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The Year in Review, the Year Ahead – Happy New Year!

January 1, 2012 by Dr. Crazy

Hello, darlings!  I am drinking prosecco and I am happily at home on this New Year’s Eve, and I am thinking back over the past year and looking ahead to the next one.  So to begin, let me re-instate a New Year’s meme that I haven’t done in a few of years:

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?

  • Learned to knit!
  • Gone on a vacation that had nothing to do with work or family – and, as a corollary, visited Napa Valley for the first time!
  • Chaired an important college-wide committee for the first time.
  • Discovered that chairing an important college-wide committee is not what I should be doing at this point in my career.
  • Got scolded by both my chair and my dean for my shitty attitude.  Which I think is ultimately a good thing, but maybe not in the way that either of them wish it would be.
  • Played blackjack at a casino!
  • Saw Alice Cooper in concert!

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

  • Well, what I wrote last year for resolutions was this: “And in 2011, I want to carry that positivity forward.  And you know, I think that’s my only real resolution.  I’m pretty happy with myself.  I don’t want to make any gigantic changes.  I don’t feel like I have to do anything other than keep doing what I’m doing and keep feeling how I’m feeling.  I suppose I feel like I’m headed in the right direction and so I should just keep doing that.”  So, yes, I did make a resolution, however vague, and I did keep it.  Will I make more for next year?  Yes.  But I’ll talk about those at the end of this post.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

  • People both close and less close gave birth this year.  And people got married, too.  I think that 37 might be the new 27, at least for people who spend their 20s in grad school, when it comes to people getting hitched and having babies.  For the first time I feel like I might maybe should be doing both of those things in a concrete way – as opposed to in some sort of abstract off in the future somewhere way – except for of course that I’m not in a personal life situation where I really see either of those things happening immediately.  Huh.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

  • Not really.  My godfather’s wife died.  FL’s mother’s husband died.  An emeritus professor in my department died.  But nobody died who was close to me, personally.  And I’m grateful for that, even if it seems bitchy to be grateful for that.  I’ve had a lot more close personal death in recent years than is good.  I’m glad not to have lost anybody near and dear.

5. What countries did you visit?

  • No international travel this year (or last, or the year before).  And that’s totally fine.  But I feel like I might get back to the international travel if not this year then next.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?

  • Honestly?  I have most everything I want.  I’m not saying that to be a jerk, but rather because I’m grateful and because I really do have most things, more things than most people.  But you know what I want this year that I don’t have?  True love.  Which I know is gross and disgusting and whatever, and it’s not that I don’t have “love,” as I’ve got a lot of love – from friends, from family…. But I want LOVE love.  I want to be IN love.  And I’m not.

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

  • Honestly?  Not a one.  I’m not a big one for dates, generally, and nothing horrible happened, and nothing spectacular happened.  So I’ve got no special 2011 dates.  And that’s fine.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

  • I feel like I’ve actually accomplished some great things (at least for me).  Getting to study with one of my scholarly heroes this summer was great, continuing to make progress on my book (and contacting publishers about it and not having them laugh at me) was great, managing not to totally fuck up my fall classes in spite of all the things was great.  I don’t have much on paper in terms of “final products” to show for this year, but I think that I’ve accomplished a lot in terms of heading forward.  I feel good about what I’ve done, even if I haven’t “done” much, if that makes sense.  Aside from work, I have lost 20-25 more pounds (so since Aug 2010, I’ve lost somewhere around 40-50 lbs.).  In spite of not paying a whole lot of attention to the weight loss thing (for it turns out that lifestyle adjustment really is just that).

9. What was your biggest failure?

  • Hmmm.  My biggest failure.  Well, I think my biggest failure was in being honest about my failings and frustrations with administrators (my chair, my dean) and getting scolded for my bad attitude.  I’m still upset about this, even though I’ve figured out how I’m going to address things.  I don’t like feeling like I did something wrong by being honest.  But maybe being honest isn’t always the wisest policy, even if it is the best one.  Maybe that was my lesson this year.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

  • I had strep throat, and it was horrible.  Horrifying.  And horrible.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

  • My Lebanese step-cousins.  Who all interrogated me about why I didn’t change my last name to my stepdad’s name (their name) because I am “really” their cousin.  And my half-brother C., who is the most awesome 15-year-old ever and who thinks that I can give him insight into the minds of teenaged girls, even with my checkered romantic past.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

  • I was about to say nobody’s.  But then?  I remembered how my male chair told me that my workload issues were “my problem” and that my problem was, specifically, that I, a female junior colleague, “need to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.”  Now, I do not believe that he would ever recognize that I would be offended by that statement, and I like him as a person.  But you know what?  Yes, I am appalled and depressed by the fact that a person whom I otherwise like and respect would tell me, an adult, professional woman who has published a fucking book, that I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.  I’m a grown ass woman.  I am a colleague.  I am not some fucking little girl.  FUCK that.

