close
The Wayback Machine - https://web.archive.org/web/20111224233734/http://eviljwinter.wordpress.com:80/
jump to navigation

I Triple Dog Dare Ya! December 24, 2011

Posted by eviljwinter in Film.
Tags: , ,
add a comment

Some Holiday Cheer With Weird Al December 23, 2011

Posted by eviljwinter in Music, WTF.
Tags: ,
add a comment

You’ll Shoot Your Eye Out! December 22, 2011

Posted by eviljwinter in Film.
Tags: , ,
add a comment

What Not To Get Jim December 21, 2011

Posted by eviljwinter in WTF.
add a comment

It’s that time of year again, and I know there’s one question on the minds of many of you last minute shoppers:

What to get Jim Winter for Christmas.

I’m easy. But to make things even easier for you, time now for my annual list of What Not To Get Jim.

  1. Swiss Colony or Hickory Farms samplers. My father-in-law gets us on this one every year, so we’re good. Thanks. Now, before I get to number two, I’m going to help myself to some summer sausage and a stick of cheddar.
  2. Billy the Big Mouth Bass: Seriously. Just don’t. ‘Kay?
  3. I do not have Bieber Fever.
  4. Pretty much anything Star Trek. When I was into it, if I wanted it, I already had it. I’m not into it anymore. Thanks, Brannon Braga.
  5. Exercise videos. Yes, I intend to workout more in the new year. The videos will just gather dust, though.
  6. Dane Cook tickets, CD’s, DVD’s. I do not find Dane Cook nearly as funny as I used to, and I never found him as funny as Dane Cook did.
  7. Novelty slippers – My feet have never been that cold.

That’s it. Pretty easy, eh? OK, get shopping. And just leave your finds on my doorstep. I’ll grab it Christmas morning, ‘kay?

What’s that? What did I get you? Please. I was laid off earlier this year. I may be working now, but I’m still paying off last Christmas.

Annual Tradition: A Very Tom Waits Christmas December 19, 2011

Posted by eviljwinter in WTF.
Tags: ,
add a comment

[Originally posted on Northcoast Exile, December 24, 2006]

I pulled on Santa’s sleigh
Christmas Eve was dark, and the snow fell like cocaine off some politician’s coffee table
Rudolph looked to the sky. He had a shiny nose, but it was from too much vodka
He said, “Boys, it’s gonna be a rough one this year.”

I pulled on Santa’s sleigh
The elves scrambled to pack up the last of the lumps of coal for deserving suburban brats
And a bottle of Jamie for some forgotten soul whose wife just left him
Santa’s like that. He’s been there.
Oh, he still loves Mrs. Claus, a spent piece of used sleigh trash who
Makes good vodka martnis, knows when to keep her mouth shut
But it’s the lonlieness, the lonliness only Santa knows

I pulled on Santa’s sleigh
And the workshop reeks of too much peppermint
The candy canes all have the names of prostitutes
And Santa stands there, breathing in the lonliness
The lonliness that creeps out of the main house
And out through the stables
Sometimes it follows the big guy down the chimneys
Wraps itself around your tannenbaum and sleeps in your hat

I pulled on Santa’s sleigh
We all line up for the annual ride
I’m behind Vixen, who’s showin’ her age these days
She has a certain tiredness that comes with being the only girl on the team
Ah, there’s nothing wrong with her a hundred dollars wouldn’t fix
She’s got a tear drop tattooed under her eye now, one for every year Dancer’s away

I pulled on Santa’s sleigh and
I asked myself, “That elf. What’s he building in there?”
He has no elf friends, no elf children
What’s he building in there?
He doesn’t make toys like the other elves
I heard he used to work for Halliburton,
And he’s got an ex-wife in someplace called Santa Claus, Pennsylvania
But what’s he building in there?
We got a right to know.

I pulled on Santa’s sleigh
And we’re off Off into the night
Watching the world burn below
All chimney red and Halloween orange

I’ve seen it all
I’ve seen it all
Every Christmas Eve, I’ve seen it all

There’s nothing sadder than landing on a roof in a town with no cheer.

The Caretaker Of Lorne Field By Dave Zeltserman December 16, 2011

Posted by eviljwinter in Books, Ebooks.
Tags: ,
1 comment so far

I’ve known Dave Zeltserman for about ten years now, having struck up conversations with him back in the days when he was supplying the ezines with tales of Johnny Lane, the self-absorbed PI who turned out to be much worse than even he imagined in In His Shadow (later Fast Lane). Once Dave hit the mainstream in publishing, he hammered hard with a troika of three noir novels – Small Crimes, Pariah, and Killer.  He’s done straight horror (Bad Thoughts), caper (Outsourced, about a bunch of IT workers getting even for losing their jobs to India), and a bizarre take on the traditional detective (Julius Katz). He’s even shifted gears within the same series. Bad Thoughts was followed by Bad Karma, a straightforward PI tale with New Age overtones.

