iowahawk

One Afternoon In a Garage in Reno, Nevada

Good afternoon! Hello, residents of Whispering Hills subdivision! Thank you for that fine reception. How's everybody doin' out there?

Now that's what I call spirit - Reno spirit. American spirit! Yessir, what you folks might lack in numbers, you make up for in enthusiasm. Just like Reno is the 'Biggest Little City in the USA,' I've gotta say you folks are the Biggest Little Garage Sale Crowd in Reno this afternoon. So give yourself a Biggest Little Hand!

Yeah! Alrigh-yi-yi-YI YI YI YI YI YI YIIGH SQUEEEEECH

Oh, uh, sorry about that. Billy, can we bring down the EQ on the driveway monitor? I'm getting some nasty feedback here. Okay. Check. Check. Pop. Poppop. Check check, testingggg one two. Okay, I think we got that.

Okay! As I was about to say, it's no accident I'm here today at the Kellers. You all know Paul and Val here as great neighbors, the kind of hardworking friendly neighbors any neighborhood in America would want. And as President of the United States neighborhood, I've worked tirelessly to make sure that neighbors like Pal and Vaul have the financial support they need to stay right here in Whispering Hills.

Yeah! Sure, you can applaud! Come on, give it up for the Kohlers!

That's why, when the housing crisis occurred during the previous administration, we got to work on programs to provide support to families struggling with mortgage payments. As you all know there were a lot of...

How's that? Oh. I'm sorry but could it possibly wait? We'll be on our way in 10, 15 minutes tops, and... oh.

Um, could I have one of you fellas in the security detail move the motorcade? One of the Escalades is blocking a driveway. Yes. That one over there, with the white minivan. Let's step on it guys, I'm told they're late for a soccer tournament.

Okay, then. Where was I? Yes. The mortgage payments. As you know there were a lot of unscrupulous lenders during the previous administration who tricked unsuspecting Americans into buying houses they couldn't afford. And suddenly, when the housing market crashed, those folks found themselves no longer able to afford the houses they couldn't afford. That's when we lept into action - with innovative federal refinancing programs and loan guarantees to make sure the owners could keep up their payments to the unscrupulous lenders, and no longer worry about losing their unaffordable houses. This is just one of the ways that we are making...

Whoa, heads up! Son, you really need to work on that jump shot! What the... for God's sake, Marvin, you didn't need to tackle the boy, it was just an air ball. What's your name, son?

Josh? So Josh, what kind of game console do you have? XBox, okay. As your president, I'm asking you to go inside and play XBox until I'm finished with my speech. You can come back out and shoot hoops all you want later. Okay? Okay.

So, in any case... hey, I heard that! I heard that, Josh!

So, in any case, that is just one of the many ways we are helping everyday homeowner in neighborhoods all across America. Take for example the Keelers here, Pearl and Van. Yes, I mean Paul and Vel. Val. When they decided to reduce household clutter and free up extra cash to help create jobs in the community, we stood at the ready to invest through our innovative American Garage Sale Recovery Act. Through AGRA, the Kelmers were able to secure federal grants-in-aid to buy the yard signs, Craigslist ads, card tables and price tags they needed, along with expert advice from the Federal Bureau of Garage, Rummage & Yard Commerce.

When I heard about how this innovative $23,000 public-private partnership was helping Paul and Val, I couldn't wait to fly out here on Air Force One and see all these incredible bargains for myself. Bargains like this 4.5 horsepower Briggs & Stratton go-kart for only $6,000! So who wants to step up and buy this fun...

Bob, please, I'm just getting to the sale, and... oh. Are you sure? Well, okay. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry, I'm going to have to go ahead and pull the sale on that go-kart. Apparently they were outlawed by the Comprehensive Go-Kart Emissions & Safety Act I signed 2009. And a good thing too, because nothing matters to me more than safety, the environment, and also the economy. But don't worry, there are plenty of other great bargains here. Like this commemorative Obama-Biden Inauguration collector's plate, made of real porcelain! And only $50! Who wants to be the first to buy this piece of history?

Don't be shy, $50 takes it home.

Fifty, fiftay, fifffffftaaaaay.

Okay, how about if I make it even more of a collector's piece. Marvin, could I have the Sharpie? Thanks. There - a commemorative Obama-Biden Inauguration plate, signed by me, the 44th president of the United States. Okay, do I hear fifty dollars?