14. Where did most of your money go?

  • Honestly?  I think that this year most of my money went to clothes.  On sale clothes, but stylish clothes – delightful dresses and jeans and things that fit me and look great.  Oh, and I also bough some yarn.  A good deal of yarn.  And knitting needles and accoutrements.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

  • My current book project.  More than anything else.  Really.  And I hope it stays that way until it’s published.  (I also have been kind of excited about this guy who took me to an Alice Cooper concert, but I’m not sure if he has the same staying power.)

16. What song will always remind you of 2011?

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?

  • happier, thinner, richer.  It was a pretty good year.

 

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

  • relaxed.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

  • spent time trying to fix things that were not in my power to fix.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

21. Did you fall in love in 2011?

  • I don’t think so.

22. How many one-night stands?

  • Not a one.

23. What was your favorite TV program?

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

  • I don’t think so.  I tend not to be terribly filled with hate.  Or if I hate, I hate on sight – not after a while.  So if I hate anybody, I hated them last year as much as I would hate them this year.

25. What was the best book you read?

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?

27. What did you want and get?

  • I don’t know, everything?

28. What did you want and not get?

  • Honestly, I can’t think of a thing that mattered that I didn’t get.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?

  • I only finally watched this yesterday, after having been encouraged by a boy from high school over facebook (whom apparently had a crush on me in high school, and then we kissed when we were like 22 in a bar, and then we had a weird non-date after my grandmother’s funeral a few years ago, and then we didn’t talk after that because wow was that whole thing uncomfortable, but then I had to contact him a month or so ago because I needed to know whether it was really true that his older brother who used to hook up with my friend J. was really having a baby with his 21-year-old girlfriend who never went to college…. Anyway, he told me I would love this movie, which I thought I’d like to see anyway, but apparently the high school boy has a savant-like insight into my taste in movies in spite of all of the history….)  Midnight in Paris.    It is delightful and enchanting and charming.  And I adored it.  And let’s note, I also think that Young Adult is rad.  I also “liked” Blue Valentine as much as you can like a movie that makes you feel like you should kill yourself.  Oh, and I saw that on Valentine’s Day, ‘Cause I’m ironic like that.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

  • I drove home from my hometown, after having celebrated my birthday there, and I didn’t go to my department retreat.  For I decided a long time ago that I would never attend a retreat (i.e., a day-long meeting of pain) on the day of my birth.  I turned 37, but I swear I have the attitude of a 17-year-old (in ways both good and bad).

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

  • You know?  No comment.  Because if I say the thing that I’m thinking it’s probably saying more than I want to say.  And it also might jinx some things.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?

  • Dresses!  With bold prints and/or colors!  Dresses!

33. What kept you sane?

  • Kitties
  • Knitting
  • Colleague-Friend and California Colleague (in equal portions)
  • Alcohol

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

35. What political issue stirred you the most?

http://cdn.visiontoamerica.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/lesbian-sailors.jpg?0673a6

36. Who did you miss?

  • FB

37. Who was the best new person you met?

  • A person who took me to a casino on a date and taught me how to (forced me to) play blackjack and who took me to an Alice Cooper concert.  For serious.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 20011.

  • I think that the biggest lesson that I learned is that when people tell you that you need to take responsibility for yourself, when people say that they won’t help you or that it’s not their job to make things better for you, that you should listen to them.  That it’s not a terrible thing.  That’s those people giving you power.  That’s them relinquishing power that you were giving them over you.  And if they don’t like the consequence of that?  Well, they asked for it.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

Rate yourself and rake yourself,
Take all the courage you have left
Wasted on fixing all the problems
That you made in your own head

But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn’t I, my dear?

