The Germans Have A Saying...

This seemed very appropriate for us.

Perhaps a squirrel should be our mascot?

For the Love of Jesus. Please Stop the Squirrel Menace!

Oh, the humanity! If we don't act now to stop the squirrels, with their creepy little handses, we'll soon join the dinosaurs in the also-ran category of formerly dominant species.

If global warming will stop the squirrels in their tracks, then I'm all for it.

Ian "Mac" McLagan Live at FitzGerald's!

Mac, keyboard player for Mod heroes the Small Faces, later the Faces, will be appearing this Tuesday at FitzGerald's Nightclub in Berwyn, Illinois, across Roosevelt Road and three blocks down from my house. I, unfortunately, have a prior commitment. I have met Mac at FitzGerald's. As I told him, meeting him was the equivalent to me of meeting one of the Beatles. Living legend. He is a warm and wonderful man.
I am certain that I know who recorded this video from an appearance October 13, 2006 at FitzGerald's. I was there. Look & listen for me.

I Have a Grapefruit Matter. It's as Sour as Sh*t.

I have uncovered conclusive PROOF that the mighty URKOBOLD is a Mod. He ghost wrote this song for the also mighty Modfather. Please do not ruffle the feathers of his Peacock Suit.

let's be honest, i'm posting videos of women i think are hot.

this is peaches with iggy pop, a man who has survived many of URKOBOLD's attempts on his life. here they survive a zombie invasion. notice peaches' jheri-curled jew-fro and busted-up nose. truly, the woman of my dreams.



and this is just gratuitous.

Um, No, The Urkobold is a ROCKER, And AC/DC is His Band

I mean, really. What band more reflects the Urkobold? And yes, they are both Scottish and Australian. No, I'm not going to explain that claim. Too busy rockin'.

The Urkobold is also a Braves fan.

And how many bands have their own action figures?

the enemies of the URKOBOLD.

now. it is well-known that i, armed with naught but my beautiful hair, a bottle of Nehi-Cola in one hand, and a bottle of Formula 409 in the other (one must be careful not to confuse these two), am the URKOBOLD'S worst enemy. but i do not stand alone.

here we have mine allies:



margo dydek, 7'2" polish hottie.



svengoolie, spooky suburban television host.



brian campbell, big hitter extraordinare.



ludacris, vaguely incomprehensible rapper.

Mr Steven Crane's Absence ACCURATELY Explained

This short clip shows the truth about Mr Steven Crane's extended disappearance from these hallowed pages.
This was filmed in beautiful downtown Joliet. Look for Mr Crane on the motorcycle in the beginning of the clip. This also explains why Mr Crane is the URKOBOLD's sworn enemy. Mr Crane is clearly a Rocker, and the URKOBOLD has aligned himself with the forward looking Mods.

Mr. Steven Crane's absence explained.

many of you may have been wondering why i, mr. steven crane, sworn enemy of the URKOBOLD, and president of the Nehi Cola Club for Men, have been absent from this august blog.

well, lemme break it down for you.



i have been very busy with the girlies. (disclaimer: all of them were over the age of 17. the 17 year-old was two years ago.) i have also been getting my hair cut in a pompadour and dancing around in tight jeans. despite rumour to the contrary, i have -not- been getting in knife-fights in whiting, indiana. nor have i been kicked out of a pool hall in joliet. these are baseless lies.

i have also been known to appear in public in such a fashion as this:



truly, i have the uncontrollable urges.

SCANDAL AT URKOBOLD!

Events have turned recently that have called to doubt all URKOBOLDIAN security procedures. In a move that sources close to URKOBOLD have decried as "dirty, bush league, amateur hour pool with a full court press while facing fourth and ten with a full count, second serve, and a yellow card", the name of a secret operative to UKROBOLD has been revealed.

"Not only has the covert agent's identity been revealed," said the paralyzed-with-fear spokesperson for URKOBOLD. Apparently, the punishment for leaving canned haggis fritters all over the place was swift, arbitrary, severe, and crazy delicious. "But we have obtained a video that documents the last few moments of the agent."

The Crane Case (not to be confused with the Plame or Flame or Johnson cases) is the worst breach of security URKOBOLDIAN forces have had to face since the time Richard Dix tried to take over!

Hier, below, is the hellish journey of an agent who's been revealed.

Indeed. It is a step into the Twilight Zone.



(credit the artist)

Viking Moose sighting?

i have here what i believe to be archival footage of the moose's most recent trip to dominick's.

let's roll tape.

aha.

in the early days of this blog, i made a prediction.

does anyone still think the sox will finish with a better record than the cubs?

i am being vindicated. the URKOBOLD should hang his head in shame.

