LocalQuestions You’re Too Embarrassed To Ask Your GynecologistThere is nothing more mysterious and disgusting than the tangled mess of tubes, holes, and pubic hair that makes up the female anatomy. The Onion answers the most common questions that patients are too embarrassed to ask their gynecologists.
Real EstateDon’t Go In The Extra DoorThis beautiful two-bedroom Colonial is the perfect place to raise a family and—whoa there, buddy, nothing to see here. With a spacious backyard and a washer-dryer, you’ll feel right at—that door sticks so it’s better if we don’t even fiddle with it…
PoliticsBiden Calls Xi Jinping A Dictator And A SlutSAN FRANCISCO—Speaking at a solo press conference after a carefully orchestrated diplomatic summit with the Chinese leader, President Joe Biden told reporters Wednesday that he still thought Xi Jinping was a dictator and a slut. “Look, there’s …
MagazineHumanitarian Pause, Missile Quiet Time, And Bullet Hush: How To Call For Peace In The Middle East Without Actually Meaning It
Breaking NewsOnly Sex Education In Country Now Just Pressing Ear To Shared Wall To Hear Noises From Next Door
Breaking NewsStudy Finds Young Americans Eschewing Dating Apps In Favor Of Government-Run Breeding Camps
LocalPanicked-Looking Guy Shifting Uncomfortably Outside Occupied Restroom Must Really Have To MasturbateSANTA FE, NM—As the distressed and presumably very horny individual knocked frantically on the door, sources reported Thursday that panicked-looking local man Henry McDonald, who was seen shifting uncomfortably outside of an occupied public…
PoliticsDisturbing DeSantis Ad Reveals Candidate Wearing Rubber Diaper To Focus On CampaigningTALLAHASSEE, FL—In an effort to showcase his commitment to conservative voters, the Ron DeSantis campaign released a disturbing new ad Monday that revealed the candidate was wearing a rubber diaper to focus on campaigning. “As your president, my…
Breaking NewsNation’s Therapists Recommend Depressed Individuals Cheer Selves Up With Root Beer Float
FootballModern-Day Mother Teresa Waits For Player On Stretcher To Give Thumbs-Up Before Considering Fantasy Implications
FootballFrustrated Robert Kraft Wishes There Were Somewhere He Could Go To Relieve Tension Of Patriots Season
