Whatever

I mentioned in my con report that I had received an ARC of Redshirts, my upcoming novel; for those of you who are for some reason skeptical about that (why? why?) here it is on my desk. And before you ask, no, it has not been licked. That was a one-time thing, people.

I think most of you know that ARC is an acronym for Advance Reader Copy, which is the version of the book publishers give to reviewers and booksellers so they can do their respective evaluations. It’s the text of the book, prior to a final sweep for text errors and possibly a few edits. The ARCs of The Ghost Brigades, for example, was missing a sentence or two from the final page.

In addition to the text of the novel, the ARC also often lets booksellers and other interested parties (including the author him or herself) know what the promotion and marketing plans for the book are. As an example, here’s the plan for Redshirts:

I knew most of this, although a couple of things were a surprise to me. Hey! I’m gonna do Redshirt podcasts! Well, okay. It could be fun. Also, consider this the announcement that yes, I will be doing a book tour this year, almost certainly in June, which is when the book is out. No, I don’t know which cities, and if you tell me “you should come to [insert city here]!” I’ll do what I usually do, which is to say, that would be fantastic but it’s not up to me, since I go where they tell me. I’ll also note that these noted marketing plans aren’t everything; between now and the release date I may have a few surprises for you.

That’s all very nice, you say, but what I really want is an ARC. Well, if you’re a reviewer you can request one from Tor; they’re putting together a list. My own set of ARCs is at this point entirely claimed, except for one. Which I will probably give away here… after I devise some nefarious contest that pits all of you against each other in a bloody fray BWA HA HA HAH HA HAH HA.

Sorry, I really need to stop typing when my id takes over. Point is: Yes, I’ll do a giveaway here at some point. Be vigilant.

I am soooooooo far behind on e-mail at the moment. I swear I’m going to catch up on most of it this afternoon. If you had e-mailed me in the last couple of weeks and were hoping for a response and do not get one by noon tomorrow, please feel free to resend. Thanks.

The Supreme Court unanimously says law enforcement needs a warrant for GPS monitoring. I like the part where it’s unanimous. Here’s a pdf of the decision.

My Confusion convention weekend started a bit inauspiciously; when Krissy and I arrived at the hotel the con was at, we noticed that I had managed to leave my suitcase behind, meaning that as far as clothing was concerned, I had what I was wearing and that was all. This precipitated a moment of panic before I realized I was a relatively well-off individual who lived in an advanced, first-world country, and could easily procure new attire at one of the numerous retailers who dotted the local landscape. Problem solved.

Other than that minor hiccup, Confusion was fantastic. I think many of you know that I consider Confusion my “home” convention — i.e., the convention I go to just for fun and to see friends rather than to flog myself and my product — so it’s usually a chance to relax and hang out and enjoy myself. This year was no exception to that; while I did programming (the first time in a couple of years, actually), what the convention was mostly about was catching up with people I like and getting to meet some new people as well.

This year was especially good for the latter, since Confusion was rather ridiculously top-heavy with writers this year. Above and beyond the usual local crowd (in which I include myself, as well as Anne Harris, Sarah Zettel, Tobias Buckell and Jim C. Hines among others) there was also Patrick Rothfuss (as the Guest of Honor), Brent Weeks, Peter V. Brett, Joe Abercrombie, Jay Lake, Robin Hobb, Elizabeth Bear, Scott Lynch, Howard Andrew Jones, Brad Beaulieu, Saladin Ahmed (who is actually local now, so: ONE OF US ONE OF US ONE OF US), Cat Rambo, Kristine Smith, Michelle Sagara and debut novelist Myke Cole and a bunch of others I’m forgetting and not naming because eventually lists become boring. The point is: Dude, many cool writers, many of whom I got to meet in the flesh for the first time.

I have already discussed the Legendary Licked Book of Epic Confusion, but other highlights of the weekend included bringing scrunchies and a lacy hot pink thong to a D&D game featuring many of the writers name-checked above, attending the release party for Saladin’s excellent and almost absurdly well-reviewed debut novel Throne of the Crescent Moon (which will have a Big Idea feature soon, incidentally), where among other things we discussed unlubricated emus and thrilled to Joe Abercrombie’s fabulous and almost too-accurate Admiral Ackbar imitation, and my joint reading with Toby Buckell, at which he unleashed the first chapter of Arctic Rising, his new (and very good) near future thriller.