It was The Caretaker of Lorne Field, though, that intrigued me most. Zeltserman explains in the book and frequently in interviews about how the idea came about, namely some weeds in his yard that just. Would. Not. Die. (I have a few of those infesting the mulch behind my garage.) From this came the idea of the aukowies, weeds that, left to their own devices, will free themselves from the ground and ravage the world within days.

This is the premise behind the weeding of Lorne Field, where the bizarre aukowies grow. For 300 years, the firstborn sons of the Durkin family have weeded the field, saving the world through back-breaking, thankless labor.  However, in the mundane 1990′s and 2000′s, the New England town subsidizing this work has grown increasingly skeptical. Jack’s wife has never believed the story, and his oldest son refuses to take on the job. That’s when things start to go horribly awry. Jack brings his son home, claiming an aukowie attacked him and ate his thumb, a story even the sheriff of Stephen King’s Castle Rock, Maine, would find hard to believe. (And those sheriffs have seen some weird shit.)

Jack has a contract with the town, written long before the United States was united or even considered states. The first born son of the Durkin family is required to take on the role of caretaker. In return, he is given a cabin at no charge and an $8000 a year annual salary. It doesn’t hurt that, for most of that 300 years, the townsfolk were more than happy to give the caretaker whatever he needed.

In our modern, Internet, prove-it-to-me era, people are skeptical and cynical. They don’t believe in these possibly alien plants that will rampage through the world and kill everyone in sight. Trouble is Jack does a horrible job proving it. Even when he does, bad things happen that invalidate the evidence.

Zeltserman often gets into the mind of madmen (like the aforementioned Johnny Lane). Durkin is no exception. We get just enough evidence to convince us that Jack’s story is true, but then we also get enough to say, “Well, Jack believes it, anyway.” Even in the end, when the ultimate evidence presents itself, you’re still not sure whether it’s real or not. The end is from Jack’s point of view, and Jack is so traumatized by his downfall that you can’t really tell if he’s hallucinating.

Well, what did you want from Dave Zeltserman? A neat, clean ending that tells you who won and who lost? Go read Twilight. If you want to take a nice quiet walk into the forests of madness, Dave Zeltserman can show you the way.

Thursday Book Reviews – Adams Vs. Jefferson, December 15, 2011

Posted by eviljwinter in Books.
Tags: , , , , , , ,
add a comment

BERJAYABERJAYA

Adams Vs. Jefferson

John E. Ferling

Think the 2012 election is contentious? Try 1800. Much of what we take for granted about our republic today had not even been thought of at the start of John Adams’ term as president. In the early days of the Constitution, America had moved from throwing off the yoke of a foreign king to a new battle: Whether America would be run by an elite few consisting of New England merchants and southern planters or would it truly be a government for, of, and by the people.

If I had to title this book, however, I would not have called it Adams Vs. Jefferson. The battle between the first two political parties, the original Republican (or Democratic-Republican) Party and the Federalists, was really a battle between Jefferson, the idealist, and Alexander Hamilton, the scheming pragmatist. Both men’s flaws were on display in the lead-up to the election of 1800, and Adams seems more caught in the cross-fire. So while you’re tea partying your way to the polls or occupying whatever capitalist temple annoys you, keep in mind that pretty much everything you assume about the Founders, the republic, and democracy itself is most likely wrong.

BERJAYABERJAYA

Suicide Squeeze

Victor Gischler

The master of smart-ass noir returns in this tale of one of his early characters, Conner Samson. Samson began life having everything handed to him. He was a star athlete who was assumed to be destined for a career in the major leagues. That’s the back story. The present is Conner trying to pay off his bookie and wondering if it’s time to look for work again. He finds a job repossessing a boat called the Electric Jenny. When Conner goes after the boat, he finds himself entangled with a Japanese billionaire obsessed with getting his hands on a rare Joe DiMaggio baseball card signed by DiMaggio, Marylin Monroe, and Billy Wilder. It’s a classic collision of the evil and the stupid, and all of them trip over themselves in yet another Gischler comedy of errors.

Grover Cleveland December 14, 2011

Posted by eviljwinter in History.
Tags: ,
add a comment

Our 22nd/24th president was probably the most boring of the so-called Lost Presidents. He didn’t have the Civil War background of Rutherford Hayes or James Garfield, nor did he have the personality of Chester Arthur. He also lacked the pedigree of Benjamin Harrison, whose father made his mark in Congress and grandfather, who might have died a month into his term, had his own colorful military and frontier career, as well as a Founding Father for a father. When people think of this unusually honest man, he’s often the answer to a Trivial Pursuit question: Which US president is the only one to serve two non-consecutive terms. Cleveland’s most famous relative was Connecticut land speculator Moses Cleaveland, for whom my old hometown was named. Ironically, Cleveland himself almost ended up there before settling in Buffalo.

So who was this man? And how was he elected twice to the White House?

Stephen Grover Cleveland was the son of a New England minister and was born in New Jersey during the Jackson Era. After his family bounced around the East Coast, they settled in the Syracuse, New York area, taking advantage of the economic boom brought by the Erie Canal. As a young man, Cleveland dropped his first name and headed west to follow his father into the ministry. He instead stayed in Buffalo, where a cousin got him a job with Millard Fillmore’s law firm, to date, still the only law firm to have employed two presidents. Cleveland eventually joined the bar and found himself drawn into local politics, running for sheriff of Erie County. He became a Democrat at a good time. The Civil War had left the party reeling, perceived as the party of slave holders and of Southern sympathizers. Shut out of the White House and in a minority in Congress since Lincoln, the Democrats were ripe to become a new opposition party as the Republicans became entrenched and complacent.

His term as sheriff led him to become mayor of Buffalo, then governor of New York. During his governorship, a number of young Democrats and Republicans began sounding the drum beat of political reform. Among them was the young State Assembly minority leader, Theodore Roosevelt.

After Ulysses Grant departed office, the calls for reform grew louder. Rutherford Hayes offended both factions of his party by weakening the time-honored spoils system, only to be followed by an Ohio Congressman, James Garfield, running on a more aggressive platform of reform. More dramatically, Chester Arthur turned his back on Roscoe Conkling, a Republican king-maker and political boss, by gutting the patronage system Arthur himself had benefited from. When the Republicans ran another party hack in 1884, a public fatigued by party shenanigans were ready for a new party and a new voice. Grover Cleveland fit the bill.

That’s not to say Cleveland did not have his own baggage. He was accused, during the campaign, of fathering a child out of wedlock. The most likely explanation is that Cleveland, a bachelor when he first ran for president, took responsibility for the child to shield a married law partner.

Once in the White House, Cleveland used something rather liberally that even Andrew Jackson showed some restraint with: His veto pen. Cleveland further gutted the patronage system and shot down any bill that might add to the country’s alarming deficit. (One wonders what he would think of the last decade of American politics.) But Cleveland also butted heads with America’s burgeoning mass media. During his first term, he married 21-year-old Frances Folsom, a family friend. The couple tried to have a private wedding only to find hordes of reporters waiting for them at their honeymoon cabin. While the new Mrs. Cleveland proved a capable First Lady, the couple’s response to the crush of nosy reporters was to buy a secluded cottage near Washington. Reporters hated it.

And it might have cost Cleveland. In a situation similar to 2000, Cleveland lost the White House to Benjamin Harrison, an even more colorless senator from Indiana. Harrison won the electoral college, but Cleveland won the popular vote. Mrs. Cleveland told the staff she and her husband would be back in four years.

She was right. Not only could Cleveland not stay out of politics, but the Democrats could not find a viable candidate for the 1892 election. Harrison’s administration was so lack luster that Cleveland handily defeated him. And once again, Cleveland flipped the press the bird. A story was planted in the press about Cleveland needing major dental surgery while visiting New York City. In reality, Cleveland was taken out on a boat where his upper jaw was replaced. A cancerous growth had been found in the roof of his mouth. In the wake of the fiasco surrounding Garfield’s medical care after he was shot, Cleveland felt he needed to keep the tumor from the public so as not to worry them. Plus it satisfied his need for privacy.

Cleveland ended his days in Vermont after a tenure at Princeton University, where he served on the Board of Regents. During that time, a professor who became a rising star in Progessive Era politics served as president. His name was Woodrow Wilson.

Crosstown Shootout: Are We Overreacting? December 13, 2011

Posted by eviljwinter in Sports.
Tags:
add a comment

Every year in Cincinnati, the University of Cincinnati and Xavier University meet in a game called The Crosstown Shootout. Sometimes, things get our of hand. Not long after I arrived in town, X coach Pete Gillen refused to shake UC coach Bob Huggins’ hand. Coaches at both schools have told tales of getting flipped the bird by rival fans as they drove around town.

This past weekend, the two teams got into a brawl. It was all from trash talk in the final minutes as Xavier trounced UC 76-53. Eight players on both teams were suspended for up to six games, more than the single game suspensions handed down from the NCAA.

