I am not The OOP, OOP is

My daughter is sad because I attended my niece’s art showcase instead of her theater showcase. Am I wrong?

Originally posted to

TRIGGER WARNING: neglect and loss of a loved one

Feb 1, 2025

My daughter (15F) had her school’s winter showcase last weekend. It wasn’t a full play, but a collection of scenes and monologues from different performances that drama students had been working on. My daughter had a good role in one of the featured scenes and was really excited about it. While she never outright asked me to be there, I knew it was important to her.

The issue was that my niece (16F) had her first big art showcase that same night. My sister’s husband passed away when my niece was little, and since then I’ve stepped in where I can. My niece is incredibly talented in painting, and this was her first time having her work displayed in a real gallery alongside other student artists.

My niece made it clear leading up to the event that she really wanted me there. I had already told her beforehand that I couldn’t come because I was going to my daughter’s showcase, and while she said she understood, I could tell she was sad.

The night before the event however, she called me and broke down in tears telling me how much it would mean for her to have me there. She said she felt like this was one of the biggest moments of her life, and she wanted me to be proud of her the way a dad would be. That completely shattered me. I felt like if I didn’t go, I would be letting her down in a way that would stay with her for a long time. So after the call, I spoke with my daughter and my wife, and asked them if I could go to my niece’s showcase, and they did give me the go ahead.

However, the day after the event, my daughter was really sad and upset. I did feel guilty, but also I did ask for permission from both her and my wife before I decided to go to my niece’s showcase. My wife however told me that I should have stuck to my original plan regardless, and that our daughter has even cried a few times since her showcase.

Am I wrong?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

blueavole

Where was your sister? Where are any other family or friends?

Did your niece really have two adults and your daughter had none?

Was the exact same hours the only option for both? There wasn’t a second showing, or the gallery going display the art for a single night?

Did you even try to see the art in the afternoon and the play at night?

YTA if you abandoned your daughter after promising, and tried absolutely nothing to make it work.

OOP

My sister was at the art showcase too, but my niece was still really emotional about me being at the event. She sees me as a father figure, and having me there specifically meant a lot to her.

My wife and her friend did attend my daughter’s showcase; so my daughter wasn’t alone. But she was upset I wasn’t there.

The art gallery was going to be on display for a while, but the event itself, the opening night where students were there presenting their work, was just for that night.

I really wished I could have attended both. If I could have attended one earlier in the day, and the other later, I absolutely would have.

DifferentZucchini3

Do you have a habit of putting your niece before your wife and daughter? 

TOP COMMENT

HugeNefarious222

So your niece wanted you there like a father would, but the child you are actually a father to isn't as important? That's what you told her.

Feb 15, 2025 (2 weeks later)

Hey everyone,

So the past couple of weeks have not been easy. I understand what I did was not ok, and I truly didn’t get the depth of what my daughter was feeling until I had a long talk with her where she bared her feelings. And when she cried and cried and cried, it really drove home that I was the one responsible for all this.

However, I think yesterday was a really special day. My wife encouraged me to take our daughter out the whole day and make it special for her. So I did. We did a lot of fun things yesterday, went to a movie, shopping where I got her a bunch of gifts, lunch and dinner at a nice restaurant. It was a really special day. And at the end of the day, when my daughter and I came back home, she hugged me for minutes. It was the first in a long time she did that, and it was really special.

Now having said all that, I don’t think what my niece did was wrong at all. I was the one was wrong, not her. She just wanted a father like figure to attend one of the most important days for her life. I met with my sister and her a couple days ago, and I told them that we had to be more discreet and also more empathetic to my daughter. I told them that we can still hang out, and we can still do fun things, but I can’t do it at the expense of my daughter anymore.

My sister and my niece were really open to it, and we actually had a great day and did a lot of fun things that evening. My sister and my niece are genuinely nice and empathetic people, and I couldn’t be luckier to have them in my life. I will still hang out with them, because both are really important to me. But if there’s a time conflict with my daughter in the future, I will choose my daughter first.

TOP COMMENT

Commercial-Loan-929

Whoa, happy your niece has the father your daughter wish she had. 

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is . She posted in

Thanks to for the rec

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old.

Trigger Warnings: abuse; religious abuse; infidelity;

Mood Spoiler: good ending for OOP

Editor's Note: OOP explains this later, but I wanted to put it here now since I know reading the first post will make some people annoyed. She grew up in a sect of mormonism that was very conservative and is still learning how to break out of some habits. Let's keep things civil and not be assholes in the comments, yeah?

Original : March 15, 2025

My brothers are all pigs. We had a very traditional house where girls cleaned and washed dishes from the time, we were old enough to walk and stand on chairs and my brothers never did anything and as adults cannot even turn a washer on. I very much resenting how I felt like I had to raise my own father and how holidays and weekends were always spent with my brothers and dads laying around and us cleaning. Even Christmas they got to play with their toys and we went in the kitchen. I do not care about excuses like "I was never taught", we are all adults now and they can YouTube and google whatever they do not know. I learned how to patch walls, change tiers, change oil, etc. All the gendered stuff I was never taught so I do not see why he can't as well. My brother got put out by his girlfriend after they just had their first kid because he does not help with anything.

Since staying with me I have forced him to do stuff. When he first moved in my house went from my tidy, clean utopia to a disgusting mess. He would spit sunflower seeds on the flood, hide his food and dirty dishes around the house, spit chewed gum behind the coffee machine feet from the trash can, hide snack food everywhere, smoke on the toilet and put cigs out on my floor (which is a slap in the face as I asked him to not even smoke inside because I do not smoke), leave his dirty clothes everywhere even on the living room floor, etc. Even when he ordered food for himself, he would eat at the table then leave it for me to put away for him. Anytime he took anything out of the fridge he would leave it on the table and would often leave the fridge open. I am not joking, I found maggots 3 times from his mess.

I lost it and told him to change his behavior totally or get out. Well, he started doing stuff but as badly as he could. He would put bowls in the dish washer so they would be filled with nasty water, mop with the same water for days on end leaving it smelling of rot, do his laundry by putting it in the washer and leaving it for me to finish, put food away by throwing it all over the fridge spilling food everywhere. The best was when he put the syrup away upside down on the top shelf with no lid on coating my entire fridge in syrup that took hours to clean, etc. Then he would say "I am trying you are just being a b&tch".

I lost my temper, and I know I couldn't leave him on the street, so I divided the house. The cabinet doors all have locks from the previous owners, so I got him from dishes from goodwill and forbad him from using any of my dishes so he is eating off his filthy dishes. I made it very clear that anything left on the floors (clothing, etc) gets a one-day grace period then it will be thrown away. Same with the few dishes he has as he would leave them in the sink until they started to grow mold. I started locking my bathroom door and he has to use the one in the basement which I refuse to clean. If his clothes are in the washer for more than 8 hours and I need to use it, I dump them wet on his bed. Any trash he leaves laying around goes on his bed. If he orders food and gets up and leaves his leftovers, I leave them to rot, then they get thrown away (though twice the idiot has left food out overnight and came out and started angry eating it whilst glaring at me. Both times the idiot got food sickness). He destroyed my fridge again putting juice in upside down with the lid barely on once again destroying my food, so I mopped it up with towels and dumped the towels and all my ruined food on his bed then put a lock on the fridge.

He hates me and says I am terrorizing him. I say I was forced to mother him as a child but was never given the parental control to actually teach him how life works. And since my brothers used my childhood to treat me like a maid, I will no longer parent them. My view is, some lessons have to be learned painfully. I will not gentle parent a grown man who cannot close a fridge door. ATIAH?

Some of OOP's Comments:

Commenter: Ages? Who’s house is it? Why haven’t you kicked him out already?

OOP: (downvoted) I am 30 he is 33. This is my house. I guess family is family just got beat into my head a lot.

Commenter: Suggestion: put a time limit on his time with you. Either he starts actually working towards a solution (and away from the weaponized incompetence that he's engaged in with the juice and syrup), or he gets moved out.

Is he paying rent or for food? Utilities? I assume that you'd be fine without any of his additions towards these (because you seemed OK before you invited him in to disturb your peace).

OOP: (downvoted) He isn't paying anything because he lost his job during covid and says he cannot find work, I was letting that go because I make really good money and didn't need any of it from him but he needs to contribute something, and he is not. I think I will figure out a timeline and tell him he has to do better or go. I am sure he can find some other woman to raise him. That is his usual move when his girlfriend puts him out. Why she puts up with it IDK but I can't say anything because I do too.

Mini Update (Same Post): Later that Day

UPDATE: I could not believe my eyes when I opened reddit and saw the number of notifications. Wow. So just to update everyone, things came to a head today. I had to work the early shift and had session with my table tonight at 6 (I am DM'ing a few DND games) I begged my brother to keep the living room clean. I came home and the house was more than trashed. I mean it looked like a bomb went off. He even dropped a cup of milk on the floor and left it. I flung the whole milk jug at his head and screamed at him to GTFO. He tried to bulk up to me and I lost it screaming "get out" over and over and I guess he saw how unhinged I was because he stormed out. I cleaned up the milk then jumped online to message everyone to cancel and saw the 700+ notifications. You all gave some really solid advice, and I knew reading the replies last night that this was over. I was gonna give him a few weeks but seeing that milk all across my new floor was the last straw. IDK where he is going, I don't care. I Thank you all! I love reddit people. End of update.

Some of OOP's Comments:

Commenter: really why are you doing this? i absolutely do not have any sympathy for you. you really can’t be that dumb.

OOP: Jokes on you I really can be lol. No, I think growing up how I did family was just pushed into my head and all the old ladies use to say that men couldn't help it. In my church if you yelled at a man for any of this you would be viewed as insane. Regardless check my update, he is gone now.

Commenter: It seems like he actively hates her, right?

It's the syrup in the fridge that would've sent me over the edge. What a pain in the a** to clean.

OOP: It was horrific to clean because I was gone for 3 days and by the time I got back it was like molasses . I ended up having to shove all the fridge drawers in my bathtub and scrub them. I was bawling I was so upset.

Commenter: I would be willing to bet so much money that he listens to Andrew Tate and Joe Rogan and thinks "women and men should have strict gender roles" which the men are always conveniently exempt from holding up their part of. Your brother is a piece of shit. 

OOP: He adores Ben Shapiro and Tate but things Rogan is a "little b$tch that needs to pick a side" he is super into Nick Fuentez too or however you say his name. But his favorite is the one guy that got in trouble for screaming at his pregnant wife (I cannot remember his name)

Commenter: She was conditioned as a young child to accept shitty behaviour from men. Even putting in this boundary is likely a big step for her.

Of course I hope she takes from this thread that he’s abhorrent and she doesn’t need to accept this behavior. Though I get why she may not think she can just kick him out - even though she can and she should.

OOP: This is 100% it. In my church if you complained about men not cleaning people would think you are insane. I posted this 10000% thinking I was going to get roasted for being a b%tch lol

Commenter: I'm so sorry, honestly that sounds like a really toxic culture and I would try to find a more left leaning church, but I understand that may not be possible in your area.

OOP: I left the church and the area lol I am way libbed up now lol when he called me needing a place to go, I think I regressed a lot mentally.

Commenter: Your childhood church sounds like one of those culty outfits that has youth leaders sleeping with underage teens and pastors grooming young girls. Thoroughly gross.

OOP: Our church is #1 for those scandals recently. I was groomed by our youth leader. It was fairly standard for the elders to go on mission then marry a barely legal teenage girl when they were late 20's, to 30's. it is rampant.

Commenter: How do you even put syrup or juice in the fridge upside down & open? The syrup alone would have to have the too closed to try and balance it on the top upside down. The juice could be in several containers but again, probably needed a top to balance. Doesn’t make any sense.

OOP: At the top of my fridge I keep drinks (like juice, milk, etc ) he left it upside down laying across the top of all the drink bottles. So it was not perfectly upside down but rather at a sever slant with the top at the bottom. He did the same with the juice.

Parents

OOP: You are not going to believe this but one time I did 10000% get grounded because my brother got cysts on his ass from not cleaning and my mom said I needed to "set a better example for him" that is 100% true and totally sounds like an insane lie.

Editor's note: OOP was sort of asked to prove she wasn't a bot and it made me chuckle

Update : March 19, 2025 (4 days later)

Hello everyone, I considered leaving the situation with my brother at the original post, but this post has blown up and is being covered outside of reddit so I figured I should tell you guys what has happened.

To start, I know a lot of people seemed incredibly perplexed I even allowed this. To this all I can really reply is that I grew up in a very toxic environment. They are Mormons, and not the modern kind. When I was a kid, I was not allowed to wear pants. In my childhood if you asked a man to clean you would be looked at like you were insane, and if you got mad at a man being messy it would even be implied you could possibly be corrupted spiritually for attacking the original design. Obviously after I left the church, I understood that things are different, but I am not as healed as I thought. I obviously need a lot more therapy. I also got a few posts asking why I didn't include that I am autistic in my post, this is just because it is not relevant.

The actual update: My brother is MIA. For anyone who missed it the day after that post I came home to a trashed house and a glass of milk spilt on the floor that had obviously been there for a while. I lost it and lugged the milk jug at his head (thankfully missing) and screamed at him over and over to "get out". He tried to square up to me, but I screamed so loud it was hard to talk the next day.

I think he got the hint then and took off (almost ripped my door in two doing it, I had to replace a hinge) I know some people wanted to me to sue him but during this whole situation I was confronted with a health scare (just some weird looking moles but I am still worried) so I do not want to deal with that.

He left, get this, and went to the house of his 19 year old girlfriend. Apparently, he met this girl when she went to the bar for her 18th. I had no idea this was going on but all my brothers did. To recap. he had a baby with his GF of 8 years, THIS MONTH. [editor's note- the girlfriend of 8 years is different than the 19 year old]

I told them all to fuck off, when mom messaged me crying because "no one knows where your brother is he just left with some girl" I told her I do not care. I did (call me crazy) message the girl to tell her he is bad news but she called me a crazy c%n and blocked me. I also messaged the girls mom who seems worried but basically said she cannot do anything because her daughter is legal. I guess they took off and skipped town and will not tell anyone where they are, outside of worry for this girl I do not care. I am too busy chilling with his EX and my wonderful niece. I am going to take care of my health and focus on my life.

Some of OOP's Comments:

Commenter: I hope your two posts are real, that you have actually taken those actions against your brother, and that you will never allow anybody else to walk all over you.

Kudos to you and your new backbone!

OOP: I actually wish more and more that I had been taking pictures so I could prove I am not lying because it is so unreal. After reading all the comments. I kind of woke up and now it's like "girl tf were you doing"

More info on OOP's former church:

The church has splintered a lot because of the sex scandals (mainly) but also just because the church is so extreme in its worst forms. As a result, a lot of the churches updated to become more modern and to leave behind a lot of the older actions. As a result some church's operate not different from any other religion institute and a lot of the members are lovely people. Still, I am never shocked when another scandal happens.

Commenter: Hope it's clean. Sounds like lots of work to fix.

OOP: My friends all came over and we had a cleaning party. The basement toilet was the worst as that was the only area I was not monitoring. I mean it was horrific. I sprayed bleached all over every inch of that room.

Commenter: Wait! Your brothers gone missing and you sprayed bleach all over your basement as part of a "cleaning party". Well played. Loads of folk to take the fall with you....

Just kidding, but seriously well done on turning your life around and standing up for yourself when you'd been conditioned to never do so. Very impressive.

OOP: I didn't realize how that sounded lol

Commenter: Did you change all of your locks and get a good security system?

OOP: I put on a new padlock. He wouldn't hurt me but I 100% could see him robbing me.

I am not The OOP, OOP is

AITA for severing from my friends over someone's autistic behavior?

Originally posted to

TRIGGER WARNING: sexual harassment, stalking, obsessive behavior, threats of self harm, victim blaming, misogyny

MOOD SPOILER: Horrifying and infuriating

May 16, 2020

I am 27F.

I moved to a new town last year for a new job, and after a few months found a social group in the new town that I get along very well with and we have similar interests and hobbies.

However, one part of this group is 'Sam.' Sam is autistic, functional but he doesn't really get social interaction for the most part, and his brother 'Nate' brings him to everything we do. While I find him a little offputting (he has a habit of laughing at inappropriate moments and will ramble for hours about some subjects if someone mentions them), I get that it's not his fault and have always made an effort to be polite and considerate to him.

Over the last four or five months, Sam has developed a very unsubtle crush on me - from what Nate has said, I get the impression I'm the nicest any girl around his age has ever been to him. He constantly goes out of his way to buy things for me, even when I insist that I can pay for it myself, obsessively follows me on social media, asks if we can hang out just the two of us, which I always say no to, and has repeatedly asked me if I have a boyfriend, which I don't.

I don't because I'm gay, though I'm not open about it to everyone. And even if I was interested in men, Sam is not my type between his mental difficulties and us simply not having any interests in common. I have not told Sam that I'm gay, but I have repeatedly and firmly told him that I am not interested in him.

