“IF YOUR WEINER CAMPAIGNS FOR MORE THAN 44 DAYS, PLEASE CONSULT A PSYCHIATRIST.”

“I’M CALLING THIS PRESS CONFERENCE TO APOLOGIZE, FOR SENDING PICTURES OF ANTHONY WEINER RUNNING FOR PUBLIC OFFICE.”

“NOW, IF THE RIGHT-WING NEANDERTHALS KEEP OBSTRUCTING ACTION TO REDUCE GLOBAL WARMING, PRETTY SOON EVEN THEY’RE GONNA’ LOOK LIKE ME AND TRAYVON MARTIN.”

“IT WAS LIKE A SIGN FROM ABOVE, VALIDATING OUR VERDICT, WHEN I WON AT BINGO WHEN THEY CALLED MY OWN JUROR NUMBER.”

GOP Senator Jeff Sessions

“YOU THINK IT’S MERELY COINCIDENCE THAT THE ‘PATH TO CITIZENSHIP’ IS 13 YEARS? IT’S OBVIOUSLY A RUSE TO GET HISPANICS BAR-MITZVAHED, AND FURTHER CEMENT THEIR ALLEGIANCE AS JEWS TO THE DEMOCRAT PARTY.”

“I DELIBERATELY REFRAINED FROM USING THE INTERNET OR MY CELL PHONE… BUT THEY GOT ME WITH THE OLD REVERSE PEEPHOLE.”

“HEY BILL, DO YA’ THINK THESE CLOWNS SHOULD JUST GET A BUTTON-FLY? I’M NOT SURE THEY’RE CAPABLE OF KEEPING THEIR PECKERS OUT OF HARM’S WAY OF A ZIPPER?”

Pat Robertson

“ONCE YOU ALLOW GAY ATHLETES INTO THE LOCKER ROOM, HOW DO YOU JUSTIFY KEEPING ANIMALS OUT OF THE KENTUCKY DERBY?”

“IF THERE ONE THING WE HOLD EVEN MORE SACRED THAN TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE, IT’S THE TRADITION OF SELF-PRESERVATION, AND NOT GETTING SLAM DUNKED!”

“ENOUGH WITH MY WIMPY HUSBAND AND SONS; WE NEED SOMEONE WHO WILL MAKE THE COUNTRY AN OFFER THEY CAN’T REFUSE.”