Happy fall Friday

Enjoy this tree while I finish the last page in part two of Hip Deep, Mountain High.

Comedy geniuses

Here's a list of people who I think are very funny:

1. Ricky Gervais
2. Steve Coogan
3. David Walliams
   
4. Matt Lucas
5. Peter Serafinowicz
6. Margaret Cho
7. Jennifer Saunders
8. Dawn French
9. Larry David
10. Bonnie Hunt
11. Graham Norton
12. Jimmy Carr
    

Not in the least

Here's a list of people who I do not think are funny at all:

1. Jimmy Fallon
2. Seth Myers
3. Horatio Sanz
4. Judah Muttonchops Trucker Hat on 30 Rock
   
5. The Kenneth the page character on 30 Rock
6. Eddie Izzard
7. Russell Brand
8. Dennis Miller
9. Howard Stern
10. Don Imus

Brunette of the week

Imani Coppola.

Culinary horror of the week

Happy eating America!

School dazed

I love how everyone, and by everyone I mean pundits and people who hate unions, are suddenly so concerned about our nation's schools. They're so concerned about them that they make films, prattle on endlessly while on TV, and spill gallons of ink to pinpoint the problem with all the schools in our land. And pinpoint the problem they have. It should shock no one that in these days of corporations uber alles and profit before people that the problem with our schools is also public enemy number #1 to every corporation and business out there, the teachers union!

That's right. You heard me. The pundits, the purveyors of privatized schools, and the preachers of profit prefer that teachers not be unionized and that their union is the one thing that is holding back great advancements in our schools. The fat cat left wing teachers unions are preventing any progress from being made in making our schools better, and more efficient. Study after study has shown that kids who have art and music education in their early elementary years do better in schools than ones who don't. So what did the teachers union do? They made local communities cut their budgets to they wouldn't have to teach those subjects. Then they made local communities slash their budgets even further so the kids wouldn't be able to have books and other things they need for learning. And for the final outrage, the teachers asked for a raise. They already make more than people working at McDonald's and Wal Mart, what else do they want? A million dollar garage to park their limos in? The greedy teachers get all summer off and they have the gall to ask for a raise? It's sick, the pundits and anti union people will tell you.

Maybe the solution to making our schools better is to stop trying to break the organization that offers teachers protection. Then we could start by fully funding schools by taking away tax breaks that are given to big box retailers and companies like Microsoft. Next for every academic program that gets cut, a sports program gets the ax as well, football is incredibly expensive and it benefits a relatively small amount of people, cuts in the areas of science and English could prove to be fatal to people. I also recommend that solar panels be placed on all school roof tops so that schools can generate clean sustainable electricity that can flow into the local power grid so that we can lessen out use of coal.

The problem isn't teachers making too much money or having a union. The problem is we don't want to pay to make our schools any good. And in the long term the problem of sub standard schools is going to be even bigger than the mortgage crisis. If Johnny can't read because there was no money for books, then we are all fucked.

Reason # 674 why I'm glad I'm an atheist

The guys from Insane Clown Posse outed themselves as evangelical Christians. They'll need to change their name now to Inane Clown Posse.

Christians all over the world must be rejoicing now that the lads from ICP have joined their ranks.

I wonder if they'll release a gospel CD. Gosh, I sure hope so.

The liberal media strikes again!

Once again the liberal media in the USA left out the most important parts of the Rich Iott Nazi cosplay story. Yes, the erstwhile GOP candidate Iott liked to dress up as a Nazi and play war games but the reason he did it was he's a big time history buff who wanted to use the Third Reich cosplay to bond with his son. That's Mr. Iott second from right in the above photo.

What the liberal media isn't telling you is that Mr. Iott and his son tried cosplay from several historical eras before they found one they sympathized with.
They tried their hand at re-enacting the race riots in 1967 Detroit but they found that the African Americans they recruited to play with them took their roles a little too seriously.
So then they tried the KKK of the 1920's when the Klan was at it's peak. But they didn't like it because it was a little too left wing for them.

Next they gave the 1070's a shot and they dabbled in Kent State massacre cosplay. They found it too modern for their liking.

So they went back in time and tried old English style bear baiting but the bear won more times than they care to mention.

So given their proclivity for reenacting troubled times in history and given the fact that Mr. Iott is a radical right wing teabagger, it only made sense that he'd choose the Nazis and their fight to bring race/corporate based fascism to the world as the thing to bond with his son over.
It's all perfectly innocent because we all know the teabaggers tell us all the time they're not racist or fascist.

What does Hedley Lamarr want for Christmas?

