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President Obama Wondering Why He Always Has To Initiate Phone Call With NCAA Champions

WASHINGTON—In the moments following Alabama's 21-0 victory in the BCS National Championship Monday, President Barack Obama asked several advisers why he always has to be the one to call the winning team’s coach. more »
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Grover Norquist: 'I Engaged In A Week-Long Drug-Fueled Orgy With Corporate Income Taxes'

ISSUE 48•02 | 01.12.12 | Newsroom

President of Americans for Tax Reform Grover Norquist confirms that he carried on a 28-year salacious affair with taxes. more»
Scandalous Photos Reveal Grover Norquist Carried On Secret Affair With Taxes For Years

ISSUE 48•02 | 01.12.12 | News

WASHINGTON—In a scandal that strikes at the very heart of the American anti-tax movement, a series of incriminating photos surfaced online Thursday, revealing that, for decades, leading Republican power broker Grover Norquist has secretly engaged in... more»
Mischievous Raccoon Wreaks Havoc On International Space Station

ISSUE 48•02 | 01.12.12 | Radio News
Obama Spends Wednesday Doing Some Urgings, Some Callings On

ISSUE 48•02 | 01.11.12 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON—During a routine briefing at the White House Thursday, Press Secretary Jay Carney told reporters President Obama would be occupied throughout the day with numerous urgings and callings on. more»
Breaking: Now It's A Party!

ISSUE 48•02 | 01.11.12 | News in Photos
Romney Wins New Hampshire

ISSUE 48•02 | 01.11.12 | American Voices

Presidential candidate Mitt Romney won New Hampshire’s Republican primary yesterday. What do you think? more»
Boss's Threats Hilarious

ISSUE 48•02 | 01.11.12 | Radio News
New Hampshire Primary Excites Tiny Percentage Of Population Who Even Cares What Happens Anymore

ISSUE 48•02 | 01.10.12 | News in Brief

CONCORD, NH—Today's New Hampshire primary, considered crucial to determining 2012's Republican presidential nominee, has excited the tiny percentage of Americans who even give a damn what happens anymore, political analysts told reporters. more»
Fish At Pretty Good Place In Its Life Right Now

ISSUE 48•02 | 01.10.12 | News in Brief

GULF OF MEXICO—Pausing a moment from swimming around its shallow coastal habitat to speak with reporters, a 14-month-old Atlantic thread herring admitted Tuesday that it was currently at a "pretty good place in [its] life" and "couldn... more»
Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 10, 2012

ISSUE 48•02 | 01.10.12 | Horoscope

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t... more»
I Thought We'd Have Flying Slaves By Now

ISSUE 48•02 | 01.10.12 | Commentary

When I pictured the future back in the 18th century, I have to admit this isn't quite what I had in mind. more»
Blue Ivy Taken By Evil Witch Who Gave Beyoncé Her Beautiful Singing Voice

ISSUE 48•02 | 01.10.12 | StarFix

Moments after Beyoncé gave birth, a witch appeared in a cloud of smoke to claim the child as her payment for giving the singer fame, beauty, and talent. more»
Heartbreaking Country Ballad Paralyzes Trucking Industry

ISSUE 48•02 | 01.10.12 | Radio News
Angels Hoping They Can Get Mike Napoli Back Now That They Have Albert Pujols And C.J. Wilson To Trade

ISSUE 48•02 | 01.09.12 | Sports News in Brief

ANAHEIM, CA—After spending $330 million on big-time free agents Albert Pujols and C.J. Wilson, Los Angeles Angels officials said Monday they now feel they have the pieces in place to make a trade for former Angels catcher Mike Napoli. more»
2011 Top Story: Queen Beds Kate Middleton In Royal Tradition

ISSUE 48•02 | 01.09.12 | Onion News Network On IFC

In a major 2011 story, Queen Elizabeth claimed her sovereign right to deflower Kate Middleton immediately following the royal wedding. more»
BCS National Championship Game

ISSUE 47•49 | 12.10.11 | Keys To The Matchup

Alabama gets a mulligan and a chance to lose to LSU for the second time this year in a championship game that doubles as proof the BCS is a complete mess. more»
First Mixed-Embryo Monkey Born

ISSUE 48•02 | 01.09.12 | American Voices

Scientists reported in the journal Cell the first successful birth of a monkey composed of stem cells from six different monkey embryos. more»
Capitol Building Haunted By Spirit Of Killed Piece Of Legislation

ISSUE 48•02 | 01.09.12 | News

WASHINGTON—Beltway sources confirmed rumors this week that the U.S. Capitol is haunted by the ghost of H.R. 4591 more»
The Week In Pictures

ISSUE 48•01 | 01.09.12 | Slideshow
Local Hamburger To Star In National Ad

ISSUE 48•02 | 01.09.12 | Radio News
'Maybe Hang Out In The Water Awhile, Then Look For Some Old Bread,' Duck Tells Self

ISSUE 48•01 | 01.08.12 | News in Photos
Masochistic Record Wants To Be Broken Again

ISSUE 48•02 | 01.08.12 | Sports News in Brief

SAN FRANCISCO—Days after San Francisco 49ers kicker David Akers set the new single-season mark for field goals made, the masochistic record publicly stated its strong desire to be broken "again, and again, and again—shattered even." ... more»
Feds Break Up Brutal Las Vegas Man-Fighting Ring

