Humbly asked

I have a sponsee who seems to not quite comprehend what humility means. He insists that he is right about so much. He recants stories to me about how he lost his last job, only to carry the same argumentative, defensive behavior over into a new job. Even when there is no point in arguing, he likes to get the last word in.

I don't think that I fully understood humility either until I got the necessary emotional flailing that helped me to finally begin to see there was another way. For me, I had to experience enough discomfort with what I was doing that change became necessary. I wasn't going to be humble if I clung to arrogance and self-righteousness.

Humility is a precious thing because it goes hand in hand with gratitude and serenity. I had relied so long on my own self-sufficiency that it was difficult to let my defenses down enough to even think about being humble. But once I came to believe that I could no longer carry my life's burdens by myself, I was willing to have a new way of thinking that included humility.

Humility isn't a negative quality, and it doesn't equate to humiliation. For me, it is an awareness of my shortcomings balanced with a sense of pride in my achievements. I have decided that simple awareness of who I am is humbling.

I have used my isolation, my being better than or less than, and my fear to assign blame. I can see that my sponsee has the same thoughts. It is easier to blame others than to admit that I may have shortcomings. But none of that brought me any peace or greater understanding of happiness. I could not manipulate my way through life to get my way.

I am glad to have reached a place where I no longer have to constantly defend my position. Instead I see how I can be more useful to others. And that is something that generates a lot of good feelings about me and living life.

“Humbly’ means seeing myself in true relation to my fellow man and to God.” - Lois’ Story

End of the first part

I completed the first part of the course today. There were man overboard drills which were a challenge in a 20 knot breeze. There were intermittent rain showers too.

This course has made me realize the things that I didn't know. It is a humbling experience in many ways. It covers the more technical aspects of sailing, rather than just heading for a destination. There were a few moments today that I felt discouraged that I wasn't doing everything perfectly. The instructor is a college kid who is half my age. That's the old ego coming back. And it's a big character defect because it causes me to beat up on myself and compare my abilities to another.

So I decided that it wasn't important that I was doing things perfectly but that I was listening and watching and doing my best to follow directions. The instructor, regardless of his youth, is professional and knowledgeable and amazingly patient. That made the day much more enjoyable.

There's more sailing through Sunday for the second part of the course. Once completed and if my skills are sufficient, I'll receive a certification. I'm glad that I'm taking this course. And I'm looking forward to trying out some of these new skills on my own boat.

Weekend is over

It was a good weekend for sailing but not such a good one for my back. There was a strong NE wind at around 20 mph and there were spring tides. The day was crisp and clear, actually feeling like fall. Compass Rose flew through the water and performed well.

After getting anchored, I waded to shore and went for a couple of miles along the beach. It's a beautiful place to walk and with the sunset and surf rolling in, it was a perfect evening. Unfortunately, after sun down with the tide coming in, the rollers rocked the boat all night. I didn't get much sleep from the slapping halyards, howling wind, and rocking of the boat. I awoke feeling as if I had been run over by a truck. My lower back ached and it was hard to get moving around at all. After a bit, I loosened up, fixed breakfast, got the sails up and got back to the marina around 2 PM.

I'm learning that Compass Rose is quick like a cat and that if I don't have the sails trimmed just right, she'll take off. I had to spill some wind on the way back because of sailing right into the wind. It's all part of the learning process but it was hard today because of my stiff back. Somedays, I just start to feel old. It was a humbling experience. Maybe a good night's sleep and some ibuprofen will help.

The Road Back

I have missed a few days blogging largely because I have been on the road constantly. After visiting my cousin and his wife, I went to Fredericksburg, VA and toured some of the battlefields there. My mother was the historian in the family, but I've always been moved by the horrible conflict that was the War Between the States.

Wilderness, Chancellorsville, and the battle of Fredericksburg are synonymous with the horrors of that conflict. But to see Gettysburg is something to behold. I toured there on Saturday afternoon. I've never been before. There's a two hour tour that describes the strategies of the armies, the losses, the civilian tragedies and the monuments erected on the battlefield. There are many monuments. The vista is beautiful but to be on that field of battle must have been hell on earth. I think that the most moving for me was to see the faces of the men on the wall in the Visitor's Center. So many who died so young.

Keeping in the historic vein, I went into DC and toured the Air and Space Museum and the Natural History Museum. I've been to both many times before but there is always something new to see. I think that the museums provided a diversion from visiting the battlefields and the afternoon spent with my cousin. It was nice to sit in the planetarium and gaze at the stars and see so many people, young and old, fascinated by the exhibits.

Now I'm back home and thankful for having a few days that provided a wide diversity of things to think about. I enjoyed every day of this trip. It was a chance to revisit some places where I had endless hours of fun when I was younger and a chance to visit new places that are totally thought provoking. And a chance to visit a person who shared my childhood with me. Lots of things to mull over for sure.

I hope to catch up on everyone tomorrow. Lately, time has flown by.

Honesty

I had a meeting with my sponsor last night to go over the section on Honesty in the Al-Anon Blueprint for Progress work book. I had written out my answers before I went to the meeting but wanted to talk more about some of them. I don't know how many of you have used this Fourth Step Inventory work book but it really lays things out. I remember hearing about the book at a meeting several months ago when one of the speakers shared that the book was scary and that he had to get it out of the house. I suppose that the questions being asked weren't where he wanted to go.

I've read that the fourth step is about cleaning up the "wreckage of our past." But it's also about the good things about each of us as well as the negative. Unfortunately, it seems that I am best at being able to recall the negative things about myself because when I write down the positive things, it seems that I am making false statements. Last night after going through the questions on honesty, I realized that I'm not really very terrible but am guilty of being a controlled person who keeps things in check. The fourth step though is about being honest with myself. If I don't do this, then I am setting myself up for not being successful with the other steps to come. I see now how humbling this fourth step is going to be.