"Take this down: I want rustlers, cut-throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperadoes, mugs, pugs, thugs, nit-wits, half-wits, dim-wits, vipers, snipers, con-men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bush-whackers, horn-swagglers, horse-thieves, bull-dykes, train-robbers, bank-robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers, and Methodists!"

Since George W. Bush is a Methodist, I'll skip getting Hedley one of those.

Movie review times two

This film is billed as a comedy and there are some funny moments in it, but it's a stretch to call it a comedy. Don't get the wrong idea, I liked this film very much but it's not really a comedy.

A young woman in postwar Britain gets involved with a semi pro theatre company in her city and she falls in love with the artistic director, who just happens to be a bitchy theatre queen who has his claws out for any and all who think they can best him on his home turf. Things get even more complicated when the local acting legend comes back into the picture to play Captain Hook in their holiday production of Peter Pan.

The accents were hard to pick up at first but once I got used to the rhythm of how they all spoke, it got easier to understand. Georgina Cates is terrific as the young girl with stars in her eyes. But it's Hugh Grant who steals the show as the bitchy catty theatre queen. If you have done any amount of local, community, musical, dinner, or any theatre at all, then you've run across a person who is like Grant's character in this movie.

This movie is more of a melancholy slice of post war life with a few funny bits tossed in than it is a comedy. I recommend it highly.

Wow. How the hell have I missed seeing Freeway for so long? I've seen it a million times in the video store but I always passed it by. Then a friend loaned me her copy a week or so ago and I finally watched it and I fucking love it. It's the flip side to those old time 1950's juvenile delinquent/bad girls in peril films but instead of pushing the virtuous heroine, this film pushes Reese Witherspoon character's badness in our faces. She's bad, and she, and we love it, but the film takes pains to show why she's gone bad.

This movie is sexy and violent, cartoonishly so. And it's one of the funniest black comedies I've ever seen. It ranks right up there with Heathers in my book. I laughed like a mad man when Witherspoon prays to her god for forgiveness after she shoots Kiefer Sutherland, she tells he god that since he didn't step in and save her she was at a loss for what to do and that's why she shot Sutherland. I can't warn those of you who hate violence in film enough, this film is full of it, but holy hell, it's one twistedly fine, funny crime film. And it doesn't hurt that Reese Witherspoon is cuter than cute in it. The late Brittany Murphy makes a cameo in this film as a girl who befriends Witherspoon in juvey, it's kind of sad to see her do so well in this small part knowing that just a few years later she'd pass away at such a young age.

I loved this film and I recommend it to those of you who like over the top black comedies.

Happy Apple sez...

"Eat me!"

Blog love

I'm in love with two blogs right now. And they are:

1. Grantbridge Street & Other Misadventures. It's a blog that features scans of comic book stories and pretty women. If you don't like comics that are aimed at adults and pictures of beautiful women then don't check it out. But if you like stories written and drawn by people like Walt Simonson, Archie Goodwin, Jack Kirby, Brian Bolland, Milo Manara, and if you like 'fit birds' as the author of the blog calls them, then check out this great blog.
   
2. Cowgirl Chef. She's a Texas gal who lives in France and she cooks and shares her recipes and she's cute as a button and she's on Facebook too. If you hate good food, then you'll hate her blog. If McDonald's and Cici's Pizza are your thing, then her blog won't be your thing. However, her thing is just my kind of thing.
   

Sound effect of the day

So close it's scary

I love this woman. Her post about leaving the Catholic church is moving, almost poetically so, and it reminds me of why I left religion all together.

Well done ma'am.

Well done indeed.

Has it been ten years already? Gosh, it seems like it's been a hundred!

My country invaded Afghanistan ten years ago and all we got was mountain of debt added to our budget deficit that used to be a surplus before the war.

My country invaded Afghanistan ten years ago and all this guy got was a traumatic brain injury that changed him forever. Oh yeah, he also got post traumatic stress syndrome too.

My country invaded Afghanistan ten years ago and all these people got was the loss of their homes, their families, and their livelihoods.
My country invaded Afghanistan ten years ago and all this kid got was burns all over his body from fires caused by our bombs. He may get cancer later from the shells that we used that contained depleted uranium.
My country invaded Afghanistan ten years ago and all we got to show for it was more terror attacks, the loss of civil liberties, FBI raids on the homes of anti war protesters, international hatred and mockery, and an anti Muslim backlash.

My country invaded Afghanistan ten years ago and the people who ordered the invasion that led to the deaths of thousands of people, the destruction of homes, the physical and mental injuries that will never heal, get to play golf and have fun:
My country invaded Afghanistan ten years ago and the man we elected to get us out of that quagmire, the man who won the Nobel Peace Prize for not doing a god damn thing that was peaceful, also plays golf while millions of dollars and countless lives get wasted in that rat-hole of a war in Afghanistan.
My country invaded Afghanistan ten years ago and it's time to get the fuck out!

