Mitt Romney released a Spanish-language ad in Florida Wednesday in an attempt to put a swift end to the other presidential hobbyists’ efforts to prevent him from having to concede to President Obama in November. ODDLY, Romney’s ad comes just as he’s earned the endorsement (and endorsed the endorsement, obviously, because he has no friends) of Kris Kobach, aka the Kansas secretary of state and the architect of Arizona’s awful immigration law, SB 1070, and the even stricter Alabama law HB 56. Kobach is affiliated with two really creepy organizations, the Immigration Reform Law Institute and the Federation for American Immigration Reform, and he appears to spend every waking hour trying to take down pro-immigrant laws from states as far and wide as Pennsylvania, Texas and Nebraska. READ MORE »
Michelle Obama didn’t read that new book about her and the President, but she does have something to say about the tales therein. In an interview airing on CBS’s “This Morning” Wednesday (here’s a preview), the First Lady says, among other things, that she’s sick of being portrayed as “some kind of angry black woman.” “I guess it’s just more interesting to imagine this conflicted situation here,” she adds. EXCUSE ME, SOMEONE IS TRYING TO SELL A BOOK HERE, FLOBAMA. READ MORE »
Ha ha, the 2012 GOP primary season may turn out to be a boring one, but at least it will be really, really weird: here, for example, is amoral Fox News imp-turd Sean Hannity staring in disbelief as Rick Perry smacks down Mitt Romney for being a “vulture capitalist” over and over like a drugged armadillo. Hannity steps in to demand: WHY DO YOU SOUND LIKE AN OCCUPY COMMUNIST? READ MORE »
Mitt Crazy Eyes/9000/My Twinn Doll Romney has been declared the winner of the New Hampshire primary, seizing 37.3 percent of the vote, according to AP, with 43 percent of precincts reporting as of the time that this post was delivered to the Internet. Ron Paul is second with 23.4 percent, and Jon Huntsman scurried up to third place with 17.4 percent. READ MORE »
NO we have not yet entered the 2012 general election phase of America’s ongoing destruction, but YES, it is time for a Wonkette drinking game, because how else was anyone planning to survive the hailstorm of dildos raining Apocalypse and Gloom on our nation from the New Hampshire GOP primary tonight? Yeah, WE THOUGHT SO. Let’s recap: Mitt Romney is going to win, but if he wins by less than a 250-million-point margin, then he has Lost, forever, because then the entire universe (Twitter) would be required to shut up about who will win the Republican nomination (hint: he won’t win by enough for this to happen). Ron Paul might win second place because no one has been paying attention to his batshit platform of dismantling the federal government and HOORAY MAREE-JUWANNA LEGALIZATION, and Jon Huntsman will come in third or possibly second because whatever, “Hunts-mentum” was a fun distraction for a couple seconds. Everyone else amounts to the collection of empty acid rainwater-soaked Skoal canisters piled outside your Uncle Bruce’s trailer. Let the drinking begin! READ MORE »
Oklahoma’s 10th Circuit Court of Appeals struck down Oklahoma’s proposed amendment to ban the use of Sharia law in the state Tuesday, helping to catapult this evil maneuver into oblivion. The court’s ruling upheld a lower court’s 2011 decision to block the amendment, which received 70 percent support when it was passed in a 2010 referendum. The amendment was essentially an Islamophobic attempt to define what it means to live in America. Muneer Awad, a community leader in Oklahoma, filed a suit in response to the amendment, saying that if passed, it “would affect every aspect of his life, including his will and testament.” READ MORE »
Spying the young people hanging out chez Paul, Huntsman and even Romney, Gingrich and formerly Santorum in New Hampshire, you would think that they were slightly revved up about 2012. But New Hampshire’s young people also happen to have the most student debt, on average, of all the states. Many of these young folk are likely living at home, don’t have jobs, and identify with the Occupy movement, if they’re not actually participating in it. What, for this set of New Hampshire residents, might be the advantages of electing a Newt or a Mitt 9000? Since these guys could set up a veritable trust fund for America using their own earnings, could that mean they’ll use their powerful potential positions to use money that doesn’t belong to them (but to us) to make things easier for Our Future?!?! Read on for the surprising answer! READ MORE »
KNOWN FACT: Unemployed people are lazy and refuse to get jobs. Why else would South Carolina’s unemployment rate always be hanging out around ten percent? So here’s an idea from the state’s Republican lawmakers: if the jobless don’t want to work for money, they should at least be legally required to work for free, right? Right. So State Senator Paul Campbell has introduced a bill to convert workers who are unemployed longer than six months and still want to receive state benefits into mandatory “volunteers,” which calls into question whether he understands what this word means. READ MORE »
Pictured is this bossy new page in the merch section of Rick Santorum’s official website. Yes, our dreams have come true. Rick Santorum has read all the Google alerts about his sweater vests, he sees that he has received the coveted honor of being called a Trend by the New York Times (“For Santorum, Sweater Vests Seen As Comfortable”), and one young, happening social-media savvy piece of fresh meat on his campaign team has responded by allowing you to own one of “his” armpit-aerating sartorial staples, a necessity for anyone with anger management issues, because anger causes sweat, for just $100. READ MORE »
In a quite unfunny Republican lavatory phenomenon, relatively speaking, the New Jersey Assembly’s Republican leader Alex DeCroce, 75, was found dead Monday night in a bathroom in the New Jersey Statehouse. Eerily, Monday was the last day of the State Legislature’s current session. The cause of death is unclear. DeCroce, who was an early supporter of Governor Chris Christie, was found at about 11PM, and was treated by Assemblyman Herb Conaway, who’s also a doctor, but to no avail. READ MORE »
As of two hours ago, the fickle folk of the Granite State have begun voting in the first-in-the-nation primary. Last night, the registered voting population of the petite hamlet of Dixville Notch launched the primary season with their weird tradition of voting 11 hours before everybody else. Nine people showed up. Due to History and the village’s uncanny ability to predict the outcome of the Republican nomination race (perfect record since 1960), this was viewed by tweeting humans as important and prescient. Amusingly, President Obama won more votes than everyone else, with three votes. Huntsman and Romney tied at two apiece, which is the only proof we have right now that Huntsmania, the eager flocking of Romney haters (and Obama defectors?) to relative safety under the bomber-jacket-clad wing of former Utah Governor Jon Huntsman, exists. It’s a little late, is it not? OR IS IT? READ MORE »
Here is a thing that Newt Gingrich said in New Hampshire, Newt Gingrich, he said this, are you ready for it? GET READY: “You have to ask the question, is capitalism really about the ability of a handful of rich people to manipulate the lives of thousands of people and then walk off with the money?” AHAHAHAHA. This is like taking three giant dumps on the grave of Ronald Reagan and then planting a Soviet flag on top, basically. It is also common sense, which means that it is not an idea native to Newt Gingrich. Maybe he stole it from the sign of one of the Occupy Wall Street protesters hanging outside his New Hampshire headquarters Monday? READ MORE »