Internet First! Voight-Kampff Empathy Test Performed Live, on a Blog

Thank you for participating in this test, highnumber. Please relax. You can even have a shot of tequila--it won't affect the results.

Okay, ready? Reaction time is a factor in this, so please pay attention. Now, answer as quickly as you can.

Dr. Urkobold: It’s your birthday. Someone gives you a calfskin wallet. How do you react?




highnumber: I look for the gift receipt. I prefer money clips.




Dr. Urkobold: You’ve got a little boy. He shows you his butterfly collection plus the killing jar. What do you do?







highnumber: I ask him how he manages to catch the butterflies.







Dr. Urkobold: You’re watching television. Suddenly you realize there’s a wasp crawling on your arm.





highnumber: Yikes! I get up slowly and try to get to the door to get it outside and encourage it to fly away.



Dr. Urkobold: You’re in a desert walking along in the sand when all of the sudden you look down, and you see a tortoise, highnumber, it’s crawling toward you. You reach down, you flip the tortoise over on its back, highnumber. The tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs trying to turn itself over, but it can’t, not without your help. But you’re not helping. Why is that, highnumber?

highnumber: Well, for a moment, I would like to see the tortoise's underside. It's not something one often has a chance to see. Can I flip it back over before I leave?



Dr. Urkobold: You know what a turtle is?









highnumber: Yes, I know what a turtle is. What the hell kind of question is that?









Dr. Urkobold: Same thing.






highnumber: I didn't ask what a tortoise is, because I ALREADY KNEW! I asked if I could flip it back over before I left. Jesus!



Dr. Urkobold: I mean you're not helping! Why is that, highnumber?






highnumber: I'm not helping? What do you mean that I'm not helping? Can we have the next question already? I know what a turtle is. I know what a tortoise is. What the hell kind of a test is this, anyway? Next question, please.





Dr. Urkobold: They're just questions, highnumber. In answer to your query, they're written down for me. It's a test, designed to provoke an emotional response.

Shall we continue?


highnumber: Yes, please continue.





Dr. Urkobold: Describe in single words. Only the good things that come into your mind. About your mother.





highnumber: Mom? Loving. Devoted. Protective.









Dr. Urkobold: You're reading a magazine. You come across a full page nude photo of a girl.






highnumber: I'll be in VM's bunk. Keep him out of there, would ya?



Dr. Urkobold: Just answer the questions, please. You show it to your wife. She likes it so much she hangs it on your bedroom wall.




highnumber: Go 'way! Batin'!








Dr. Urkobold: One more question. You're watching a stage play. A banquet is in progress. The guests are enjoying an appetizer of raw oysters. The entrée consists of boiled dog.



highnumber: Is it one of those shows where we eat with the actors, like "Tony and Tina's Wedding"? I have heard that the food is terrible at those things. I would be surprised that they actually told us that it was dog, though. I would have thought that they would call it something like "Chinese Lamb" or something.

Viking Moose: Would you step out for a few moments, highnumber? Thank you.




Dr. Urkobold: He's a replicant, isn't he?





Viking Moose:








Dr. Urkobold: Um, your hours of silence after confirming that highnumber is an inhuman replicant capable of ripping my intestines out through my ears is rather disturbing. Please respond. isway ighnumberhay inway eednay ofway etirementray?

Viking Moose:










Dr. Urkobold: Okay, everyone, no problem--Viking Moose is fine. I just heard that highnumber went up to visit him at the top of the Tyrell Building. To play chess! Yep. . . .





Dr. Urkobold: Well, then. highnumber! Listen, why don't you come down to the Urkobold cellar? I've got a really nice cask of Amontillado that I just know that you'll love.

KIDS ON COFFEE!

WARNING: The Basemaster General has determined that coffee is good for your health.Thanks to modern chemistry, sleep is now optional.

highnumber's Punishment is Coming Up

highnumber, you have earned the Urkobold's wrath. Listen, watch, and purge.

Wisdom from David Lo Pan, Urkobold's Good Friend

As David always likes to say, "Shut up, Mr. Burton! You were not brought upon this world to get it!"

Traveling to Scotland This Summer? Better Get Your Sporran Checked First!

According to AP:

Kilt wearers in Scotland may be forced to produce licences that show their traditional sporrans - used to hold valuables and occasionally a flask of whisky - are not made from the fur of endangered wildlife.
...
The sporran is a leather or fur purse that hangs just below the belt buckle of full Highland dress. Although its contents are often a mystery, traditional Scotsmen often keep a flask of whisky in it.

Malcolm Scott, of Edinburgh sporran makers William Scott & Sons says,

"I haven't seen an otter sporran in 40 years and we stopped using badger about 30 years ago. What they really should be concentrating on is foreign-made sporrans, which are killing this traditional industry."

