But that's exactly what they want you to think...

So, Amanda posted a call for people to name their favorite conspiracy theories, and I being me, couldn't contain myself. By an order of magnitude. So here we have it, Bark/Bite's top ten conspiracy theories of recent history.

10. JFK I'm not a big fan of JFK conspiracies, but it's gotta be on the list. It would be like discussing rock and roll without mentioning Elvis.

9. The IRS is illegal This barely makes it, because a) it stands in for a whole host of financially-based anti-government conspiracies that were especially popular in the 1980s and 90s. Things like you can become a sovereign citizen and legally refuse to pay federal tax, paper money and the Federal Reserve are unconstitutional, you can legally get out of any amount of debt because the Federal government is illegitimate, etc., and b) because it doesn't necessarily posit a true conspiracy--just that basic facts of civic life are false. But they're important because they motivated a whole host of people to do some outrageous shit, including Timothy McVeigh.

8. Protocols of the Elders of Zion And this one stands in for the whole "Worldwide Jewish Conspiracy" ball of wax. The best thing about the Protocols, though, is that it's the only reputed handbook of a conspiracy that I know of--the actual "take over the world in 24 easy steps" handbook. It's also sometimes considered the birth of conspiracy literature.

7. Suppressed Science/Technology This is less a conspiracy than a trope used in many conspiracy theories. "He proved that ____ [or invented a ____] but the government/oil companies/AMA/PTA/whatever suppressed it." C'mon folks. One thing that the free-market economy does fairly well (while simultaneously doing a lot of ill) is promote innovation. If GM was sitting on a water-fueled engine or a 300-MPG carburetor, do you really think they'd keep it a secret? Or would they quietly build a production infrastructure, divest themselves of the now-doomed petroleum industry, and then unleash it on the market, thereby disemboweling their competition and leaving Ford, Chevy, Honda, Toyota, and everyone else just smoking ruins on the dustbins of history while simultaneously making enough profit to pull a hostile takeover on heaven and downsize God?

6. 9/11 an inside job Almost beneath comment, but the importance is that a lot of lefties are joining the righties on this one. I doubt they agree on who to blame, but I'll tell you this: there is nothing short of a swastika that can discredit your demonstration faster than a "9/11 was an inside job" banner. Please, please, please keep that shit out of the anti-war rallies. We'd like to be taken seriously.

5. Black helicopters Back when this was popular, I really wanted a "My other car is a black helicopter" bumpersticker. But the best thing about it is the notion that the BHs were sent by the UN and full of crack Belgian storm troopers. Belgian stormtroopers? I'm supposed to be scared of Belgian stormtroopers?

4. Weather Control How? How in the fuck would anybody go about controlling the immensely huge and insanely complex elements that make up the weather? If anyone had invented technology that could do this, it would have leaked onto the market long, long ago--there's just too much money to be made (see above), and you can't keep something secret like that for the decades and decades it would take to fully develop it. I mean, Sharper Image would be selling little invisible "Uber-Umbrellas" that clipped onto your belt and magically shielded you from rain.

3. Fluoridated water as mind control. I'm not talking about the potential health effects of fluoride (not that I take them much more seriously). I'm talking about the sweeping explanatory power of fluoride-induced mind control. Kubrick had it spot-on about the obsession with drinking water. The radio station here that used to carry Alex Jones' show (which is broadcast not too far from my house) ran ads for all sorts of silly shit, but I swear--fully 1 out of 3 were for water-purification devices.

2. Chemtrails I don't know--they're just so goofy. Google "chemtrails" and "orgone generator" and see what you get. Grown men and women driving around the US, busting up chemtrails with their homemade orgone generators for the public weal just makes me giggle.

1. Apollo moon landings faked Why? That's what I want to know. Why? And especially almost forty years later, who the fuck cares? I'm sure there's someone out there who can explain why understanding this particular dastardly plot is the key that unlocks an entire parallel universe of evil and deception, but please. It's just so damn pointless.


There you have it. My top ten conspiracy theories. Do you have any faves that I left out?