Sam has not been taking the hint, and my friends, including Nate, have told me they think it's cute that Sam is interested in me and encourage me to not take him seriously.

Last week, things escalated. My birthday was last week, and due to quarantine measures a few of my friends sent me gifts in the mail - a starbucks gift card, a gift over Steam, things like that. Sam, however, sent me a box of very expensive lingerie, easily hundreds of dollars' worth (even weirder, it fits me so he somehow knows my size), and a long letter confessing how much he's in love with me and wants to see me wearing it 'but not for too long! =^.='

I know where Sam lives, with his and Nate's parents, called their parents on the phone, and drove over to their house to return the lingerie. The parents were very weirded out but promised to talk with Sam.

A couple of days ago, Sam sent me the lingerie in the mail again, with another long letter that this time said how he understands how surprised I must have been but he can't wait to see me in it.

I sent messages to Nate and the rest of my friends that I am not comfortable being around Sam anymore, and will not be meeting up with them in the future if Sam is there. When my friends blew up at me for hating Sam because he's different and 'leading him on,' I shut down my social media account and blocked all of them.

Now that I've had a day or two to calm down, I'm wondering if that was an overreaction.

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

RELEVANT COMMENTS

downvoted commenter

INFO - Did you directly respond to Sam when you returned the lingerie? This sounds like you've told everyone except Sam that you're not interested in Sam. You're not leading him on, but I'm not clear on why you didn't communicate clearly and directly with him when the problems started.

OOP

I did tell him. The first time he asked if I had a boyfriend, I told him "No, and I'm not looking for one." I have, on several occasions before the lingerie, told him to his face "I'm flattered that you like me, but I don't feel the same way, do not want to spend time with you without the rest of the group, and would appreciate it if you'd stop buying things for me and asking if I have a boyfriend."

~

takatori

INFO: I sent messages to Nate and the rest of my friends that I am not comfortable being around Sam anymore.

Does this mean you told them about the lingerie and letters?

OOP

I told them about the letters, not the lingerie beyond that it was a very expensive gift (my guess is that it's at least a couple hundred dollars' worth) and did stress that the letters specifically included sexual comments.

May 18, 2020 (2 days later)

Thank you everyone for your support, and I learned a lot from reading the comments to this thread! Particularly that I was wrong to ascribe Sam's behavior to his autism, it's just him being a creepy stalker with no boundaries.

I took some of the thread's advice and confronted Sam's parents and Nate about this directly. Per the thread's advice, I went accompanied by a [male] cousin of mine who lives in the area who I trust after I explained the situation, plus the mace I habitually carry in my purse.

In short, Sam's stalking extends beyond what I was aware of, that's how he knew my size for the lingerie, and in fact that was only one of several gift boxes he'd bought for me on a schedule he'd written up about how our relationship would go in his mind - he'd spent, no joke, more than a thousand dollars on me. The parents confirmed that it was all Sam's own money from his job, but that part of his cognitive problems is a total inability to grasp money.

Also, Nate specifically encouraged Sam's crush on me behind my back. I am, apparently, by far the nicest and most considerate any woman has been to Sam, and both Nate and Sam thought I was attracted to Sam, to the point of Nate and Sam telling their parents that Sam had found a girlfriend.

Nate has his reasons that I don't want to get into (I'm not saying I agree with his reasons, because I don't), but I told Nate, Sam, and their parents that I am not and never will be interested in Sam. It's not because Sam is autistic, or because he's white and I'm not. I did not tell them it's because I'm gay, just that I am simply not interested, never will be interested, and find his behavior extremely creepy. I concluded with telling them that I am willing to not contact the police or start legal measures about a restraining order if I never see Sam again, but that I have begun documenting his behavior, including making copies of Sam's letters, in the event that I need to. I told Nate and his parents that Sam needs serious help before his behavior does escalate to legal and criminal consequences.

I hope Sam can get the help he needs, my impression is that he genuinely thought he was being romantic and acting like people do in the movies and TV shows he watches, and no one was telling him that's not how real life works.

Their parents, at least, seemed to take this seriously, but as I left to get in my car Nate shoved the box of lingerie into my arms and told me to keep it and maybe I should 'stop being such a frigid bitch.'

I've made sure my apartment manager knows what Sam and Nate look like and what their phone numbers are, and to not let them into the complex or give them any information about me, and have laid out steps to change my routine in case Sam tries to resume his previous behavior.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

This is a repost. The original was posted in by User ThrowRA_wgf. I'm not the original poster.

Status: Concluded.

Mood: Assertive

March 7, 2025

I work at a diner as a waitress with this kid, let’s call him John. John has always seemed pretty chill and busses my tables. Sometimes we chat if we are closing together, usually about school, as he started college not too long ago and I am almost graduated with my BA. Ultimately, we are friendly but not friends.

Last week he said that he was part of a group chat with a handful of other coworkers on instagram and asked if I wanted to join. I said sure because I haven’t connected with people at the diner that well and figured it was worth a shot. We swapped instas. The group chat is very normal, friendly banter between coworkers.

Yesterday, I see that John posted a reel of him and a couple of his buddies doing their take on a “hear me out cake”, which is usually a very lighthearted and funny way of saying you would get with what are typically fictional and mostly animated characters. The entire cake adhered to that concept, except toward the end, when MY FACE (a picture that he must have screenshotted from one of my posts), is stuck on the cake. I was the only real person on that cake, and John actually made a comment about how attractive I was and that he wished that he could “hit that”, but doubts he has a chance.

I feel insanely grossed out and kind of violated. I want the video taken down, but am not sure if I have the right or authority to do that. I ranted about this to my sister, and she told me to just take it as a compliment and be glad that someone thinks I am pretty. It feels wrong doing that.

Is this grounds for taking this issue to higher ups? I don’t know if I am comfortable working with him at the moment. Do I just take care of this myself and tell him that it makes me uncomfortable and I want him to take it down? It is a public video. I am just uncertain how to move forward.

Notable Comments:

Go up to him at work and say “hey can you delete that video you made about me. The one where you printed a picture of my face and put it on a cake, it’s really fucking weird”

Yeah, this is the way. A shameless, direct approach out in the open with minimal reaction, that serves to call him out and makes him feel like a weirdo. Objectively, it is a very weird thing to do. “It was a joke.” “That’s a pretty creepy and weird joke, don’t you think?” Best case scenario, he takes it down and realizes he’s blown any chance he thought he had with you because you think so little of him that he can’t even get a reaction out of you. Worst case, he doesn’t take it down, and I say report him at work. ^{[Capital_Win_9303]}

If it was an attempt to flirt, it was a bad one. "Hear me out" cakes are not just "people I would hook up with" but "characters that are so far out of the typical standard (moral, beauty, etc) that you need to hear my reasons defending why I would want to hook up with them." I'm sure you're a lovely human and this guy is just an idiot, but anyone saying being on this cake should be taken as a compliment (I believe you mentioned your sister saying this) is incorrect.

You don’t have to be nice to creepy, inappropriate men, nor do you have to care about his feelings. Tell him you want the video removed and from now on be civil and polite to him but you don’t have to be kind, friendly or nice in the future.

Men, please do not post your fantasies online. We see them and are repulsed. No one is flattered by you wanting to "hit that."

Personal thoughts should stay personal. OP was sexual harassed by a dumb guy whose friends convinced him this would be a great way to see if she was interested.

OP, I'm so sorry. Just block him from your insta, stop following him and get out of the group chat. Ask him to take the video down and then stop talking to him, he hopes you are flirting with him and is taking it that way. Treat him like a small child who has overstepped boundaries.

Leave a comment under the post that says "Gross."

Then stop talking to him.

March 26, 2025, 19 days later

Hi! Idk if this is how you do an update, but this is how I am doing it.

So, I screen recorded the video and sent it to my manager. We are on good terms and I was hoping that she would understand and we could rework the schedule so that I don’t have him bussing my tables and we won’t have to interact. She said this is very odd and may be a violation of conduct? She told me not to stress about the details and that she would take care of it. I am very grateful with how seriously she took it. She had moved me around so that I will not have to see him as much and I only have a handful of times since then. He has avoided eye contact with me entirely.

Once my manager was aware of the video, I dmed John on insta saying: “The video you made in which you put my face in a hear me out cake for social media is gross and unprofessional. We are coworkers. I did not greenlight being posted online and sexualized like that. I have talked with ___ (manager) about the situation and my discomfort and would like you to take the video down. You used my image without my consent.”

He responded and “apologized” saying that he and his friends were drunk and that he made that video on a whim. He told me he thought I was cool and wouldn’t have a problem with it. He said he would take it down but never once actually said sorry, just a gave those excuses. It was deleted. He has been having to take an online course about sexual harassment and workplace misconduct or something like that. Something probably meaningless but at least it is slightly a pain in the ass.

The only thing now is that he has busboy buddies that side eye and kind of glower at me because of the action I took. On the bright side, they probably won’t fuck with me like that.

Anyway, thanks to anyone reading. I am not sure if anyone will see this, but the comments on the last post were mostly helpful and I am grateful for the perspective that you guys provided, so thanks!

Notable Comments:

The whole it was some stupid drunk thing is such bs. He had to take so many steps to get your pic ready for that. You did the right thing, and thankfully it's not like this is your forever job. Here's hoping he won't be such a jackass next time he's got a crush on someone.

Yeah pretty laughable that making a somewhat elaborate baked good and a short film about it is waved away as impulsive. ^[AskAJedi]

Literally. And screen shotting an image, printing it off, taping it to a stick... like there's so many steps that a drunk person would not be able to complete it. ^{[Individual_Water3981]}

I'm not the original poster.

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is . She posted in and

Previous BORU posts and . New Update marked with *****. Thanks to and for letting me know about the new update

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old.

Mood Spoiler: happy ending

Original : January 31, 2025

When I was 17 my mom came into money. She tried to keep it quiet but she paid off my dad’s debts, bought him a small house, paid off her debts and paid for my sister’s college and set up funds for mine. She had a boyfriend at the time and shortly after him and his son who was 7 moved into our new house.

Over the next few years mom bought my sister a house after she graduated college. Her boyfriend lived with us and didn’t pay anything but he did work.

When I was 21 mom got diagnosed with cancer. It wasn’t good. She sat me and my sister down and went over exactly how much money there was. She intended to give her current house to me and both me and my sister were left with a large sum at the end of it. She asked if I would allow her boyfriend to stay in the house with his son until he got his own place. I agreed.

Before she died she told her boyfriend he would need to look for his own place but had time to save more for that journey.

For the last 4 years he has continued to reside in the house with his son. I haven’t minded because we get along okay. I pay all the bills but he does buy food for him and his kid.

He has dated off and on and mostly kept the women out of this house which I respected him for. Until his current partner. She’s been in my house 3 times and at first besides feeling a little uncomfortable I was okay with her. The last time this past weekend was the point where I lost my shit.

I was making myself some lunch when she came walking downstairs. She grabbed a plate and went to grab food out of my pan. I asked her what she thought was doing. She started telling me how I should look for somewhere else to live and leeching off my dead mom’s past relationship as an adult was pathetic.

I hollered for my mom’s old boyfriend he came down and I told him I didn’t know what he current thing thought but I wasn’t going to be disrespected in my house. He wouldn’t even look me in the eyes as he mumbled something about my mom promising him the house and he was just “being kind” letting me stay.

First that isn’t remotely true. Mom pulled him and i together after she asked if he could stay to set expectations. My mom met him shortly before she won the money and told him and us girls that she had no intention of leaving him money. She did set aside a fund for his son for college when he gets there but he cannot touch it, only his son can. He has lived in this house almost 8 years without paying a dime he should have plenty of money and if he doesn’t that’s on him.

I told him he had 30 days to leave. I wasn’t going to house someone who would lie and disrespect me in my house. He left that night with his son but his ex wife called to tell me I am cruel and an AH for her son losing his house (he is here every other week).

I really feel like my mom didn’t expect him to still be here but my sister said she feels like I am breaking my promise to my mom and that made me feel like maybe I am the AH.

Some of OOP's Comments:

Commenter: If it happened exactly how you said, you’re not the asshole.

If she did say he had time to save, but would need to look for his own place, that means she never imagined or wanted him staying for long. So you’re breaking no promises.

Did she leave him any money or assets? It’s totally possible that your mother would be livid if she knew her boyfriend was still living with her son after 4 years.

OOP: No she created a fund for his son for his college but that was the only money set aside for him or his son. It’s a generous amount enough for 4 years at a high dollar school. Anything not used for school will be given to him on his 25th birthday from what I believe she told me (a lawyer and accountant are in charge of those funds not me or my sister so I only know what she told us before she died).
She was never married to or even engaged to her boyfriend. He lived with his sister and was saving for his own house when mom met him. Him moving in with us was supposed to be temporary and allow him to save to buy his dream home but he never left. My mom was like that though-she had a big heart and sometimes people took advantage of that (especially after the money). She bought him a brand new truck when his car broke down but beyond that and smaller gifts (like tv computer etc for birthdays and holiday gifts) she did not leave him money. They had no joint accounts my mom paid everything and he was supposed to be saving for a house the whole time they were together.

Commenter: Guessing to the Miss Thangs over the years he's lived rent/utility-free in OP's house. 

I'm also giving the stink eye to the sister laying the guilt-trip on OP for evicting him. 

OOP: I don’t think my sister meant any harm. Probably feels a little sad like me that his son won’t be around. I don’t expect we will get to visit with the kid (he’s 15) and we both like him and have known him awhile. The three of us gamed together some over the years and usually did an outing once every month or two to arcades or amusement parks or something like that together.

Commenter: [...] I'm curious just how long your sister thinks he & son should be allowed to freeload off you. She doesn't have the warm fuzzies for him, does she? 

OOP: No but she’s kind of a pushover like our mom was. Super kind hearted but to a fault. Heck maybe I am to, to an extent. I just don’t put up with disrespect.

Commenter: Was his gf shocked and believed him or was she trying to start the take over or at least try to? It's possible he lied to her but it's also possible she knew but was wanting to come in and take over it happens all the time. I would hire movers if they left anything do not let them back in it could be hell getting them out. Lucky they left

OOP: She seemed smug the whole time so I suspect she put him up to it because he and I always got along before this. He didn’t argue when I kicked him out. He did text me and asked to come by this weekend to get his stuff and asked if I would be willing to talk. I told him my dad and boyfriend will be here and he agreed to that.
How gf reacted when she found out:
She sat with her arms crossed when he and I talked but she didn’t say anything else she left with him.

OOP responds to a longer :

Thank you so much. My mom was the sweetest person and when I was a teenager I feel like I was a nightmare to her. I am thankful I was much better in my late teens and 20&21 so she got to see me mature a little before she passed. I wasn’t always the best daughter but she was always the best mom.
I think part of letting him stay so long is having bonded with his son but also I liked having someone else around who loved my mom too. There were nights I would wake up from a nightmare and end up in the kitchen and he would hear me and just come make a cup of coffee and sit and share a story about her. His son loved mom too and some evenings we would get takeout and watch movies and joke about what commentary my mom would have had if she had seen the movie with us. My sister lives a state away so we only really see each other once a month or so. I liked not being alone in this big house.
I do have a security system and the locks have been changed. He is coming over tomorrow to get his stuff.

To a detailed  that this is a creative writing prompt:

Neither me nor my sister were teenagers when my mom passed away. I was the youngest at 21. And the funds have been in a trust but it wasn’t related to this story and the character limit made me already limit things I said. I won’t have full access to the funds left to me until I am 30 but I can request additional access through the trustees and I get monthly funds for bills and spending (my mom paid for people to manage both me, my sister’s, and her boyfriend’s sons trust (yes his college fund is in a trust as well thus why his dad has no access to it).
Personally I love Reddit this is a throwaway because I don’t want to dox myself and my actual account has photos of myself and my pets. But no one in my real life knows about the money except family and my mom’s boyfriend doesn’t even know how much money just that there was money (not even my boyfriend knows).
Edit to add: journey was my mom’s words to her boyfriend when we all sat down, which is why I used that word. She was super into historical fiction romance novels and she used some old phrasing in real life sometimes because of it. My sister and I used to tease her for it all the time.

OOP is voted NTA

Update : February 1, 2025 (Next Day)

I know the other sub is very subjective on updates so I figured I would post it here.

I do want to take a moment to address some things I saw in the comment.

1-there are trusts set up and neither me nor my sister has full access to the money left us. This was done both because my sister and I were in our early 20s when my mom died and she wanted to make sure we had some stability before we had access and to protect us from people who may try to take advantage especially while we were grieving.

2-I have a lawyer. He has already informed me legally to my area what eviction laws are and my mom’s former boyfriend will be served with formal eviction papers just to cover myself even after today.

So to the update:

My dad came over (decided not to have my boyfriend over since he doesn’t know about the money side and I wasn’t trying to have the boyfriend out the situation) this morning and brought along my cousin. For easier telling I’m going to call mom’s former boyfriend Chuck.