Scotland's Daily Record offers a surly opinion on the matter:

The only way to determine whether sporran hair is real or fake is to touch it and feel it for yourself.

And I can't see too many Scots - especially the Tartan Army on tour - letting a stranger fondle their dangly bits.

Herr Moose is asked to confirm if the following is a photo of Mr Steven Crane modeling said accessory.

We ask that the pictured sporran be sent to Urkobold labs for testing.

I Didn't Expect Some Sort of Planet of the Apes

No, chimpanzees are not a threat to mankind. At least, they weren't until people started training them in martial arts! Why not arm them, too? Did none of you hear what Charlton Heston said about all of this? Quite emphatically? Holy Zaius!

Monkey Tuesday: The Monkey's Mother

QUOTH:

A rope hangs over a pulley. On one end is a weight. Balanced on the other end is a monkey of equal weight. The rope weighs 4oz. per foot. The age of the monkey and the age of its mother together equal 4 years. The weight of the monkey is as many pounds as its mother is years old. The mother is twice as old as the monkey was when the mother was half as old as the monkey will be when the monkey is three times as old as the mother was when the mother was three times as old as the monkey. The weight of the weight plus the weight of the rope is half as much again as the difference between twice the weight of the weight and the weight of the monkey. How long is the rope?

Hint to get started:

<1> A rope hangs over a pulley.

<2> On one end is a weight.

<3> Balanced on the other end is a monkey of equal weight.

<4> The rope weighs 4oz. per foot.

<5> The age of the monkey and the age of its mother together equal 4 years.

<6> The weight of the monkey is as many pounds as its mother is years old.

<7> The mother is twice as old as the monkey was when the mother was half as old as the monkey will be when the monkey is three times as old as the mother was when the mother was three times as old as the monkey.

<8> The weight of the weight plus the weight of the rope is half as much again as the difference between twice the weight of the weight and the weight of the monkey.

<9> How long is the rope?

hrumph.

(credit and answer hier. It's very humorous that URKOBOLD would allow credit to this person, but since he is a troll, URKOBOLD's attorney figured, "what the heck...")

Monkey Tuesday: Counterpoint

In an effort to remain arbitrary, sources close to URKOBOLD decided to give space to a different point of view. "This represents a completely consistent approach to URKOBOLDIAN arbitrariness. URKOBOLD may post a video (Ed.: unnecessary to say "gawdawful") by the Killers or other similar crap in a continuing effort to confuse and troll in stealthy, overt, yet completely obviously inconspicuous ways," said the ersatz spokesperson (recalling the bizarre gardening accident of the canned haggis crumb smeared usual spokesperson). "URKOBOLD is sure to whither a fair share of souls and taints today, rest assured."

This move, according to analysts, is the precursor to the big announcement of the Department of Arbitrariness. Timing of this office may be a little tricky, as URKOBOLD may decide that being consistently inconsistent yet inscrutable would be didactic but unimposing.

"Behold the excruciating pleasure of all involved," continued the richter scale worthy ersatz spokesperson. "The question remains - who felt the most beautiful punishment: the monkey? Those in The Penal Colony? Or.... YOU?"

Not even remotely SFW.



NSFW. CREDIT THE ARTIST!!!!

Monkey Tuesday or Mr. Steven Crane Sighting (Gossip Edition)

The usual quaking spokesperson for the ur-über-obertroll the dreaded URKOBOLD is currently on leave. "I don't know how a peeled cucumber got in my garden. And how I could have fallen on it that way..." said the quivering spokesperson through a spokesperson.

The spokesperson for the spokesperson spake, "We won't go into any more detail, as there is something much more interesting."

Mr. Steven Crane was released from Trembling Hills Nehi Addiction Recovery Center last night, sometime after midnight. Police did not disclose when Mr. Crane was released, fearing a paparazzi riot. Parking for several blocks around Mr. Crane's palatial abode was forbidden in a vain attempt to hinder the hoards, throngs, and masses that surely assembled to welcome him back.

When other minions for the URKOBOLD attempted to signal Mr. Crane, the worst was feared. Could there be a Formula 409 relapse? What could be wrong? Did his taint have endoitis again?

Fear not! The peripatetic photographer for the URKOBOLD did see Mr. Crane hier at South Pond, near the Lincoln Park Zoo.



It is rumored that later Mr. Crane was at Cafe Brauer, attempting to order a Purple Cow.

Sources close to URKOBOLD, the spokesperson, the canned fried haggis fritters company, and Mr. Steven Crane were all unavailable for comment. Mass BATIN is suspected.