Fiftaaaaay. Fiftay.

Okay, you know what? Before the bidding gets too crazy, I think I'm gonna keep this one for myself. Sold! To the president of the United States, for $100! Marvin, could you pay Paul and Vil? I'm a little short this week.

And there you have it folks, a great start to a great public garage sale. It's great seeing our investments at work, with Pal and Vaul $100 closer to the money they'll need to pay their federal go-kart racketeering fine. Unfortunately, I have to fly back to Washington to create more innovative programs, but please stick around for more of these incredible bargains!

God bless you, and God bless the United States of America yuh-yuh-YUHYUHYEHYEEYEESCQREEEE

Dangit, can somebody do something about the feedback?

Vintage Torque Fest 2012

Spent yesterday afternoon at the Jackson County Fairgrounds in Maquoketa, Iowa, taking in the 3rd annual Vintage Torque Fest, where I also took in $5 pork-chops-on-a-stick and lungfuls of dust from the quarter mile bowl dirt track. Tastiest of all was the delicious iron on hand, as evinced by the following photo essay. Click here to embiggen, and punch "show info" for some of my commentary. God Bless Iowa! 

Julia's Circle of Life

The continuing adventures of Barack Obama's favorite eyeless, mouthless government dependent

Your 2012 Iowahawk Earth Week Cruise-In Grand Champion Carbonator

After carefully considering all the wonderful entries in the 7th Annual Iowahawk Earth Week Cruise-In, it's time for me to recognize who went above and beyond the call of carbon duty and earned immortality in our Hall of Champions. Let me thank the over 100 entrants this year, from 4 continents, who once again made this my favorite blogging tradition. Everyone was special in its own way, but unfortunately only one can wear the crown as Grand Champion Carbonator. 

And the winner is....

The 2012 Iowahawk Earth Week Cruise-In

The trill of robins and the roar of 2-stroke lawn mowers herald the return of my favorite blogular tradition: yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the 7th Annual Iowahawk Earth Week Cruise-In where together we celebrate Mother Earth - the Ultimate MILF®!  Over the next 7 days I will once again be highlighting my readers' impeccable taste in vehicles and insatiable thirst for fossil fuels. Over the years I have proudly raised awareness that, when it comes to providing life-sustaining carbon to our planet's trees, nobody makes Iowahawk readers ride shotgun. Just take a gander at the amazeballs entries from last year's Cruise-In!

Despite the prevailing prices for premium unleaded, nitromethane and rocket fuel, I'm anticipating another record breaking installment. Want to get in on the fun? Here are the entry rules:

1. Submit a photo or video of your hooptie (preferably as a link), along with a pithy description, to the email link on the left using the subject line "Cruise In".

2. Eligibility is open to fuel-powered human conveyances (cars, motorcycles, boats, aircraft, spacecraft, etc.) and other devices at my discretion. E.g., an electric blender is not interesting; a blown Hemi-powered blender is.

3. Please submit only those vehicles you personally own, or have stolen: I know many of you have pics of other people's cars, but this exhibition is about taking personal responsibility for the environment.

4. If your vehicle was featured in last year's Cruise-In, please wait 'til next year to re-enter. Let's keep it fresh, people!

5. Deadline for submission is Sunday, April 22.

Once the entries arrive I will post daily updates, with newest entries on top. And, when the contest concludes, I will take each into consideration before crowning the 2012 Iowahawk Earth Week Grand Champion Carbonator.

Let The Carbonating Begin!

Inflammatory Expert Cited

Who does ace motivator Tony Robbins turn to for motivation? Little ol' inflammatory me, that's who. Here's a new video where he revises and updates my post "How to Feed Your Family on $10 Billion Per Day" which my pal Bill Whittle brought to video last year.

Begins in earnest about the 6:50 mark. Many thanks, TR. By the way, if you ever need an inspiring motivational guest speaker, I'd avoid the hell out of me.

Andrew Breitbart, 1969-2012

A few months ago I was in Los Angeles for a car show, and decided to text Andrew Breitbart about getting together for drinks. We occasionally shared a glass or two whenever he was in Chicago, or I in L.A.; I always enjoyed my brief visits inside his non-stop maelstrom, and for whatever reason he put up with my company. "Can't," he replied. "Am at the Venice Xmas boat parade with family. Want to join us?"

