POLL RESULTS.
AT PRESS TIME, more than fourscore intelligent readers have taken Dr. Boli’s short poll. The results are clear and conclusive. No answer had an absolute majority, and no two answers taken together had an absolute majority. This shows—clearly and conclusively—that the readers of this celebrated Magazine are men and women who prize independent thought.
There were, however, two answers that consistently earned more votes than any of the others, and the two have been nearly equal in votes throughout the course of the poll. The question, you will recall, was “On-line polls: Are they useful?” To that question 20.7% of respondents answered, “Yes, because they fool people into thinking their opinions matter,” and 23.2% of respondents answered, “No, because they are always rigged by the Trilateral Commission.”
From these data we can paint an accurate portrait of Dr. Boli’s readership. It is patently obvious that all the votes for “No, because they are always rigged by the Trilateral Commission,” were cast by incorrigible cynics and conspiracy theorists. It is equally obvious that all the votes for “Yes, because they fool people into thinking their opinions matter,” were cast by the Trilateral Commission.
ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: Why are vacuum cleaners so loud? —Sincerely, Fido, a Frightened Dog.
Dear Sir: Vacuum cleaners do not naturally make noise. It is a principle well known even to children in grammar school that sound cannot travel in a vacuum; therefore, by a trifling and obvious logical deduction, the mechanism of your vacuum cleaner must be completely silent.
The first marketers of vacuums, however, found that this silence made it almost impossible to sell the things. You may imagine the scene for yourself: the salesman, having cornered his prey at last, prepares to demonstrate the marvelous new invention that will relegate housekeeping drudgery to the history books; with a dramatic flourish he flips the switch, and—as far as the customer can tell—absolutely nothing happens.
It was apparent that, in defiance of all physical laws, the machine must make noise, or it would never be sold; and thus the manufacturers were forced to introduce an artificial noise, which in the earliest models was produced by the inventors themselves screaming into the recording apparatus at the tops of their lungs.
In those early vacuums, the sound was stored on a phonograph record; and before the advent of the electrical process of sound recording, vacuum cleaners had to be quite large, in order to make room for the acoustical reproducing horn. Beginning in the 1950s, the sound was stored on a continuous loop of magnetic tape, which for the first time allowed the housekeeper to vacuum indefinitely without interruption. In modern appliances, the sound is recorded and stored digitally, which makes the manufacture of smaller hand-held vacuum cleaners practical for the first time.
You might suppose that the continuous improvement in the scientific education of ordinary people would render the noise of the vacuum unnecessary, but such appears not to be the case. In spite of our vaunted scientific knowledge, it seems that most of us believe that a machine is more powerful if it makes more noise. The ignorant prejudice of the masses, Dr. Boli regrets to say, is the sole reason why you, and so many of your canine race, must hide under the sofa whenever housekeeping is in progress.
ANNOUNCEMENT.
THE PERFORMANCE BY Sister Mary Norbert, the Javelin-Throwing Nun, previously scheduled for 7:00 tonight at Heptagon Gardens, has been canceled. Following last night’s performance, the diocese reached the decision that Sister Mary Norbert’s talents would better serve the Church in some other field of endeavor. The management of Heptagon Gardens apologizes to patrons for any disappointment or inconvenience, and would like to extend sincerest best wishes for a speedy recovery to the bishop.
TONIGHT AT EIGHT.
Dumont Network: Harsh Words (crime drama). The new Dumont drama that pairs a by-the-book cop with a cold but beautiful forensic etymologist. Tonight: When a West Frisian terrorist is murdered, the only clue is a certain subtle difference between closely related Low Germanic dialects.
The Brimstone Channel: The Jesus Show, with the Reverend Bob-Bob Lee (religion). Tonight: “American Exceptionalism.” Rev. Bob-Bob explains why Jesus likes us better than grubby foreigners.
Northern Broadcasting System: Quirkville, PA (comedy-drama). The quirky comedy-drama about a quirky small town and the quirky people who live there. Tonight: Rumors begin to circulate that Mayor Quentin Q. Quentin has been replaced by a space alien who can mimic all his quirky mannerisms.
Metromedia: Al ’n’ Me (comedy). The wacky adventures of best buddies Alexander and Hephaestion as they look for new worlds to conquer. Tonight: It’s Bucephalus’ birthday—and Hephaestion can’t think of a present for the horse who has everything.
Golf Network: The Golf Show (golf). Tonight: Why you should be paying more for your clubs.
Baldwin Borough Community TV: Baldwin Borough Council Meeting (public affairs). Tonight: Motion to ban foreign cars in unattractive colors.
Wolf Broadcasting Corporation: Fries with That (reality). The hot reality show that takes ten new college graduates, puts them in dead-end jobs, and leaves them there forever. Tonight: Derek uses a paper clip and a rubber band to fix the office printer so that a $15 million contract can be completed on time, and his supervisor has him arrested for stealing office supplies.
The Lawnmower Channel: Monster Weeds (documentary). Tonight: The team visits a yard where wild plants have been allowed to reach eighteen inches or more in height.
Science Central: Ghost Investigators (documentary). Tonight: With no hauntings for more than a month, the crew begins to consider killing one of their interns to see if he comes back as a ghost.
ASK. DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: Why were some of the New England patriots called “Minute Men”? —Sincerely, Lexington Lou.
Dear Sir or Madam: The British army relied on tactics, organization, and equipment. The colonial rebels could not match the discipline of the Redcoats, so they resorted to tactics of surprise. Ambushes and so forth could only take them so far, but the tide began to turn in the colonials’ favor when they introduced the famous Minute Men, highly miniaturized soldiers, of whom the largest was no more than three inches tall, and the smallest truly justified the term “minute.” With these tiny soldiers, the militias on the side of the rebellion were able to surprise the British at every turn, even hiding in the British soldiers’ cartridge-boxes, leaping out of their powder-horns, and generally making such nuisances of themselves that the British came to realize they could never hold their North American empire so long as the Minute Men infested it.
After the war of the Revolution was over, most of the Minute Men were given a few square feet of land each in western Massachusetts, and they settled down and became gentlemen farmers.