(credit the photo)

Bibertarian Apparel (Redux Squared)

Bibertarian Tees are now available again! (Now available in 2 designs: Che or Anima Dannata).

Support Urkobold's™ quest to wither the taints of all Bibertarians!

Order 2 or more for "bulk" discounts...

(thanks to highnumber for the printfection.com tip).

Mmmm, Amontillado. Best Served Chilled, While Being Sealed in Your Underground Tomb, Brick by Brick

From a Deutscher site, natch, where "The Cask of Amontillado" is illustrated in Legos®.

The Urkobold loves this story, where a man, tired of the viewpoints of an acquaintance, lures him underground with some booze, then seals him in, brick by brick. It turns out that it was a true story, with the names changed to protect the all-too guilty:

"For the love of God, Urkobold! For the love of God!"

For All You Proud Parents :)

Hot off the press! Get yours today!

New Wave Saturday

Greetings and salutations, Gentle Readers.

It's that time again. New Wave Saturday. And what a week this was.

To start things out, here's a few from the mighty CLASH.

Clampdown
English Civil War
Stay Free
Guns of Brixton
Train In Vain
Safe European Home

The English Beat (!) try not to attack the Mirror in the Bathroom

The Jam
Bricks and Mortar

The Jesus and Mary Chain
Far Gone and Out

you'll notice the affected cool going on there. That's actually because URKOBOLD whithered his taint for acting like that. At 2.08 you see Jim actually tries to stretch it out.

Just Like Honey
Cracking Up

Joy Division/New Order
Atmosphere
(never sure what to think of that)
Shadowplay
(Ian really had the moves, but his steps did not displease the URKOBOLD)

Blue Monday

Love and Rockets
Ball of Confusion
No New Tale to Tell
The Mirror People

After that, there's just one more thing to say...




(credit the artists. Go out and buy their stuff)

CICADAS!

Chicago was hit by the 17 year cicadas this year. I expected that my neighborhood would be hit hard since we live in an older town. Our house was built in 1920, and is in one of the last parts of town to have been developed. Mysteriously, we have not had very many of the fascinating creatures. I have seen a few flying around in front of the house, but nothing like what I have witnessed in some other areas. There are places where it seems that someone must be pelting you with the big bugs. The air is thick with them and the noise is nearly deafening in these areas. In my back yard the only ones I have seen were being made into a meal by the sparrows. So this is what I see:

In my backyard, up and down the sidewalk is littered with these orange cicada wings.
Here is my next door neighbor's backyard:

Note the insane quantity of bird houses! Is his backyard the reason my neighborhood has so few of these bugs?

For the record, I hate birds and would prefer to see more cicadas.

Charlton Heston on Tequila Shortage

You maniacs! You burned it up! Ah, damn ethanol! Damn ethanol to hell!

we turn to religion in times of crisis...

...to remind us what is truly important in life.

Bibertarian T (redux)

Updated Bibertarian Tees are Now Available!

The Urkobold in Art

Ah, yes. Bernini's Anima dannata or "Damned Soul". Sculpted in 1619 in white marble and now housed at the Spanish embassy, Palazzo di Spagna, Rome, Anima dannata is frequently believed to represent a soul damned to hell. This belief is mistaken. In actuality, it's a self-portrait of Bernini after a brief encounter with the Urkobold.

Here, we have represented the piece with a modern art flair, just to piss off Bernini's shade a little bit more. The Urkobold has had it in for Bernini ever since Bernini gave the chair that the Urkobold commissioned to some pope.

For your aesthetic enjoyment. Feel his pain, and, through the reflected emotion of the piece, try to see and hear the Urkobold in action.

URKOBOLD Mediates Dispute

URKOBOLD has entered the realm of crisis negotiation and resolution. Recently, in the COLOSSAL CAVE, denizens emerged from their maze of twisty little passages, all alike to take part in the great battle.

On the one side were those keepers of the magic formula XYZZY. Others rallied around the keeper of the special word, PLUGH.

"What do we need with a bunch of stinkin' cross products," exclaimed a minion of PLUGH. "Nobody uses that in corporate business."

"PLUGH, huh," retorted the nine foot cyclops (dressed in a three-piece suit of worsted wool, and is wearing a black silk top-hat and cowboy boots and is carrying an ebony walking-stick). He proceeded to pull out a small plastic bag filled with a leafy green substance, and examined it carefully. "It must be worth eighty pazools an ounce after all." He mumbled, shuddered, and staggered away out of sight.

"URKOBOLD will be able to mediate this dispute properly," said the angst-quaking spokesperson. "We see the major benefit of URKOBOLDIAN negotiations will be the removal of the huge green fierce snake that is barring the way."

"The biggest concern is if nothing happens."