Chuck showed up about 10am my time and talked to my dad then asked if he could have a couple of minutes alone with me. Dad nodded so my cousin and him went into the kitchen and Chuck and I sat in the living room.

I’ll be honest I didn’t expect it to go as it had but I am glad it did. Chuck started with an apology. I don’t remember all of the words said but the basics were he missed my mom, he has been lonely but not alone thanks to me and his son. He was sorry for what had happened that he got caught up in lust and let someone else fill his head with ideas and that he owned up to his mistakes and should have never put up with someone who would disrespect me or my mom’s memory.

He tried to hand me a cashier’s check for 15000 dollars. He said it wasn’t much but he wanted me to know he appreciated me and living with me and that he wanted to pay back some of what he owed. I refused the check both in part because I never wanted his money but I also don’t want to give any possible legal leg for him to stand on if this is somehow him trying to stay. I told him the first part and told him to put it towards a house.

He told me he is living with his sister but is going to look at houses with a realtor next week. He did say his son is asking about our next hang out date and said both me and my sister are welcome to arrange time with him.

After all of that my dad and cousin helped him get all the stuff out of the house that he owned (he had brought a U-Haul) and he gave me back my house keys. He apologized again and left.

Not what I expected. But it went really well and I feel a lot less like I let my mom down.

Some of OOP's Comments:

Commenter: I’m just being nosey, sure, but how did the woman who thought she’s getting you kicked out of your house respond to it all? 

OOP: No clue. At my house she just seemed smug and bitchy. I didn’t ask Chuck about her and honestly don’t care. My house is nice but it’s not like it’s multimillion dollars or anything.

OOP replies to a deleted comment:

All of the “he is coming for your house” comments on my post kind of made me paranoid. Much happier with how he handled things even if the check made me a little paranoid too.

Commenter (downvoted): Where did all the money your mom got come from? Was it an inheritance? And about how much did she get? Seems like a lot to buy so much.....

OOP: I won’t disclose any of that and it’s 100 percent irrelevant to the judgement of the topic at hand.

Update  2: February 11, 2025 (10 days later, 11 from OG post)

Previous posts on my profile I am too lazy to link.

This is probably going to be my last update unless something unexpected happens but I thought I would just give a quick update on Chuck.

So Chuck called me last week and again yesterday. He put an offer on a house and yesterday got accepted! They expected close date is early next month but I am very proud of him. I know everyone expected more drama (and honestly some of the comments had me worried) but it’s been really good.

He thanked me a lot for letting him have so much time here, offered me some money one more time for his time here which I again declined but I did offer to help him move in when the time comes (moving sucks). He put down almost half for a down payment so he definitely was saving money during his time here and I’m glad everything that happened was an encouragement for him to get into a home of his own.

I talked to his son yesterday after he got out of school we are going to play laser tag this weekend with my sister and he is excited for the new house too!

*****Final Update : March 19, 2025 (1 month, 1 week later)*****

Title: Final Update:kicked mom’s boyfriend out

I didn’t expect to come back but I had a surprise this past weekend and I thought I would share some positives.

So first off Chuck got his house! He closed and moved in this past week. He invited me over on Saturday to see the house and told me he had something for me.

So some background on my mom. Mom was an amazing kind woman she was also heavyset and very self conscious. Most of the photos I have of her are Snapchat pictures she would send. She hated pictures of herself and she absolutely refused to pose for a camera. I have made many comments since she passed that I worry I won’t remember what she looked like since so many photos I have are either old or filtered.

So back to present day Chuck invited me and my sister over and showed us his new place. He thanked us for being amazing people and then he handed us each a photo album. Guys, he had 100s of photos of my mom printed off for each of us. He told us he hated that she filtered her photos and he has secretly been taking photos of her their whole relationship because he loved the real her. He had snagged photos of us with her at the zoo, photos of her on vacations, photos of her napping, photos of her during hikes. Both me and my sister were bawling looking through these pictures of mom we never knew we needed. He had put some little card notes for dates of each photo and some descriptions on some. He managed to capture her smiling and laughing, things she would never take a picture of because she didn’t like her smile. To me this book is priceless.

So that’s it, Chuck is amazing and maybe we had one bad moment but it doesn’t define him or I. He loved my mom and that matters. We are all going to get together for my mom’s birthday in a few months and just celebrate the woman she was.

OOP's Comment:

Commenter (downvoted): My mom didn't like to have pictures of her taken. My dad struggled a little to find a picture for her memorial service.

At the after service lunch I was sitting next to my sister and an aunt started to take a picture of us. We both automatically dropped our heads and put our hands up. With no regrets.

People have a right to not have their pictures taken against their will. I feel bad for the mother.

OOP: My mom didn’t like the way she looked. She actually enjoyed photography behind the camera. She saw herself very differently than we did. And she did take photos she just used filters because she had issues with self image. I am very thankful for the photos. They are the real, authentic her.

Top Comment:

No-Sea1173: That's so wonderful, and touching! And I love that your mother was so beloved during her life, and now. 

And so glad that you updated a great resolution to a moment of poor judgement. 

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

AITAH for confronting my wife's coworker for being rude

Editor's note: added paragraph breaks for ease of readability

Trigger Warnings: hostile workplace, bullying, sexual harassment, retaliation

Mood Spoilers: positive

: February 18, 2025

This situation happened in the summer but it got brought back up again recently so I wanted to have unbiased opinions to see if I crossed the line.

There are three important points I want to state for background purposes before I continue:

1. I (30M) have my own business. I've also been very fortunate that it's doing amazing and I'm very thankful and blessed it's growing.

2. My wife (28F) works in a corporate job at a a well known company, which was also her first job out of college, and was recently promoted to Director. She has people that report to her and she reports directly to the Senior Director.

3. My wife and my I bought land and had a custom made forever home built summer of 2023. We were involved in the whole process from designing the house to what furniture we would get.

The whole process from the house being built to having it fully furnished took a little over a year. We're extremely proud of how it turned out. We love to host gatherings so once the house was done, we threw multiple of them throughout the year. My wife wanted to have a BBQ/Pool party in the summer and wanted to invite her coworkers. Because she was inviting a lot of them, I think around 50, we decided to cater food and outdoor activities like a bouncy castle since some of them were bring their families.

Overall, a lot of planning and thought went into this but my wife was happy doing it. A couple days before the party, she gave some background on some coworkers I've never met. She got to a person named Dick (fake but suitable name) and told me she was her old boss, Director of a different department, and always treated her like crap. My wife was moving up the corporate ladder pretty quickly and he wasn't a big fan of it for some reason. She started out in his department but eventually ended up being a Director and becoming his equal in terms of position. I asked her why she's inviting someone like that and she said she doesn't want him to feel left out and make their work relationship even worse. I guess she wanted to try and work it out outside of company hours to see if anything changes.

But regardless, she asked me to be on my best behavior around him, even if he makes any snide remarks, and she'll handle it. I'm already overprotective of my wife because she's extremely nice and can be a punching bag for some people sometimes, but I told her I'd try my best.

On the day of the party, everything was going smooth. Everybody was having a good time by the pool, backyard games, bouncy castle, etc. Dick came around 30 minutes late but I was the one to greet him at the door while my wife was busy with the guests. I introduced myself to him and ushered him to where the guests were. He was actually nice to talk to while we were talking but his whole demeanor changed when my wife walked over. It was literally like a switch flipped. I ignored it but my wife offered the guests who came late a tour of the house. While we were giving the tour, he kept saying something negative about every room we stopped at.

For example, we showed the living room and he said "the ceilings are too high. Why did you guys do that? Kind of pointless to have". Another example, we got the guest/pool house in the backyard, he said "why did you guys build a guest house? Your house is big enough. It's like you want to show off." He kept making comments like that and made the other guests feel so uncomfortable. I just kept my mouth shut at my wife's request and she would just awkwardly laugh and moved the tour along. After the tour was done, we led them to the the backyard where everyone else was.

Everyone except Dick stayed and he started talking to us. He was asking us questions like " How much was the house?" "Who paid for most of it". Pretty invasive questions in my opinion. I told him that's information I'm not comfortable sharing so we moved on. A little bit later, we were eating and talking with other guests, we got into the topic of the house. Someone mentioned they loved the backyard layout and asked who we had design it. My wife answered saying that we designed everything ourselves. While she was talking, Dick interrupted and said in a very sarcastic tone "Woah be careful not to ask them how much it was. Apparently it's private information that only the elite share with each other".

There was an awkward silence. I honestly had enough because at this point, he's just trying to embarrass her for no reason. I responded "Is there a problem here? Ever since you've came here, you've been rude." He just scoffed and said it just something he wanted to know and then he kept silent. I pressed him and asked why he would need to know? He didn't say anything and just stared. I told him next time when people are talking, you don't need to involve yourself. When I said that, then he started going on a rant. " I don't know who you think you're talking to like that but I thought it was odd and wanted to know how "wife" was able to afford this house on her salary. There's no way she makes enough for this house. Let me guess, you paid for most of it." I cut him off mid rant and said "I can talk to you however I want. I don't work for you and neither does wife. This is also my wife and I's house and you don't get to disrespect us here. I don't know what issues you have with my wife but it ends here."

At this point, and I'm not proud of this, I starting getting into his face and continued saying "Just because you're jealous of my wife and how was she progressed in her career while you stayed at the same position for however long doesn't give you the right to be an asshole. You can get the fuck off my property before I have to force you." He looked dumbfounded because I guess he didn't expect me to get this close. He responded by saying something along the lines of that my wife slept her way to her position and she slept her way to an easy life where she doesn't have to pay for anything, and we're just flaunting our money in people's faces. That was my breaking point so I grabbed him by his collar and started dragging/pushing him out of the house. When I came back, my wife's close coworkers were consoling her and the others decided it was time to go.

When everyone eventually left, my wife told me I didn't have to defend her like that. She's more than capable of taking care of her self. She mentioned that because of my outburst, it's going to make everything awkward at work for her now. I told her I know I shouldn't have done what I did but he was crossing the line. There's only so much I can take. Overall, she's upset that I didn't listen to the one request she had for me, that I let one person ruin the party, and concerned there will be issues at work. Not to mention she's worried I'd get arrested for assault. I told her there's nothing to worry about because she did nothing wrong. She just got up and walked away saying that I don't understand corporate culture. So, AITA in this situation.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Top Comments

Commenter 1: Your wife needs to go to HR. The comments about her sleeping her way to the top need to addressed. He's proven he's not capable of maintaining a polite and professional relationship with your wife so something needs to be done.

Commenter 2: I am curious though. Old Dick has continuously disrespected your wife. He continued to not only disrespect your home, your finances and your wife’s reputation. At what point will your wife ‘handle him’. I understand she didn’t want to cause a scene, but the more Dick was left unchecked, the worse he became.

Commenter 3: I think Dick wants to sleep with your wife. I'd be willing to bet there were sexual advances made by him and she shut him down leading to his behavior. She just never told you and didn't want you to find out. She's hiding something or why would she specifically tell you to not defend her from him?

Commenter 4: He’s obviously the AH. He was pushing all the buttons he could to try and have what happened happen. I don’t think you were out of line for not taking his shit anymore, however you should have only addressed his rudeness displayed while at your house, you should NOT under any circumstances have brought up the stuff your wife told you about him in confidence. You messed up there and owe her an apology. Good luck!

: February 19, 2025 (next day)

Not sure how to update properly so I left a comment and did a new post as well. Sorry if that's overkill. Also, sorry for the rambling on my post lol. I reread my post and agree with you guys, I did add some useless info. I'm a better speaker than writer lol. Also, my wife and I read all the comments and we actually enjoyed reading them. Even though some were kind of mean, she came to the realization that she needed to be more assertive and not be "spineless" as some people so generously called her.

As I mentioned before, this happened in the summer. The day after was everything happened, we both apologized to each other and asked her to give me a full rundown of Dick from when she used to be in his department because there's no way someone has that much hatred for someone without reason. So he did try to make advances on her when she first joined, but not only her, but a bunch of other female coworkers, some of who were at the party. She shot him down multiple times and went to HR with her coworkers to file complaints and Dick's behavior did stop. However, he was now having her manager giving a ton of work to do. She was working long hours but it ended up working in her favor because the other departments manager noticed her workload and her ability finish it with out mistakes and pretty much poached her to join her team. So from then till she got promoted to Director, about 6 years, she had very few interactions with him. It's only when she got promoted to Director, she was forced to interact. My wife, Dick, and the Senior Director Tim, would have meetings every morning. She said he never really acted badly towards her but he would always downplay any suggestions she had or outright ignore it. She thought if she invited him to the party, maybe that would change his behavior and "bury the hatchet". She realizes that it was really stupid to assume that would happen.

My wife did tell me that when she saw everyone at work, they told her not to worry and a bunch of them were happy someone finally did something to him. Some were hoping for more but happy regardless. She said that made her feel better because she thought they would see her in a bad light, which I don't know why, but my wife is an overthinker.

She wrote a complaint to HR for harassment against Dick and he did the same thing, but against me. HR didn't do anything for either of them. She got an email saying because this happened off of company property and this was not a company sponsored event, no action needs to be taken by the company and any disputes that happened needs to be taken care by the individual. She was worried that Dick would sue or call the cops but nothing happened in a month so we assumed he just gave up on it. During the meetings, Dick would just stay quiet after my wife spoke as opposed to giving condescending remarks like he usually did.

I haven't seen or spoken to Dick since the party but my wife asked me to come to the company Christmas party where I saw Dick but he ignored us. I met Tim and when my wife introduced me, he said something along the lines of "Thanks for coming. Please don't drag me across the room. I'm very nice to your wife". My wife and I burst out laughing and I realized Dick had become the butt of the jokes. Apparently, people at work started doing a collar grabbing motion behind Dick's back.

The reason it got brought up again recently was because my wife told me a couple days ago that he put his two weeks in. I joked we should throw a party but she felt bad because she feels like he quit because of her. I told her that she didn't do anything wrong and anything that happened to Dick after the party, was on him. Nothing would've happened if he just kept his mouth shut. She understands but she still feels bad. My wife is a very empathetic person, even to people who don't deserve it.

So might not be the ending some of you were hoping for but it worked out for us. We still joke around about being dragged across the room here and there but overall, everything ended the best way for us.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in and and

Concluded as per OOP

2 updates - Long

- 24th August 2024

- 16th September 2024

- 17th October 2024

1 New Update

- 16th March 2025

WIBTA for refusing to raise my husband's affair children now that he and the woman he cheated with passed away?

Sorry for using a new account, I know that's a red flag, but I don't want to risk using my old reddit account.

My (45F) husband (49M) of 23 years had an affair with a twenty-years old girl since 2020. I found out this year when his affair partner gave birth to twin boys in March. Obviously we were going to divorce. We've been hashing things out since, it's been a lengthy process due some properties in common and we needed to get an accountant since he used the shared account for his affair. Finally things seemed to be getting close to the end when both my husband and the woman he cheated with were killed in a car crash.

By some miracle the twin babies were not harmed in the crash. Now they are orphaned and neither set of grandparents can take them in permanently. My husband's parents are both in assisted living, he has no siblings and the only aunt that could take them refuses. She's been childfree her whole life. On the woman's side, I'm not sure the details in full, but her parents are also not able to be involved long term and the one sister she has lives overseas.

Since we were still married and he had not updated his will, all his assets are set to pass to me and our two children. I'm not callous enough to leave those babies with nothing, so I agreed to let whoever is their legal guardian to have the remaining balance in the shared account. About twenty-five thousands in savings.

The issue is no one wants to take them in. Now my in-laws are pressuring me to take them in and raise them. The issue is, I don't want to. At all. I wouldn't love them and I don't want to be the evil stepmother. But I know a big part of me will always have a level of resentment towards them. I will probably favor my own children.

It's not their fault, but I truly loved my husband and I thought we were happy before I found out about the affair. We have two daughters (14 and 16). Obviously we had disagreements, but never insulted each others before. Then I found out about the affair and he began calling me names and blaming me for his cheating. He became abusive and even tried to kick me of the house, my childhood home that is not shared property for the record. I'm also raising teenagers alone now. I don't have the energy to raise babies anymore.

My daughters hate their baby brothers. I tried to get them to spend time with their dad as we were divorcing, but they refused. Since this all was found out because of the babies, there wasn't really a way to sugar coat the situation. And they are also too old to really get away with it.

Most of my friends agree its not my place to care for those children, but my in-laws, the affair woman's parents and my mother want me to raise them. I know my mom is just having grandkids' fever, but it hurts to not have her support.

I have to make a decision by next week or the boys will be going into foster care. At the moment they are temporarily placed with their maternal grandparents. I feel horrible, but I am very sure I can't take them in.

WIBTA if I refused to take them in?

Small update:

Hey everyone, this blew up far more than I thought, and I appreciate the well wishes for my girls, the boys and myself. Also for the amount of lovely people offering to see about giving the twins a good home. I might not be their mother, but it does touch me and makes me glad there's good people out there.

