American Family Association blogger Bryan Fischer said a couple days back that firefighters in Tennessee letting that house burn down was the “Christian thing” to do, and after we picked it up and it spread across the Internets, it turns out a lot of people, Christian and non-Christian, thought he was quite incorrect about that! But Fischer has come back on the blog (in WHITE text) to refute his communist critics, because he is CERTAIN Jesus likes to see His children suffer to make a point about government expenditure. “It’s frankly odd to see the Christian community blame the fire department for something that was somebody else’s fault. I’m used to hearing that from liberals, socialists, and Marxists, but not from followers of Christ.” This guy is the best! READ MORE »
Yes, yes, yes, way too many people are making “I’m You” parodies of Satanic meatball Christine O’Donnell’s Delaware Witch Project commercial, but some of them are worthy of 30 seconds of your time, right? What else are you going to do with that time, today? Look for a job, on Friday afternoon before a three-day weekend? “Finish that project”? No you are going to watch these fucking videos. READ MORE »
They should really do one of those Dirty Jobs shows about dealing with C-SPAN callers. [Videogum]
Just when Teabagger parents thought they could have as many poor welfare children as they wanted, the big scary government child services came in and decided it could TAKE AWAY THEIR CHILDREN just because they are members of a Teabagger group that wants to protect the Constitution (with guns). This is all according to Jonathan Irish of New Hampshire, who is a member of “Oath Keepers,” a militia group with a weird Constitution fetish, whose website says, “We will NOT obey orders to disarm the American people.” The government is taking away this Teabagger spawn because it wants to MURDER the Constitution and and will hurt ANY brave citizen standing up to protect it. These people are truly great Americans. READ MORE »
Are you one of the lucky one-in-eight Americans who would go hungry if not for government-provided debit cards that can be used to buy food? The average monthly benefit is $134, and that’s generally provided in the form of an EBT card that can be used to buy food. JPMorgan provides a lot of those cards and the infrastructure behind it — there’s your financial services recovery, ha? — and the director of that program says he’s seeing “continued volume increases, at a level that’s not been seen before.” How big an increase? 20% this year, and that’s after rising 25% last year. READ MORE »
While our FLOTUS would surely order the hanging of fat slobs who eat donuts from gross chains such as Krispy Kreme and Dunkin’ Donuts, those who feast upon Gourmet Doughnuts — perhaps topped with artisanal bacon — are (like the rich) different. True, fancy doughnuts are still fried in grease and packed with sugar, but they’re served as part of a square meal known as brunch and brunch changes everything. You do know that, right? READ MORE »
OMG, you guys, Glenn Beck is dying! At least we think so, as he is very cryptic about it. He got all teary and such on his radio show today, and while that’s pretty much an every-second occurrence for him, this time he seemed resigned to the fact that he will die, or something, soon. No, sorry, we heard that wrong: “What is happening to me mentally is not a depression, is not a death, it is a transformation,” he said, because Mormons don’t actually die, they just transform, like in those Animorphs books. But the word “mentally” in that gives us pause, because maybe it just means Glenn Beck is finally realizing he should trust his doctors when they say he’s insane. Holy Shutter Islandz! READ MORE »
Internal e-mails concerning the firing of Shirley Sherrod have been released to media organizations that requested them, and it turns out the USDA and White House acted pretty much like everyone thought they had! “Just wanted you to know that this dismissal came up at our morning senior staff meeting today,” said the White House’s Cabinet liaison, Christopher Lu, who is probably wishing he had a cool signature that would impress everyone reading his now-infamous e-mails. “Everyone complimented USDA on how quickly you took this action.” We hope the Obama administration let the USDA pick out a sticker for doing such a good job firing that innocent lady! Also interesting: the USDA took note of what your Wonkette said about the Sherrod video, but failed to take our position that the video was not actually a big deal and was just Breitbart race-baiting. Whoops! READ MORE »
This smarmy crybaby in pleated trousers was just bitching so loudly because the escalator at the Shaw metro stop was “broken” yesterday. He was a grown man eating a candy bar, which is against The Subway Rules in the first place, and his too-pretty-for-him girlfriend was in those weird ballet shoes with the Neverending Story medallions on them. (Why is this a thing now?) She nodded her head in taut agreement when he said the outage was “ridiculous,” and you could tell theirs was one of those relationships with a severe pleasure imbalance in the bedroom. READ MORE »
