There are a number of events that Science! says we need to be worried about in the future. For one, in five billion years the sun is supposed to enter a red giant phase and engulf the earth. Pretty bad, but that’s a long way off, so we can safely leave it as someone else’s problem.

Except we have an earlier problem. The Andromeda galaxy is on a collision course with the Milky Way. And when it collides, who knows what will happen to our solar system? And that’s in only 4.5 billion years by current estimates.

But we have other problems besides that to worry about, as before the sun enters its red giant phase, it is constantly burning off fuel and getting hotter. It’s getting so hot, in fact, that in around 500 million years the earth should be unlivable. Yeah, that’s right: Only 500 million years. That’s something we have to think about dealing with.

If we live that long.

Because now scientists say they’ve noticed a periodic extinction pattern. Every 27 million years, something just starts killing things right and left. And the next one occurs in only 16 million years. That’s cutting it close, but that gives us time to prepare, right? But here’s the problem: Scientists have no idea what causes it.

That’s right; no idea. Usually scientists would at least act like they figured it out and make a wild guess. But this one is too mysterious to even attempt an explanation. But if something is mysterious and murderous, that points to only one culprit:

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In this ABC News story, it talks about “scientists” opposing Governor Jindal’s plan to deal with the oil spill. It never mentions who these scientists are or where they come from, because I guess it doesn’t matter because all you need to know is they’re scientists and thus right because they use Science!

Which gets me thinking: I’m a scientist. Well, I have a bachelors in science. And I like to study stuff like the science of humor. So I’m a scientist. That means that when you quote me, you shouldn’t say that, “Frank J. says…” You should say, “Scientists say…” So here are some new scientifical statements:

Scientists say that more funding and research needs to be devoted to dinosaurs with rocket launchers on them and space lasers.

Scientists say that lab tests on monkeys aren’t quite cruel enough yet.

Scientists say the best strategy for the president during a crisis is to accidentally lock himself in a trunk so he’ll stay out of the way of anyone who actually knows how to do something useful.

Scientists say we’re almost out of Doritos and should get more.

Scientists say that Super Mario Galaxy 2 is a really fun game.

Scientists say that SarahK should get up and get her own water instead of having her husband do it after he’s already sat down for dinner.

Scientists say that the cat should stop clawing people while they write or it’s going to get popped in the face.

Scientists say, “Buy my t-shirts.”

Remember, you can’t question any of this, because I… wield… Science!

I think the one complaint scientists get the most is that the anti-matter they make just isn’t cold enough. Well guess what? They’ve made it colder! 9.26 Kelvin. That’s just 17 degrees Fahrenheit above absolute zero. That should be plenty cold for anything you need it for!

Wait, what did you say you needed it for?

Oh yeah, I guess for that, you’d need it even colder. Still, I think this will be plenty cold for a lot of people.

Ever since scientists first discovered anti-matter, they were like, “But how do we make this cold?” They tried to put it on ice, but it would just explode since the ice was made out of normal matter. Similarly, blowing on it didn’t work. So then they made a magnetic trap. That worked awesomely. So now they have cold anti-matter and that is pretty… well… cool.

So what do you with cold anti-matter? Well, you get a news story written up about it for one thing. And then you work to make it even colder. Because Science! marches on. And there is no such thing as anti-matter being “too cold.”

Science!

Young Einstein was right: e=mc2 is the formula for splitting beer atoms

I’m a big fan of space exploration. Whether it’s because I truly believe that it’s to the benefit of all mankind that we push the boundaries of exploration, or if it’s just because it reminds me of Star Trek, I don’t know. Probably the latter. Anyway, I’m a big fan of space exploration.

A lot of Americans used to be that way, too.

However, ever since the summer of 1969, space exploration hasn’t seemed to have the country’s attention like it used to. What happened in the summer of ‘69? The Apollo 11 landing. And the last first-run episode of Star Trek. Not sure which caused the drop in interest in space.

Science! has another way to blind us

We need something to get people’s attention. And our good friend, Science!, has supplied it.

Beer.

In case you missed it — and I did until I was it on History Channel’s The Universe — there are clouds of beer in space.

Okay, it’s not exactly beer. But it’s alcohol, similar in structure to the alcohol in beer.

Geoff Macdonald, who has a keen interest in such matters, calculated that there is enough for 300,000 pints of beer for every person on Earth every day for the next billion years

Space has beer for the taking. That ought to get people’s attention. And it ought to increase the interest in space exploration.

Now, me? I don’t drink beer. I don’t drink any alcoholic beverages at all. I’m that much of a Baptist.

But you know what that means? When we all go to space after the space beer, I’m the designated driver.

Where do babies come from?

Wrong!!!

All this time, you thought it had something to do with “when a man loves a woman…” Or, maybe a Barry White song instead of a Percy Sledge (or Michael Bolton) song.

That is so early 21st century. We’ve moved beyond that.

Scientists have created eggs and sperm from stem cells.

Scientists at Stanford University in California found the right cocktail of chemicals and vitamins to coax the cells into becoming eggs and sperm.

The sperm had heads and short tails and are thought to have been mature enough to fertilise an egg.

The eggs were at a much earlier stage but were still much more developed than any created so far by other scientists.

While this is certainly interesting, what if babies realize that they don’t need men or women in order to be born?

Sure, the average baby isn’t all that smart. A typical infant is only slightly smarter than the average Democrat. But what about those Baby Einsteins that the Disney company made smart?

Don’t be fooled. Those Baby Einsteins are smart. They figured out how to get smart, then get their money back from Disney. Scary smart, those Baby Einsteins.

So, if smart babies learn how to make other babies, they’d probably make more smart babies. Then we’d be overrun with smart babies.