After thinking carefully and speaking to my lawyer, reading responses, doing research, etc. I plan to speak to the grandparents tomorrow and refuse to take legal guardianship of the boys. I will let them know of the usernames of people that offered meeting for private adoptions or fostering, but my daughters are my priority. It'll be up to the twins' grandparents to decide if they'll proceed with adoption, keep them, or turn them to the state. I wish I had the mental capacity to be the person to do this, but I have two girls that are going through a lot and they need my full attention.

I'll also be talking to the lawyers to figure out if the boys have any inheritance claim properly. If they do, I'll separate it and leave it to the lawyers to do what they need to do for them to have access when its best. If they don't, I'll find a way to ensure they have access to the 25k I was going to give them since the beginning. I won't do more, however. My moral compass might be biased, but I don't believe I'm obligated neither morally nor legally to do more than what the word of law says. I can't help everyone and I shouldn't have to. I have two girls that lost their father, two girls that need therapy, two girls just about to get to college. They've gone through enough without seeing their mother favor the children of their father's mistress.

Second Update:

Hey everyone.

So as I said two nights ago, I went yesterday to speak to the twin's grandparents. I explained my position and refused to take guardianship of the boys. My mother-in-law almost slapped me when I said that, but thankfully this was all done in a public place and my father-in-law stopped her. The maternal grandparents kept pleading for me to raise them since they didn't want to lose them. I kept saying no, and when they called me selfish, I lost it.

I told them to their face the only selfish people in this mess were them and their son and daughter. Their son, my husband, for cheating and then making the divorce hell on me and my girls. Their daughter because she was a wh*re (I used another word) that went after a married man twice her age. I told them if I heard from them again, I would request a cease and desist. I also informed my parents-in-law that they won't have access to my daughters for the foreseeable future. I'll explain why in a bit.

We were at a restaurant, but I didn't stay for the meal. I also sent an email to my lawyer so he can ensure CPS and any agency involved in the welfare of the twins is aware I'm not going to be their guardian or be involved. Then I sent an email to my in-laws with all the usernames and websites from people here in reddit that have offered to do interviews for the twins adoption. I won't be involved beyond this point, so please as lovely as it is, I can't help you if you are interest in the boys. Yesterday was the end of my involvement.

As for why my in-laws won't see my girls, I spoke to my daughters and decided to find out more about their thoughts before I went to meet the grandparents. My youngest refused to speak to me, which I found very out of place for her. My eldest then ask for just the two of us to speak. That's when she explained that my in-laws had been going on about how the girls need to get ready to go to public school instead of their private school and to get jobs right out of high school since I will have to provide the twins with private schooling and college money. Apparently they also were told to start moving their stuff to share a room, my girls have separate rooms, since the twins need more space. This was not known to me. Mostly cause that would never happen. Apparently my in-laws have been basically bullying the girls because 'the babies take priority'. Yeah, that's not happening.

I told the girls that their grandparents have no say in where they go to school, their college funds, or how the rooms are set in our house. Also that I do agree they could use a part-time job during college and maybe a scholarship, but their tuition will be paid. I told them not to blame the babies for the stupidity of the adults. They told me they understand, but they still don't want to interact with their brothers for now. That 'for now' part gives me hope they'll get through things.

For now we're going to do some changes in the house. The girls and I both don't like there's still an office space that my husband used. We're going to make it into a gaming room for all of us. I plan to take down some pictures that have my husband in them and put them in albums for the girls. We just want to make the house more ours.

As for people wondering why my girls wanted nothing to do with their father: My daughters were the ones that discovered the affair and told me when my husband took them to meet the twins at the hospital. He had asked them to keep it secret, but my girls told me. After that, my husband began treating them horribly too. He burnt all bridges with the girls.

Very tiny update since there's some people who keep harrassing me in PMs:

I spoke to a lawyer on Monday. The boys have no inheritance claim until a DNA test is done. After that, their only claim is against my in-laws. The shared account is not considered my husband's individual property, so its mine. Same with the lake house. Since he had a PERSONAL savings account and a life insurance, which went to his parents, that will be the only thing the boys could claim. Obviously this can be changed if it goes to trial, but the lawyer told me with how little my husband left my girls and I, there's very little chance a judge will demand our assets. The lawyer also recommended me to completely end the idea of sharing any money with the boys. That could be used against me to claim I'm taking fiscal responsibility for them and should be considered to be their guardian. I'm dividing the money from the shared account for my daughter's college tuitions. I'm still unsure if I'll sell the lake house or not, but neither the girls nor I are attached to it. Now, please leave me alone about the boys' inheritance. Sad as it is, my husband messed everything up for his children. I'm not responsible for them nor do I have to sacrifice my assets to set them up for a better life.

Another update:

There's some good news and some annoying news. The good news is the boys were safely retrieved by CPS from their maternal grandparents and will be placed in foster care until a permanent arrangement is made. I found out when it happened since their grandparents, and my mother, came to scream at me at work. In all honesty, I'm glad this happened at work and not at home. It's made me consider moving, since I don't want my daughters exposed to any of this.

An annoyance I had very soon after was getting a called about my 'inquiries into fostering and adopting'. Apparently my information was sent to CPS as someone interested in fostering the twins and eventually adopting. I immediately explained the situation between the grandparents and me, and the operator was speechless at first. She apologized for the situation and told me she would make sure I wasn't bothered about the process.

I also got served this morning. My in-laws are suing for grandparents' rights. They are also suing for custody. Apparently they are planning to leave their assisted living, which they really shouldn't, to buy a house that allows kids to get the twins back and now also want custody of my daughters.

My personal lawyer immediately gave me some instructions I won't share to safeguard myself and my daughters from some risks during a possible custody battle. My lawyer and I both suspect my in-laws want the girls to parentified them as caretakers for the twins since my in-laws have mobility limitations. It will be a cold day in hell before that happens. I don't see CPS placing the boys with them to begin with.

Not all is bad news. I'm starting therapy next week and my eldest daughter is once again speaking about the colleges she wants to go to. We still haven't really talk about their father or have them agree to visit his grave, I myself haven't gone there and I'm trying really hard to get used to not calling him 'my husband' anymore. I had nothing to do with the funeral plans aside paying bills and from what I heard his parents had the epitaph: "Devouted and beloved husband, father, and son" written on it. I find it a joke. I know its bad to hold to so much anger and resent, but as soon as I have time, I plan to change his tombstone to remove 'husband and father'. It might sound petty, but I refuse to speak well of a cheater and abuser just because he's dead. My daugters deserved better, and so did I.

And for anyone complaining about me changing the tombstone, I paid for everything at the end. So, stick your complains you know where.

I don't think I'll post another update until the whole mess with the grandparents' right lawsuit is resolved. So to the kind people that have send support to me and my daughters, thank you so much. Maybe I'll have good news in the future, but for now I'm going back to my old reddit account.

Small disclaimer: To the person that PM that I will regret not adopting the twins, I don't regret it one bit. Please either post a public message or leave me alone. I don't deal with cowards that use PMs to avoid being judged.

Comments

mayd3r

Does everyone forget that you're a single mom with two kids and they want to add you two more, and babies at that? Tell them to kick rocks.

OkExternal7904

They're only 5 months old if I read that correctly. Wouldn't it be great if some lovely couple who've been waiting and waiting to adopt could be considered to be their parents? It's very sad if they can't be with bio family, but that's how it worked out. They could still be loved and have a great life. OP, is not the asshole.

Neenknits

Kids that young, whose parents died, should be adoptable, rather than going to foster care, well, not long term foster care. Whoever is their guardian, should be arranging that. It’s not OP.

My mother has been shaming me since I got married and now is trying to marry out my MINOR daughters - 1 month later

I can't believe I ever had to make a post about my mother, but here we are.

My (45F) mother (71F) have a difficult relationship. My mother was a old school traditional wife. She was a home maker, never did any work outside the house, had far more kids than what I think is healthy, seven girls and six boys. She is originally from Guatemala and came to the US when she was 14. She married my father here, had her family here, and tried to make sure myself and my siblings had old school values. Something she really failed at it.

Most of my siblings are as far from my mother as humanely possible. Two of them sadly passed away. I'm the only one that stayed near to take care of my parents and since Dad died, I've taken my mother's bills so she can live easy. She's always been a dramatic headache, especially when it came to my marriage. She babied my husband. Always took his side. I only wanted one kid, but my husband wanted as many as biologically possible (he had told me he also only wanted one when we talked about marriage). My mother helped him mess with my birth control so I got pregnant with my youngest. I don't regret my youngest daughter, but after she was born, I secretly had my tubes tied. My mother always berated me for being 'faulty' since I only had two children. That's not counting how she berated me for marrying old. I married at 22, she married at 16.

My husband was 49 when he died in a car crash recently. We shared two daughters, 14 and 16. He was also having an affair with a girl since 2020. The girl was 24 when she died. Together they had twin boys early this year who thankfully survived the crash. My daughters found out the affair first, when their father took them to the hospital to meet the babies and told the girls to keep it secret from me. They didn't and my husband became abusive towards them and myself. We were in the divorce process when he died.

When my husband's affair came out, my mother blamed me. She said it was because I was working woman that didn't please her husband. That I didn't give him enough children. That I was pretty anymore. I'm not going to say I'm super attractive, but I think I look good for my age. I've kept my weight well enough and I look relatively young for my actual age. But no, according to my dear mother, I wasn't good enough for my husband who needed a girl closer in age to our daughters than to him. She also was on the group of people angry at me when I refused to adopt my husband's affair children.

Her newest crazy is she's trying to find husbands for my daughters. Mainly focused on my eldest. This crazy plan started this week when my eldest came out to us. I had an idea, and I'm happy she felt comfortable enough in this massive mess we're in to still tell me and her sister. My daughter also decided to tell my mother about it. My mother just ended the call. Then called me to scream about how confused and sick my daughter is. She's linked me conversion camps, psychologists that claim homosexuality is a sickness (wackos in my opinion), political articles, etc. She even wanted to see about doing an exorcism. I told her to stop it or she would be in no contact with my in-laws.

She stopped for literally 24 hours. Next thing I get is a facebook message from a man in his mid 20s asking if it was true that I was looking to marry out my SIXTEEN years old daughter. I told him he was sick and blocked him. I got six more through the night. Then my mother called saying she found husband prospects for my girls. My highschool aged girls. Angry has been an undestatement.

She even gave some of these men my daughters' cellphone numbers. We're all getting new phone numbers tomorrow and I had the girls put their social medias into private.

I don't know what part of the brain is broken in my mother's brain. I had the girls block their grandmother in everything and I'm stopping payments to anything that my mother needs. I know I need to call the cops. I just never thought I would need to call the cops on my own mother. It's been only two weeks since I had to cut my in-laws. I'm just exhausted.

And please, do not think this is a normal Hispanic thing. It's not. My aunts are amazing women, most of them also home makers. They are actually on my side of cutting off my mother and calling the cops. They even suggested for my daughters and I to move closer to them in another state. This is just my mother being insane.

Small update: We went to the police today and they took all the information I had. The officer we spoke was incredible and immediately helped my lawyer with all that was needed for a temporary RO. We'll be filing it this week and hopefully get it within the month. After we'll focus on a permanent RO. This is on my mother and any third parties on her behalf.

The officer was also kind enough to offer to check on us and our house at least once a day. School has also been notified of the situation and one of my brothers is going to come live with my daughters and I until we decide if/where/when we move. I can't just up an pack everything since I still have a job and my girls are in the middle of the school year. For now we're safe and my girls have new phone numbers.

Update: So some good news came out today regarding my mother. As of November 2024 she will be on her own monetarily. There's also an investigation on her regarding what she tried to do to my daughters and a very old investigation reopened about a family matter I can't really speak on for the time being.

Because of the charges on my mother, we might get an expedite on that restraining order since there's minors involved, so fingers crossed. The RO will also keep some others from contacting me, mainly in-laws.

On other news, after talking to my daughters, the three of us agree we don't really like our house anymore. It makes me a bit sad because it was my childhood home and a gift from my dad, but the reality is there's too much baggage. I look at some places and it feels like the ghost of my husband's infidelity is everywhere. My girls don't like that we're so close to their grandparents and my brother who's moved in with us has been very blunt about the fact that the house is just not worth the stress. So as painful as it is, I'm planning to do some repairs and either sell or rent it out. It's a big house, 9 bedrooms, so far more space than we ever need. I'll be happy with half that so my girls can have their own room and I can have an office.

My brother will also stay living with us after we move. Not sure if is a 'forever' situation, but he's a good support for my eldest daughter when it comes to LGBTQ+ matters. I have to admit I know the bare facts, while my brother is gay and came out almost thirty years ago. He's been a fount of advice about resources and given her advice, especially after my mother's stunt.

My youngest has also started to do better. She's back to talking as usual and seems less scared about going out. She's been very excited about looking for a new house with me. She wants the 'perfect yard'. So, we'll see what we can find. My job offered a transfer out of state (also an international transfer but that one is more likely a no for me). So a new beginning will do us good.

That's all what I got. Not much actual 'updates' as much as settling my mind on some decisions after reading advice here and talking it through with people in my life. As of November, I'm officially refusing to acknowledge my mother. As far as I know, my parents were gone after my father died.

Comments

WhereWeretheAdults

She gave them your daughters numbers? Call the police. Get them new numbers. I would seriously consider taking the aunts up on their offer. She just put your entire family in danger because she has to be in charge. She's already made your life hell, now she's targeting your kids. Full on Mama-Bear time.

lapsteelguitar

With emphasis on the “bear” part. All teeth & claws. WTF is wrong with your mother, their grandmother?

fresh-dork

yeah, this is felony level insanity. gramma's gone off the chain

BarbaraQsRibs

Grandma is attempting to sex traffic OP’s underage children.

Update - 1 month later

Hey everyone, some people have been asking me for updates, and to be sincere, I had nothing until today.

To start things, cousins from my ex-husband's side of the family took the boys in. I know them, they are lovely and I know they'll give the twins a great life. The new parents (calling them Matt and Kim) talked to my daughters and let them know if they ever want to reach out to their half-brothers, they just have to call. Otherwise, they can just see them as distant cousins. My girls thanked them, but insisted they don't really want a sibling relationship at this time, but that maybe as cousins it will be okay.

I did offer them the money from the shared account since they are family and they said not to worry since they don't need it. Kim even insisted I used that money for a vacation for my girls and I. Apparently I look like the living dead. They also set very strict lines with my in-laws and the parents of my ex's affair partner. They can see the boys, but they won't be seen as grandparents. This apparently caused a big fight with the AP's parents. Matt and Kim then cut them off.

Again, threats of 'suing for grandparent's rights' were thrown around, but it went nowhere. That's how I found out why the AP's parents couldn't take the boys permanently. The father is a convicted felon in an abuse case. I won't share the details out of respect, but if what Matt and Kim told me is true, I am glad the boys won't grow up with that man as an example. The only reason his wife had temp guardianship was because of the sudden death of the parents and the process to find a relative to raise the boys. She would have had to live away from her husband to allow permanent custody, and she wasn't willing to do so.

My ex-inlaws did figure threats were not going to work, so they agree to be 'great-uncles' instead. Good for them, I guess. They now want me to let them live with me and the girls since they left assisted living recently and now the place they were in doesn't have opening. This place has a long waitlist and the only reason they got in originally was because my ex and I offered to pay 5 years in full. They still had 2 full years paid left and I was going to pay for them. After everything they put my daughters and me through, I rather burn money in a grill than spend it on them.

I know they want my girls and I to be their caretakers. I won't even consider it. My daughters have their of paths to follow and in all honesty, I want to consider meeting someone new. I know it sounds like I'm moving on too quick, but I've been working to move on since I found out about the affair. I don't think my ex deserves me to go through a 'mourning period'. I already mourned our relationship. At least that's what my eldest daughter said, funny enough. She's been encouraging me to go out and meet someone.

We still have that custody lawsuit from my ex-inlaws going and a few other issues that I will update when I have more, but I wanted to at least let everyone know the boys are safe and together.

Comments

maroongrad

You and your daughters sound actually really well-adjusted. I'm glad the boys landed in a safe place and can still have some sort of friendly family relationship with their half-sisters. I think this is beyond my best expectations for this event, and I am happy for everyone. Especially for the soon-to-be-homeless/not in as nice a home ones :D

OOP: They should be well enough monetarily to afford a new place, so they'll be fine. They might be horrid, but if they were to go homeless, I would put the money to at least get them a relatively comfortable facility. It's really up to them what they do now, though.

maroongrad

And best of all...it's 100% No Longer Your Circus Or Monkeys :D Any time you think about helping them out/spending money on them, take the cash you'd have spent on them and invest it into savings for your kids :)

OOP: That's really the plan. My brother and I are talking about some plans for investment, so we'll see how it goes. If it goes well, my girls might have a good start to adult life.

lizzyote

if they were to go homeless, I would put the money to at least get them a relatively comfortable facility.