I myself showed off the ARC of Redshirts (which Tor very graciously sent over to me at the hotel, so I could in fact show them off) and tried not to go all Gollum and scream “NO! MY PRECIOUS!!” whenever anyone asked to see it. On the other hand, the most common thing people did when I did hand them the ARC was to pretend to run, so you tell me who was being paranoid here. I think at least a couple of them would have run, had not Krissy, my vengeful, raven-tressed Amazon of a wife, been on hand to tackle and punish them. And punish them she would have. My wife is awesome.

Basically, it was a fantastic time all around and you wish you could have been there, unless you were there, in which case, you are glad you were. I’m looking forward to doing it all over again next year. Although next year I really do intend to remember my suitcase.

While I was away at a science fiction convention, the world stubbornly went on without me. Here’s what I think of some of what happened.

Photo by Gage Skidmore via Wikinews

* South Carolina GOP Primary: Loved it. Dear Republicans: I think your current reignited fling with Newt Gingrich is fantastic. Definitely make him your nominee. He’s the only candidate still in the race who can win over independents! He’ll totally destroy Obama in the debates! He’s cuddly! I can see no possible way the “Newt as nominee” plan could ever go wrong. Please do it. Please please please please please please please.

Even better: Newt/Santorum 2012! Just think about it.

* Joe Paterno, Dead: I don’t find it too surprising. A man who spent his life doing one thing, and who had it taken away from him in the most dramatic and dispiriting way possible, is not a man who is going to be in a position to put up a huge fight against a life-threatening illness. Mind you, that last sentence appears to excuse Paterno from agency (or lack thereof) in having his life’s work taken from him, and I don’t want to do that. Paterno’s failures regarding the sexual predator in his circle are his to own, now and forever. I know it pisses off a lot of Penn State alumni and/or football fans that it will always be part of his legacy. I imagine in his last days it made Paterno sad as well.

* Giants/Patriots in the Super Bowl: On Super Bowl Sunday, I’m going to the alternate universe where the Ravens and 49ers are playing. That’s a game worth watching commercials around!

* SOPA shelved: Good, because it was a terrible bill. Maybe next time if Congress wants to craft a bill to deal with copyright violations on the Internet, it might actually ask the people who work on the Internet how to do it without potentially breaking the whole damn thing. I’d like to think it’s achievable.

That said, anyone who thinks that SOPA being shelved means that everyone’s suddenly giving up on dealing with copyright violations online are deluding themselves; one of the largely unmentioned aspects of the SOPA/PIPA protests is how just about every major player in the protest acknowledged that IP rights are a legitimate issue and have to be dealt with. It would be nice to think this is the inflection point at which everyone grows up a little and tries to build a framework that helps rightsholders control their IP and makes it easy for other people to legitimately own, share and enjoy create work from artists they like. Hey, shut up. I can dream.

* Megaupload shuttered: Inasmuch as I myself repeatedly found unauthorized copies of my work being made available via Megaupload, necessitating frequent missives to lawyers to have them do their DMCA dance, I’m a) willing to believe that the company was not working all that hard to comply with laws relating to copyrighted work, b) not going to cry huge, salty tears over its at least temporary demise. At least one other file-sharing site has changed how it does business in the wake of the Megaupload shuttering, and I suspect we might be at a point where file-sharing sites in general have a deep, introspective moment about how they do their business. I’m fine with that, although I wish it hadn’t taken the Feds seizing the domain name of a company and charging its principals with racketeering in order to do it.

There, now I think I’m all caught up.

I’ll get to a more general wrap-up of this year’s edition of the Confusion science fiction and fantasy convention later on, but I wanted to call your attention to a particular book and why it is, in its almost-certainly-unique way, the most epic book in all of science fiction and fantasy right at this moment.

To preface, at this year’s Confusion convention, Subterranean Press and I gave away hundreds of copies of my book The Sagan Diary to the attendees of the con, because why not. Most attendees seemed to be pretty happy with the freebie, and I spent a not-trivial amount of time at the con signing the copies that came my way.

