Ebenezer Scrooge wasn't the only one that had no peace and was visited by ghosts through his hours of restless slumber. Those ghosts can be so active as they try to infiltrate the most lovely of days even when we're awake!   I often find myself alone through these days except for a few brief moments of breaking bread here and there with others, but the hours go slowly when you are by yourself through what appears to be the most wonderful time of the year.  


Yesterday evening I went to a Christmas Eve service where I attend church and as usually happens it brings peace to my soul and new vision to my sight of what Christmas is truly all about. And that's a good, good thing since the chaos of a life partnered with addicts can and will try to blur the truth if you're naively unaware. 

The Ghost of Christmas Past tries to enter into the present on a regular basis.  Flashing pictures before me of somber, sad days when the addict I loved was M.I.A. or incarcerated for yet another year, the ghost tries to rob me of today's love, peace and joy that's rooted down deep in my soul. He throws dirt on my soul in an effort to cover up the truth and tries desperately to turn my feelings into a tumultuous throwback of days gone by.  Ha!  That ghost doesn't know he's coming up against an arsenal of Biblical truths and 12 Step practices that have woven themselves in and through my mind, heart and soul and will come up against any lies or deceit of the past trying to make this day miserable.  Instead, with every fiery dart the ghost tries to shoot my way the Truth comes up to intercept and redirect that dart away from me and quickly floods my thoughts with accurate words that quell my fears and sadness. The Spirit of Truth says to me through His Word: "For You have rescued me from death; You have kept my feet from slipping. So now I can walk in your presence, O God, in your life-giving light"  (Psalm 56:13)

Life-giving Light!! Take that, Marley!  

The Ghost of Christmas Present is really waging war with the Spirit of The Lord who is keeping my eyes and thoughts where they belong.  He reminds me in Philippians with these words:  "So let's keep focused on that goal, those of us who want everything God has for us. If any of you have something else in mind, something less than total commitment, God will clear your blurred vision - you'll see it yet! Now that we're on the right track, let's stay on it." (Phil 3:15-16)

Oh, I could go on and on about the Scriptures in Philippians as they are a firm foundation to my faith walk and keeping me healthy along with the truths of Al-anon encouraging me to stay focused on NOW.  Not going back to rehash what's already passed and not going forward and fixating on an event or scenario that hasn't happened yet, but to just be here. Right here, right now. Don't you see how they fit hand in hand? It has turned MY thinking inside out and let my Creator whisper truth, guidance and direction in the way that He says I should go or when He says I should be still.  Those are hard lessons learned at times, but the most valuable lessons I've ever experienced.   

The Ghost of Christmas Future is no ghost to me. Not anymore. I've learned to not run ahead of myself and create angst where there doesn't need to be any. I am not going to try to outsmart my addict, or any other person in my life so I can prepare as to how I will react, do or not do the thing that hasn't even happened yet. God's word is rich with promises of leading me into the future in His loving care. Wow...what a lot of time spent unnecessarily in days gone by.  I'm so thankful to be out of the faux rat-race I was in!  Ugh! 

My Creator says: 

"Forget about what's happened; don't keep going over old history. Be alert, be present. I'm about to do something brand new."   (Isaiah 43:18 (MSG) 

Step Three says, and I go to this step often in my meditation, "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to God as we understood Him".  That step is part of the 12 Steps of AA which began in August 1938 and became equally important to Al-Anon in it's beginnings in 1951. 

Make today count in the best way you can focusing on this one important truth. You are loved today whether in a crowd of people or sitting alone in a dark place.  Let the Light of Life shine in your heart and chase those ghosts away whether it be past, present or future. Your Creator desires to do something magnificent in your life!! Step back and let Him in!

Merry Christmas, my friends!