Honestly, I'd rethink this stance. You tried to ensure they weren't homeless before and they still tried to make sure they'd be homeless in order to get you to take them in. They seem like the type that's completely willing to shoot themselves in the foot, repeatedly, if it means a chance at manipulating you.

OOP: If they had not received my ex's personal savings and life insurance, I would feel obligated. But they received a lot of money from him. Enough to live comfortable if they don't squander it. Now, if they do squander it, its on them. Again the hypothetical scenario would be if they were without means from the get go.

Neither-Entrance-208

They squandered 2 fully paid years at the previous place you set them up. I know paying 5 years in advance was a lot of money just to get them a spot quick in any type of retirement community.

They are capable of taking care of their needs right now if they act wisely, but they haven't been wise at all.

Like they told your girls they had to share a bedroom and move all their stuff when your house has 9 bedrooms! Be for real. They are not here making your life easier. If it was me, if only help then out as much as my children forgive them for their atrocious actions. They are literally nothing to you anymore, but they might be to your kids.

Keep all these crazy grandparents away from your babies. They might almost be adults, but they need you the most now. Teens to young adults is so much more in need of guidance than I even thought they would be and my kids aren't even dealing with close to the steamy crap their father dumped on them

New Update

My ex-MIL sent her Church friends to harass my daughters and I. I have now exposed her family to her church community and she's getting shamed and shunned at Church - 5 months later

My (46F) daughters (17 and 15) have a strained relationship with my ex-husband's parents (78M and 80F). My ex passed away in an accident last year and we've had some major family drama since due his cheating and him leaving two boys born with his affair partner orphaned. She also died. Part of the drama has been my ex-inlaws trying to get custody of my daughters and them also trying to live with us. First one we're going to court over, second one will never happen.

Where we live there's a weekend market with fresh produce, eggs, meats, and other products straight from farmers. This week was extra special since it was my youngest' birthday. Since her party is later in the month, I decided to give her a budget and set her loose on the market to get whatever she wanted. Mostly chocolate and sweets.

After an hour, I did start getting worried, and just before I called her, she called me. She was crying, saying some weird people have cornered her. I ran to her with my oldest daughter to find six older women berating my daughter for being 'unChristian' for refusing to spend time with her paternal Grandparents or for wanting to be 'a good big sister to her poor orphaned baby brothers'. My daughters are the ones that found out about my ex cheating and the babies, so they aren't fond of the kids. It's trauma and they are working with a therapist.

I got between the group and my daughter, telling my eldest to go pay the stuff her sister had and to go to the car. Then I turned to the women, some who I knew from when we went to my ex-inlaws' church, and rip them a new one. They told me I was worst for refusing to obey my ex-inlaws 'like a good Christian wife'. Barf. Eventually the screaming turn too loud and we were all asked to leave the market. I met with my girls in the car, the women following me like a group of vultures. I managed to get in the car and drove away.

After my girls went to bed, I got online to talk to another member of that church that I'm in good terms. I told him about what happened and after he apologized, he told me what was going on. My ex-mother-in-law posted this massive story in the church's facebook group about how horrible my daughters and I are, how we are leaving them homeless and penniless (they inherited my ex' personal bank account and his life insurance), and how my daughters don't even talk to them. She also accused us of being the reasons she lost her grandsons. The boys are now living with distant relatives of my ex-husband. Basically, it was a sob story worthy of a Hallmark movie. And of course, they were getting all the love and support from the more extremist members of their church.

This church and its members are a bit annoying especially with LGBTQ+ topics, but they have a small saving grace. They are incredibly strict about cheating. It's a big no-no, be it from a husband or a wife equally. Now, how did she get around blaming me about affair children without exposing the cheating? She claimed the other woman was our surrogate since I was unable to have more children. Then said I didn't want the babies because they were boys. Which is absolutely disgusting to be accused of.

Well, I decided it was time to clean up this mess and since I was mid-divorce when my ex died, I had all the evidence needed. And since the divorce wasn't completed, I don't have any legal ramification for releasing all the evidence.

I was off the next day and went to a print shop to get copies of all the delightful pictures of my ex cheating, his text conversations with his affair partner, the ones with his parents confessing to his cheating and getting support from them, my ex-inlaws harassing me about the divorce, and my coup-de-grace: all the emails and text messages of them bullying my daughters about their baby brothers. In one of them they call my daughters 'bastards' and telling them it was their fault their father died since they told me about the affair and I began the divorce. This one was literally two days after my ex died.

I paid extra for all of this to be printed in beautiful high quality paper. Then when I got home, I sat down for hours to make delightfully personalized binders. They look like the little prayer song packets the church give for everyone to take to sing hymns. The first picture when opening the binders is my ex and his side woman making out in our living room. Their faces are easy to discern and the girl looks nothing like me. Different skin tones and hair color. Underneath I wrote: 'Ex-husband's name' and 'Affair girl's name' love story. I took them to the church before service. There's a desk in the back with the song books for people that need/forget their own, and they never check them.

The gossip mill was quick and harsh. The names my ex and his affair partner got called in the facebook were so bad the pastor himself had to get involved just to keep things relatively PG-13. People were angry at my ex-inlaws for their abused to my daughters, but what made me laugh was that I was still in the wrong for the divorce, but 'it is understandable that I failed on my duties after the shock and I possibly will one day return to the light, unlike my cheating husband and his Jezebel'. They used another word I can't use here, I imagine. I got two apology letters in the mail for my girl and an invitation to join the church for 'support'.

As for my ex-inlaws? They got shamed into leaving the church. My ex-mother-in-law made a post on her wall about how alienated she feels and how no one cares for the elderly anymore. How she wished her 'great son' was still alive since he would have taken care of her and her husband. With what money, I don't know, since I was the bread winner.

Explanation on the will: My ex-husband had a will that named his parents as beneficiaries. As far as I was aware, he had told me he had named our daughters, not them. I never pushed for ME to be the beneficiary as my own will has my daughters as the beneficiaries, not him.

Comments

chill_stoner_0604

Hitting religious zealots with proof of hypocrisy is always hilarious. The others will immediately exile them as the "public Christian image" is too important

AccomplishedLeave50

A bunch of old religious women accosting children in a market and shaming them in the name of their religion? This is just straight up fucking handmaids tale shit. America is so so broken. The whole story is insane - but the OP doesn't even seem to grasp just how utterly broken society has to have become to allow this 15th century garbage in the first place.

HairyHorux

So fun fact: somebody did a study of estranged parent forums and estranged (grown up) children forums to compare and contrast the attitudes therein. The adults always post vague stories and emphasise the emotions they are feeling (eg. x child won't talk to me and this makes me feel bad). The children post evidence (eg. this is why I don't speak to my parents posts screenshotted email chain).

recercar

It's called missing missing reasons and it's disturbingly accurate for a lot of people yeah.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am NOT OOP. OOP is

Originally posted to

Becoming a legal guardian to my adult cousin who doesn't seem to have a legal existence?

Previous originally posted by

Trigger Warnings: death of a parent, neglect, struggles with poverty

Mood Spoilers: positive

Editor's note: adding relevant comments for more context that were not in the original post of the previous original BoRU

: February 14, 2020

The whole situation is a huge mess, so I'll have to describe it in length. Apologies for the wall of text.

This is about my cousin, let's call him Jimmy. Jimmy is a developmentally disabled adult. He's in his late 40s but has the cognitive abilities of an 8 year old child. He has always lived with his mother, she took care of him until she passed suddenly at the beginning of last year. Jimmy isn't capable of holding a real job, he does odd jobs for people in town and on the nearby farms and gets paid cash. He and his Mom lived on what little cash he brought home and what I suppose was his Mom's Social Security from how he describes it. They were very poor but were capable of buying the basic necessities, and their neighbors gave them second-hand clothes or things they didn't need anymore. From what I understand his Mom owned their house, which is quite small and in a derelict state, and some land were they have a few chicken and a garden where they grow vegetables. They are simple people from a rural area who live on very little.

Jimmy is partially capable of living on his own, that is, he can do some basic cooking, do the laundry, the housecleaning and the groceries if it's a store he knows. He also takes care of the chicken and the garden. But he can't drive, can barely read, and is not really capable of functionning in an environment he doesn't know. He can't take care of anything like paying the bills, filing taxes, he doesn't have a bank account or anything like that. He's also shy and afraid of strangers. He keeps his cash in a box and knows not to spend more than he has but doesn't really have a fine grasp of how money works. I should add that he's the kindest person I know and a hardworking man who never complains about anything.

After his Mom's passing, Jimmy stayed alone in their home, with no one to take care of him. He has lived there since then, about a year ago. I was out of state for years and only just came back and decided to go see how he was doing. I was shocked to see that although he has organized his life the best he could, he lives in absolute poverty. There's no working AC in his home, and no heating to speak of. He hasn't paid the bills, probalby doesn't know how to, so he has no electricity and no phone. Thankfully he has a well he can pump water from. He keeps himself clean but with no hot water. It's like he was living in the 19th century. He survives on what little he makes doing odd jobs, buys some groceries and eats the vegetables he grows and eggs from his chicken, but it's not enough to feed him properly, especially in the winter. It seems that he's been left to live alone after his mom died and has not reached out for help, and no one has given him a hand either. I was very surprised that he wasn't visited by Adult Protective Services or anything like that after his Mom's passing, he clearly needs help and is not capable of asking for it.

He needs a guardian but doesn't have one. His mother was his actual guardian but that was never made official. He always lived with her and it looks like she never took any disposition about what would become of him after she died. She was a loving mother but she wasn't very socially adapted herself. I and my siblings are the last family he has. I'd like to become his guardian because I think he needs help but I know that he needs to go on living like he's used to, because removing him from his house would kill him. I don't think there's any way Adult Protective Services will let him live in his house but that's what he needs, with help from a guardian of course. His whole life revolves around his garden, his animals, fishing and taking long walks in the woods. He's capable of organizing his life in the conditions he's used to. However he completely shuts down when he's with strangers in places he doesn't know, I've witnessed that. Putting him in a home somewhere would be terrible for him. I inherited a house in a nearby town and I'm planning to settle there, so I could check on him, he seems to be OK with that. I've reached out to his Mom's church's pastor and he thinks he could have church members organize a "watch" to go see him regularly and help him.

I thought I would help him get help from services, and help him file for SSDI because he's physically fit to work but can't realistically hold a job and he is disabled. But as I did so I wasn't able to find an ID, a birth certificate, a SSN or anything. I searched the whole house thoroughly but couldn't find anything. He doesn't have a driving license, or any kind of ID. He's never filed taxes or anything official like that. He has no idea what a birth certificate even is. I'm starting to suspect that Jimmy's mother never bothered to register his birth. That wouldn't be so surprising coming from her.

So I have a lot of questions :

1. How can I legally become my cousin's guardian?

2. How do I proceed to find if he has a birth certificate somewhere, and a legal exsitence?

3. If he doesn't, how can he be registered?

4. What services can a disabled adult in his situation receive?

5. Jimmy's Mom owned their house, so I suppose he automatically inherited it as her next of kin. However I couldn't find a copy of a deed in the house. Where could I get that? And how do I make sure that Jimmy is/becomes the rightful the owner of his house and can stay in it? It would be a nightmare for him if he had to leave his land.

Edit: we're in Oklahoma

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: You need a family law attorney that specializes in guardianship cases to handle this. Your wall of text isn't even close to enough information to give you a super accurate picture, and the only way for you to navigate this with as little damage as possible to Jimmy is by attorney.

1. You can legally become your cousin's guardian by petitioning the court for guardianship. You will have to take a class on what that means, and potentially do some extensive paperwork. Sadly, there will be no way to accomplish this easily as Jimmy will have to be evaluated for guardianship (because he likely was never formally assigned a guardian by the state). This means going to mental health professionals, visits from APS, many many people will enter his life if only briefly to evaluate if he is safe, competent, etc. Without a lawyer, and no guardian, the state will have to immediately take him out of the situation he is currently in if they determine he is mentally unable to care for himself (which is likely given your description of his living conditions without power). With a lawyer, you may still have this problem, but the lawyer could potentially mitigate the issues.

2. If you have his birthday, you can find out this information. It would also be helpful to have his mother's death certificate as it provides information that would be helpful in researching (date of birth, full name, etc.. This will cost at most a few hundred dollars with a manual record search in the county birth registry, likely it would be less.

3. You would petition the court to do this with the county birth registry, there is a process for doing this that would be easier with a court order.

4. There are many many services he would be entitled to as a disabled adult. Too many to list and they all have complicated hoops to jump through to qualify.

5. Start with the property appraiser's office to get the information the county has on the property, this will allow you to do a title/deed search with county records. As a guardian, you could put the house into probate as the agent of the sole heir and get it transferred to him.

All this is to say that while Jimmy may enjoy living in his own little world, you would need to seriously understand that societally this is viewed very negatively. During his evaluation, a caseworker may decide that Jimmy can not live on his own, and a judge is almost always going to then follow that determination. You're doing the right thing trying to step up, just be prepared for how different the landscape may look at the end of the journey.

OOP: Thank you for your detailed answer, much appreciated. Yes I'm aware things may not go the way I imagine. I'm torn honestly. I can't let him live in his current conditions, it would be cruel and downright neglect. I'm mad that his neighbors let him live like that and didn't do anything. On the surface he looks like he manages, and he's proud of his perceived independence, but when you know him you know he needs help.

A the same time if he has to move he will hate it. I convinced him to stay with me for a while in the house I'm renovating but after four days he said he wanted to go home and I couldn't convince him otherwise. I haven't found a good solution yet.

As for your first point, you're right of course, but I know Jimmy will hate being prodded by social workers and doctors. I know it's for his own good but he can be very stubborn and it's going to be tough. I hope they let me or someone he trusts be with him for this.

Edit: I must add that I have paid his bills and given him food and blankets so his conditions are a little less dire but there's still a lot of work to do in the house.

Commenter 2: Consider having him visit your home for one or two days every week. He may become more comfortable there with time.

If he's required to leave his home, that would make the transition less stressful for him.

OOP: It might be a solution indeed. I'm quite willing to let him live with me on my property if he wants.

Commenter 3: I would come up with some tasks he can do at your new house. It may take his mind of of wanting to go home. Hopefully any social workers and doctors would be willing to meet him and build some trust before trying to treat him. Best of luck. I hope it works out for you. You are an amazing person.

OOP: I definitely plan to hire him to help me renovate my house. He's a surprisingly good handyman. My hope is that if he renovates a room with bath and a kitchen for himself, he'd be willing to live there.

: March 10, 2020 (almost one month later)

This is an update to because people were worrying about my cousin and kindly asking for news (I hope this one doesn't break the rules of the sub).

First the good news: I've found an arrangement with my cousin, it took a lot of persuasion but he agreed to spend his nights at my place while we do some badly needed repairs to his house. At least he has a warm and safe place to sleep and I can make sure he has a real dinner. He develops anxiety when he needs to change his routine and this is a major change for him, I'm proud of him for being willing to try. I drop him at his house in the morning and either we do some work there or I go to work and he spends his day as he's used to, tending to his animals and his garden and hiking (he says he needs to hike every day, even in terrible weather, otherwise he feels "trapped" and gets nervous). Then I pick him up in the evening and we go to my place. He seems OK with this arrangement for now, I'm not sure how long it's going to last but for now we're fine. He's grieving his mother and spending time in the place where they lived together seems to comfort him, but I feel better knowing he's not spending his nights alone over there in a crumbling house.

Abous the rest, now: things are going to be complicated. I haven't been able to find anything about Jimmy's birth certificate in the county records. There isn't a deed for his house in the records either. I have no idea who could be the owner of this house and the land around it. I'm meeting with a lawyer soon to talk about the guardianship issues, and we'll need to discuss the rest too. I really hope that trying to become his guardian officially isn't going to do more harm than good, and that he won't end up losing his house or being forced to live somewhere else against his will. I'm afraid this is going to be an uphill battle but I'm ready.

: December 4, 2020 (almost nine months later)

Update to my post about my cousin Jimmy. First of all, warm thanks to all the people who checked on us. I'm here to share good news.

I finally got guardianship of my cousin after a hearing with a judge. It was a tedious process with lots of paperwork but it worked in the end. I hired a lawyer who was very helpful.

Jimmy and I received visits from social services and doctors to evaluate him. Jimmy was not really happy with this as talking to people he doesn't know gives him anxiety, but he did his best. He was formally evaluated for his disability, which had not been done since he was a kid. The social workers determined, as I had, that he couldn't stay in his home, but they agreed that he was safe with me. I was afraid they would remove him but they were really helpful and agreed that the best place for him is with me. He will also be receiving services from the state which will be a good thing, especially for his access to health care.

We finished renovating a room with a bathroom and a little kitchen for him in my house, this way he lives with me but he has privacy when he wants to be alone. He worked hard with me on this project and we're both quite happy with the result. He seems to have accepted that he couldn't spend his nights at his house anymore. We built a chicken coop and brought his chickens to my property (it was quite the fun transporting 11 chickens in a pick-up truck). He has also started to do some gardening and he helps me around the house. The house I'm renovating was in a very poor state so there's no shortage of work to be done. Jimmy keeps himself busy and he gets to exercise as much as he needs so he's feeling well. I still drive him to his house regularly so he can fish in the creek and hike on the paths he knows. We're exploring the nature near my home so he can find new places to hike.