If there was one person who did not actually need a free copy of the book, however, it was me; I’ve got, oh, just a few down in my basement at the moment. Nevertheless the convention folks, either unintentionally or because they thought it would be amusing, stuffed one of the books into my convention packet.

What to do with this extraneous book? Someone suggested I sign it to myself (“Dear John: You bastard. I know you slept with my wife. JS”) but that seemed, well, sort of silly. So I did what I feel was a much more logical and rational thing instead: I opened the book to the title page, licked it, and then signed the book as follows:

“I hereby testify that this copy has been ensalivated by me — John Scalzi”

And suddenly the book had become a collector’s item. After all, there are many books signed by me, but signed and licked? Fewer than you might think.

And then, since my wife was there, and the book is dedicated to her, I had her lick and sign the book as well. And then it became even more special.

And then I looked up and saw that, in fact, the little area in which I was then currently standing was positively packed with writers. And, well. You can guess what happens next.

And thus was born The Legendary Licked Book of Epic Confusion, the only book in the world signed and licked by fifteen fantastic science fiction and fantasy authors (and my wife).

Who are the luminaries who have graced the book with their DNA? Aside from my wife and myself, they are, in alphabetical order:

Joe Abercrombie
Saladin Ahmed
Elizabeth Bear
Peter V. Brett
Tobias Buckell
Myke Cole
Jim C. Hines
Jay Lake
Scott Lynch
Cat Rambo
Patrick Rothfuss
Michelle Sagara
Kristine Smith
Brent Weeks

How many books have these fabulous authors signed? Many. How many have they licked? Very few. How many have they licked and signed? Fewer still. And how many have all of them signed and licked?

Only one, my friends. And this is it. I suspect, for organizational as well as hygienic reasons, it will remain the only one in existence between now and the very heat death of the universe.

(And how did I convince all of these people to lick this book? Bwa ha ha ha hah ha ha ha! If only you knew.)

What shall be done with this infamous depository of ink and genetic information? Some have suggested I will use it to raise a clone army of science fiction and fantasy writers to do my dark bidding and/or be my sex slaves and/or mow my lawn, which is unreasonably large. And while these are all compelling ideas, full of merit, what I suspect I will do is think upon a worthy charity and then auction off The Licked Book of Epic Confusion to raise money for said charity. That seems like the best use of this particular book. And then the winner may use it to raise a clone army of science fiction and fantasy writers to do their dark bidding and/or be their sex slaves and/or mow my lawn (it still needs mowing, damn it). I’ll let you all know when I have it figured out.

(Also, in advance: thanks, but suggestions for charities are not needed at this point. I’m pretty good at doing that part.)

For now: Gaze upon it, the Legendary Licked Book of Epic Confusion! You will not see its like again. I still can’t believe I got away with it.

We made it home alive, or if we died we have excellent momentum. This year’s edition of the Confusion convention was, as promised, epic. More details to come, when I’ve unpacked, caught up on e-mail and seen my kid.

One day, songs will be sung about the legendary Licked Book of Epic Confusion.

That is all.

I’m off to the Epic Confusion convention this weekend to hang out with friends, sign lots and lots of books and cause the sort of mischief that I will need for an interesting autobiography a quarter of a century from now. So I won’t be around here much. But! My absence is your opportunity! Because while I am traveling and hanging about with friends and plotting horrible things to do to Pat Rothfuss when he’s not looking, I am leaving this thread for you to tell other people who visit the site about cool stuff you’ve found elsewhere online, including, if you’re so inclined, your own stuff. So then they can link through, be amused, and then everyone is happy and an angel gets its wings. Those poor wingless angels, just hoping for wings!

All you have to do is go to the comment thread, leave a brief description of the thing you’re pointing people at, and then leave a link (typing in the URL should do just fine). I suggest one cool thing per post, because too many links will punt your comment into my moderation thread. I’ll be checking in on the comment thread to release these comments, so don’t panic, I’ll get your comment out of moderation if it gets in there. But the easiest way to avoid this: One link per comment. Which means, yes, you can post more than one comment. Remember, though: Quality is better than quantity.

