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I (34M) Would Prefer My Girlfriend (32F) To Distance Herself From Her Ex. I’d Prefer Zero Contact Given They Hooked Up For Years. How Do I Address With Empathy/Respect? by asparagus_fern in Advice

[–]asparagus_fern[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Talking to her soon and will report back. Thanks!

Her past is fine with me and I don’t feel like I need to know all details.

There is indeed a hint of lingering feelings from her ex.

I (34M) Would Prefer My Girlfriend (32F) To Distance Herself From Her Ex. I’d Prefer Zero Contact Given They Hooked Up For Years. How Do I Address With Empathy/Respect? by asparagus_fern in Advice

[–]asparagus_fern[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I’m not making any specific requests, only highlighting how I feel and how I feel as though the ex context is detrimental to our relationship.

I (34M) Would Prefer My Girlfriend (32F) To Distance Herself From Her Ex. I’d Prefer Zero Contact Given They Hooked Up For Years. How Do I Address With Empathy/Respect? by asparagus_fern in Advice

[–]asparagus_fern[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Appreciate this but as the partner I have a right to highlight how I feel and hope for compromise. I’d
Never behave in a way that’d make my partner uncomfortable.

AITAH Bothered That Girlfriend Is Too Close With Her Ex, Would Prefer Distance by asparagus_fern in AITAH

[–]asparagus_fern[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Would love more info here, thanks.

I (34M) Would Prefer My Girlfriend (32F) To Distance Herself From Her Ex. I’d Prefer Zero Contact Given They Hooked Up For Years. How Do I Address With Empathy/Respect? by asparagus_fern in Advice

[–]asparagus_fern[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Have mentioned this to my therapist numerous times and feel as though I have a right to be bothered and prefer ex sexual partners to be managed a certain way. Her ex would make a love the second he could and she could not easily assure me that they wouldn’t hook up again.

I (34M) Would Prefer My Girlfriend (32F) To Distance Herself From Her Ex. I’d Prefer Zero Contact Given They Hooked Up For Years. How Do I Address With Empathy/Respect? by asparagus_fern in Advice

[–]asparagus_fern[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Will report back. Thanks.

I (34M) Would Prefer My Girlfriend (32F) To Distance Herself From Her Ex. I’d Prefer Zero Contact Given They Hooked Up For Years. How Do I Address With Empathy/Respect? by asparagus_fern in Advice

[–]asparagus_fern[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I want to make this request but given their long sexual history and the fact that she wasn’t able to easily assure me that they wouldn’t hook up again, a large part of me thinks zero contact would be best. Open to additional input and I could be wrong. I won’t be making any specific requests , only laying all of this out on the table and letting her come back with what she’d like to do.

I (34M) Would Prefer My Girlfriend (32F) To Distance Herself From Her Ex. I’d Prefer Zero Contact Given They Hooked Up For Years. How Do I Address With Empathy/Respect? by asparagus_fern in Advice

[–]asparagus_fern[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, was hoping she’d catch on to my comments but still continues to know my preferences but ignore them.

I (34M) Would Prefer My Girlfriend (32F) To Distance Herself From Her Ex. I’d Prefer Zero Contact Given They Hooked Up For Years. How Do I Address With Empathy/Respect? by asparagus_fern in Advice

[–]asparagus_fern[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Would love to hear more thought around this, thanks

I (34M) Would Prefer My Girlfriend (32F) To Distance Herself From Her Ex. I’d Prefer Zero Contact Given They Hooked Up For Years. How Do I Address With Empathy/Respect? by asparagus_fern in Advice

[–]asparagus_fern[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Appreciate the long response here. I am not making any specific requests, only telling her how I feel and how her ex contact has been detrimental to our relationship.

I’ve got plenty of examples of her ex contact having a negative effect on our relationship.

Then I’ll ask that she processes at her own pace and comes back to me with what she thinks would be reasonable. At that time I’ll process and make sure I handle things with as much grace as I can.

Her relationship with her ex does not come off as platonic if she can’t even tell me that they would not hook up again. That’s more than friends.

