George W. Bush's Top Ten Lesser Achievements

The White House has issued "speech toppers", or talking points that glowingly sum up President George W. Bush's eight year-long legacy. Among the talking points:

He kept the American people safe after 9/11

Lifting the economy after 2001 through tax cuts

Curbed AIDS in Africa

Maintained the honor and the dignity of his office.

However, the memo to Cabinet officials also lauded President Bush's other, lesser-known but still significant accomplishments. What were they?

10) Almost completely kept the Presidential golf cart out of the salad bar of the Congressional cafeteria.

9) In 2002, killed, buried and replaced Nancy Pelosi with converted love doll.

8) Got back on the horse and conquered a soft pretzel liberally dipped with Jack Daniels.

7) Replaced AIDS in Africa with less time- and money-intensive life-threatening diseases.

6) Using his Presidential prerogative, limited vulture fund managers to taking Third World Nations to court for money only, thereby abolishing the 2003 Human Slavery clause.

5) Successfully resisted urge to replace former FEMA director Michael Brown with the skeleton of the Elephant Man to see if anyone would notice.

4) In 2008, asked the petroleum cartels to bail out the federal government to pay off the bailouts of everyone else.

3) Forbade tobacco chewing during state dinner honoring Queen Elizabeth II.

2) Once played GEARS OF WAR 3 for 36 straight hours, which inspired a strategy dealing with Iran.

1) Allowed himself to be talked out of lobbing baseballs at the big red button at the Pentagon.