My own link for you:

Walter Jon Williams, Nancy Kress and special guest lecturer Daniel Abraham are the faculty of this “graduate-level” two-week science fiction and fantasy workshop. As the site says, “If you’ve sold a few stories and then stalled out, or if you’ve been to Clarion or Odyssey and want to re-connect with the workshop community, this is the workshop for you!” They’re accepting applications now for their 2012 session, which takes place this year June 10 through 23. Check it out.

There’s mine. What’s yours?

And I’m not exactly an Elmo fan. At all.

The literature articles of Salon.com should come with a warning which states “Best read after jamming an ice pick into your frontal lobe, the better to blunt the pain of screaming entitlement,” and I know that, so really, I’m the asshole here for not having such a tool handy, to employ immediately after linking through to the site. I just want that out there. This is my fault.

That said, honestly, this has got to be just about the most incoherent piece of enviously fumbly writer spew I’ve read in a long time, and I’m having a really hard time winkling out what it’s actually trying to say. As best as I can tell it’s saying “Jennifer Weiner thinks she’s got it rough, but her problems aren’t really problems and it’s really men writers who have it rough because women actually read, but then again men writers get perks because they’re men, so, in sum, I’m doing fine even though I don’t sell a lot a books and also Jennifer Weiner should just shut up her best selling woman pie hole.”

I admit I’m condensing and paraphrasing. But that’s what I got out of it. In a sense it’s a tour de force, since it first asserts inequity against men, then acknowledges male privilege, and ends with mansplaining to a woman how she should feel. It’s like a triple axel directly into a pile of pig manure. It’s impressive in its way, but you have to question the wisdom of skating on shit to begin with.

In all seriousness: What was the point of this article, other than to allow this fellow to vent at Jennifer Weiner because she sells more than he does? How does Ms. Weiner’s success invalidate her point that the data suggests male writers are disproportionately featured in the nation’s premier literary review, whose influence resonates well beyond its own pages? It does not, and the article’s “Your facts may be technically correct but you’re the literary 1% so therefore what you have to say is invalid, and now having disposed of your irrelevant concerns, let me, as a man, tell you what the real scandal is, which involves us poor men” thing is so widely missing the point, and cluelessly dismissive of the point, that it’s a little breathtaking.

Do men writing mid-list literary fiction have a harder time of it than women? Got me; I write science fiction, where I have to tell you the men are doing just fine. But this fellow may be correct in his assertion; it may even be a topic on which an interesting article could be written, which then jumpstarts a conversation about the current state of the lit fic genre. I submit to you, however, this is not that article, nor does that article need to be surrounded with a bunch of fuming envy pointed in the direction of Jennifer Weiner, whose own point regarding the New York Times and its literature coverage is almost entirely unrelated to that other topic.

So, again: Am I missing something here? I don’t think I am. I will say this article confirms my long-standing opinion that the seven most damaging words in the English language for the reputation of any novelist might very well be “I just wrote an article for Salon.” Writer, beware.

Some stuff:

* Bye, Rick Perry! It’s been fun. Now you’re just Texas’ problem again, which, of course, is just fine. I also thank you for putting the rest of the US off Texas governors for a while. I think we need a fallow period there. Something along the lines of 40 years should do just fine.

* And look! Newt’s coming back in the polls! The Newtmentum is strong: He’s now within polling error of Romney in South Carolina polls, mostly, it seems, because apparently everyone forgot that Romney was a capitalist and then suddenly remember and then there was Newt, eyes moist with glee, risen like the bemasked serial killer you stupidly turned your back on and yet stayed in the same room with. And Perry just endorsed Gingrich! It’s Nightmare on Bain Street!

Honestly, I thought Romney had packed this one away, but then, as with football, this is why you actually play the games. Just remember, Republicans: The longer you string this out, the happier Obama is. You’re making Obama smile right now. That big, toothy smile of his.

* Seriously, I think there may be a SuperPAC out there, funded by Democrats, whose entire point is to string out this particular GOP primary season as long as humanly possible. It’s paranoid conspiracy thinking, yes, but come on. Is there another rational explanation? That’s more fun to think about? I say no.

* Oh, and also? Romney didn’t actually win Iowa. But no one wants to say he lost it, either. Look, at this point, just have him and Rick Santorum flip a coin before tonight’s debate, and we’ll call it done.