Wake up, West Coast dope hippies! If voters approve California’s Proposition 19, everything will be ruined for Mexico’s farmers, soldiers, and cops! Thus speaks Don Pito Calderone, the top narco-capo of the República de México who moonlights as a Napoleonic president. Here’s the shocking headline from the Guadalajara daily Informador: “Calderon: Problems for Mexico if California Legalizes Marijuana.” READ MORE »
Bob Schieffer hosted a karaoke fundraiser event for drunk newscasters and other drunken media types. Team Wonkette won Best Worst Performance, and here is the video that proves it: READ MORE »
Christine O’Donnell caused widespread panic and nearly crashed every stock market when she announced, “I’m YOU!” Everyone who heard this horrific claim immediately went to their local Walmart and bought fifty-pound sacks of rat poison and Crayola sparkle markers, so that their suicide notes would look pretty. However, after some serious fact-checking it turns out Christine is full of crap: she is not us and we are not her, hooray we almost killed ourselves! But Christine O’Donnell enjoyed scaring America so much that she decided to make another video, this time claiming, “I didn’t go to Yale (Divinity School).” That’s a mighty stupid way to start a political ad, but at least Christine is not bragging about having a multiple personality disorder, so maybe this video is an improvement? READ MORE »
- In perhaps the most important decision since Roe v. Wade or maybe even Thomas Jefferson v. Illegitimate Slave Children, a federal judge upheld Barack Obama’s sinister “health insurance for everyone” death pyramid scheme. Legal scholars around the world are puzzled as to why the judge ruled in favor of Communism and against the patriot-plaintiffs, a “Christian legal group and four people” (who are not Christians?). But oh well, Barack Obama’s evil law forcing every American to have health insurance by 2014 (and fining people for skipping coverage) is legal! There is a case just like this one currently being argued in basically every single state, so the hope is that maybe a judge with half a brain will rule in favor of impeaching Obama. [AP] READ MORE »
Have you forgotten all about the redneck webcam star “Skoal Rebel” aka skoalrebel, who was for a brief moment in time the most popular Actual Human Character on your Wonkette? The cud-chewin’ loser may have dropped off the map “in real life,” but his memory lives on within the appalling cartoon character of Cartman from teevee’s South Park. Are things getting weirder out there? Let’s look at the original Skoalrebel, and laugh together. READ MORE »
It is ABSOLUTELY IMMORAL that Levi Johnston would trade on his Palin fame by appearing in a music video. That family’s life is private and should not be exploited for money. What’s that? Teenage girls’ anti-abortion hero and Dancing with the Stars personality Bristol Palin is appearing in a music video also? Well good for her! Except that this is the most dreadful thing we’ve ever seen. For some reason it’s filmed in an Alaska “ice hotel” and Bristol is wearing some sort of Stevie Nicks witch costume. And also she is groping a giant ice dildo with a rose encased in it, because that is how you win an MTV video trophy for “Best Original Ice Dildo.” You can watch Bristol cast a spell on you with more of her amazing acting skillz after the jump! READ MORE »
Apparently SOME lawyers would rather recite pledges of allegiance to MUSLIM NOODLE SOUP than THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, a fact that does not sit well with patriot Mississippi Chancery Court Judge Talmadge Littlejohn, who threw attorney Danny Lampley in jail yesterday for failing to recite the Pledge in court. This is rather illegal for the judge to do, of course. But sometimes judges have to be activist (AHHHH! SCARY!) to enforce the more important parts of the Constitution (about how everyone has to talk about how much they love their country all the time and being gay is illegal, for example) against the less important parts (First Amendment). And thus Talmadge Littlejohn, who even sounds like a grand Confederate general, has saved our great country (the Confederate / United States of America) from those who wish to destroy it. READ MORE »
Some wingnut found out Campbell’s Soup in Canada is now certified halal and became very angry that Sharia law was being imposed on his chicken-noodle soup, as we briefly mentioned yesterday. Suddenly, there is now a Facebook page full of thousands of wingnuts “protesting” this, or whatever it is you call idiots trying to type xenophobic comments in correct English into a box on Facebook. Such as, “No is no such thing as Peachful Muslims.” Peachful, right. Here’s another good one! “There were no NAZI bagesl during WWII and there should darn well not be any American soup company going halal. To hell wtih Campbell’s!” The Muslims want us to eat their food, but we won’t do it! We won’t eat any food at all! HAHA! Take that, Muslims! READ MORE »