The following things are now 'the Christian thing to do' according to the American Family Association

• Not feeding the starving. (If they were really hungry they'd get up off their Satanic filled asses and go get something to eat.)
• Stoning homosexuals and Chileans. (We all knew God hated fags, well, now he hates people from Chile as well. It's all in the book of Habakkuk. Look it up you damn dirty sinner.)
• Denying sick children a hospital bed. (Health care reform is evil, Christians must step up and stop it where ever they can.)
• Enslaving the poor. (Slavery is allowed in the Bible and the poor don't want to work, so we might as well enslave them. We can't enslave the rich because they give too much money to the church. Rich people, amen!)
• Closing down public school free lunch programs. (God hates freeloaders who live to cadge free meals.)
• Closing down public schools. (Compulsory education is an attempt by big government to brainwash our children into believing in evolution and forcing them to accept interracial marriage, the homosexual agenda, and the metric system.)
• Mating with family members. (God only wants pure Christian people to mate and have children, and if the only place you can find a pure Christian is in your family, then have at it.)
• Lying. (It's fine to lie to unbelievers. Who are they gonna get to go after you? The god they don't believe in? Hah!)
• Stealing. (God wants you to have nice stuff and if you have to steal it from an atheist or a Presbyterian, then go for it.)
• Cheating on your taxes. (God doesn't want your hard earned dollars to go to the bloated and wasteful government, he wants those dollars for himself and for his servants, especially the farting preacher, the gay anti gay preachers, Benny Hinn, and the Pope.)
• Abortion. (God doesn't want liberals, Communists, Chileans, hippies, single women, people who watch MTV, and pointy headed intellectuals to have kids so it's okay to forcibly abort them if they get pregnant.)

Please stay tuned to this blog to find out what else is the new 'Christian thing' to do. And remember:

What's worse than processed canned meat?

Six pound cans of processed cheddar cheese sauce, that's what. Happy eating America!

Comic book confidential

I outed myself as a hater of all things Superman on Facebook the other day. And one of my friends tried to convince me that I was wrong. He gave me the origins of how Superman came to be, which I already knew, and he even tried to bring it into the political realm by saying that he felt the Superman was the ultimate illegal alien and that he was a liberal.

Nope. I didn't buy it. Like I said I knew Superman's back story, all about how his Jewish creators got screwed over in their copyright fight with DC, and the rest. It all comes down to whether I find Superman a compelling and interesting character. And I don't. I never did. In fact, I'll go so far as to say I hated Superman comics, the TV show, and all the movies they've made with his character so far, the one exception is Hollywoodland, which is kind of about Superman in an oblique way.

My problem with Superman is that the character is boring. He's too goody goody, he's invincible, and they surrounded him with dopey blatantly stupid supporting characters that always insulted my intelligence. I mean come the hell on, how fucking stupid do Jimmy Olsen, he of the biggest unrequited gay crush in the history of comics, Lois Lane, and Perry White have to be? They work side by side with Clark Kent and Superman and they can't fucking tell Superman is really just Kent without his glasses? Bah, and triple humbug. Boooooooorrrrrrring and stupid.

I'll grant you that in the depths of the Great Depression and the years leading up to and through World War 2, the country needed a character like Superman. It was great to imagine that there was a perfectly invincible superhero who was out there protecting us and fighting crime. But those days are long gone and Superman should have been gone with them.

Growing up when I did there were really only two choices in comic book companies, Marvel and DC. And since Superman was the flagship product of DC, I hated most of the rest of DC's titles. I was a Marvel fan and remained so right up through the time in my early to mid 20's when I was a serious collector and reader of comics. I liked the X-Men, Alpha Flight, Thor, New Mutants, and some indie titles like American Flagg. I had nothing but disdain for most DC titles, including Batman, until Frank Miller's Dark Night.

But I can't say I hated everything DC put out. I loved, loved, loved Kamandi:
George Perez's Wonder Woman:
Most anything by Joe Kuebert, especially Tarzan and Sgt. Rock:
I loved this title in the early 1970's:
And I remember Walt Simonson's Manhunter from the early 1970's blowing my then young mind. The story was kick ass and the art was unlike any I had seen before. Frankly I was surprised that DC put something like that out.

