Wonkette

Everything is settled in the Carolinas and Mississippi or wherever, correct? There is a very detailed liveblog from Secret Jim Newell (Jack Stuef), mentioning baseball and a way to bring Facebook to Haiti. Let’s! Why should Facebook be limited to islands/nations with buildings or electricity? So then, Utah. Remember when Republican icon _____ Bennett (let’s check his name in a moment) got tossed out by Mormon Teabaggers during one of those earlier primaries? Well, now we shall settle this battle. Not a word on CNN about this. Bob Bennett cries alone in his garage. Everything on the news is “Oh the dumb redneck general, McAsstyl, who is on a seven-year plane voyage from Afghanistan, he has faxed his resignation,” ha ha as if that will spare his execution in Utah. Speaking of …. MORE »

Some states in our union haven’t learned that runoffs are unnecessary (WE THINK WE HEARD SOMETHING ABOUT THE GUY WITH THE MOST VOTES WINS ONE TIME) and are gay-European, and these states happen to be in very Republican areas of the nation! Results tonight will be COMIN’ IN from the Carolinas, Mississippi, and Utah, as far as your new Jim Newell knows, because he has not done much research for this, his first election liveblog. Will Strom Thurmond be resurrected? Will South Carolina voters just push the button for Alvin Greene in every race on the ballot? Who knows! (Alvin Greene knows, but not the rest of us.) MORE »

RUN-OFF PRIMARY LIVEBLOGGING ALERT: Election “fun” will be had tonight with the results from North Carolina, South Carolina and West Carolina (Utah). Team Wonkette Coverage begins about 8 p.m., when the polls close in the Confederacy. BUY BOOZE NOW BECAUSE IT’S NOT SUNDAY.

What a wacky, wacky twist. “Wait a second, you’re telling me South Carolina’s going to nominate a black instead of the son of the guy who liked to segregate said minority but secretly made babies with his family’s 16-year-old maid who was of that race?” YES, YES, WHAT HAS BECOME OF SOUTH CAROLINA? State legislator Tim Scott is the SC-1 candidate who has captured their hearts, yet he is a black guy? What a very, very quick and amusing twist that only took decades to happen. Of course, it took Scott being a Teabagger extremist and making Paul Thurmond look like a librul sissy in comparison to blind people to the fact that he is black. But then you have to consider that Nikki Haley is also expected to win her nomination for governor, and she is also a minority and a WOMAN, so what is going on? MORE »

• Tony Hayward’s exploding wellhead is not completely perpendicular, which is dangerous and also really gross to think about! [Think Progress]
• Filesharing, you know, “Pirate Bay Kazaa” or whatever, is actually good for Taylor Swift and other hip-hop musical artists. [Matt Yglesias]
• Orlando named a new stretch of asphalt “President Obama Parkway,” and the folks at Reason are furious because: taxes, Obama isn’t even dead yet, Ayn Rand, doesn’t Orlando already have Harry Potter World? [Hit & Run]
• Lloyd Blankfein will not go on Oprah so please stop asking, Matt Taibbi. [Daily Intel]
• Barack Obama was about to murder another fly but then decided not to at the last second because that is what Alfred Nobel would have wanted. [The Caucus]

ATTENTION LIBERAL YOUTHS: The 2010 Campus Progress National Conference will happen July 7-8 at DC’s Omni Shoreham. Your editor will be on the “Make ‘Em Laugh: Promoting Progress Through Comedy” panel along with Baratunde Thurston of The Onion and Cord Jefferson of The Root and Erin Gibson of Info Mania. And then? MORE »

JUDGE BLOCK DEE-WATER DRILLING MORATIORIUM, say the Associated Presses, all grammatical-like. That’s right! Rand Paul 1, Statists 0. U.S. District Judge Martin Feldman in New Orleans decided New Orleans has not had enough trouble. “What we need, folks, is more oil spills up in here,” he probably said, though who knows because BREAKING NEWS. So if you want to drill for stuff, don’t listen to the Interior Department or the President, listen to this judge in Louisiana. Just maybe try to be careful when you’re drilling. There’s a lot of oil about, so it’s kind of hard to see what you’re doing in there. [AP]

Oh, you’ve read a quote from Rand Paul saying the unemployed should stop complaining and get a job already? The Louisville Courier-Journal sees that and raises you a “here’s a whole bunch of quotes of Rand Paul saying crazy things about random government regulations and stuff Republicans hold dearly.” Certainly there are a lot of things in this bargain bin of Rand Paul wisdom. For example, he is against housing discrimination laws because what if there’s a “church, bed-and-breakfast or retirement neighborhood that doesn’t want noisy children”? And he doesn’t really care for the Americans with Disabilities Act, because can’t you just force the disabled to work on the ground floor instead of installing an elevator? But the best stuff is him trying to overcome the slavery of ophthalmologists and saying stuff that will anger Republicans. MORE »

We found a film festival in DC that has nothing to do with a “screen” or a “green” and that focuses on our nation’s current emotional obsession: angst! Nordic angst to be exact. And why wouldn’t you want to see films from Scandinavia that explore this most overdone of topics, especially when they involve Danes in North Korea and only cost $10 each? MORE »

Robert Gibbs is on the teevee reading statements, about Afghanistan! Obama and Karzai had an iChat this morning and it was “very productive.” But what is the president’s reaction to all of these crazy Rolling Stone quotes? Well, says Gibbs, motherfucking Stanley McChrystal will have his skinny traitorous ass hauled before the President tomorrow and will then be executed in Utah, on Twitter. What a weird time. MORE »

TUESDAY FUN LINK: A Saudi cleric issued a fatwa stating that women should let their drivers drink their breast milk so that they’ll all become “family” and the drivers can mix freely with the ladies in private without it being a sex sin. Saudi women say this is “ridiculous and weird” and would prefer to operate their own cars, the harlots. [Gulf News]

Texas’ 22nd district gave America its greatest statesman, Tom DeLay, and then seven glorious weeks of Shelly Dracula Cunt, but since then its representatives have been a little on the dull side. How are we going to fix this? Local Democrats are doing their part; they nominated a lady who is a Lyndon LaRouche devotee, and who wants to colonize Mars and impeach Barack Obama! MORE »

NOW WE CAN ALL BE FRIENDS AGAIN: “Gen. Stanley McChrystal, America’s top commander in Afghanistan, has fired a press aide because of the controversial Rolling Stone article, two defense officials tell CNN.” Every single quote in the Rolling Stone article actually came from that one press aide, who will now be keelhauled, in accordance with military law. [CNN]

Wonkette operative Dan T. was just walking to work at the Capitol (where he is the Queen’s Witchfinder General) when, from a very great and apparently safe distance, he took this picture with his “smart phone.” It shows some LaRouchites protesting Hitler (Queen Elizabeth, third from left, wearing rabbit ears) and promoting a Webisode and BP apparel. Never forget!