- Mumford and Sons, “Little Lion Man”

 

So, what are my resolutions for the coming year?  1) Workload Watchers (or Work Watchers, whatever you prefer); 2) Recommitting to Weight Watchers (for my 20th high school reunion is coming up this summer); 3) Knitting and more knitting, as I love it; 4) Year 2 of dating, as was year’s Year of Dating was good, but apparently I’m still single. 2011 was just fine, and I’m not unhappy about it in any way, but I’m excited to see what might come next.  I mean, really.  What might come next might be grand.

Posted in Uncategorized | 5 Comments »

In Which I Would Make a REALLY Awesome Grandmother (or Ancient Aunt, or Weird Old Neighbor Lady)

December 28, 2011 by Dr. Crazy

So, my original plan was that today was to be a travel day.  Since the weather changed my plans, I decided that this should still be a free day for me – the mad work pre-MLA could surely wait until Wednesday.  And so my “free day” involved nothing that was a chore.  I only did activities that I wanted to do.  Those included:

- Going to the grocery store.  Turns out when you don’t host a holiday, you return home to no food.  Well, not no food, but no food that combines into a complete meal.

- Making a boss pot roast accompanied by roasted potatoes, parsnips, and rutabaga.  What?  You would like to know how you, too, can make this delicious dish?  I shall tell you!

Ingredients:

  • Chuck roast (the one I used was about 1.25 pounds, but you could do bigger if you don’t live alone)
  • 1 medium-large onion, chopped
  • 4 stalks of celery, chopped
  • 12 oz. sliced white mushrooms
  • 2 Hungarian hot peppers, seeds mostly removed, minced
  • 3 biggish cloves of garlic, minced
  • dried rosemary (I feel like somewhere between a teaspoon and a tablespoon, but I didn’t really measure)
  • salt and pepper (no measurements – I season throughout the process)
  • 2 bottles of Sam Adams Winter Lager
  • like 2 tablespoons of olive oil (no, I don’t measure)

Instructions:

  1. Preheat Oven to 300.
  2. In a pot that can go from stovetop to oven, heat the olive oil on the stovetop at high.  While it’s heating, season the roast with salt and pepper.
  3. When the oil is hot, brown the roast.  While the roast is browning, and in between turning it, chop your onion and celery.  I went with a fairly rustic chop, as this is a pot roast, after all, and that’s rustic food.
  4. When the roast is browned, transfer it from the pot to a large plate, and then throw in your onions and celery.  Maybe reduce the heat to medium high, depending on how quickly you can mince other ingredients while those are cooking.  Though there is some salt and pepper left over from the awesomeness of the roast, I did season the onion and celery with salt and pepper, too.  While the veggies are cooking (you want to cook them until soft), mince your peppers.
  5. When the onion and celery are “glossy”, add in your minced peppers.  While those are cooking a little, mince your garlic.
  6. Next, add in your rosemary and garlic.  After about two minutes, add in the mushrooms, and cook until they are browned.
  7. With the heat on high, add in the two bottles of beer.  Bring to a boil, and boil for about five minutes.
  8. Turn off the heat, and then stick the roast back in the pot.  Make sure it’s covered with the liquid/veggies, and then cover the pot (my pot is stupid, so I covered tightly with foil.  If anybody wants to buy me a a Le Creuset Dutch Oven, a big one, I will be your girlfriend, and maybe even marry you).
  9. Stick the pot in the oven for an hour and a half.  When the hour and a half is up, remove the veg and the roast from the pot.  Let the roast rest.  We’ll get to the eating part in a bit.

Ingredients for the Roasted Veggies:

  • 2 large-ish parsnips
  • like 2 lbs of baby yukon gold potatoes (like the kind you would use for potato salad that you leave the peels on)
  • 1 rutabaga (maybe a 1.5 to 2 lb-er)
  • Salt and pepper to taste
  • Olive oil (drizzled over, no idea how much – not a lot)
  • 1 cup water

Instructions:

  1. When you stick the roast in the oven, you move on to the veggie portion of things.  Spray a baking dish (roasting pan, whatever) with cooking spray (Pam or similar).
  2. Now it’s time to get the veggies ready.  Peel and chop your parsnips and your rutabaga, and wash and cut your potatoes in half.  Basically, you want the root veggies to cook at the same rate, so chop accordingly.
  3. When you’re done, drizzle the whole with olive oil and season with salt and pepper and toss so the veg is coated.  Add in the water.  Cover tightly with foil.
  4. