Paperback 301: Behind Every Door / Julius Horowitz (Belmont L522)

Paperback 301: Belmont L522 (1st ptg, 1961)

Title: Behind Every Door
Author: Julius Horowitz
Cover artist: Uncredited

Yours for: $12


Best things about this cover:

• Wow, the cover painting looks cool. If they'd bother to make it bigger than a !@#$ing postage stamp, maybe I could appreciate it a little more.
• "Hey, baby, we're two tall, thin, cool people standing in the middle of the street ... the world is our oyster! What say we ..." / "I said 'twenty dollars,' mister"
• Remade 11 years later as "Behind the Green Door"
• Really, you're going to asterisk "The Way Between the Sexes" as something the N.Y. Times said. That's not a blurb, that's an arbitrary phrase capture.

Best things about this back cover:

• What's that title again? I forgot.
• "Guys who want to buy your pants ..." — I did not see that coming.
• "The real test is when you come up against your problem." — Words to live by, if your goal is to live as vaguely as possible.

Page 123~

He saw that these kids, the oldest of them only ten, had a vocabulary of definite opinions and many of their inculcated ideas were quite opposed to his own.

Two things — one, this is a very odd, very creepy thought for a grown man to have about children; and two, I can tell from this one sentence that this guy is a terrible, terrible writer. The phrases "vocabulary of definite opinions" and "their inculcated ideas" make me wince. Editor!

~RP

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Paperback 123: Johnny Havoc and the Doll Who Had "It" / John Jakes (Belmont 90-289)

Paperback 123: Belmont 90-289 (PBO, 1963)

Title: Johnny Havoc and the Girl Who Had "It"
Author: John Jakes
Cover artist: photo cover

Yours for: $9


Best things about this cover:

• If by "It" you mean "pointy left boob" or "bosomy sweater-filling capability," then yes, she has "It."
• I would love it if the "It" in this title was actually just the stupid cigarette
• I Love this dame: "Yeah, I got "It" - what's it to ya?!"
• Great cover copy - parodying this cigarette advertising campaign:

and



Best things about this back cover:

• There are some days when it's Really hard to improve on the paperback's own inherent funniness. Today is one of those days.
• I love the idea of having your P.I.'s shtick be ... that he's short.
• INA Young has a name built for crosswords (among other things, I'm sure)
• "Wednesday Wilde" is a great play on Sex Kitten Tuesday Weld (who was in my favorite movie that no one saw - "Serial" - as well as on the cover of one of my favorite albums of the 90s - Matthew Sweet's "Girlfriend")

Page 123~

"Hey, Moe, you all right?" I touched his shoulder.
One fat tear trickled down his cheek. "I shoulda been a pawnbroker, Claudio."
My God, don't start bawling."
"It's Finishville. For all of us."

~RP

Paperback 122: The Professor and the Co-Ed / Babette Hall (Belmont 90-280)

Paperback 122: Belmont 90-280 (1st ptg, 1963)

Title: The Professor and the Co-Ed
Author: Babette Hall
Cover artist: uncredited

Yours for: $9


Best things about this cover:

• This guy must have gotten his Ph.D. in Gigantic Chalkboardery
• "How do you like my perky breasts, professor?" / "I'd like them a whole lot better if you'd actually point them in this direction, you idiot."
• "My hands can do the splits" / "Uh, yes, that's very nice. Get out."
• Seriously, that guy looks way more annoyed than he does excited.
• Sometimes I write autobiographical stuff under the name "Babette Hall" ...

Best things about this back cover:

• I love blurbs that are descriptive rather than qualitative. So thank you ... Marc Connelly, whoever you are.
• I don't think I can do anything to add to the hilarity of Professor Shaw's revealing, sadistic diatribe.
• "Top critics have hailed this novel, and millions of readers agree..." - agree that WHAT!? Hailed it as WHAT? Way to avoid the whole "quality" issue.
• That Ladies' Home Journal blurb ... I've never seen anything like it. It's not related to anything. It's a complete non sequitur designed only to take up space, as far as I can tell.

Page 123~

I'm trying to make sense of Any of the sentences on this page, and I'm failing. I can barely make grammatical sense of them. Let's try this:

On the other hand I suspected there was something false in my philosophy because Phineas Todd wanted more than any of us, and accused the other Goat-singers of being satisfied with crumbs. It was all very confusing. I hoped to find the answer in Hollywood

and this:

But Seattle in my affections wasn't any larger than the pink bauble, not as large actually, being more remote.

~RP

Paperback 104: Gun-Law for Lavercombe / Charles Alden Seltzer (Belmont 91-258)

Paperback 104: Belmont 91-258 (1st ptg, 1962)

Title: Gun-Law for Lavercombe
Author: Charles Alden Seltzer
Cover artist: uncredited

Yours for: $8


Best things about this cover:

• "Oooh, I'm gonna moon you good, pardner!"
• Charles Alden Seltzer is a pretty uppity name for a guy who wants to write tough-guy westerns
• "I like girls that wear Lavercombe and Fitch..."

Best things about this back cover:

• Death by bull-whip has got to be a particularly bad way to die
• I like how "The Judge" is in quotation marks - I guess he got that name 'cause he likes to "destroy men with his bare fists," just like the judges in Biblical times
• "The Lavercombe Showdown" was an important precursor to "The Lindy Hop" and "The Hustle"

PAGE 123~

She saw Jerry hopping around. Apparently he was searching for something. A rock. Just as her horse reached the level at the bottom of the slope Jerry crouched, the rock in hand.

Then several things seemed to happen at once.

~RP

Paperback 101: The Chic Chick Spy / Bob Tralins (Belmont B50-718)

Paperback 101: Belmont B50-718 (PBO - I think - 1966)

Title: The Chic Chick Spy ("The Miss from S.I.S.")
Author: Bob Tralins
Cover artist: uncredited

Yours for: SOLD (5/27/08)


Best things about this cover:

• Another great cover copy claim - first, promises of vomit; now, declarations of absurdity.
• Love the ironic, self-referential, falsely modest cover copy ("Absolutely nothing in it is true ... you couldn't spend a better 50 cents")
• Is this woman a. directing traffic, b. casting spells, or c. fending off a defensive tackle?
  
• I love her murderous dance style: "L ... is for the way I Lacerate ... your faaaace..."
• Either a sniper is preparing to shoot her or she is able to jam enemy sonar with a tiny machine located in the underwire of the bra she isn't wearing.
• I submit that if this woman let her arms hang at her sides, she would be able to scratch her shins without bending at the waist one bit.
  

Best things about this back cover:

• "Booby sexed" - furthermore, "booby sexed." How am I supposed to pay attention to anything else on this cover?
• "... an organization that was making men feel queer and women feel like men" - OK, I'm going to have to read this if only to figure out how "booby sexed" fits into this whole queer / transgender theme. Do men grow boobies? Do women start ogling boobies? Are we sure that Ed Wood didn't write this?
• This is perhaps the only back cover in my collection that ends with an honest-to-god orgasm.
• This book is grimy. Solid, but covered with a thin layer of grime. I can't imagine what could have soiled it in precisely this fashion. It's as if it's been artfully basted with mud.
  

Page 123~ (this better be good...)

When she mounted the steps, she seemed to be weighed down by an enormous weight.

I'm sorry, I'm sure there are more lurid sentences on this page, but this is the first thing my eyes landed on, and it made me laugh out loud. "Mounted" was funny enough, but then ... well, here's how I imagine the author conceived the sentence:

• Author: "'When she mounted the steps, she seemed to be weighed down by ... by ...' Hmm, I know she needs to be weighed down by something, but what? ... [phones editor] ... yeah, hi Joe, I just wrote the part where she mounts the steps..."
• Joe: "Uh huh"
• Author: "... and I'm trying to describe how she's 'weighed down,' you know? But I can't think of what she could be weighed down by. I know it should be something big ... or giant. Maybe huge."
• Joe: "How about an enormous weight?"
• Author: "'... weighed down by an enormous weight.' Hey, that's good. I like how 'weight' sorta conveys the whole idea of being 'weighed down.' Thanks, Joe."

~RP