Paperback 803: Love and the Countess to Boot / Jack Iams (Dell 139)

Paperback 803: Dell 139 (1st ptg, 1946)

Title: Love and the Countess to Boot 

Author: Jack Iams

Cover artist: Uncredited

Yours for: $12


Best things about this cover:

• Cupid does not mess around with rival gods. Just look what he did to Santa!
• Everyone should have a countess to boot.
• This cover is ultra-terrible. No countesses. No boots. Weird log-like clouds. Bah.

Best things about this back cover:

• Ah, that's more like it. Mapback!
• Caribbean mapback with St. Croix inset and even bigger Bland Seascape inset. Hot.
• Ooh, Charlotte AMALIE. I recall that place name from a crossword clue I Did Not Know.

Page 123~

He sipped the frothy swizzle, enjoying Walter's rising curiosity.

That line is either benign and dopey or super-homoerotic, depending on your mood.

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]

Paperback 665: Patterns of Sin / Dave Patrick (Saber Tropic 922)

Paperback 665: Saber Tropic 922 (PBO, 1966)

Title: Patterns of Sin
Author: Dave Patrick
Cover artist: Uncredited [Bill Edwards]

Yours for: $26


Best things about this cover:

• How is this book *not* titled "They Cloned Castro!"?
• I think her underwear is pretty. 
• Is it just me, or is it less fun to admire the half-naked lady when she's being gang-raped?

Best things about this back cover:

• Ouch. I have sleaze whiplash. Going from Cuban gang rape to brother/sister incest will do that to you.
• "May I?" Ha ha. So polite, and such proper grammar.
• "Since there were no degrees of sin in her mind..."—the implications of this are staggering. "Oh, well, I already stole a $5 from the till, so I may as well carjack that lady and start running people over."
• "Roddy." Again, HA ha.

Page 123~

"What's going on here?" he demanded, his eyes taking in the Major's body. 

Wow, this book is bound and determined to hit *all* the major "sins" (at least I assume this passage is a prelude to gay sex in the military). Too bad I don't do Page 144—it has a lengthy, clumsy, hilariously clinical description of lesbian 69. "... Estelle knew what the next step was to be, and she was reluctant to take it, until Gizelle's mouth reached its destination and moved on to her partner's thighs in a manner that said the act was to be a reciprocal, if it was performed." Mmm ... tell me less ...

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]

Paperback 605: The Ambushers / Donald Hamilton (Gold Medal k1333)

Paperback 605: Gold Medal k1333 (PBO, 1963)

Title: The Ambushers
Author: Donald Hamilton
Cover artist: McD (?)

Yours for: $11


Best things about this cover:

• "Isn't my sniper boyfriend dreamy!?"
• "So sorry, señor. The chupacabra, I think she got away."
• What is this "pansy class" and how do I enroll? Sounds fun. Also, I would love to see Matt Helm call Mike Hammer a "pansy." 

Best things about this back cover:

• Murder—in the card catalogue!
• How does one "play God to a beautiful, beat-up girl"? "OK, you be Job, and I'll go hide behind that bush and ..."
• I do like to order my thrillers by the half-dozen.

Page 123~

In my terrible predicament I'd hardly be giving attention to stray blondes. I kept my eyes on the men.

I assume his "terrible predicament" is "being undercover at a gay bar." Or he has some unspeakable injury that makes arousal painful. Either way, don't worry, Matt. It gets better.

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]

Paperback 598: Mingo Dabney / James Street (Pocket Books 819)

Paperback 598: Pocket Books 819 (1st ptg, 1951)

Title: Mingo Dabney
Author: James Street
Cover artist: Harvey Kidder

Yours for: $7


Best things about this cover:

• And Mingo was his name. O.
• I believe this is the pose for which the expression "Huzzah!" was invented.
• "Who the hell took my castanets?!? I can't do this dance without my castanets!!!"
• Who's the cat who makes all the hijab-wearin' ladies freak out and the grizzled Hemingway impersonators nod in silent admiration ...? — hint: it's not Shaft.

Best things about this back cover:

• Actor Dabney Coleman was famous for getting drunk at wrap parties and insisting that everyone call him "El Dabney."
• "MINGO DABNEY so fly he turn a saint All Woman."—lost '90s rap lyric
• I would like to thank Pocket Books for (fairly) consistently crediting cover artists.

Page 123~

"Listen, Mr. Carson." Mingo ran his fingers through his hair and his fingers were sticky with sweat. "I'm damn near crazy."

Furthermore, in case you missed it: fingers.

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]

P.S. Bonus illustration ... author beefcake!

[Street's ahead]

Paperback 52: Popular Library G517

Paperback 52: Popular Library G517 (1st ptg, 1961)

Title: A Race of Rebels
Author: Andrew Tully
Cover artist: Mitchell Hooks

Yours For: $8 (SOLD - 4/18/08)


Best things about this cover:

• She has the most orgasmic mouth in (non-porn) paperback history; that, or she is singing.
• Some blurbs are prescient - others ... not so much. "Good as Hemingway's A Farewell to Arms" must surely have been the last think Robert Ruark ever said as a literary critic, or generally credible human being.
• "A Race of Rebels" - Which race? "You know ... brown folks ... live where it's hot ... always getting riled up and killing people ... that race!"
• I like how the rebels are basically ornamentation for our giant, white-hot white couple.
  

Orgasm Mouth: "Honey, we're surrounded by a race of rebels. I'm scared."
Burt Lancaster: "It's OK, we're like giant white gods to them - shut up and kiss me!"

I'm telling you, Nothing on the front or back cover tells you much of anything about where these so-called "rebels" are rebelling. Palm trees suggest the tropics. Maybe Central America. It's like the publishers don't want you to know? I mean ... check out the ambiguity on the back cover copy. It's like Location: Exotic!

• Again, I have to ask: Where Are We?* It's like the publishers know Americans hate politics and can't find countries on maps anyway. Apparently, all the reader wants to know is: will it be "frank"? (where "frank" = "loin-stirring")
• "Frank, blunt, toughly tender" = that's what she said

RP

*Answer: Cuba