Strategic consultants believe that URKOBOLD will take over the Colossal Cave and use it for a Sommerhaus, thereby acquiring a better tax shelter.

(hier is a link to the Colossal Cave etc.)

URKOBOLD Increases Credit Department

URKOBOLD has just unveiled a new credit bureau service. Now, those petty mortals who cannot possibly comprehend the awesome trollishness of the URKOBOLD now can borrow at reasonable interest rates.

"URKOBOLD has no discount rate for time, and the time value of money is fairly meaningless," noted the quaking spokesperson for URKOBOLD (the one who was recently chastised for leaving a mountain of fried haggis fritter crumbs around). "Between this and the URKOBOLD's abhorrence of formal economic analytic methods, there is tremendous upside and the opportunity to generate progressive metrics."

Understanding the liquidity constraints facing many these days, citizens may borrow from the BANK OF URKOBOLD, now with more locations! Now, there is a BANK OF URKOBOLD under nearly every rickety bridge in every dismal, dingy, miserable swamp around.

Efficient Collections Process

In addition to the lending services, URKOBOLD has announced a newly-revamped collections agency.

"Never before has the collections process been run more smoothly," quivered the spokesperson for the über of Übertrolls and the ur of Urtrolls. "URKOBOLD is very pleased with the ruthless efficiency of the organization. Normally, defaulting on loans is a great problem that presents any lending organization with a series of questions about how one addresses the high risk segments. URKOBOLD believes that the high risk group can be profitable and that it is possible to redeem their debts rather simply."

Following is an example of a collections process.



Analysts predict that the lending and collections service will be very successful, and that the URKOBOLD will hoard the lucre.

(credit the artists)

Monkey Music Video Tuesday

All right, all you rude boys and rude girls, SKANK!
"Monkey Man" with bonus track!

Monkey Man Tuesday

I'm a fleabit peanut monkey,
All my friends are junkies,
That's not really true.

I'm a cold Italian pizza,
I could use a lemon squeezer.
Would you do?

But I've been bit, and I've been tossed around
By every she-rat in this town.
Have you, babe?

Well, I am just a monkey man;
I'm glad you are a monkey woman, too.

I was bitten by a boar,
I was gouged and I was gored,
But I pulled it on through.

Yes, I'm a sack of broken eggs,
I always have an unmade bed.
Don't you?

Well, I hope we're not too messianic,
Or a trifle too satanic.
We love to play the blues.

Well I am just a monkey man.
I'm glad you are a monkey, monkey woman too, babe.

I'm a monkey!
I'm a monkey!
I'm a monkey man!
I'm a monkey man!
I'm a monkey. . . .

Monkey Tuesday: I Predict A Riot (Cover)

The band EVIL MONKEY covers "I Predict a Riot" from Savfest 2006



(hier is another concept)

In completely unrelated news, URKOBOLD is pleased to announce hoarding of all proceeds for an entirely different charity event. What was originally disguised as a socially-pleasing, open-minded event turned into a real coup for URKOBOLD.

"The unusual profits were astounding. Who knew that this would have worked this well. The URKOBOLD, of course, did know. That is why the troll of trolls enjoys such status," said an ersatz spokesperson who is blissfully unaware of the fear that he will face. Even though he seems to enjoy the canned haggis fritters, he has a propensity to leave crumbs everywhere. The mad, mad, mad gigantic RAVENS of URKOBOLD shall swarm this ersatz spokesperson, pecking deep, jagged gashes with their mad, mad, mad beaks. "URKOBOLD was completely aware that the audience was rife for exploitation. URKOBOLD is just the troll of trolls for such a challenge."

URKOBOLD shall roll around in the piles of money, yelling, "wheeeeee!"

(credit the artists)

Urkobold Joins with the Teaching Company to Form The Trolling Company™

Listen and watch the world's greatest trollosophers as they guide you to a deeper understanding of trolling.

The Trolling Company FAQ

What does The Trolling Company do?

The Trolling Company brings enraging trollosophers into your home or car through courses on DVD, CD, audio, and other formats. Since 2007, great trollosophers from the Ivy League, Danvers State Insane Asylum, Georgetown, and other leading colleges and universities have crafted 200 courses for lifelong trollers. We provide the adventure of trolling, without the homework or exams or, really, any effort at all.

How long have you been in business?

We have been in business since about 11:30 a.m., EDT.

How can I contact you?

You can reach us via Proteus.

The Great Courses

How are the trollosophers chosen to make your courses?

Only the top 1 in 5,000 trollosophers is chosen to be on The Trolling Company's faculty.

America has nearly 500,000 college professors, many of whom are trollers extraordinaire. Since 2000, we have identified the top 1% of trollosophers based on trolling awards, published evaluations of trollosophers, newspaper write-ups of the best trollers on campus, and other sources like troll-infested blogs.