I (34M) Would Prefer My Girlfriend (32F) To Distance Herself From Her Ex. I’d Prefer Zero Contact Given They Hooked Up For Years. How Do I Address With Empathy/Respect? by asparagus_fern in Advice

[–]asparagus_fern[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

How is this insecure? I’m conservative with past former sexual partners, especially ones with years of history. I’m dating for marriage and children, how does involvement with this ex make sense and fit into that at all? He’d try to make a move the second she were to become single. Does that sound like a platonic friendship? Don’t think so.

I (34M) Would Prefer My Girlfriend (32F) To Distance Herself From Her Ex. I’d Prefer Zero Contact Given They Hooked Up For Years. How Do I Address With Empathy/Respect? by asparagus_fern in Advice

[–]asparagus_fern[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Very helpful! I’m laying it all out on the table and letting her come back with what she thinks is reasonable at her own pace.

One thought on the values here, though, is that I do wonder if her values around sex and casual hooking up are aligned with mine. She’s hooked up much more than me and not sure how to factor this in. Her previous hookup behavior kind of further proves my point that no contact with former sexual partners would make me the more comfortable no matter how much I trust here.

She’s already told me that she’s happy to distance herself from her ex which I know will be hard for her. That said, if it’s too hard for her then perhaps that indicates some level of lingering feelings / lack of closure with her ex?

I (34M) Would Prefer My Girlfriend (32F) To Distance Herself From Her Ex. I’d Prefer Zero Contact Given They Hooked Up For Years. How Do I Address With Empathy/Respect? by asparagus_fern in Advice

[–]asparagus_fern[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Yes. My plan is to lay out how I believe her ex contact has been determinants to our relationship and how it’s affected me negatively, especially after hearing how she could not assure me that they’d never hook up again, and then let her come back with what she thinks is reasonable at her own pace.

I do know she’s fully committed to me and would never do something while we’re together.

The potential of them hooking up again is kind of the nail in the coffin for me, does that make sense?

How can I avoid looking jealous and untrusting and instead just communicate my feelings?

I (34M) Would Prefer My Girlfriend (32F) To Distance Herself From Her Ex. I’d Prefer Zero Contact Given They Hooked Up For Years. How Do I Address With Empathy/Respect? by asparagus_fern in Advice

[–]asparagus_fern[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Part of me does want zero ex contact with her ex given their history and her inability to assure me they would not hook up again. I don’t want to come off as jealous because I am not. This ex is basically a young kid simply cannot give my girlfriend what she’s looking for.

It comes down to whether or not it’s necessary for him to be in the picture at all.

Any other input is appreciated!

I (34M) Would Prefer My Girlfriend (32F) To Distance Herself From Her Ex. I’d Prefer Zero Contact Given They Hooked Up For Years. How Do I Address With Empathy/Respect? by asparagus_fern in Advice

[–]asparagus_fern[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If I believe her ex contact has been detrimental to our relationship and if I know her ex would make a move if given the chance, then how does it make sense to continue keeping him in the picture at all? I’d avoid causing any ex discomfort every time.

I (34M) Would Prefer My Girlfriend (32F) To Distance Herself From Her Ex. I’d Prefer Zero Contact Given They Hooked Up For Years. How Do I Address With Empathy/Respect? by asparagus_fern in Advice

[–]asparagus_fern[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m laying out how I feel and letting her come back with what she feels is reasonable.

I (34M) Would Prefer My Girlfriend (32F) To Distance Herself From Her Ex. I’d Prefer Zero Contact Given They Hooked Up For Years. How Do I Address With Empathy/Respect? by asparagus_fern in Advice

[–]asparagus_fern[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

One issue here is that I’m not entirely sure what I want, part of me wants her to keep in loose contact with her ex and another part of me thinks zero contact would be best and give her closure she may need.

I (34M) Would Prefer My Girlfriend (32F) To Distance Herself From Her Ex. I’d Prefer Zero Contact Given They Hooked Up For Years. How Do I Address With Empathy/Respect? by asparagus_fern in Advice

[–]asparagus_fern[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Very helpful perspective, my plan is to simply and calmly highlight how I feel and how I believe this contact has been detrimental to our relationship m, then let her get back to me with what she believes would be reasonable.