* Incidentally, I’ve had some people ask why I link a lot to TalkingPointsMemo when I talk about politics. Well, aside from the fact it’s a well-run organization with good political information (yes, from a lefty point of view), there’s also the fact that Josh Marshall and I went to school together, so, you know. Go, Josh. At this point he doesn’t really need my support to be successful, mind you.

Not the two different versions of the French cover of Agent to the Stars by Paul Kidby — although, come on, how cool are those, right? Pretty damn cool — but the personalized-to-my-daughter sketch of The Kids Next Door, from the show’s creator, Mr. Warburton, which we naturally also had framed, along with the Kidby pieces. Athena’s a huge fan of the series and apparently sent him fan mail, to which he responded and mentioned my work, which he had read. So he and I exchanged swag, and this sketch was part of that. For doing this for my kid, Mr. Warburton is now on my list of Awesome People Who Are Awesomely Awesome. And it’s a short list, folks.

One of the first things I did after the SOPA/PIPA blackout page here came down? Sent information to lawyers about a file sharing site illegally offering up my work for download.

It’s not actually ironic, as I noted I’m all for the right of creators to be able to defend their copyrights online (and I’m happy I get to borrow my publishers’ lawyers to do so). But if you’re a binary thinker who believes that being against SOPA/PIPA means you therefore have to be fine with people violating copyrights it probably seems so. But those people, well. They’re silly.

As I noted to people on Twitter who reported feeling old after watching this, it’s not you’re so old, it’s that she’s so young.

I’m using WordPress’ “blackout” function today, so most people are seeing the site blacked out through 8pm tonight, but some folks can see it (it seems mostly in countries other than the US, but also some in the US). For those not being blacked out, here’s what I wrote on the blackout page.

I am speaking for myself and only myself.

Here’s the deal. I am a professional writer and the owner of copyrights. I strongly believe that I have a moral and legal right to control how my work is displayed and distributed, online and off. I believe that when my copyrights are violated, I should have a robust set of tools to deal with the issue, if such is my choice, online and offline. I believe every owner of copyrights — everyone who creates art — has these same moral and legal rights, and should have the same ability to address violations. Creators should be able to present their creations on their terms, not anyone else’s.

SOPA/PIPA aren’t the way to do this. These proposed laws are poorly constructed, overly broad and frankly thoughtless, the equivalent of dealing with burglars in someone’s home by carpetbombing every house on the street. You might stop the burglar, but the collateral damage makes it a hollow victory. The collateral damage here would be the hamstringing of the Internet, and trampling rights of speech and expression. That these proposed laws have been debated by a number of US Representatives and Senators who seemed proud of their ignorance of how the Internet works (and at least initially didn’t want to hear from technical experts) made it that much worse.

Let me reiterate: I strongly support the right of creators and copyright owners to control and defend those copyrights, online and offline, and welcome rational, useful tools that allow us to do that. I think it’s possible to create laws, treaties and agreements that allow for such tools without fracturing, possibly to the point of destruction, one of the most successful media for individual expression that we’ve yet managed to devise. We just have to decide to do it intelligently. Encourage your representatives and senators to do that, rather than passing SOPA/PIPA.

– John Scalzi

(Whatever will return in its usual form at 8pm Eastern)

If you were wanting to introduce a young kid to science fiction film, what films would you use to start that education? Over at FilmCritic.com today, I tackle that question and come up with five films to help kids fall in love with science fiction. Find out what they are and why I chose them. And as always, feel free to leave your own thoughts over there.

In a long New York Times feature about George Lucas, the producer and director talks about his relationship with his current girlfriend:

If you’re more beautiful than I am and smarter than I am and you’ll put up with me, that’s all it takes. I’m there.

Boy, do I hear him.

(And yes, before anyone says it in the comments, the dog is more beautiful and smarter than I am, too. Hardy har har, people.)

Over at Tor.com, I’m writing about Starship Troopers, the movie, and why I enjoy it, and how you can enjoy it too. It only requires five steps! You know you want to know about those five steps are. Because not only will they allow you to enjoy the movie, they might change the way you view the whole universe. No lie, man! It’s just that life-changing. Go check it out.

(Oh, and while you’re there? Tor.com Reader’s Poll. Vote in it. And remember the kittens.)