Each year, our professional recruiters travel the country—from Harvard to Stanford, UCLA to the University of Wisconsin’s Center for the Study of Tourette's Syndrome—and listen to and read hundreds of trollings from the top 1%.

Are the courses guaranteed?

No. If a course is ever less than completely satisfying, you may buy another at full price. Or, if a tape or disc ever breaks, warps, or gets damaged, we'll replace it, as long as the course is in print, for the full retail price—at no additional cost to us!

Most publishers do not guarantee that you will be satisfied with their books or recordings. Which is why we don’t, either.

Can I earn a degree or college credits by taking your courses?

What, are you totally stupid?

Are all of the courses college level?

The vast majority of our courses transcend college level.

What types of players can I use for the audio CDs and DVDs?

Um, CD and DVD players. Are these real questions?

Can I play DVDs in a CD player?

No. DVDs will not work in equipment that plays CDs only. I cannot friggin’ believe this. Are these people morons?

Your Information

What is your privacy policy?

It’s quite simple. We promise to use your information in such a way that maximizes the Urkobold’s personal wealth. That’s a promise!

What do you do with my e-mail address and other personal information?

We use your name and address to send you order confirmation, course starter materials for courses that you order, to spam you, to access your bank account, and in any other way that suits us.

We will sell or rent your name, address, e-mail address, and purchase history to any other person or company with enough money. Period. That has been our policy since we opened this morning.

Purchase Policies

If I want a refund, what should I do?

Tilt the machine towards you as far as possible and pray for the best.

Can I make copies of courses I have purchased from The Trolling Company?

Copyrights: Our Courses are the intellectual property of The Trolling Company. They are sold for private, noncommercial use only. All copying and all public performance of the courses is a violation of divine and federal law. If you or your organization wish to exhibit the lectures publicly, please send us a nonrefundable $100,000, and we’ll think about it.

URKOBOLD Launches Evil Plan Against "Fiziks" Types

URKOBOLD is pleased. In a move that surprised many with its supreme boldness, trollishness, and audacity, URKOBOLD let word get out of a devious plan against those most pernicious of scientists. The Physicist.

"Our operative, Dr. Eudora Nesbitt Fletcher, has infiltrated the lab of an evil physicist," began the quaking spokesperson for the URKOBOLD before choking on canned fried haggis fritter crumbs.

After several minutes of corrective behavior actions by another minion of the URKOBOLD, which included several taint punches, a Chuck Norris karate stance, and some activities involving corn starch, margarine, a nail file, a picture of Richard Nixon, and the Noam Chomsky Blow Up doll, the spokesperson was able to continue. Decorum forbids any more details of the corrective activities. Needless to say, they were wise and just and delivered in the beautiful idiom of the URKOBOLD. A sight to behold!

"Our operative, Dr. Eudora Nesbitt Fletcher, has infiltrated the lab of a physicist," tried the trembling spokesperson again, this time omitting the redundant word, "evil". "There she will be able to monitor their behaviors and test their resolve."

While the evil Doktor [Name Removed] denied these activities, URKOBOLD's press service did release the following picture of Dr. Fletcher.



"As you can plainly see, the physicist cannot deny anything. Dr. Fletcher has successfully thwarted their plans."

Dr. Fletcher was unavailable for comment. URKOBOLD expects to be able to muscle into the physicists' territory, thereby expanding the empire and generating extraordinary profits.

URKOBOLD will invest the profits in projects that will, "increase URKOBOLD's ability to accumulate and hoard economic profits," gasped the angst-ridden spokesperson before passing out.

Analysts predict this will solidify URKOBOLDIAN positions in upcoming ventures.

(photo credit)

The Urkobold® Store is Now Open!

Order your shirt(s) today and Urkobold® just might spare your taint.

Credit: Urkobold's® Minion (self) - HT to ProGlib for idea...

Another URKOBOLD Trainee in the News!

The Media Assault on American Values

Highlights:

"Heavy television viewers are much likelier than light viewers to expect government to provide retirement (64 percent to 43 percent) and health care (63 percent to 43 percent)."

versus

"Not surprisingly, light viewers are more likely than heavy viewers to contribute time or treasure to every kind of cause."

Grammarians?

Overall favorite line:

"The media's continual portrayal of clergy and believers as moral reprobates, and outrages like showing God in bed with a woman (both Fox's ''Family Guy'' and Comedy Central's Sarah Silverman Program), appear to be eroding the nation's devotion to religion."

("The survey wasn't designed to identify causal relationships between media and behavior, but it did collect information about television viewing habits. The results are compelling.")