How else can I avoid coming off as insecure?

I (34M) Would Prefer My Girlfriend (32F) To Distance Herself From Her Ex. I’d Prefer Zero Contact Given They Hooked Up For Years. How Do I Address With Empathy/Respect? by asparagus_fern in Advice

[–]asparagus_fern[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She does assume I don’t care and that’s a mistake I’ve made.

I do deep down want zero contact as she’s hooked up with him for years, couldn’t tell me it wouldn’t happen again if she were to become single and that her ex has taken intimate, emotional capacity that could have otherwise been given to the relationship. Her ex would fuck her the second he got the chance.

I’ve had a few hookups too but am concerned that she’s had way way more than I’d be comfortable with.

My plan is to lay all of this out on the table, including how it’s simply been detrimental to our relationship, how it’s affected me etc. and then let her come back with what she feels is reasonable at her own pace. Then, I plan to process her response and really make sure that I don’t overreact which I’ve done in the past. I really do want to give her grace and be patient , I just can’t see her ex contact as reasonable given how sexual they’ve been for years.

Any additional insight is appreciated, it’s been a lot of help!

I (34M) Would Prefer My Girlfriend (32F) To Distance Herself From Her Ex. I’d Prefer Zero Contact Given They Hooked Up For Years. How Do I Address With Empathy/Respect? by asparagus_fern in Advice

[–]asparagus_fern[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She would do it for me 1000% and I’m not sure if it’s reasonable for me to want that

I (34M) Would Prefer My Girlfriend (32F) To Distance Herself From Her Ex. I’d Prefer Zero Contact Given They Hooked Up For Years. How Do I Address With Empathy/Respect? by asparagus_fern in Advice

[–]asparagus_fern[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

She’d never do that , she just cares for him and I do think it’s affected our relationship negatively.

I (34M) Would Prefer My Girlfriend (32F) To Distance Herself From Her Ex. I’d Prefer Zero Contact Given They Hooked Up For Years. How Do I Address With Empathy/Respect? by asparagus_fern in Advice

[–]asparagus_fern[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am not saying I’m correct with all of this and appreciate all of the support.

She’s preferred me to distance myself
From my previous sexual partners and I’ve happily done so. That’s what I’m expecting in return.

She’s texted him hourly for months and it’s clearly taken away from our limited time. She’s clearly still perceiving her ex as more than friends and feels an imminent sense of responsibility for his loneliness etc.

He would try to fuck her the second he had the chance.

Had they not been hooking up for a number of years, including right before her and I met, I wouldn’t have nearly as much of an issue.

I (34M) Would Prefer My Girlfriend (32F) To Distance Herself From Her Ex. I’d Prefer Zero Contact Given They Hooked Up For Years. How Do I Address With Empathy/Respect? by asparagus_fern in Advice

[–]asparagus_fern[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

She is happy to choose me and I’d choose her. The fact that she didn’t assure me that her and her ex would not hook up again made me realize how her contact with him has had a negative effect on our relationship. Knowing my feelings and preferences, how would it be fine for her to continue on with behavior that makes me uncomfortable? I’m not going to do anything that makes her uncomfortable and if I did and she expressed concern, I’d oblige every time.

I (34M) Would Prefer My Girlfriend (32F) To Distance Herself From Her Ex. I’d Prefer Zero Contact Given They Hooked Up For Years. How Do I Address With Empathy/Respect? by asparagus_fern in Advice

[–]asparagus_fern[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

If it bothers me and is detrimental to our relationship in any way, why shouldn’t it be addressed?

I (34M) Would Prefer My Girlfriend (32F) To Distance Herself From Her Ex. I’d Prefer Zero Contact Given They Hooked Up For Years. How Do I Address With Empathy/Respect? by asparagus_fern in Advice

[–]asparagus_fern[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Appreciate the comment and am
Not sure how the romantic partner, whom she truly loves and sees marriage with, would not be the clear priority.

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