As the years went on the death grip of DC and Marvel was finally broken and many different comic book publishers have come and gone and with them many different kinds of stories have been told and are continuing to be told. And the competition forced Marvel and DC to be more innovative and daring. Surprisingly, DC won that battle years ago with it's launch of Vertigo. The Vertigo line from DC tells grown up stories that use groundbreaking and eye popping art. Vertigo is responsible for giving us Sandman, Y the Last Man, Fables, Hellblazer, Greek Street, and many more gritty interesting books. Marvel meanwhile languishes in it's bathtub of tired old worn out titles that include about fifty slightly different permutations of X-Men and Spiderman.

So now the worm has turned and these days I hardly read any Marvel, the last good thing I read from Marvel was 1602, and I read mostly stuff from DC's adult imprint Vertigo. However despite that change in my reading habits, I still despise Superman. And if you love Superman, that's cool. Really it is, we can still be friends if you love Superman while I hate him, it's not essential that we agree on everything to remain friends.

Admit it

This is what you think of when someone mentions 'the south':

I told you to stop picking your seat...

but did you listen? Oh no.

I'm good thanks

Christian fundamentalists are up in arms because some Muslim cleric went on national TV and said he wants to see sharia law in the US and that Muslims pray for the day when the Muslim flag flies over the White House.

Now, correct me if I'm wrong but don't Christians want their law to govern all the world? Don't they want their religion to take over the world?

What's the difference? Fundamentalists on both sides want their religion to prevail and to force everyone to bow down and worship the same fairy tale characters they believe in. Muslims want to win over the west, Christians want to win over the middle east.

So who wins? Who's right?

Nobody wins when whack job religious types want to force everyone to their way of thinking and believing. No one who says that their way is the only way is right.

The only winners will be those of us who reject religion or those who keep it in it's proper place, away from others. If you choose to believe in a religion, fine. Just don't try to make me believe in it and don't try to force others to believe in it. And above all, don't mix it with any political system. People should treat religion like sex, have it, enjoy it, even experiment with it, but do all that shit in private with consenting adults.

I love these illustrations by Gustave Verbeek and Peter Newell

You can find out more about these two illustrators by clicking here and here.

Cooking (and baking) with Dr. Monkey

Today's episode, cream cheese pumpkin muffins with streusel topping.

We grew pumpkins and watermelon in our front yard this year. The watermelon, moon and stars variety, grew okay but they didn't get big and they were seedy as hell and not very sweet at all. However the pumpkins were a smashing success. We grew this variety:
Calm down those of you who don't grow gardens, yes, that's a pumpkin and not all pumpkins are roundish and orange, just like not all carrots are orange and not all potatoes are white. We used one pumpkin already to make pumpkin ravioli and pumpkin soup, so I decided to cook this pumpkin up and use it in some baked dishes. First I cut it up and peeled it. Then I cut it into smallish chunks and I tossed all if it in a pot and covered it with water:
I boiled it until all the pieces were soft and then I put the soft pieces in the food processor and I pulsed the hell out of them. This is what I ended up with:
You can't tell from the photo but that's a pretty good sized mixing bowl, I'd say I ended up with about 6 to 8 cups of cooked pumpkin.

Yesterday I looked up pumpkin recipes online and I found this one for cream cheese pumpkin muffins. I followed it to the letter except where it called for olive oil, I used canola oil. And I followed the advice of the first commenter who said to make the cream cheese filling a little differently then they call for in the main recipe. Oh, I also used fat free cream cheese, which made the recipe lower over all in fat.

I have to say for a guy who doesn't do much baking, that's Sparky's thing, I cook, she bakes, this recipe was easy to follow. Here's what my muffins looked like before I baked them:
And here they are after 25ish minutes in the oven at 375F:
I had quite a bit of batter left over, enough for about a half a dozen more muffins but I ended up tossing it. They muffins are pretty darn tasty and they are fluffy and moist. I'd definitely make this recipe again but next time I may make it as a cake and make a fat free cream and streusel frosting to go on top of it.

I've got more pumpkin left over so I'll probably make pumpkin/banana bread in the next few days and I'll stick it in the freezer.

Commodore Capitalist and the Crisis of Conscience

One day Commodore Capitalism suddenly out of nowhere developed a conscience and he felt sorry for all the bad things that the capitalism had done to the people the whole world over. He confessed to his butler, "Jeeves old boy, I'm feeling ill about misery, injustice, and harm capitalism has done to the poor, to the working classes, to women, to the Negroes, to the Latinos, to the children, to everyone! I've been chosen by God himself to promote and uphold this economic system through any means necessary and yet now I see all the harm that our rapacious greed hath wrought. The economic system that benefits my friends and family is crushing those who would have no truck with it and it's destroying the very planet we live on! What ever shall I do now that I have seen what the horrors has capitalism done?"
Jeeves said meekly, "Perhaps sir could now find it within his heart to give me a raise so that my son may finally get that heart transplant that he's had his eye on?"