On a side note we finally found Jimmy's birth certificate, with great difficulty because he was registered under his mother's maiden name and with a different first name. From what I heard from the few people who knew his parents when they were young, they didn't trust the government and came to live on an isolated farm to not be bothered by anyone. It looks like they tried to "hide" their son's birth by registering him under another name. It might have looked like a good idea at the time, but it certainly didn't help us.

Anyway I'm quite pleased with the way the situation turned out, Jimmy now has a safe place to stay and someone to take care of him and he looks happy with his new life.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is . They posted in

Original : March 18, 2025

This is a tough one and I’m genuinely curious to know what people think, so here goes.

I have a coworker called Caroline, who as you can guess, is disabled. She’s in a motorised wheelchair, and can’t really move a lot but is still very capable of her job (and a lovely, fun person in general btw!). We were talking on a break about dating and dating apps, how I had never used one and how she did, talking about her experiences. Casual conversation, really, and we were careful not to go into detail or anything or make each other uncomfortable till this came up.

She brought up how she didn’t disclose that she was in a wheelchair/disabled on her tinder bio because it tended to scare people off or make people uncomfortable when they chat through the app. This confused me because it’s very obvious she is in a wheelchair and if they went on a date in person they would find that out very fast - there is absolutely no way she can function in daily life without it, so she can’t exactly stash it nearby or something and just sit on a chair during the date.

She also told me that she does not tell them AT ALL until they show up to the date and see the fact she is in a wheelchair right in front of them.

Anyway, I, maybe stupidly, pointed out that is it not dishonest to not share that she is in a wheelchair on her bio, or disclose it to potential partners before meeting for the first time? She told me that everyone on dating apps lies about stuff so she didn’t see the big deal. I told Caroline that it’s not like hiding you have a twin or an accent or a particular way of looking, this is something that will heavily impact their dating life with you and they should be aware of that going in. She’s a wonderful person and shouldn’t feel awkward about it, and there are plenty of people out there who aren’t phased by their partners being in wheelchairs, so I didn’t think she should lie about it.

She went off in a huff saying I didn’t understand, but now I’m worried I’ve somehow been the asshole by telling her this. I know it’s not really my business and I never would have told her this if she didn’t ask me/hadn’t brought the subject up at all. I just didn’t want to lie to her about what I thought and I tried to be tactful but I think it blew up in my face. Am I the asshole?

Quick clarifications: she asked what I thought when she mentioned how she hid her disability on the app, I’m guessing she saw my surprise in my face when she said that. I would NEVER tell her, or anyone, my opinion on a delicate matter like this if they didn’t ask me first.

Some of OOP's Comments:

Commenter: NAH. You're entitled to your ideals and opinions, and she's entitled to hers. Her lived experience is that she gets far fewer tinder hits if she adds the information to her bio, so she opts to leave it out because she wants people to at least get to know her before rejecting her on that basis. Feel free to lay all your cards on the table in your personal tinder profile.

OOP: Yeah, I think she’s absolutely entitled to live the way she wants and I don’t really think she’s being a “bad” person in anyway for hiding the information on her tinder. She asked what I thought about it, I replied honestly but now I wonder if I’m a prick for telling the truth.

Commenter: NAH. I would recommend apologizing though.

Whoever she dates can decide for themselves if they want to continue seeing her after the first date. It’s not like she’ll be hiding this from them for 2 years and revel it right before the wedding.

OOP: Oh yeah I apologised immediately but she’s still in a huff with me, and now I just wonder if I should’ve kept my mouth shut tbh.

Commenter: "This confused me because it’s very obvious she is in a wheelchair and if they went on a date in person they would find that out very fast"

Have you considered that there is maybe a step or two between them reading her profile and them going on a date. I think it would be weird to not bring it up before meeting in person, but I think it's fine to leave it out of the profile and then bring it up in chat/messages or whatever. Some people would definitely not try and connect with someone with a disability, but be okay with it if they were clicking with the person.

OOP: Oh I get that entirely, don’t mistake me, the fact that confused me more is that she didn’t tell anyone anything till they met in person. If it were me, I’d want to know at least before showing up to the date - I know there’s plenty of chatting in between and then it’s not relevant but to say nothing at all and just let them be shocked on the day? That seems odd to me?

Commenter: For what it’s worth, I strongly agree with you. I can understand her perspective but it seems like she’s setting herself up for even more disappointment than those apps usually bring. I’ll be honest, I wouldn’t date someone in a wheelchair because there are a lot of things I like to do that would be off limits to do together. I’d have the same response to someone who was just uninterested in those activities. Obviously it’s different if you’re in a committed relationship and that person becomes disabled later on. I wouldn’t leave someone I love, that’s part of what you sign up for.

OOP: I worry more than anything that people would get angry/upset/lash out at her for not being straight up before the date about her disability.
Someone could really be violent about what they view as deception and she wouldn’t be able to defend herself.

Commenter: OK, but that’s for her to deal with. This kind of paternalism is something that disabled people have to deal with all the time and it’s always bang out of order unless they have asked you for your protection . I appreciate that she is your friend, but she is also a fully capable adult. Her legs don’t work, but her mind very clearly does.

She is making decisions based on her experiences connecting with people as a wheelchair user which you will never be able to understand unless you also become one. Your ideas about how she should conduct herself and move through the world, figuratively, not literally, don’t hold a lot of validity, because they’re based on some assumptions that are deeply rooted in ableist notions about what position disabled people should take socially.

OOP: (downvoted) I would say the exact same thing if a friend was posting fake pictures entirely on a dating app too. Her disability is irrelevant beyond that I recognise that her not disclosing it at least before the first date could spell a bad reaction and I would want her to be safe. If a friend was using fake pics for example, I would say the EXACT same thing.

Commenter: INFO: are you close personal friends? Have you hung out with her outside of work? Are you in a line of work where people discuss things this openly all the time?

Also, have you considered that disclosing wheelchair use can attract predators? As a disabled person, I would be very hesitant to use an app to meet people. There is no “good” time to disclose to a relative stranger that you are more physically, socially, or financially vulnerable than the average person.

OOP: (downvoted) We’re good friends outside of work, like we hang out and get dinner once a week and catch up about various personal interests we share - I wouldn’t have been perhaps as honest if I didn’t know her well.
She brought up the conversation to me first, talking about her date on the weekend before and how it went, which how the subject of online dating came up.
Also I’m very aware of those factors, I just think that it is a bit dishonest to not inform someone when you agree to a date and then don’t say anything about it till they show up to meet you and see you in the wheelchair.

"I know that if you put your wheelchair in your photos you will be bombarded with fetishists and messages from men gleeful that you 'couldn't run away' and that people may meet up with you specifically because they perceive you to be a vulnerable person. But also it's icky that the nice men have to be mildly surprised when they see your chair, so you should really be honest for their sakes."

Commenter: YTA it's not up to her to know what other people's deal breakers are. People aren't in the habit of listing every aspect of themselves that may be an issue for someone else before they even meet them. It's deeply abelist to suggest she should see herself as damaged goods and deny other people the opportunity to get to know the amazing person you say she is.

OOP: I resent the implication that I am somehow ableist or that I see my friend has damaged goods. That’s so insulting.
My concerns for her not telling people that she is disabled before meeting them can be boiled down to two points. 1) people can be unkind and may be very hurtful or outright violent towards her for not telling them. 2) it means they might not choose a place for the date that she can access.

OOP is voted NAH: no a-holes here

Update (Same Post): March 19, 2025 (Next Day)

Update:

Since there’s been a few questions or comments about various parts of this I feel obligated to share more info. I apologised IMMEDIATELY after she got huffy with me, I did not just let the matter sit. Whilst she is still a little bit off with me, we have not stopped speaking by any means.

Whilst she is a coworker, I would say we are also “light” friends given we get dinner together once a week and catch movies together, share hobbies etc. but I don’t know how well our connection would be if we didn’t see each other 5 days a week - if that makes any sense? There are people you meet through work that become lifelong friends and those that are friends throughout their shared workplace but fade after. I just don’t know where we stand in terms of that yet.

I have stated, and continue to point out, that I NEVER would have said what I thought if she had not asked me for my opinion. It isn’t my business how she dates, and I fully understand (even if I can’t relate) that dating with a disability is not easy and there is a lot of warning signs she needs to be aware of (like people with fetishes and so on) and I recognise that she should NOT put the information in her bio - however, to not disclose it before the first date, when they are about to meet in person for the first time, is the main point.

Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, we met today at work and had lunch together (as we often do) and she brought up the conversation from the other day. Caroline admitted that she wasn’t angry with me but more with herself, because, in her words: “I know it isn’t right to not tell them if we’re going to meet up, but I think it’s easier to hide it at first and judge their reaction in person. I know it’s not the right thing to do if I really like a guy but sometimes it’s less daunting when they don’t know.” I explained I understood and that I didn’t judge her, I just hoped she could understand that she asked me what I thought and I don’t like to lie but I probably should have not said anything. We agreed that it’s a very nuanced subject and each person with disabilities has it different, so it’s hard to say what works for each person. Caroline said she would try being more honest in the future with potential partners and I said it wasn’t my place to judge and I wished her luck with dating in the future.

All in all, we both acknowledged we were both “assholes” and “not assholes” - it’s a difficult subject and neither of us has a place to say what everyone should or shouldn’t do when dating.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

AITA for not wanting to wear a different bridesmaid dress?

Thanks to & for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: racism, discussions of infidelity, controlling behavior

: March 16, 2025

A few months ago, my (32F) good friend’s (33M, Riley) fiancé (33F, Sam) asked me to be a bridesmaid. The bride-to-be and I have always been friendly but not very close (she never seemed very interested in getting to know our friend group despite repeated attempts), so I was pretty surprised when she asked me; still, I agreed.

The wedding is coming up in a few weeks, and while I’m more than happy to take part, I’ve been having some issues with the dress situation. The bridesmaid dress was picked out last year, and the fittings were officially finished last month; Sam paid for everything. The plan was for all bridesmaids to wear the same exact dress (she really stressed that she wanted all of us to look identical). But, during brunch 2 weeks ago, she told me that I’ll need to wear a different dress.

Apparently, she decided that all of the brides maxes should have a different “look” instead of looking identical. I thought it was a bit weird to change something like this so late in the game, but didn’t really think much else of it. We agreed to a date/time for my fitting, and continued with brunch.

Fast forward to the day of my fitting last week. The new dress was…unexpected. While the old dress was a cuffed off the shoulder emerald green dress with a high slit and was fairly form fitting, this new dress was giving elevated mumu. It was shapeless and long-sleeved, and was what I can only call vomit green. Regardless, I agreed to wear the dress, thinking at least the other bridesmaids would join me in my suffering.

2 days ago, during dinner with one of the bridesmaids, I asked if she’s already seen her new dress. She looked confused, and asked me what I was talking about. I reiterated what Sam said during brunch, and she looked even more confused, and told me that she hasn’t heard anything about getting a new dress. This is when a few alarm bells started going off.

Later that night, I texted all of the other bridesmaids asking if they’ve been told anything about getting new dresses, and they all said no. I once again reiterated what Sam told me during brunch, and they agreed that the situation was starting to look a bit sus. One of them suggested that it may just be a misunderstanding. I didn’t understand how it could be a misunderstanding, but decided to speak with Sam again anyways.

I called Sam yesterday, and after some generic chit chat, I asked her why she hasn’t told any of the other bridesmaids that they’re getting new dresses. Long silence. Like, so much so that I thought the call disconnected. She then told me that she made a last-minute decision not to get everyone different dresses, but I’d still be wearing a different dress because she already bought it (she already bought the old dress too, so this reasoning made zero sense). I tried to reason with her by mentioning how strange it would look for 1 bridesmaids to look completely different from the others and would draw unnecessary attention, but she said she didn’t mind. She then rushed to get off the phone, and basically hung up on me.

Later that day, I texted her to tell her that I didn’t feel comfortable wearing that dress, and I kinda felt like she’s picking on me for some reason. Haven’t received a response yet. Part of me feels like I’m being a bit dramatic, but another part of me feels like singling me out for no reason. I don’t want to cause any drama or stress, but I also don’t want to feel uncomfortable at the wedding.

So, AITA?

**Edit: A few people have suggested that Sam is jealous of me being Riley’s friend, but another close female friend of Riley’s is also a bridesmaid (but she is a lot closer to Sam than I or anyone else in our friend group is).

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: She jelly girl. Do not participate in the wedding if she is going to be SUCH an AH. You should tell your friend because that is BS all around.

OOP: I’m learning towards just demoting myself to guest. But my friend was so happy to hear that I agreed to be a bridesmaid 😕

Commenter 2: Something is definitely SUS. Either she thinks you’re too close to the groom and is targeting you because of it, or she thinks you’re too pretty and wants to make sure she looks better than you. Either way, targeting is definitely going on. Your male friend might not be your male friend much longer. Considering the targeting, I would tell your male friend the truth and let the chips fall as they may. Tell him you don’t want to be in the wedding because the bride picked out a really ugly dress just for you… and if you are not the MOH, that’s even weirder. You feel like this is some kind of personal attack so you think it would be better to bow out than become some kind of laughingstock on his big day. It will definitely piss the bride off, but it prevents the bride from making up lies about why you wore the dress you did or that you dropped out because you can’t stand to see them get married. If you’ve watched Charlotte at all, you’ve likely seen some bride stories where bridezillas did this to some bridesmaid they hated but felt they had to invite because of the groom. This sounds on par.

OOP: Oh boy ugh. I foresee multiple unpleasant conversations in the near future. I’m just wondering if this was her plan from the beginning, or if something happened pretty recently that made her dislike me.

Commenter 3: NTA This was a very calculated move to make you look bad.

OOP: But why? I can’t figure it out. We’ve never argued and all of our interactions have been pretty positive.

Does OOP still have the possession of both original and new dress?

OOP: Nope—she took the original dress back

: March 17, 2025 (next day)

Didn’t think I’d have an update so soon, but here we are. I spoke with Riley over the phone last night, and explained the entire dress situation. He seemed more disappointed than surprised, which caught me off guard, and was pissed on my behalf. He then told me what he believes is the reason behind Sam’s newfound hostility towards me: Last month while he and Sam were having dinner with his family, his mother let it slip that Riley and I kinda went on a date a while ago. To be clear, we DID NOT actually date. We went on a double date with a friend and a girl he was into because he was so nervous. I never even counted it as a real date because Riley and I were just there to make our friend more comfortable—there has never been anything even remotely romantic between us. Also, keep in mind that this happened almost 12 years ago. I had honestly completely forgotten about it.

Riley said that he explained everything to Sam to drive home the fact that it wasn’t a real date, but she was fixated on him not telling her about it until now. She said that if it was truly not a real date and if he really didn’t have any feelings for me, then he would’ve already told her about it. Things were tense for a few days, but they later apologized to each other (him for not saying anything and her for overreacting), so he thought that the issue was resolved. That seems to not be the case.

Anywho, Riley plans on speaking with her tonight, so we’ll see what comes of that. Regardless, I don’t think it makes sense for me to continue to be a bridesmaid, even if I’m “allowed” to wear the original dress. Hoping everything works out.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Woooow. That is super unhinged. It's a huge red flag. I agree that you probably should step out of the wedding party.

OOP: Yeah I could not believe it when I heard that that’s why she’s acting a damn fool. Madness

Commenter 2: Why havent' you been asked to be a groomswoman?

OOP: OP has a lot of brothers, so all of them are his groomsmen. There’s already an equal number of bridesmaids and groomsmen. Although, with me likely no longer being a bridesmaid, not sure what the plan would be 🤷🏽‍♀️

Commenter 3: Riley’s mom did that on purpose and no one can change my mind!!! Sam sounds UNHINGED and was prolly hoping this would push either her to breakup in a rage or for Riley to wake up to the psycho he’s about the marry🙄🙄You, unfortunately, were used as the catalyst. VERY UNCOOL!!!

Definitely skip the wedding & keep Riley at arm’s length til he either dumps Sam or handles his mother.

Commenter 4: Well, it seems he has bigger issues to resolve now than handling the dress situation. He's marrying the mental one. That girl is unhinged, getting mad at something that wasn't even a date that happened 12 years ago. I would say, IF this wedding happens, just go as a guest.

: March 17, 2025 (same day, 10 hours later)

Well my fellow potatoes, I have another quick update. Things…don’t seem to be going well. This afternoon, Riley asked me if he could stay at my place for a few days (until he has to travel for work later this week). Of course I said yes, but asked why he wants to stay with me (he literally lives 30 minutes away). He said that he doesn’t want to talk about it right now, so I backed off. He’s currently holed up in one of my guest rooms, and hasn’t come out in hours. I am worried.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: btw do you live alone? because the crazy gf might use this as an ammo to destroy your reputation, saying that you stole her fiance (even now that he's there in your home)

can't he stay with his family?