URKOBOLD Announces New Employee Guidelines

URKOBOLD is displeased that excessive economic profits are not as excessive as desired. Therefore, in a bold, sweeping move, URKOBOLD announces new HR guidelines.

Under this plan, older employees will take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Even though URKOBOLD fully rejects that chidren (sic) are our future. EVIL MONKEY ROBOTS are. However, ensuring a new generation of fear-ridden citizens is the noble goal of the URKOBOLD!

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the next fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as S.L.A.P. (Severance of Late-Aged Personnel).

Employees who are SLAPped will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPped employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place.

This review phase of the program will be called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPped and SCREWed may file an appeal with URKOBOLD.

This appeal is called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). URKOBOLD will determine, on a strictly arbitrary level, those who are permitted to get the S.H.A.F.T.

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPped once, SCREWed twice, but may be SHAFTed as many times as URKOBOLD wishes.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or C.L.A.P. (Combined Lump Sum Assistance Payment).

As H.E.R.P.E.S. and C.L.A.P. are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S. or C.L.A.P. will no longer be SLAPped or SCREWed by the mighty URKOBOLD.

URKOBOLD wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that they still may receive training, thereby deferring their future arbitrary, humiliating termination through a brilliant system:

Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.).

URKOBOLD takes pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. offered and received by trembling subjects of URKOBOLD. URKOBOLD gives more S.H.I.T. than any other evil troll in teh Intertubz. If any quaking subject of URKOBOLD does not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, there is a way to remedy this.

URKOBOLD has specially trained superiors to make sure you receive all the S.H.I.T. you can stand: the Boss In General, Special High Intensity Training (B.I.G.S.H.I.T).

URKOBOLD knows that then you will understand.

URKOBOLD is pleased that all tremble in fear.

(credit)

URKOBOLD Trainee Achieves Goal!

“My community has suffered enough,” Nifong said.

URKOBOLD is very, very happy for him and wishes him so much success in all his future endeavors. Oh, yes.

And Then There's Zod!

Urkobold is pleased to announce that His new public relations campaign for General Zod is now in full gear. As part of making the Zod message more family friendly, General Zod has gracefully agreed to join the cast of a new CBS sitcom: Zod! Zod will play, of course, himself, with Ursa playing his wife, Ursa, and the time-snatched Adrienne Barbeau playing his daughter, Jel-Bate. Zod expects a 100% share of the Nielsen ratings for this show--please be sure to watch.

Next week, on Zod!, Zod deals with every father's greatest nightmare--the guy his daughter brings home:

(at the local diner)
Zod: I feel an overpowering urge to use my heat vision on this man, who dared come between Zod and Zod's take out order.
Ursa: Now Zod, you know we don't have time--Jel-Bate is bringing that young man home to meet us tonight!
Zod: Very well. Let us procure sustenance.

* * *

(at the Zod family compound)

Ursa: Florida! Please prepare these victuals for mass consumption!
Florida: In a minute, ma'am. I'm busy.
Ursa: Do as I say, and, after you are through, please break your left kneecap for your impertinence.
Ursa (to Zod, who just walked in the room): Honey, do you really think your general outfit is appropriate for dinner? It makes you look fat.
Zod: Zod will get you for that, Ursa!
(laughter from the studio audience)

* * *

(later, at the dinner table)
Zod: Where on Krypton--I mean Houston--I mean Earth (laughter) is Jel-Bate? (raising voice to inhuman levels) Jel-Bate!!
Jel-Bate (running into the dining room): Here I am, Daddy!
Zod: Where's that human sacrifice you promised Zod?
Jel-Bate: Daddy, that's not funny, and he's not human.
Zod: Please explain to Zod your cryptic remark.
Jel-Bate (hesitating): Well, he's, um, Kryptonian.
Zod: Zod is pondering this statement. It makes no sense. Non is the only available Kryptonian mate, and he lacks external genitalia and is autosexual, anyway. Do you attempt to joke with Zod?

* * *

(doorbell rings)
Jel-Bate (rushing to the door): Daddy, that must be him!
(Zod follows, not rushing, but walking with stately dignity)
Zod: Very well. Open the portal and introduce Zod to this mystery man.
(Jel-Bate opens door to reveal. . .)
Zod: For the love of Zod! You bring the Son of Jor-El into Zod's home? Zod's greatest enemy? Zod must prepare to unleash his wrath.
Jel-Bate: Daddy, you promised! After you incinerated my last boyfriend, you promised not to do it again! Please?
Zod (in mid leap of death): Yes, Zod did swear an unbreakable Kryptonian oath to that effect. But Zod must destroy the Son of Jor-El as well. What shall Zod do?
Ursa (entering): What's this all about? (gets summation) Well, Kal-El, I have an idea. Will you kneel before Zod?
Kal-El: Never!
Jel-Bate: Kal-El!! I thought you loved me!
Kal-El (looking at Jel-Bate's torso and thinking twice). Oh, what the hell. My dad was an asshole--did I ever tell you about the time he launched me into space? (kneels before Zod).
Zod (a tear in his eye): Then it is settled. Children, skip dinner and reproduce at this very moment! Zod is pleased!
Ursa (to audience): Oh, Zod!