I drove there and met him at the home of Orson Bean (the Hollywood Blacklist actor who also happened to be his father in-law) and joined him and Eric Volz on the deck to watch the passing aquatic floats of what is arguably America's most leftist city. Like always, we wedged in a little stream-of-conscious conversation, punctuated by his ever-beckoning cell phone and the hugging entreaties of his four kids. "Cool, isn't it?" he grinned, pointing to a passing raft bearing a Rolling Stones cover band. "I love this."

It was the last time I ever saw Breitbart, who died early today at 43. He left an electronic media legacy that will be hard to top, having helped launch the Drudge Report, the HuffingtonPost, Breitbart.com, and his collection of "Big" sites. He was an unapologetic conservative, but one who defied the media's template; pro-civil rights, pro-drug legalization, pro-gay rights, to the point of boycotting CPAC when it barred the gay conservative group GOProud. Other than his mainstream pro-life views (he was, after all, adopted) you would be hard pressed to characterize him as a right winger on social issues.

So how did this socially liberal Jewish RINO from Brentwood become the Emmanuel Goldstein of the left's unhinged 2-Minutes Hate? A lot of it, I suspect, is a viral strain of mindless repetition. I have appalled a few nice progressive friends by revealing my friendship with Breitbart. They know good people, like me, are supposed to despise him, but pressed can't quite articulate why. Or cite his reported support for slavery and gay concentration camps or somesuch. Its most concentrated form takes place in the anonymity of comment threads and Twitter feeds. My personal favorite is the frequent taunting of Breitbart as gay, where the taunter either (a) assumes Breitbart considers it an insult, or (b) actually means it as an insult.

Breitbart, of course, reveled in it, and took great delight in retweeting and exposing that hate, the real source of which is clear: unlike meek approval-seeking chickenshits like me, he relished poking at hornets' nests, lifting up rocks, calling out the bullies on the playground. He made himself an enemy of corrupt political con artists who operate on latent threats of thuggery, called them out on it, and, best of all, knew exactly how they would react before they did. He deserved a Pulitzer, but got something better: their opprobrium. 

Plenty will be written about Andrew Breitbart in the next few days, some flattering, some not. As for me, I will drink two beers in his honor tonight, and remember him the way he was last December in Venice - a big, lovable, random, generous, fearless, patriotic grinning goofball surrounded by his family, basking in the coolness of it all. 

It's a Mod, Mod, Mod, Mod World

Besides hot rods and cheap beer, I am also a sucker for the clean, minimalist postwar industrial design revolution which has become known as Midcentury Modern. Enough of a sucker that me and my lovely missus make an annual February pilgrimage west to attend Palm Springs Modernism Week. Last weekend was our 6th, sandwiched between some fun in Los Angeles. Please to enjoy some photo highlights; if you're in SoCal this weekend, take a trip out to the desert and enjoy some stylish Rat Pack fun during Mod Week's concluding days.

A Fistful of Rebates

It’s halftime. 

Both teams are in their locker rooms discussing what they can do to win this game in the second half. Diagramming plays. Texting their agents and German supermodel wives. Reviewing Belichick's aerial spy photos.

It’s halftime in America, too. People are hurting, and it isn't because of towel snapping and the ol' Kramergesic-in-the-jockstrap prank. They’re beat up and bruised, and wondering what they’re going to do to make a comeback. We’re all scared, because this isn’t a game. And because we're up against the Dragons and their all-Asia linebacker Hong Kong Chong with his crazy 'roid rage chopsockey chop-blocks. 

The people of Detroit know a little something about this. Okay, yeah, so this isn't Detroit, it's actually New Orleans. So sue me. We were supposed to film this in Detroit, but GM rented it out to film their Chevy Truck Apocalypse ad. But imagine this really was Detroit, with all its gritty inspiring he-man decay. When the chips were down we all pulled together, hosed down the streets, and turned up the dramatic shadow lighting. Now Motor City is fighting again - as the world's cheapest location shoot for zombie movies. 

Sure, I’ve seen a lot of tough eras, a lot of downturns in my life. I was in 'Every Which Way But Loose,' for crissakes. There were times when we didn’t understand each other, because you complained that I sounded like an emphezema victim who gargled with Grape Nuts. The fog of division, discord, and blame made it hard to see what lies ahead, no matter how hard I squinted.

Goddammit, somebody get me a throat lozenge.

