A visitor....

We just got back from being away for a couple days to watch Molly compete in her big track event. Awesome, fun, time watching our girl, who came in 7th in our state in the heptathlon. Very happy for her.

The coach had made reservations for everyone in the most luxurious hotel in a big city....it was uncomfortable it was so luxurious. I came home feeling crummy because I was so out of my element there. As we walked past the bar I couldn't relate to the beautifully put together people hanging out in there, sitting in the plush chairs, chatting it up with the smooth jazz playing in the background and the ice clinking around in their pretty glasses....if my life had depended on it! I came home feeling like I was less than, just a simple woman, who wears flip flops and homeschools her kids and takes care of old people.

Once home I got a call from a friend. She had gotten a bad haircut and wanted to know if I could fix it. Long long ago I was a hairdresser. She came over and took one look at me and started crying. She was having a sad day....so I hugged her, we talked and talked, we took the dogs and little one and her friend to the river to hike around and play in the water and we talked and cried some more.

When we finally left each other we both felt better. I was back in my world. Back with my people in my nature zone. We both had been heard and loved and hugged. God gave us each what we needed today. Thats simply a beautiful thing.

There is no place like home.....
Annette

Google reader question....

I have all of the blogs I read daily listed on my Google Reader page. So that is going away July 1, will everything automatically transfer over to my google home page? Or do I have to manually figure out how to do that and then do it?

Always so puzzled about this computer stuff.
Annette

The different ways we raise children

Last night at work I was helping my client change his clothes which entails pulling this big thick leather belt with his big cowboy buckle attached to the front, out of his pants and threading it through his clean jeans... I am an in-home caregiver working with a very disabled man, least anyone think I am dressing and undressing men as my "clients" for any other monetary reasons.

As I held that belt I had this picture of when I was little. I haven't thought about any of this in years, many many years. But holding that belt I could feel my dad's belt. Big thick leather, big buckle on the front. Heavy. It was touching that belt, holding it, the actual feeling of that leather that triggered a memory. Not a deeply buried subconscious memory....just a regular old hanging around in the back of my head memory.

How many of us got "spanked" with belts? I sure did. With little regard for aim he would start swinging. As I stood there holding that man's belt in my hand, it occurred to me how unfathomable it was to hit a child with it. Who could ever be ok with doing that?

I know that times are very different now. Back in the days of my little girl years, that was more acceptable. It was frowned upon if you didn't spank your kids and keep them in line. We have learned new ways to do things now....some are more effective, some aren't. But thank the Lord that the focus is more on teaching and guiding then beating the hell fire from them.

I remembered feeling like I was so bad because I was always getting spanked. They were always mad. In that moment of holding that belt and thinking about hitting kids with it and how utterly sickening that thought was, it made me aware that the problem hadn't been me. I was no worse than any other little girl. Probably a heck of a lot better as I was always walking on egg shells trying to be good enough to not ruffle any feathers and not get anyone "going."

That moment came out of nowhere and it was another chipping away of old stuff. Stuff I can let go of. It was God saying, "That was never what I wanted for you." I feel like the layers of the old yuk are getting thinner and thinner and falling away more easily.

I realized I haven't spoken of my dad here in my blog. Ever I don't think. He is gone now, but maybe I will write more. He was something....."a son of a gun" my mom used to call him. Among other things. lol

For the record....I wasn't a hitter, but I was a yeller. Yelling is hitting without touching anyone. One of my deep regrets is that my kids probably have the memory of me always being angry years ago. I have changed now and they are grateful, I have made amends numerous times, and they are gracious, forgiving. They say they remember our home as being such a safe and solid place to be, they say they remember me yelling, but it was no different than any other mother. Maybe it just felt different to me, to my insides. But in my mind the damage was done. They can forgive and work their way through it, I know. But I wish I had done it differently. I wish I knew then what I know now. I came to mothering so ill-equipped. I read tons of books on birthing, nursing, and parenting. I wanted to "do it right." My desire for perfection was part of my problem....I could never get it right *enough* and I spent those years being so frustrated at my self for not being able to pull it off the way I thought it should be done. And at them for not doing it my way and making my plans work out for me. lol

Gosh....how did I get there?!

Anyway....weird morning. Thinking out loud about a lot of stuff.
Have mercy on us all...
Annette

Accepting what is....

A fellow blogger, Laura over at Enabling Love, wrote this post about Mother's day and I wanted to share it here. I felt it was so powerful. Such good reminders for those of us who do not have the picture perfect day of our dreams type of Mother's day.

I went to my meditation meeting last night and it was so nice. We sit quietly with the lights dimmed and meditate for 20 minutes!!!! In the beginning I was aghast....20 minutes of just sitting?! What if I fall asleep?! I have learned though to quiet my mind. Sometimes I pray but a lot of the times I feel like my HP (God) is telling me to just sit there. Just be, rest. Savor the peace of that safe room for those 20 minutes and be filled up. I have grown to love that meeting.

After the meditation there is a time of sharing and most of the women there are mom's so they shared about their Mother's day events....or lack of events. The drunk phone call, the no phone call, the people pleasing to keep the peace that one knowingly went into to try to have a good day....I had a beautiful day, but not without effort on my part.

