Your European girlfriend is here

And she's brought you a selection of odd shit to eat.

Boo fuckin' hoo

Poor Michael Douglas.  Such a sad thing that his law breaking drug dealing son has had to spend some time in solitary confinement.  My heart bleeds for him and his kid.

Oh wait, no it doesn't.  Fuck him.  Fuck his law breaking drug dealing kid.  And fuck their huge sense of rich white male entitlement.

The only thing Douglas is disappointed in is the fact his kid didn't get off with a wink and a slap on the wrist.  Or to be really honest, he's pissed his kid got convicted at all.  I mean come on, it's not like his kid is black or anything, so why should he have to do any time at all?  He should be allowed to walk free because he's from a rich white Hollywood royal family.

Seriously though, fuck him.  I hope his kid has to serve every minute of his sentence and that he doesn't make parole or get any time off for good behavior.  After all, he broke the law.  He got caught dealing drugs.  If he'd have been black, there is no doubt his sentence would have been even longer and he would have had to serve his time in a harsh over crowded prison.  And his life once he got out, if he got out, would have been ruined.  But Douglas's kid will be met at the prison gate by a chauffeur who's driving a limo that'll be stocked with hookers, blow, and champagne.  And then he'll be whisked off to a job in his daddy's production company where he'll no doubt go back to dealing drugs because he's hooked on the adrenalin rush of doing naughty things.

You're disappointed Michael Douglas?  Fuck you. The rest of us are disgusted by you and your awful parenting skills.  Go eat some more cancerous pussy and leave the rest of us alone.

It's sweater weather, go nuts

Do me a favor

Click on this link and vote no.

https://roe.house.gov/forms/form/default.aspx?ID=2768

I want my asshole teabagger Congressman to get a big shock when he sees how many people don't agree with him.

Jeebus, take the wheel

My bowling pin is a spare driver.

Admit it, you thought it as well

"I used to get this many fingers up inside your mother's...hey look, I made a rabbit!"

Phil Roe is a shameless tea bagger whore

I sent this email to my awful Congressman:

Since you have voted repeatedly to defund 'Obamacare' and are still receiving government run health care that we citizens pay for, I demand that you give up your health insurance and pay for 100% of your health care out of your own pocket.  If you choose not to do what I ask, then you need to resign your office immediately and give any salary you have left coming to you to the families who will be adversely affected by your vote to cut food stamps.

Your hypocrisy knows no bounds, you disgust me.

I somehow doubt he'll listen to me.  He'll be too busy trying to get on Fox News to care what people like have to say.  He's said repeatedly that he's in Congress to do the will of the people who elected him, so that means he doesn't give a shit about what those of us who didn't vote for him want.

How do you feel about the way President Obama has handled the situation in Syria?

 "I'm too busy to care what he's doing because I'm screwing my neighbor's wife."

 "I'm ready to go to war again.  I'm bored sitting at home and suffering with PTSD."

 "I'm pissed he didn't start the war I didn't want him to start.  This diplomacy shit, Bush never did it.  I just can't get used to it."

 "Obama is still president?  Holy shit, what year is this?"

 "Syria?  Why do I need to care about Syria?  Let those crazy Muslim bastards kill one another.  I've got more important things to worry about, like this computer for instance.  Hello?  1998 called, it wants this 600 pound computer back."

 "Can't we let Israel do our dirty work over there?  They've done such a bang up job oppressing the Palestinians, they ought to kick those Syrians asses."

 "I'm sitting on a fucking rock and acting like I'm meditating.  That should tell you all you need to know about how little I think about things."

 "I often wonder what would become of me if President Obama ran his dusky hands all over my body before he took my clothes off me and made me his Oval Office love slave."

"My husband told me that I'm all for the opposite of what ever he does."

"Let's not talk about Syria, let's talk about what Ben Affleck as Batman will do if the government shuts down.  Will he come to our aid?  Or will he be all like, 'I've got to save Jenny from the block and that chick from Alias.'?  That's what I want to know.  And also, I want to know when my meds will be here."

You go girl

Spotted while driving

I pray this was part of a skateboard incident gone horribly wrong.

Match game

I am a horrible person

When I first heard about today's mass shooting in Virginia, I thought, "Only four dead?  That's not too bad."  And I'm sure I wasn't the only one who thought that shit.

Seriously, what kind of country have we become when we're so used to shootings like this that we think that four dead isn't 'so bad.'  Fuck.

I hate the USA the NRA has foisted on us.  I will never buy, carry, or use a gun.  I refuse to become a part of their death machine.

"And then I told her...

...if I catch you doing porn, I'll kill you."

Barn of the week

This not a local to me barn.  It's in New Zealand.

No matter how you slice it...

...dolls are creepy as hell.

We have a winner!

In this most disgusting beverage ever category, the winner is:

Wine with beef extract, malt and glycerophosphates?  Oh hell no, that shit has got to be foul.

This week in STFU

I usually respect David Attenborough but when he recently said that humans have stopped evolving, I wanted to tell him to shut the fuck up because there is no way he could possibly know that kind of thing.  Evolution is a series of minute changes over a long period of time that add up to a huge change in the species involved.  So it's a safe bet to say that we've not stopped evolving and we never will.  And we'll never know we've stopped because the changes in our species are so minute and take place over hundreds, possibly hundreds of thousands of years, maybe even a million or two.