But after those trials, we all rallied around what was right, and acted as one. Did you see me bitch and whine after 30 takes with a smelly orangutan? No. I sucked it up and yelled 'action' one more time. Because that’s what we do. We find a way through tough times, and if we can’t find a way, then we’ll call the trainer and order another orangutan, one that doesn't throw its turds at the union crew.

All that matters now is what’s ahead. How do we come from behind? How do we come together? And, how about we slip a couple hundred bucks the ref?

Detroit’s showing us it can be done. Just like Sergio Leone did with Spaghetti Westerns, It's reinventing a dying American institution with a fistful of dollars from sleazy Italians - and with me at the top of the marquee.

You're seeing the results in innovative new cars like this pink Fiat 500 J-Lo Edition. Maybe it's not a Gran Torino, but it's made in Torino. Or Ontario, or something. The important point is this: you buy one of these Italian-Canadian babies, and you'll be getting Chrysler the cash it needs to pay back the loans to the government that pays the bills for everybody in this whole city. 

And, what’s true about Detroit is true about all of us. This country can’t be knocked out with one punch. We get back up, slip again, and send the video to our personal injury lawyer. And when we do - the world is going to hear the roar of our engines.

Well, maybe not 'roar.' What sound does a solar electric engine make? Zweep or something, I guess. Anyway, they'll hear something like that.

And if Emperor Toyota thinks he can underestimate us again, like back in '41 - well, Make My Day, Punkazuki. A new Enola Gay is headed your way, and Captain Obama and his fightin' boys from the UAW are ready to drop a hybrid electric PT Cruiser to blow your market share back to the Stone Age.

Yeah, it’s halftime America. But we're only down 15.4 trillion to 0. Now let's get back out there and cover the Vegas spread. 

And, speaking of hideous rusted clunkers from Detroit, please enjoy Madonna's halftime show. 

 

CHRYSLER - DODGE - JEEP - FIAT - DESOTO - GOOD - BAD - UGLY

IMPORTED FROM DETROIT

INDEBTED TO OBAMA 

Journalistic Sun Stroke

Sometimes our intrepid media class chooses to cover a story that perfectly (if inadvertently) illustrates the real problem: our intrepid media class.

Case in point: the Washington Post's Sunday feature on the Solyndra scandal.

In reading the headline one initially takes some solace that, however overdue, the WaPo finally has gotten around to cover this half-billion dollar backdoor heist of the public treasury by cronies of the President. Even more so in the fact that they actually label it correctly as a "scandal." But it soon evaporates as one digests the lede, which helpfully chooses a human face to represent the victims of this scandal - one Linda Sterio.

Ms. Sterio, we learn, is one of 1,100 former Solyndra employees "betrayed" with layoffs when the sham solar company went tits-up. To really amp up the Pulitzer-bait bathos, the Post illustrates the article with a neo-Margaret Bourke White Grapes of Wrath photo featuring the still-unemployed Ms. Sterio gazing mournfully into an uncertain future. 

And why does Ms. Sterio find herself in this unpleasant predicament? Let's return to the Post for an answer, which, as it turns out, is "politics." In the upper levels of the Obama adminstration, we learn that "[r]arely, if ever, was there discussion of the impact that Solyndra’s collapse would have on laid-off workers or on the development of clean-energy technology."

There you have it. In the Post's sob story narrative, the problem is not that a politically-connected network of donors devised a con to loot taxpayers of a half billion dollars; to the contrary, it's that the government negligently allowed the Solyndra scam to collapse, thereby depriving Ms. Sterio of her "clean-energy job." And, by implication, it continues to "betray" her by not creating another clean-energy job for her elsewere. 

Look, I have nothing against Linda Sterio, any more than I have anything against a waitress unwittingly employed by an Al Capone speakeasy. I wish her well in obtaining employment. But let's be clear: the scandal is not that she lost her job at Solyndra, it's that she ever had a job at Solyndra. And that she, and countless others, were deprived jobs at legitimate businesses because government sucked $500 million out capital markets to endorse and underwrite the "clean-energy" hustles of its favorite check-writing eco-crooks. 

The price of newsprint being what it is, I suppose it might be too much to ask the WaPo to run photos of the real victims of this scam, the 100 million or so American taxpayers who were left to pick up the tab. Unlike Ms. Sterio we never got a paycheck out of it, only a $5 invoice. But would it kill the Post's editors to occasionally re-examine its J-school narratives and acknowledge sometimes failure is not the result of Government Not Doing Enough?