Not worried about that? Read that whole article again. Especially this part:

The science also raises the possibility of ‘male eggs’ made from men’s skin and ‘female sperm’ from women’s skin.

This would allow gay couples to have children genetically their own

Think about this. What if genius gay babies try to take over the world?

You know what? They’ll succeed?

Who would fight them? If it was Godzilla, we’d send the Army out to fight them. But it’s not Godzilla. It’s smart gay babies. We can’t send the Army to fight smart gay babies. They’re babies, for crying out loud.

On the other hand, maybe Obama would make his mind up to take a stand against smart gay babies. But I doubt it.

Smart babies, yes, he’d send the troops to fight against. But smart gay babies? That’s part of his constituency. The gay part, not the baby part. Or the smart part.

So, if babies tried to take over the world, Obama would fight against them. But if smart gay babies try, we’re screwed.

And not in the way that we used to make babies.

Scientists are currently searching for the Higgs boson — a massive scalar elementary particle — because if they find it they will prove once and for all that matter exists. Most people just seem to accept the existence of matter without contemplating the theoretical problems it causes, but scientists are not so foolish. If you ever wonder why scientists are so distant to their wives and children, it’s because until the Higgs boson is found, they can’t rationally be sure they’re there. Anyway, scientists are pretty sure the Higgs boson is out there, but to distinguish it from made up things people believe in, like the Tooth Fairy and morality, they need concrete proof.

To find the Higgs boson, scientists have constructed the Large Hadron Collider. The Small Hadron Collider, the Medium Hadron Collider, and the Fun-Size Hadron Collider all failed to locate the Higgs boson, but they’re pretty sure the Large one will do it. There is a small chance (one in six) that the Collider could create black holes and destroy the universe, but Science! has already shown we have 10^10^16 universes, so that’s not really a big deal.

Anyway, if you happen to see a Higgs boson, make sure to tell your nearest scientist. And be detailed in your description (height, weight, etc.).

Science!

So when are we getting laser rifles? I don’t know. The amount of things I have that I really want to shoot with a laser keeps growing and no progress is ever made on the list. It’s almost 2010; back in the ’80s I assumed that year I’d be driving around in my flying car shooting stuff with a laser. But no dice.

So why not? Well, what I blame for this is… um… immigrants childhood obesity the removal of Pluto from the list of planets blog commenters. Your ignorant comments are impeding Science! If you only spent more time thinking out smart things to say before posting on blogs, we’d probably all have lasers right now. You make everyone dumber with what you say, and that’s why we don’t have military-grade lasers.

So, if you wrote smarter comments, would that mean we would all get lasers? Indubitably. So, instead of writing just some comment on how you don’t like Obama, try to tie it into quantum mechanics. Smart talk like that will most certainly please mighty Science! who will reward our good work with lasers and flying cars and genetically resurrected dinosaurs. Remember: Science! is always watching — well, not actually always which leaves some things in an indeterminate state — but it’s watching a lot of time so be smart for it.

Scientists (using Science!) calculated that there are 10^10^16 possible universes. That’s a one with ten quadrillion zeroes following it. That means like any wacky possibility you can think of, statistically it’s likely to exist in one of those. Like a universe where hyper-intelligent pine cones rule. Or one where platypi are normal and we’re the ones who are weird-looking. And there’s a universe where ninjas mated with pirates to make ninja-pirates.

So I know what you’re thinking: “Can we invade them and steal their oil?” Yes, but we’ll need a pretext for the invasion. That’s simple, though: All we have to do is find a universe similar to our own and then hit them up for tons of copyright infringements. When they won’t pay, we invade them and take their oil!

It’s ideas like that that would make me a much better ruler than a pine cone.

Sky News reports that, at the University of Pittsburgh, a monkey fitted with a hi-tech brain chip has learned to move a complex robotic arm using mind control.

You read that right.

Monkeys controlling robots with their minds.

One science guy, who wears a lab coat, says it’s all for the public good:

Neurobiologist Dr Andy Schwartz said: “What we’re trying to do is go to a very dextrous hand – where the functionality is very similar to the human hand. If we could help stroke patients there would be a huge market for this kind of device.”

I’m not sure, but I think the guy that’s the mad scientist behind this is a nice guy. But letting monkeys control robots?

Don’t let Frank J. find out. He’s got a lot on his mind right now, what with writing all teh funneh, making up lies about the president (but true lies, not those awful false lies), and planning the birthday of someone who is very special to him (and the rest of us, too).

That’s a lot of pressure. He doesn’t need any more. Especially since he has to find the perfect birthday present for his wife. All married men know that if you don’t find the perfect gift, you might as well just dig a hole, crawl in, and cover yourself up. Your life is over if you screw up the wife’s birthday present.

So, Frank J. doesn’t need any extra pressure. I sure won’t do anything to cause any extra pressure on him. About his wife’s birthday.

And this story about monkeys controlling robots with their minds might freak him out. ‘Cause it’s freaky.

I mean, do you get the idea that scientists are like rednecks, only with test tubes and laboratories instead of beer cans and deer stands?

I mean, a redneck will get liquored up, hop on a four-wheeler and try to jump his mom’s car. He’ll make it about half-way across. It’s like, “Hey, y’all, watch this!” Then they’ve got a “Here’s Your Sign” winner.

Same way with these scientists. “Hello, colleagues, observe!” They wire up a monkey to a robot and let it control it with its mind.

We’ve all been worrying about SkyNet taking over. And, if it does, it will be a cross between Terminator and Planet of the Apes: monkey-controlled robots.

There’s a storm coming … and it’s a mad house, a mad house!