So seriously Attenborough, shut the fuck up about human evolution or check yourself into a nursing home.

Trippin'

More vacation photos to come on Facebook.

The origin of hot dogs

In olden days, the judge said, "Forsooth, I am hot as hell and not in the 'good' sense of that phrase.  On top of that, I'm hungry as hell.  Bring me some food about this long and I will eat the hell out of that shit."

Throughout the colonial city people scrambled to find the judge some long food.  They looked high and they looked low but no one could find food to suit him, until...

"Hail young negro, my hungr is insatiable, give me that animal you cling so tightly to your dusky breast."  The young negro, being a son of slaves, had no choice but to comply.  He handed over his pet to the judge.

"My lord, this animal is too skinny to be eaten now.  Your lordship should allow me to let it eat the negro boy so as to fatten it up so it will be a nourishing and filling meal for you."

"Overruled!" shouted the judge before he ripped a fart that peeled the paint off the wall behind him.  "Gimme that dog.  NOW!"  The judge grabbed the dog, popped it's eye out, and skull fucked it before he ate it raw.

 "Whoa, did thou see-est that shite?  He ate that dog like a boss!" said the young negro as the crowd of white landowners looked on.

The judge was not amused by the flippant comments made by the young slave so he sentenced him to death and had his corpse ground up and stuffed inside thin translucent casings, which were called 'hot dogs' after the food he had gotten for the judge.

As long as you're never forgetting 9/11...

Don't forget to not forget this other stuff too:

• Don't forget to eat your veggies.
• Don't forget to wax your car.
• Don't forget to give your uneaten supper to the starving masses in Africa.
• Don't forget to check under your bed for Communists.
• Don't forget to keep your privates smelling minty fresh, and I'm talking to you all you males out there.
• Don't forget to make a note of all the things you need to forget to remember.
• Don't forget to call your mother...what you call her is your business.
• Don't forget the Alamo or Pearl Harbor.
• Don't forget to wipe.

What I'm watching

I'm nearly done with the first five seasons of Mad Men.  Like I said before, it's good, it's very engrossing in fact, but it's not the greatest thing on TV.  It snuck up on me and sucked me into the story and the story continues to take twists and turns that keep me hooked.

I finished all six seasons and the film adaptation of the Danish show Klown.  The series was still very funny right up until the end but a few episodes felt forced and off the mark.  The film, on the other hand, is a masterpiece of comedy of the uncomfortable.  They did things in the film they couldn't do on the TV series and it made me howl with laughter.  I highly recommend the series and the film.

I'm watching Quickdraw on Hulu PLUS and it's pretty good.  It's a non scripted comedy set in the old west.  The show's creators write a loose outline of the episode and the actors improvise their lines, it works most of the time.  The supporting characters are often the funniest characters in the show.

I quite liked the first three episodes of the British limited series Run on Hulu PLUS.  It tells the loosely connected stories of some diverse people living in modern day London.  I kept falling asleep in the fourth and last episode, so that should tell you something about it.

I really liked the British food series The Supersizers Go...that starred food writer Giles Coren and Sue Perkins.  Coren and Perkins, the supersizers, take on the dress and cuisine of different eras in British history in the first series and they take on the dress and cuisine of different eras in world history in the second series.  They eat period food made from recipe books from World War 2, Victorian times, the Regency period, the 1980's, the 1970's, ancient Rome, along with other eras and times.  They eat some truly disgusting food and they somehow manage to do it all with a ton of wit and good humor.  For me the real treat of this series, which aired a few years back on British TV and is now on Hulu PLUS, is Sue Perkins.  I find her to be cute, funny, and totally watchable.

Quick hits (Syrian war edition)

• I support the upcoming war on Syria as much as I supported the illegal Bush/Cheney/Powell led wars on Iraq and Afghanistan. 
• Hey liberals and Democrats, hypocrite much?  You opposed the wars of terror under Bush but now that Obama is in charge, you're all in on Syria?  Fuck that.  If it was wrong under Bush, it's wrong under Obama.
• Hey conservatives and Republicans, hypocrite much?  When Bush was in charge you cried that the rest of us HAD to support him in his war mongering because he was President.  Now that we've got a scary black Democrat in charge, it's suddenly fine not to support his warmongering?  Fuck you.  
• Too bad we all can't be like the Church of England.  They invested a load of money in armaments manufacturers and now they're reaping the benefits of all the death and destruction caused by said armaments.  Hooray!  Jesus would be so fucking proud of you.
• The only war in the Middle East I can support is a war to stop Israeli genocide.  If we don't stop those mad bastards, they'll wipe out Palestinians in just a few years.

This blog has gone to the birds

I'm back and pithy, piquant, and positively pathetic posts will resume posthaste.

See you next week

Feelin' 7-Up

Proof positive

This illustration from a 1970's textbook proves that a white man invented 'twerking.'  And this proves once again that if you know where to look and if you ignore facts, white guys pretty much invented everything.