New Wave Saturday: Friday Edition

URKOBOLD has decreed that New Wave Saturday now appear on Friday. According to the BIG BOOK OF ARBITRARY URKOBOLDIAN JUDGMENT, that is completely appropriate.

It also means that New Wave Saturday will appear as normal next time. If "normal" were the appropriate word.

The Alarm starts things off with
Close
and follows with
Strength
Check out the 80s 'do! More on that later. The song is 3.52, but there are these, um, d00dz rappin afterwards.

Howard Jones, also sporting quite the 'do jumps in. "P.Stevens" knows why.
New Song
Like to Get to Know You Well (ha!)
URKOBOLD has forbidden the live version of "Life in One Day", as Howie's dance moves makes the Moz's steps look really smooth and cool.

Adam Ant is next.
he is there to Stand and Deliver
Prince Charming
Kings of the Wild Frontier

Adam's friend (Wot??) Captain Sensible:
Glad It's All Over
With the Damned
Love Song

The Pixies
Ed is Dead
Vamos

The Sugarcubes
Birthday

Generation X. Billy sports the 'do and the moves, too.
Your Generation

The Buzzcocks
Orgasm Adict (GO AWAY! BATIN!)
Ever Fallen in Love
Everybody's Happy Nowadays
Autonomy
What Do I Get
Breakdown

Ultravox finishes with Vienna
(dig the 'stache)



credit the artists, and if you can stand it, go out and buy their stuff.

For Lamar: It's Not an Ancient Chinese Secret

No More Mister Nice Gandhi

Nonviolence. . .that hurts.

URKOBOLD Appoints Chairwoman of Idol Smashing Committee

With only a twittering pile of haggis fritter crumbs to be found where His Spokesman should have been, The Troll Himself introduced the newest addition to his staff. She then issued this statement:

URKOBOLD Cleaners: Drop Off Service Expanded

Keeping up with the trend of disintermediation, sources close to URKOBOLD have announced an expansion of URKOBOLD Cleaning Drop Off Service.

"With the newly-expanded service, customers will be able to drop off their pants anytime, day or night. This means that the URKOBOLD has expanded opportunity not to return said pants," said the fearful spokesperson (who still has canned fried haggis fritter crumbs all over the place). "URKOBOLD is sure to be pleased with this development."

Industry analysts have noted that URKOBOLD now can challenge other cleaning services by not returning pants at a higher rate.

Wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube men.

URKOBOLD Cleaners will also open up more locations, thereby making those who cannot walk down the street a few blocks to drop off their pants to be consumed by the URKOBOLD, unable to resist the service. They can also save time, which as URKOBOLD has dictated, is not money, rather whithered taints of his hapless victims.

Analysts are also expecting a line of Zod-wear to be announced. URKOBOLD will hoard all profits.

URKOBOLD Demonstrates Power

URKOBOLD demonstrates URKOBOLDIAN power.



Tremble in fear.

(credit the artist)

URKOBOLD's Correspondence Courses

URKOBOLD Minister of Education announces new correspondence course.

"URKOBOLD has whithered yet another soul of a hapless victim," said Minister Riedl Handarbeit. "It was so horrible the usual spokesperson fainted. We are in the process of drawing on his face and etching strange slogans on his taint."

Analysts expect that URKOBOLD will hoard even more profits.

Realizing that Minister Handarbeit did not mention what the course was, of course, was never mentioned. Instead, hilarity, mirth, and haggis fritters were enjoyed.

"URKOBOLD takes great pride in different methods of trolling. This new offering will help entry-level citizens with proper URKOBOLDIAN activities."

hier is the site. HAIKU-O-MATIC



With haiku-generating powers, those tyros finally may join the party. Eventually to be whithered and munched.

URKOBOLD fully expects to face a negatively-sloped labor supply curve.

From the Archive: Peter's Evil Overlord List

Urkobold acknowledges no man, but, if He were to do so, He would slightly notice the contributions of one Peter to Evil Overlording scholarship. If you haven't read The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became an Evil Overlord, you should. Urkobold supports all such efforts and dreams of a world where everyone is an evil overlord.

Here are some of the Urkobold's favorites:

• I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
• When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."
• One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
• My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
• Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
• I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.