"Jeeves, old man, you're fired," shot back Commodore Capitalism. "And don't even think of asking for any severance pay or a recommendation. Get out of my mansion before I throw you out you despicable ruffian."

The sad butler left his employer and he wandered the streets spreading the news that Commodore Capitalism had gone soft and was questioning the very economic system that he was sworn to uphold at any cost.
"He fired me after I asked for a raise so that my son could get a heart transplant operation..."

"Here now, wot's unusual about that? You ask fer a raise, you git fired, that's how it is," said the stranger who Jeeves had told his story to.

"Right you are guv, but in the old days before he went soft on capitalism, he would have fired me, beat me up, and dragged me through the streets to the hovel that I share with my family, whereupon he would have disemboweled me in front of them."

"Blimey," said the stranger, "he 'as gone soft, ain't he."

When word of all this reached President John Q. Moneybags Bush-Clinton the Fourth, he was incensed, so incensed in fact that he had the FBI track down and murder all the people Jeeves had blabbed to. Then he ordered them to beat Jeeves up and have him dragged through the streets to his home whereupon he and his family were disemboweled.

Still the word spread.


"Oh heavens, Commodore Capitalism has gone soft. He's questioning our right as rich white people to use up all the world's resources as we see fit, to treat people with dark skin like so much chattel, and to make the peasants and serfs our wage slaves!"

"That wastrel deserves a good trashing I say! A GOOD THRASHING!"

"Harrummmph!"

Then the unthinkable happened, Commodore Capitalism decided to go out to see what life was like for those who did not earn over $250,000 a year.

"I'll just go see for myself how the lower classes live," he said as he rode off into the slums.

Once inside the nearest slum he stopped a worker and asked him how he would make the world a better place if given the chance. The worker said, "I'd make sure that people like me got paid a living wage that could lift my family out of poverty. I'd make them bosses stop taking all the profits for themselves and make them share it with the people who made them rich. I'd make health care free for all people and I'd make sure all workers were in a union or trade guild..."

Commodore Capitalism could bear no more of the working man's prattle so he bitched slapped the man and he kicked him in the balls while he was down.

Meanwhile, across town the Capitalist Cabal was convening.
"Something's got to be done about Commodore! He's not protecting us properly. Those bastard workers are starting to organize. They're grumbling that we don't pay them enough and that we don't pay our fair share of taxes!"

"How dare they suggest we pay taxes! How dare they organize! Those ungrateful wretches, I'll see they all burn in hell."

"Question capitalism? Those god damn dirty Commie socialist pigs!"

Suddenly the door to the Capitalist Cabal Clubhouse burst open and in walked Commodore Capitalism! He stared them trio of hard bitten capitalist fat cats down and he said, "This was all a test to see if you men still believed in the free market system and in the God given right of the white upper class to use capitalism to keep ourselves in power. I had to know that you all backed unregulated unrestrained capitalism and would be willing to defend it with your very lives if need be!"

The men roared with laughter. "Us? Give our lives to keep our soul crushing system afloat? Oh my no, we'll pit the workers against each other and we'll use those Bronze age religions to keep them in line, so we're going to rule forever!"

A smile crept across Commodore Capitalism's smooth face. Before he rode off he told the men, "Where ever a union is being formed, I'll be there to stop it. Where ever someone demands worker's compensation after a work place accident, I'll be there to silence them. When someone asks for a raise I'll be there to get them fired. When someone suggests we pay more in taxes, I'll be there to raise theirs. When some sick kid with an incurable disease drains the profits of a hospital, I'll be there to pull the plug on the little bastard. When some Negro, female, or Latino demands that they be paid the same as a white man, I'll be there to make sure they get a pay cut. When someone speaks ill of this blessed economic system that has made us wealthy beyond our wildest dreams and that allows us to treat the world like it's our play toy, then I shall be there to call them a god damned dirty Commie and to discredit them any way I can. Gentlemen, I shall be ever vigilant and on guard to keep rich white male privilege and glorious capitalism alive!"
And then as Commodore Capitalism rode off into the night, the men of the Capitalist Cabal Club slapped each other on the back, lit cigars with $1000 bills, and sexually harassed the poor but honest buxom young waitress who brought them their snifters of brandy.

Sound effect of the week of the day

Another page from 'Hip Deep, Mountain High'

The traveling minister...

...managed to show up just in time to ruin yet another frontier threesome. Damn him.

Decent politician of the week

Ohio's own Marcy Kaptur, I fell in love with her after seeing her fiery populism in Capitalism: A Love Story.