I just wanted once again to say how thankful I am for our readers. All the support you’ve given us is great, and I can’t believe how many of you sent us gifts. We are truly blessed. I’ll eventually get some sleep and get back to being funny, I swear

Episode 19, from 11-14-05 is now available.

NOTE: Each podcast is self-contained, so you won’t be lost if you haven’t listened to them all, or in order. Jump in anytime.

OTHER NOTES: This is the first podcast after our producer Scott dropped out, and I had a wicked bitch of a cold during my recording session, so I sound a little scratchy on this one.

* Introduction
* Berkeley Law
* Vote No on 75
* Harvey: Fun Facts About Maine Part 1
* Sling Blade: Attorney at Law
* Harvey: Fun Facts About Maine Part 2
* CSI: Nome
* WeHireAliens.com
* WeHireIllegals.com
* A Very Brady Survivor
* Law & Order: Special People’s Unit
* Clinton Natural Gas
* Hail to the Hottie [Holy crap! It's Obama!]
* Conclusion

A great summary of the Obama presidency from Iowahawk in text adventure form.

Though I’m familiar with text adventure tropes (“can’t get ye flask”), I’ve never actually played one (did try writing my own in BASIC, though). They were just a little bit before my time. I played the original King’s Quest and Space Quest and Police Quest with the text parser, but a game without graphics? What am I? A caveman?

HIGH PRAISE for the last riddle goes to joeschmo1of3. So, is this exercise making us all feel more confident the next time a sphinx blocks our path?

Anyway, another riddle:

I shield my eyes,
A cry is heard,
Justice comes soon.

Be the first to answer this riddle and you’ll win… hmm… what do I have as a prize… oh yeah…

HIGH PRAISE!

Science is saying that cancer is a modern invention that our ancestors luckily didn’t have to deal with. Sort of like clamshell packaging. Except it wasn’t made by one person; it’s just horrible, deleterious thing that sometimes arises as part of modern life. So more like a liberal.

It’s good to remember there are always trade offs. We all like to think we’re better than those who came before us because all the things we know and the cool stuff we have, but that’s just because people are arrogant (well, not me; I’m too awesome for that). It’s not that simple, though. Yes, people in ancient days had to hunt for food and could easily starve and they didn’t have DVRs and were always missing their favorite shows. But they also didn’t have to worry about cancer. And they didn’t have these useless twits called liberals who thought they were smarter than everyone and tried to boss people around. Back then, it didn’t matter if a useless twit knew how to sound smart; if you were useless and annoying, a saber-tooth tiger would eat you. It was brutal system, but it worked.

So while we have all our modern conveniences, we also have cancer and liberals. Is it worth it? Well, the iPad certainly is.

I like Joe Miller’s new ad:

It seems this should be a very easy decision for Alaskan voters. You have an actual conservatives with accomplishments in his life versus some useless twit who was given the Senate seat by her daddy. Oh, and I guess there is also a Democrat in the running, though I don’t know his/her name.

Anyway, Alaska can’t survive having useless twits as Senator. This isn’t Delaware; it’s up there by itself with Russia on one side and Canada on the other (the Twilight Zone version of the U.S.). Any day now, it may have to mount a defense against crazed Russians and weird Canadians (if they bite you, do you become one?). So do they want a Senator who is a veteran or the entitled, weasel-faced daughter of another entitled, career politician.

The usual way to get rid of a sucky Republican is to elect a Democrat — like Obama — but that’s no good, obviously. It would be nice to be able to use primaries to get rid of sucky Republicans, but they apparently just don’t go away that easily since they’re too useless to find other jobs outside of politics. Maybe we need to add a new law that when an incumbent loses in the Republican primary, he is then fired out of a cannon never to be seen from again (with an implied endorsement of the winner).

Wow. A lot of my solutions to problems seem to involve firing people out of cannons. Well, if it ain’t broke…

With a middlename of Buttercup, you’d think we wouldn’t need nicknames, but we already have Cuppers, Cup-Cup, Cupperbutt, and Pumpkin Belly.

Hmm… seems like my thoughts are becoming less random. Maybe it’s all this new responsibility. I’m sure it will pass.

Did you know Poland had bears in their army to help fight the Nazis? That answer is no, no you did not know that. It’s sort of like a more primitive version of my dinosaurs with rocket launchers idea. And it would be really cool to have a whole division of attack bears at our disposal.

“Negotiations have failed! Send in the bears!”

I guess that does sound a bit more like something Russians in comic books would do, but it’s still pretty cool. And we could use other, more available animals in the military now to work our way up to dinosaurs. Like we could have a rhinoceros with mounted gattling guns, an emu with a bazooka — which would technically be a dinosaur with rocket launcher — and elephants with all sorts of weaponry.

In fact, when you think of it, elephants were the original dinosaurs with rocket launchers. Back in ancient times, before they had dinosaurs, Hannibal Lecter marched into Rome with a bunch of giant elephants and everyone was so afraid that they surrendered immediately. And then Hannibal smoked a cigar and said, “I love it when a plan comes together.”

So, for all of you belittling my dinosaurs with rocket launchers idea, there’s precedent for you. So shut your stupid faces!

Haven’t been following politics too closely for a little while, but I probably should as I might be like a professional pundit or something. Like, whatever it is you need to do to be called a professional pundit, it’s possible I’ve done that at some point. That means people are waiting on my opinion on politics to know what to think and stuff.

So what’s been going on? There was a debate in Delaware over a senate seat — a senate seat for Delaware (do you know they have two senators, despite being Delaware?). And polls have the race not even being close and polls also show that the race is in Delaware, so it’s like it’s why do we even care. But it was a bit biased how Wolf Blitzer kept interrupting O’Donnell to shout, “She’s a witch! Burn her!” Chris Coons may be Harry Reid’s pet, but the moderator’s of that debate seemed to be his.

And the White House is attacking the Chamber of Commerce for… something. I’m not really sure what other than it’s intensely boring. Yet, this is the big thing Obama is concentrating on to try to get some movement in polls or something. I think Obama has officially gone insane. He’s probably going to descend into weird government conspiracies next… which is hard to pull off when you’re the president.

And while you don’t want to get your hopes up too much, it looks like a huge Republican wave is coming in November which will be pretty much unprecedented. Democrats are having to pour money into races they never thought they’d have to defend and cut off tons of lost causes in the House. It’s possible Democrats may be headed for extinction — though like with the mosquito, that may be a good thing. And the asteroid that caused this extinction level event for the Democrats is called Obama. Good job, dummy. Anyway, be prepared to do some really obnoxious gloating in November. You don’t want to have to look back and realize you weren’t quite as obnoxious in your gloating as the day called for.

So what else is going on? And how are all you people doing? Don’t answer the second one; I don’t really care.

One thing I like about 30 Rock is that they tackle politics on it without trying to make a point and just trying to be funny. Simpsons was that way for the first decade, but there was a while it got annoying and preachy. I think they’re through that phase, though.

Now that I’m a father, I can better imagine myself as Liam Neeson next time I watch Taken.