ISSUE 48•01 | 01.06.12 | Onion Review

President Obama asks the nation this week why on Earth he would want to serve for another term, a Christmas card ominously makes no mention of the twins, and the prime minister of Norway gets laid. more»
On Tebow Taking The Broncos To The Playoffs

ISSUE 48•02 | 01.08.12 | Fan On The Street
All Of Area Man's Hard Work Finally Pays Off For Employer

ISSUE 48•01 | 01.07.12 | News

SAN DIEGO—Following seven straight years of long hours at the office and sacrificed weekends and holidays, all of account manager Sam Hemstead's hard work and single-minded devotion to Pinnacle Automotive Insurance has finally paid off for CEO Charl... more»
NFL Coaches Admit It Sucks When You Have To Punt

ISSUE 48•02 | 01.07.12 | Sports News

NEW YORK—As the 2012 NFL playoffs begin, coaches across the league find themselves in agreement on one fundamental aspect of the game: Punting the ball sucks, because the other team gains possession of the ball. "I was glad we only had to punt ... more»
USB Drives To Watch In 2012

ISSUE 48•01 | 01.06.12 | Sunday Magazine
NFL Playoff Picture

ISSUE 48•02 | 01.06.12 | Sportsgraphic

It's playoff time in the NFL, and we've condensed our expert analysis of each team's chances into a handy capsule form. more»
Andrew Luck

ISSUE 48•02 | 01.06.12 | Strongside/Weakside

The Heisman and a Fiesta Bowl victory may have eluded him, but Andrew Luck is still the consensus No. more»
Norv Turner Fired As Coach Of Chargers, Right?

ISSUE 48•02 | 01.06.12 | Photo Finish
What Did We Find In Our Winter Coat Pockets?

ISSUE 48•01 | 01.06.12 | Statshot
Perry Stays In Race

ISSUE 48•01 | 01.06.12 | American Voices

Despite a disappointing fifth-place finish in the Iowa caucus, Texas governor Rick Perry decided to stay in the Republican presidential race. more»
Rex Ryan: 'Mark Sanchez Was Absolutely Our Quarterback This Year'

ISSUE 48•02 | 01.06.12 | Sports News in Brief

FLORHAM PARK, NJ—Though some in the Jets organization have expressed doubts about Mark Sanchez's role as the team's starting quarterback, head coach Rex Ryan vociferously defended Sanchez Thursday, confirming the former first-round pick was "ab... more»
U.S. Gives Up On Trying To Impress England

ISSUE 48•01 | 01.06.12 | Radio News
Andrew Luck Repeatedly Mentions How Good His Neck Feels During Post Game Interview

ISSUE 48•02 | 01.05.12 | Sports News in Brief

GLENDALE, AZ—Stanford quarterback and projected No. 1 NFL draft pick Andrew Luck spent the majority of his post–Fiesta Bowl interview Tuesday night discussing the superb health and dexterity of his neck. more»
Did The Media Treat Bachmann Unfairly Because She's An Insane Woman?

ISSUE 48•01 | 01.05.12 | Onion News Network On IFC

The First Responders debate whether the media is harder on Michele Bachmann because she is a woman who is crazy. more»
Best Debate Moments

ISSUE 48•01 | 01.05.12 | Infographic

The Republican presidential candidates have participated in 13 debates since last May, with each event seeming to have a different frontrunner. As the Iowa Caucus leads us into the primary season, here are some highlights from the verbal jousts: ... more»
Fracking Causing Earthquakes?

ISSUE 48•01 | 01.05.12 | American Voices

Fracking wastewater is being blamed for several recent Youngstown, OH earthquakes, including one that reached a magnitude of 4.0. more»
Man Suspected Of Being Bumbling Spy

ISSUE 48•01 | 01.05.12 | News

WASHINGTON—Citing his erratic social behaviors, sudden unexplained disappearances, nondescript occupation, and habit of accidentally walking off piers while pretending to read newspapers, acquaintances of 37-year-old Jeff Walther said Thursday they ... more»
New Prescription-Only Sandwich Extra Delicious

ISSUE 48•01 | 01.05.12 | Radio News
'These Last Two Are Gonna Be Real Turds,' George R.R. Martin Assures Fans

ISSUE 48•01 | 01.04.12 | News in Brief

SANTA FE, NM—In the wake of last year's highly successful publication of the fifth installment in his A Song Of Ice And Fire series, author George R.R. more»
NHL Tries To Pass Off Commercial Flight As Flyover For Winter Classic

ISSUE 48•01 | 01.04.12 | Sports News in Brief

PHILADELPHIA—NHL officials seized the opportunity given them when a United Airlines 737 passed over Citizen's Park Bank during the opening festivities of Monday's Winter Classic, attempting to convince the 46,967 fans in attendance that flight 2734 ... more»
Obama Openly Asks Nation Why On Earth He Would Want To Serve For Another Term

ISSUE 48•01 | 01.04.12 | News

PITTSBURGH—Citing three years of exhausting partisan politics, constant gridlock in Congress, and an overall feeling that the entire nation has "completely lost it," President Barack Obama openly asked a campaign-rally crowd Tuesday why h... more»
Some Organics Not Green

ISSUE 48•01 | 01.04.12 | American Voices

As they ramp up production to meet the demands of a growing market, some organic farms are coming under scrutiny for agricultural practices that may do more harm to the land than good. more»
Dead Werewolf Apparently Allergic To Peanuts

ISSUE 48•01 | 01.04.12 | Radio News