OOP: Yes, I do live alone. His parents are about as far away from him as I am, so don’t know yet why he didn’t go to them. I don’t mind either way. Besides, my rep is solid and my network is quite a bit larger than hers, so not really worried.

Commenter 2: He's seeing his GF for who she really is. Also...have you considered that Riley may have always had feelings for you, and that's what's making her so mad? I'm sure someone already mentioned this in the comments on the other update, but I am playing catch up!

OOP: I honestly don’t think that’s the case. Trying not to think too much about the situation other than making sure he’s okay.

Commenter 3: Uh oh!!! I won’t lie that I’m glad he’s taking space from Sam after all of your other posts BUT it’s still very sad and my heart goes out to him 🩷🩷

Go pick up his favorite takeout/comfort food & maybe give his family a call just in case. You know him best…good luck.

OOP: Made him one of his faves (rogan gosht), and it’s currently cooking on the stove. Trying to convince him to come out andeat, and watch Doctor Who with me, but no luck yet.

Commenter 4: This is a Sam problem. Not a you problem. Riley should know who he is marrying. Some people are just jealous of everything. But you occupy a lot of rent free space in Sam’s mind. Because she is a jelly fish. (Jealous)!

: March 18, 2025 (next day)

This afternoon, while Riley and I were at work, I received a call from the security desk of my residential community. Someone was there, claiming that they’re my guest, but they didn’t have a code and their name wasn’t on the visitor’s list—it was Sam. I told security to deny her entry, which they did. Not even a minute later, Sam called me, but I didn’t pick up. She called me thrice before I put my phone on do not disturb, and then 4 more times after I did. She then sent a text saying “You’re causing misunderstandings. You need to send him back TODAY”.

I’m home, but Riley is still at work. Haven’t told him anything yet (don’t want to stress him out while he’s working), but will after he returns to my place. Also, haven’t tried to contact Sam, and I don’t plan on doing so anytime soon—really don’t foresee any convos between us going well right now.

Random kinda funny thing to note: Since yesterday, Sam has been removing me from the bridesmaid group chat, but the other bridesmaids keep re-adding me after noticing that I’m missing. This has happened FIVE times! Omg

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: lol send him back? Do you keep him in a box in your closet? I think you might have helped your friend to avoid a terrible marriage. Please let us know what happens after work!

OOP: I was tempted to respond with something like “sorry, USPS is closed rn”, but figured that wouldn’t help the situation

Commenter 2: How is OP causing misunderstandings? Sam has done all of this on her own. All the OP did was ask the bridesmaids if their dresses changed and informed the groom.

Seriously, what the fuck did she think was going to happen when his close friend walked down the aisle in that monstrosity and no one else did? He'd have known what was happening and why, and he'd have been pissed!

Commenter 3: Misunderstandings? Puke green dress and changes to it for only you… she ought to just have said she didn’t want you as a bridesmaid. Groom could have found another placement for you. The man better run fast out. OP I am glad you have good security but you and Riley need to get somewhere to lay low a little bit. Keep that Crazy away from both of you. Perhaps ask the bridesmaids to stop readding you and leave the group as the bride doesn’t want you. Maybe say something like “Ladies, please understand that there are misunderstandings going on and since Sam doesn’t what me here please respect that. If she ever wants me back let her add me back. Bye.”

Commenter 4: Sam wasn't going to take any responsibility for the dress. She was going to try to convince Riley that OP changed the dress on purpose to ruin their wedding and the plan all fell apart.

: March 19, 2025 (next day)

Last night, after Riley returned to my place after work, I told him everything regarding Sam trying to come to my house, and showed him the text message and missed calls. He was PISSED. I have never seen him so angry in all my years knowing him. He was completely silent but looked like he was 2 secs from setting someone on fire. After letting him cool down for a bit, I asked him if he wanted to talk. He did.

He told me that they always seemed to argue about the same things. Then, she’d pretend to understand and be alright with everything only to bring it up again in the future. A few examples of the main things she’d say/bring up:

1. Our friend group is toxic and “too close”.

2. Riley should be thankful to her for keeping his drug habit a secret (a while ago, he mentioned to her that he smoked weed multiple times in uni).

3. He’s too secretive about work, and I know more about his job than she does (we’re both feds who work in intel, and our offices sometimes liaise with each other).

4. He spends too much time with his family.

He’d suggested couples counseling a few times, but she kept on refusing. They’d been doing pretty well for the past year or so and didn’t argue much anymore, so he stopped brining it up.

Apparently, the absolute last straw happened the day he asked me to stay at my place. During the argument with Sam that lead to this (initially regarding the dress debacle but snowballing into other topics), in addition to trying to get him to cut me out of his life, she also called me the n-word (I’m black btw, and Riley and Sam are white). According to Riley, that’s when he knew that he was 100% done. Before he left, he told Sam that their relationship’s over. Since then, she’s been blowing up his phone, but he said he hasn’t read any of her messages or answered her calls. She also sent him emails, which he has also ignored.

He’s going to tell his family and our friend group before he leaves for his work trip this week. I encouraged him to consider doing so sooner rather than later before Sam has a chance to try to stir things up. Also, when he returns from the trip, he plans on going back to his place to get his ring back from Sam, and tell her that she needs to find a new place to live (the house is his).

We spent the rest of the night (and part of the early morning) eating leftovers and cookie dough, working our way through some Moscow mules, and watching Monty Python. It’ll take some time, but I know he’s going to be fine.

Thank you my dearest potatoes for all of your insight, advice, and kind words. Love this community ❤️.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I want to say he should tell her to get out of his house before the work trip, because who knows what she'll do to it while he's not in the area. But she could also do the same thing after he kicks her out, unless he gets a security system installed before leaving. While he's gone, you have to be extra careful because Sam might try something knowing he isn't around.

OOP: Yeah, I don’t love that he’s waiting to tell her after he returns from the trip. Luckily, they do have a security system (mostly outside but a few inside as well); account is under his name, but he just changed the passwords and removed her as an authorized user, so she can’t tamper with the system. Well, technically she can if she wanted to smash the cams and other components with a hammer—hopefully that doesn’t happen.

Don’t have to worry about her while I’m at home, but I’ll keep an eye out whenever I’m not.

Commenter 2: He needs to save the “before” pictures so that after she steals or destroys everything he can call the cops on her. You are absolutely correct he needs to get ahead of her controlling the public narrative. He also needs to warn his work that he has a mentally ill ex who is stalking him and that they should ignore any suspicious calls or “emergencies” and not give any info out about him.

OOP: Good idea—suggested taking pics, and he said he’d do it while she’s at work tonight.

He works in intel, so all buildings are very secure. She wouldn’t even make it past the initial security team.

Commenter 3: I’m so sorry you and him are going through this, but in the long run, this is the best thing that could’ve happened to him. She inadvertently ousted him from a lifetime of misery and blatant racism towards one of his closest friends.

I’m so sorry she said that awful thing about you. But glad he knows what kind of person she is.

OOP: Thank you❤️ The blatant racism defs caught me off guard. Good riddance to her.

Commenter 4: Holy Potatoes.

Glad Riley had his eyes open before it was too late.

That list alone has soo many red flags. But then to be saying that word. JUST NO. H E L L N O. I don't care what color you are that is not right on any level. Such trash.

While it might be too quick he needs to go change the locks on his house and kick her out before the trip. Who knows what he will come home to. GET ALL FAMILY AND FRIENDS to go pack her up and put her stuff outside.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

A questionable article from a questionable source gets posted to . Predictably, reddit's response is polarized.

I am NOT the OOP. OOP is on and .

Mood Spoiler: It's Complicated

Trigger Warnings: (Emotional) Cheating, Depression, Art Rooms

Status: Concluded

: August 17, 2022

: August 22, 2022

: September 13, 2022

Original Post: AITA for letting my son call my best friend "Dad"?
Subreddit Flair for the post: Not the Asshole

My (30M) relationship with my wife Sam (29F) has been rocky since our son Oliver was born two years ago. She got pregnant just a few months after we got married and things were fine up until Oliver’s delivery. I assume it was postpartum depression, Sam never sought out a specific diagnosis, but after he was born it was like she just couldn’t care less about our child. We hadn’t planned to have children so early into our marriage and it was scary, but I can’t describe to you the all-encompassing love that comes with being a parent. The fear was worth it for me. It still is and always will be.

Throughout Oliver’s life, but especially that first year, I was essentially acting as a single parent. The only help I had (and I don’t mean for that to sound diminishing because this man is a godsend) was my best friend, Matt (33M). The plan was for Oliver to be breastfed, but my wife had no interested in it after he was born. I was the one changing diapers and mixing up formula for bottles and being in the house we shared felt so... oppressive. Like the joys of bonding with my son were being sucked out of me because of the energy there. So I would take Oliver to Matt’s.

I don’t want to ramble on for too long, but there have been exactly zero times in life where Matt hasn’t shown up for me. I’ve known him since I was 19 and can safely say that even after all that time. But this is the most wonderful thing he’s given me. I could sleep soundly knowing my baby would be taken care of. I had a place of refuge. He is so, so good with Oliver and is my shoulder to cry on. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to repay him but I’m definitely trying every single day.

Things with my wife have kind of started to look up but recent events have sent us in a huge downwards spiral. Oliver was having some speech delays but he’s been really picking things up as his third birthday nears. He’s babbled “dadada” towards Matt and I for a while now, but “daddy” has since been added to his vocabulary and that is used to refer to us both. I have never corrected him. I checked in with Matt to make sure he was fine, and he said he was honored to be bestowed with such a title.

Sam got to hear this recently when I was on facetime with Matt and she basically went ballistic. As much as I hate to admit it, I did say he was more of a parent than she had been which, while true, is hurtful. I need outside opinions on this.

Aita for allowing him to call him dad?

Top Comments:

(Editor's note: I highly recommend you read the comments and the discourse, at least the top voted ones. A lot of people being supportive, and coming up with appropriate, beautiful names for OOP's daughter. And name nerdery, as is appropriate for the sub).

Highest rated comment (22k upvotes):

I think you are going to get lambasted for this one. I’m going with NTA for me, however. I have been hospitalized previously for depression and I think it’s amazing my now wife stayed. Shit gets rough out there but everyone gets to be happy. That includes you.
Soft toss on ask yourself if you are in love with Matt. Seems like you act as a couple. No judgement, but leave if it’s what you want.
Edit: wow surprised people are super upset about asking a dude to think about his feelings. Also, commenters, try to call out your own bias. I am a queer male who happened to fall in love with a woman and have beautiful children. Guys sounds like how I acted before I was honest with myself and open with others. Lol just because some of us are in heterosexual lives/relationships doesn’t mean we don’t understand/ haven’t gone through stuff like this.

Reply to that comment (17k upvotes):

I don't think anyone would be asking OP to examine their feelings if OP were a woman describing a friendship with another woman. People need to stop the sexist assertion that men can not be emotionally close and vulnerable with one another. Not only is it perfectly acceptable and healthy for two men to have an emotionally close friendship, but it should be more normalized so men feel more comfortable forming close connections with their buddies.

Another reply (10k upvotes):

lesbian speaking, totally sounded like he was going to say in the next paragraph they fell in love but haven’t figured it out yet…shcoked I didn’t. Also speaking up since I’m a woman, I don’t feel that commenters (respectfully gentle) question was coming from a sexist place lol. I’d too assume the same of two women if one of them was saying things like “my safe space and shoulder to cry on”

But tbh even more wholesome that they’re just bros lmao, good dad vibes all around I’m just surpsied it seemed immediately sexist to others

Someone asked:

Info... I feel like there's a lot missing from your wife's side of things. Does she literally do nothing? Does she work? Are you doing all the doctors appointments, grocery shopping, cooking meals, housekeeping, waking up through the night for your son, getting clothes, going to the park etc.? Have you talked to your wife about what's going on? Encouraging seeing a therapist? Encouraging outings/spending time with her son? Or do you just go off to Matt's place every chance you get?

OP's reply:

She works from home during the day. I don't work and we have enough money put back (thanks to help from my parents) that I don't need to while Oliver is this age. She does the grocery shopping as well. Everything else is all me (although Matt does help significantly with the cooking.) She's extremely hands off with him. I've tried to be encouraging but at some point I feel like the responsibility to seek him out and create a bond with him is on her. I've suggested she look into things before and she's brushed me off.

Someone replied to that:

Dude, you need to do more than suggest she see a therapist. You need to insist. This is no kind of way to live.

OP's reply:

I feel stuck. I don't want to push too hard and send her into kind of tailspin. I don't want to fully remove myself from the situation for the same reason.

Another Redditor's reply:

I had severe postpartum depression. It was the lowest I've ever felt in my entire life. My ex-husband was not supportive, he didn't even catch it, my mother did. Even with medication, it took me a year to feel like any semblance of myself. It's been 14 years and I'm still on medication, because I fear feeling that way again. And it destroyed my marriage to have so little support from my ex.

The worst part about it was how awful I felt as a mother and person because I was having trouble bonding and everyone acted like it was something that was instant. It wasn't for me. The low blow you gave her of the insult physically pained me to read. YTA for that comment.

Where your wife is, and what she's feeling, is nowhere I'd wish on my greatest enemy. You've asked her if she wants therapy, it's time to tell her it's necessary, or even to call her doctor and talk to them.

If you care about your wife, have any compassion for her, and any regard for your son having a relationship with his mother, keep trying. I know you're tired, you're resentful, but please trust me that she's in a pit of despair. I think you could both use some professional help at this point. Good luck.

ETA: thank you for the likes and award, everyone! I hate seeing two people suffer (and let me be clear, both mom AND dad are suffering, I'm not discounting what he's been going through, severe depression is hard on more than just the actual patient) and sincerely hope they can both get help.

OP's reply:

Thank you for sharing this. I'm going to take some time to cool off and try to collect myself, then suggest treatment again.

A Redditor asked:

OP, I have been reading this thread and feel like I can understand both yours and your wife’s perspective. But, if comfortable, can you answer this question?

Have you and Matt engaged in any physical, sexual activity together? It could be anything as small as hand-holding and cuddling to something more. There’s no judgment from me; I am trying to better understand the emotional component of your friendship.

OOP replies:

Definitely zero sexual activity.

We have cuddled before. We hug a lot. Comfort through words is nice but feeling someone’s physical presence is also very important and very healing. Didn’t think it was possible to be so touch starved when I have a toddler crawling over me 24/7, but I cling onto those physical touch moments. And I hug/cuddle him a lot to express my gratitude over the way he’s done so much for me over the years, and now my son.

OOP replies to another question about his and his wife's sex life:

My wife and I aren’t very physically affectionate these days. I was prepared for this in some ways as I had heard that sex lives tend to fall to the wayside after a woman gives birth even after the baby starts sleeping through the night.

Still, I hadn’t been anticipating nearly 3 years to be spent like this. My attempts at initiating physical affection either feel like they’re simply tolerated or rejected altogether.

Which is fine. Like I’ve said, my focus is on my son. It is nice every now and then, though, to be close to someone.

edit: spelling

Another answer from OOP to a question:

For one, I’m not having explicit sexual fantasies about my friend and never claimed to be. I also would prefer not to discuss my sexual fantasies on Reddit, even anonymously.

I’ve known him for over a decade and we have had many conversations over the course of those 10+ years. I’m not preying on my friend. Communication between he and I has never been a problem. He’s a big boy, he can tell me if he feels “gross.”

I appreciate the concern on his behalf, but it’s unnecessary and runs on the assumption that I’m getting off on hugging/cuddling my friend which is… maybe something a teenage boy might do? I’m 30.

A Redditor replied with:

ESH. Reading through your responses, I think that you, Matt and your wife are living in limbo. No one is quite willing to break the egg.

I'm not going to bring up sexuality issues because it's irrelevant but the fact is you and Matt are essentially behaving as a couple. Who wouldn't be? Your wife has withdrawn from the relationship, sexually and emotionally.

Your wife is struggling and refuses to get help but she is also becoming resentful because she's increasingly becoming the outsider looking in.

Matt is putting his life on hold to support you. Could he honestly have his own primary partner and still spend all the time he spends with your family?

If your wife shapes up and gets help, you do realize that Matt has to step back to give your wife space to fully become a mother and wife. How do you feel about that?

You say you ask her to get help but it's rather telling that there are no ultimatums because well Matt has allowed you to be comfortable in this no man's land. You are hiding behind your wife's passivity.

The three of you need to talk about what a future looks like. You owe it to yourself to live honestly. Maybe you three become a poly household. Maybe you two get divorced. Either way, the status quo is untenable because at least one of you is unhappy.

OOP's reply to that:

With my wife… I have built up more resentment than I previously realized. Her being involved with me and my son the way she’s supposed to would be ideal, but I think I need to work on myself first. Right now I feel, like… “too little, too late.” Which I acknowledge isn’t productive or good for Oliver, so I need to work on forgiveness.