The day started off with some bumps in the road. I realized I had a choice....I could be miffed and pissy or I could accept that we all are who we are. My girl is sick and trying to find her way to being healthy. To demand for her to not act sick, would be in my mind the equivalent of asking someone bald from chemo to wear a wig, "because your baldness makes me uncomfortable." Cover up your imperfections and your sickness....I don't want to see that. So I took her as she was. As she came to me that day. Really, how many years have I spent without her on special days? She was here. She was making the effort. I could reach out and accept those efforts. I could choose to accept her as she is. So I did.

I may not always be in this place. I may not always have the grace to do this. God knows, we have run the gamut from kicking her out, no contact, to doing everything in our power and trying desperately to help her. It is a day by day journey. I think we have found our middle ground for today. God is good and He is in charge of the future. Not me.
Much love to all....
Annette

The beautiful Fallen Leaf Lake that my kids took me to for Mother's day.

Mother's Day....

I am thinking about my mom today. We haven't taken down her Facebook page...my brother wanted to, but I asked him not to... not yet at least. I like having it up. So yesterday when I got onto FB there was her face at the top of my page and FB was telling me to send her a gift. Such an odd feeling....but it was nice to see her smiling face there. I had a dream recently that she had been living in a rest home and I had forgotten about her there. I kept asking her what she was doing there. Why wasn't she home with us? I was so happy to see her. It was like I had found her after thinking she had been dead, but really someone had put her in this rest home. I was so relieved that she was alive and I was bringing her back home to her little house to live out her days. I wonder what all that means? If anything.

Anyways.....

I am reading the most  extraordinary book right now. Well, actually I am listening to it, but that is neither here nor there...I sit in the car to listen longer, I laid in bed last night in my most comfy ratty pajamas, with my phone next to me and my ear-buds in...very attractive. Its the the equivalent of "not being able to put it down."

It is called The Center Cannot Hold by Elyn Saks. It is Elyn Saks story of the onset, eventual diagnosis, and then living with schizophrenia. She went on to be very successful in school and business, becoming a professor and a lawyer who is an advocate for the mentally ill. What a journey, what strength of character to push her way through the voices and the messages that her mind was telling her. It is an amazing story of courage and bravery and fortitude.

The whole book is fascinating but her explanations of the isolation that she feels and her efforts to break into the world really resonate with me for not only my girl, but many of our  kids here who you have told me struggle with the same issues. It has given me a glimpse of what it must feel like to be so alone, for whatever reasons, even when surrounded by people who care deeply about you....and more than that, to feel that you don't *deserve* for it to be any other way. Grave, dark stuff...but not depressing. You can also hear her speak here at this TED talk.

 I came home to a dozen roses last night, today little one and I are watching Molly do her events in her finals portion of her meet to qualify to go to the state meet in her individual events. Then we are going rollerskating. Tomorrow we are meeting big brother and his beauty in the mountains for a hike up to the top of Jack's Peak. A relatively easy 3 mile round trip hike. I am thinking we are going to hit snow in the mountains though....so we will see how far we make it. Its supposed to be 77 degrees tomorrow up in our hill country.

All the makings for a good weekend are here. I hope all of my mama friends have a beautiful and blessed day tomorrow. Love yourselves a little extra tomorrow.

Bless us all.....
Annette

Someone is bugging me

and I don't really know what to do. I think I should probably just suck it up and smile and let her be. I go to the one meeting that is close to my house since I live in the middle of nowhere. There is a woman who goes there who affects me like nails being pulled down a chalkboard. I feel bad but really I want to jump across the table and tell her to shut the 'F' up! There are all kinds of  little complaints that I have about her which I won't list here, of course. Last night someone caught me rolling my eyes though! Not OK. I do feel so strongly about our meetings being a safe place to be and watching someone (me) roll their eyes at someone elses stuff, ruins that safety! In my defense she wasn't talking about her personal life. She had some information to bring to the rest of the meeting but per her usual, she had about a quarter of the information needed and then just says she doesn't know. So we are left with the date we need to be somewhere but don't know what our responsibilities are or the time or the address. And I....rolled my eyes!

These things happen I suppose. We can't like everyone. This is to the point where I don't want to keep going to that meeting though. Its a small meeting and if one person leaves it will be quite obvious. I have missed several weeks in a row just because I wanted to stay home and they started calling me. Which is so nice...I was missed! If they knew how I was feeling though they would probably say, "Yeah, go ahead and stay home!"

So what I have done so far is reached out to my sponsor. I haven't heard back from her yet. I have acknowledged that some of what I see in this woman that bothers me so much is probably mirroring my own behaviors that bother me so much about myself. I am horrified at that idea....but I am sure there is some truth in there. I am thinking that I need to begin to pray for this woman who is not evil personified. She is just a true Alanon....telling everyone what to do, how to do it, correcting ME often which I think is at the heart of the matter if the truth be told. Or if I have an idea she will brush it off and say, "No no no."

I feel like I don't want to be pushed out of my meeting by a personality conflict. So my choices are to let it go and let her be in charge and do things her way. To state my thoughts on issues as they come up as part of the group conscience and if they are shushed away, choose to not take it personally. Confront her....but I would rather chop off my thumbs then do that. Pray, click my heels and think happy thoughts....thats all I've got people.

Feel free to share your ideas. I need your help!
Annette

She's OK...

Madyson over at A Mom's Serious Blunder is still in the hospital following her surgery, but asked me to let you all know that she is feeling better. She should be home soon. Thanks for all the prayers and good thoughts.

Madyson
(c/o Annette) :o)