In our era of manufactured outrage, fake crises, and a need to do something, dammit, when dammit might actually be counterproductive, there’s a criminal investigation along with calls to cancel the annual game.

Cincinnati, chill out.

First off, both teams are voluntarily taking a major hit by benching their best players only a couple of weeks before conference play begins in earnest. Yes, colleges, never the most rational institutions about handling student athletes, are actually teaching these kids that there are consequences to their actions. And they hurt when you do something stupid. But a criminal investigation?

One gent phoned into WXIX and suggested that, had this been on the streets, all those participating would be arrested, so why not the players? Fair point. Only, it doesn’t always happen that way.  Actually, as often as not, police will break up a fight and send the brawlers on the merry way, most likely to arrest them later for DUI. A brawl at a game is in a controlled environment. Occasionally, fans are involved (at which point, so are police), but when it’s between players, the various sports leagues handle it.

Or don’t.

I have to applaud the University of Cincinnati and Xavier University for hitting their players where it hurts. Basketball is why these kids are at these schools, and the suspensions could jeopardize their scholarships. Instead of whining about how athletes are coddled, let’s ask why pro athletes are so pampered. Were I a team owner, I would tell the likes of Chad Ochocinco, “I pay you how much? For that money, you forfeit your ego. Now get your lazy ass into voluntary camp before your next team is the night shift at Taco Bell!” If a pro athlete breaks the rules, he should not have the option of negotiation nor should he be allowed to work when most people would go to jail. Members of Congress aren’t this pampered, and look what they get away with.

As for those who want to cancel the Crosstown Shootout because it’s too violent, may I ask if you’d like a nipple with your coffee? Really? One brawl ruins the whole thing? Seriously? To call that stupid is an insult to morons’ intelligence. Bad things happen. What are the chances of another brawl next year?

Slim, meet none. None, slim.

But why cancel it? Chances are the same people crying that it should not be allowed to happen again go to Cincinnati Cyclones games waiting for a fight to break out. Sorry, pro sports is not a legitimate excuse.

Stop whining. A very bad thing happened, but last time I checked, no one died. No buildings fell. America is not going to war over it.

And as for that annoying little chestnut “What do I tell my kids?”, try telling them the truth and quit expecting everyone else to walk on eggshells for you. Here’s a way to start.

“Junior, some people are assholes. And some of them get sports scholarships. Life’s not always fair. But then 8 players got benched, so sometimes it is. Sorry life isn’t all that simple.”

My Town Monday Cincinnati: Christmas In The Queen City December 12, 2011

Posted by eviljwinter in Cincinnati, My Town Mondays.
Tags: , ,
add a comment

It’s that time of the year. The snow is falling. The Christmas trees are going up. The malls are jammed with lemmings pursuing the annual capitalistic orgy. (*Ahem*)

So what’s a sophisticated holiday reveler supposed to do at Christmas in Cincinnati?

Glad you asked that.

There’s always…

BERJAYA

The Duke Energy Train Display

Every year at Duke Energy headquarters, the company puts an elaborate model railroad on display in the lobby. It’s an annual tradition that began in 1946. Throughout the year, Duke employees and retirees repair parts and setup new model trains that go on display after Halloween. The display runs daily through New Year’s Eve and is free to the public.

BERJAYA

The Krohn Conservatory

This used to be free, but budget cuts have brought small admissions fees. The Christmas show now features model trains similar to Duke Energy. Many of the plant displays are designed around the holidays, and some years feature a live nativity scene. Plus, the Conservatory is near Mt. Adams, a great place to go for lunch or to bar hop in the evening.

This photo is from 2008 when my then-new bride and I went on an afternoon date.

BERJAYA

Festival of Lights

Why would you go to the zoo in the winter? Because the whole place is decked out for the holidays. From November 1 to January 1, the Cincinnati Zoo is lit up and turned into a holiday party. Normal admission rates apply, but this event, now sponsored by PNC Bank, is also an annual tradition.

Playhouse in the Park: A Christmas Carol

Every year, Playhouse in the Park in Eden Park (hence the name) puts on A Christmas Carol. It’s the local theater’s best-known production. The above ad is almost as popular as the play itself.

BERJAYA

Fountain Square

Thanksgiving brings the skating rink to Fountain Square downtown. It lasts until February, assuming February is more like Ohio and less like Seattle, as often happens.

But if you’re looking to ring in the new year with 10,000 of your closest friends, and Times Square isn’t doable, you can’t go wrong with making your way downtown to Fountain Square. You can party at Cadillac Ranch, Mynt Martini, Rock Bottom Brewery, or watch the new year come in Macy’s largest big screen TV in the Tri-State.

More at the My Town Monday blog.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 253 other followers