Edit: This was poorly worded. I meant what I want FOR HIM more than anything is to be happy. Meaning my specific wish for Matt is to be happy, not my wish in general over my care for my son.

Update: UPDATE: AITA for letting my son call my best friend “Dad”? (5 days later)

Subreddit Flair: Update

I never thought I’d be back with an update this soon, or that this would be the update.

I came home Thursday with a plan to talk to my wife. I texted her in advance so I was able to jump right in when I arrived. As suggested to me in the comments of the OP, I was vulnerable. I told her I was feeling exhausted and worn down. I said frustration had built up with her being so uninvolved. I said I wanted to see real, major change in the way she interacts with Oliver within the next 2 months or an ultimatum of her getting help/divorce would be given. I also made it clear that if she wanted to get help now and not wait those 2 months, that was also acceptable. I would assist her however she wanted, but I wanted to see some initiative being taken for our child.

At first, I was met with anger. Eventually we were able to have a genuine conversation where she admitted that she didn’t feel maternal at all. She felt I had pushed her too hard to have Oliver when she got pregnant and she often wonders what our life would be like she had made a different choice.

Obviously this was all hard for me to hear. Resentment was building up on both sides, but did it have to build for nearly three years? I can’t help but feel like it was mostly her responsibility to bring up this conversation. My frustration was over her treatment of our son. Her frustration was over us having a son at all. I can’t even fathom a world without Oliver in it, while she was pondering what our life looks like if he never existed. It’s been a few days since the conversation, and I’m still feeling a lot. I feel sad for her. I’m very angry for my son and I that the last three years could have looked different/saved us from so much pain and exhaustion and negative emotion. It doesn’t feel fair.

She and I are going to start the divorce process soon. I’m hoping that it will remain civil. I called my parents to update them on the situation. They’ve been unconditionally supportive of me and were ready to jump into action mode to help. They will financially support us for the time being, and offered us a place to stay. Matt and I discussed it and we don’t think that’s a viable option. Oliver is already going through a big life change, so taking him out of state to a house he’s unfamiliar with would be harmful. It would also complicate things during the divorce.

We’re moving in with Matt. On top of all the practical reasons why it makes sense, Matt expressed that he would hate for us to be so far from him / that anywhere he is would always be a home for Oliver and I. We still have a lot of things to pack, but we’ve been here since that conversation. Oliver was already used to life here, so the transition has been smooth.

I have a lot of emotions to work through and plan on starting therapy soon.

EDIT: The mentions of coercion and force are ridiculous. Sam has never said outright that she didn’t want a child. In fact, we had conversations prior to marriage about starting a family together. It was just never planned that it would happen so early into our marriage. She was scared about having him so early, and I did my best to assuage those fears by reassuring her, but always giving the option for her to have an out should she want it. There was never the expectation put upon her that she needed to have the baby.

Top comment (10k upvotes):

This is actually really sad. There's nothing wrong with not wanting children, but when the child is there you have to make some tough decisions. Sounds like you guys made the right one for your son, before he starts to notice his moms emotional absence.

I wish you and Oliver (and Matt) all the best and I'm sure Oliver will flourish in a home where he feels nothing but loved :)

OP's reply:

Thank you. It’s a whirlwind of emotions for me right now, good and bad. Matt is going super dad mode and making sure Oliver and I feel as comfortable as possible. I personally think he deserves all the good things in life. Winning the lottery. Daily massages. A forever cold side of the pillow. Etc.

Another top comment (7.1k upvotes):

Update us when you begin dating your friend

Editor's note: There are a lot of highly upvoted comments here accusing OOP of having an emotional affair with his best friend, coercing his wife into having a child, and basically calling him an asshole. In my opinion we don't know enough to assess, as we only have his side of the story.

Last Update: Shared mannerisms with non-biological parent (23 days later, almost one month after first post)

Subreddit Flair: Family Life

My son has been raised by me and my best friend turned partner since he was a tiny infant. For all intents and purposes, my partner is his dad despite them not being blood related.

Some days, though, I would swear they are. They obviously don’t share any physical features, but the mannerisms my son has picked up from my partner always make my heart clench when I notice them. They have the same laugh. They both chew on their bottom lip when they’re thinking hard about something (or pretending to be thinking hard when we’re playing.) They both have a very specific one-leg-in, one-leg-out position they assume under blankets when we have movie nights. I see him in my son’s little facial expressions all the time now that he’s gotten older.

My partner’s mom even commented on it in a private moment between she and I. Prior to that, it was something I had kept to myself thinking I was the only one who noticed it. It might not be noticeable to strangers, but those closest to us see their similarities and that’s enough for me. Definitely an “I’m so lucky” dad moment for me.

A Redditor replied:

That’s how it was and is with my husband and my oldest daughter. He came into her life at age 3. She’s now 25. He did adopt her legally when she turned 9.

One moment will forever live in my memory. We were on our way somewhere and we were talking about a mannerism of hers. I made a comment like, “Hmm, I wonder where she got that from.” He immediately responded and said, “Me. Who else?” I looked at him and said, “uh, you’re not blood related, remember?” His response will always and forever say just how much he loves this child, he said, “Oh yea. I always forget.”

I hit the jackpot with him. They’re 2 peas in a pod. Even people who didn’t know that she’s not blood related have mentioned how much she “looks” like him. We just agree and smile.

OP replies:

He sounds incredible. I feel similarly about the jackpot winning. Both of us need to steer clear of Vegas slots, we’ve already cashed in on our once in a lifetime wins.

Another Redditor replied:

This is me and my (step) daughter. We are just so much alike, and even look quite a bit alike too. People are always a bit taken back when they realise she’s not my natural.

OP replies:

Ah. That’s incredibly sweet.
My son and my partner don’t look wildly different and they have the same dark hair, so I’m sure there are assumptions made when they go out together alone. Still, I don’t think anyone would be shocked to find out they’re not biologically related so those little moments I shared about in my post hit me hard.

I am NOT the OOP. Please do NOT harass OOP and please refer to rules 1 and 2 of this subreddit when talking to people in the comments.

Source:

HIGHLIGHTS

Glazers and ballwashers are now redirected to You are a bot, and this action was performed manually. Questions and concerns are entirely possible

This couldn’t be any gayer lmao

Just wait until you click that link bro

I’m actually mind blown that libtards believe this 😂

I'm mind blown that people that use libtard unironically have the ability to function in the world.

Is that worse than not knowing which restroom to use? Or crying when you aren’t called the right pronouns? 😂😂😂

Jesus Christ you morons sure fixate on the gender shit don't you? Did you get a tingle watching some ladyboy porn and start hating yourself?

Crazy how you can’t answer the question, libtards always wanna change the subject when they start looking stupid 😂

You’re gonna piss off a lot of liberals with this one 😂

You mean conservatives

Why conservatives? They don’t give a shit what you do 😂 it’s the liberals trying to tell people what to do with their lives.

Because Joe is the manager of their echo chamber and saying Canadians would rather go to Russia than come to Canada is sacrilegious to them. You can already see a pissed off conservative in the comments. Guess we can count you as #2

Why do yall just make up shit and expect everyone to believe it 😂 answer me this, which party is trying to control you and shame you into where you want to go in the world? I’ll give you a hint, it’s not the right. Conservatives don’t give a shit what you’re doing with your life or where you want to go. I hope I dumbed it down enough for you.

It isn't a direct quote. One part was the fight. The Russian part was joking with BS over Montreal...you smash two things together isn't a "direct" quote.

I mean, Schaub asks him about ppv in Canada, and that was word for word his reply. There's no mashing of quotes at all

By all means.....PLEASE....move to Russia.

Who said anything about moving? Why are you framing things again buddy?🤔😅

I don't know anyone who thinks Putin is a good dude.

if you had to vote for Kamala Harris or Vladimir Putin to be president of the United States who would you vote for?

Now that's a tough choice. The fact that it's tough shows how unlikeable and useless Kamala Harris is

its my new litmus test to find the rats. works every time. i will not violate reddit TOS.

Cool story bro. But when you give the choice on a competent evil leader vs an incompetent imbecile, you know it's a hard choice

What that he doesn't like Canada?

That he’d rather go to a dictatorship where it’s illegal to be gay, smoke pot, or publicly question the ruler (amongst other normal shit) than a democracy where you can do all of them. For gods sake the guy doesn’t even speak Russian. Why would he want to go there besides to suck some dictator cock or just revel in territorial expansion? Maybe he just really wants to go to a Russian prison for shit he does constantly thats illegal there

Clearly you didn't watch the epiosde. That or you don't understand the difference between a joke and a real conversation...that may be half of your guys problem. You think Rogan is always supposed to talk facts and never joke or have a good time. Everything he says has to be 100% all the time?

The irony is Joe also has no way to differentiate between a joke and a real conversation with how many jokes go over his head

He got his panties in a twist because Canada required visitors to show proof that they had received the COVID vaccine, which incidentally, is the exact same thing Canadians had to do if they wanted to travel to the US at the same time 🤣

What they did to those truckers was disgusting and that's a big part of what he's talking about, and rightly so. At least explain it properly.

Oh, you mean the “truckers” who barricaded themselves into the downtown core of our capital city and refused to leave after being legally ordered to do so? Those “truckers”? The same ones that had nightly bonfires, were setting off fireworks in the middle of the downtown core, were harassing citizens day and night, literally pissing on our war memorial and basically holding the city hostage? Those “truckers”? Get lost. You have no idea what you’re talking about. The government moved in because people were sick of it and it was going to turn violent had it gone on much longer.

Still no reason to freeze their bank accounts and make it a crime for people to bring them gasoline. Authoritarian as fuck. And because of what? Because they didn't want to inject themselves with a newly developed mrna vaccine which in reality did nothing to prevent other people from catching the virus like they originally claimed Its also funny how you describe the protest. I'd really like to hear your description of the blm protests.

The people who had their bank accounts frozen were plotting to kill police.

OOP is - DO NOT BRIGADE HIS POSTS

Trigger Warnings: Abuse

- October 26th, 2021

So, I (44 M) am fairly well off. I'm high up in the company where I work and money's no problem for my wife (33 F) and our two kids. When I was 17, I wasn't the type of person that you'd want to be a father. My own father was a terrifying presence. I almost flunked high school. My high school girlfriend Sofia left me after I got held by the cops one night and in a double whammy, she moved to Scotland with her dad for university in Edinburgh.

Sofia was pregnant and never told me. She never kept in touch I wasn't looking her up in Scotland. I feel like I had a right to know. Ironically, her leaving made me get my life together and I did very well in university. Sometime when we were 18, she gave birth to my daughter Inessa.

Well, Inessa knew who I was and so she decided to contact me, telling me I was her father.

Sofia and Inessa had moved back to the country (different city) and I flew out to meet her. I saw a picture of her after she contacted me, she looks just like my mother (so no need for a DNA test). I avoided seeing her mom and I spent all the time I could with her, getting to know her and learning all that I'd missed. Here's the kicker, I gave my kids the best life possible but she struggled her entire life. After Sofia's dad died, they had a bad time in Scotland and even briefly moved with her mom to Russia. They're doing good now, because my Inessa's got a great job in the same field I started out in.

It made me mad. I could've provided for her. She could've gone to the fancy schools that my kids go to. She could've gotten new shoes, clothes, games every birthday and Christmas. She didn't even have her father to teach her how to drive. I didn't even pay child support. It makes me upset I didn't do right by her.

When I met her mom again, it was tense. I laid out everything I wrote in a calm manner and my daughter made me leave as her mother was going to cry. I met Inessa the day after when I left and we've talked every night since but we haven't brought that up.

My wife told me I was an asshole to tell her mother that and demanded I apologize, but I couldn't help but feeling like I wasn't wrong. However, a few days ago, my wife told me she's pregnant and she talked to me about the situation in terms of what if I passed before my child was born and since then I've felt like a major asshole because Sofia did a much better job with Inessa than other single parents I knew like my own father.

Comments:

• OOP on if Sofia thought he was dangerous: "Not me, but around our neighborhood my father was always kind of a boogeyman. He wasn't conventionally powerful or anything, but he was cruel, kept bad company, was abusive to me and always made Sofia feel uncomfortable. I think me getting held by the police kind of said to her that I would be no better than he was."

• OOP on his arrest and if Sofia was protecting him from his father: "It wasn't anything that serious with the cops, I don't even have a criminal record. My father was lecherous but he wouldn't have harmed Sofia. Me, however? I think he could have beat me to within an inch of my life if he knew she was pregnant. And she knew that, so maybe she felt like she was protecting me. Thinking on it now just makes me realize how wrong I was to have said those things to her."

• OOP on why his wife reacted as she did: "My wife knew she was pregnant before I told her about Inessa and flew out to meet her. She admittedly told me so late because she knew I already had a lot to process but when she knew I was less emotional about it told me to think about what she and our unborn baby would do if I died today and to look at Sofia with those lens. When I thought about it like that I couldn't help but see myself as a major asshole."

- November 30th 2021

I figured that I’d post an update since I’ve met with my daughter Inessa and her mother Sofia again. I went to the city that Inessa lives in for a business trip and she agreed to meet me. I went to Sofia’s home and took the time to talk to Sofia while Inessa was changing. I did what most of you (and my wife) recommend and apologized to Sofia. I told her I was hurt I couldn’t be there for her and Inessa but that she did an incredible job, better than I would have been able to do before I got my life on track and I admire how much stronger than me she is for doing it all despite all she faced. This brought tears to her again but thankfully she hugged me and forgave me.

She then apologized to me for not telling me when I was older but told me it was that at first she was afraid of my father and later on she didn’t want to disrupt my life. I told her it didn’t matter and all that matters is Inessa and her happiness.

When I went to dinner with Inessa, I gave her an old photograph of my mother as a gift and she thought it was some old timey photo of herself at first because they look so similar. I told her about my own terrible father and why it hurt me so much that I didn’t get to be there for her because I had this notion that it’s a father’s duty to always help his child, guide them, teach them and love them and they’re a failure if they weren’t. I told her I was sorry I made her mother cry but know now she was a better mother and father to her than I could have been at that time. She also forgave me and when she called me dad (she’d just been saying father before – which was still adorable cause of her mix of a Russian and Scottish accent) for the first time as she hugged me it was the best feeling in the world.

Although I’d booked a hotel for the night, Inessa insisted I stay with her and Sofia. We wound up staying up for hours watching old home movies of Inessa as a kid (which she converted into digital from tape somehow) and even though I couldn’t be there for any of that, I do feel better about it. Before I left, I promised Inessa that I’d always be there for her and if she ever needed anything, to just ask me and I’d take a flight to see her that day.

When I got home, my wife told me I did the right thing in apologizing to both of them and that I should see her for Christmas and that our kids would be fine without me for once. So, I thank you guys for recommending that I apologize. It feels like a weight has been lifted and I can be there for Inessa without regrets.

- March 18th, 2025

I (47M) have four children, three with my wife (36f) and one daughter from a prior relationship. My daughter is almost thirty and she mostly grew up in Scotland, however, her mother's family is Russian and she spent a lot of time visiting there as a child and actually went to high school there before moving to Edinburgh for university. She currently lives in Vancouver with her mother, I live in a city near Toronto, so different ends of the country but I go to see her once a month.

I visited my daughter this past weekend for her engagement party and I brought my son with me. He's much younger than she is and is very impressionable and he really looks up to his big sister and he's her favourite sibling, she wouldn't say but I just know. My son's in elementary school and they're doing a current events thing and of course, Russia and Ukraine are always in the news. So, he started asking his sister about Russia and and the war and my daughter only praised Russian soldiers and how they're brave and fighting for their country.

It got to the point where my daughter even told her brother she would take him on a trip to see Russia when he was old enough. She started teaching him words and phrases in Russian. Now I get it, my daughter is Russian. She only ever speaks with her mother in it, she makes their food, gets really formal and calls me father sometimes and her apartment is like a mix of Russian and Scottish.

But I don't want my son thinking that Russia is the good guys in this war. I get why my daughter would think that but I disagree. So on Sunday before we left I talked to her about it I told her that I don't want her telling her brother propaganda. She just got upset and said she wasn't praising the war but just her people and her country and she's proud of them. I told her that she's Scottish instead and she also speaks Gaeillic and has a rich heritage there she could tell her brother about but she said she would if he asked but he wasn't interested in Scotland. I left things there because I didn't think that she was going to listen.

When I got home, it turns out that my daughter messaged my wife about it and my wife was very upset with me. She said I was out of line and that my daughter obviously has a very different view of Russia and that I know from all the news I watch that the people of Russia suffer and there is a difference between supporting people and nation. My wife also reminded me that my daughter is terrified of flying and there's no chance she's ever going to take our son on vacation anywhere. She told me to call and apologize but I didn't press the topic, so I don't see why I should. Was I wrong here?

Comments:

• OOP on if his daughter supports Putin: "My daughter does not support Putin, I will say that much. She has a poster of that Navalny man up in her apartment. I don't know much about him but from Reddit I know he was against Putin."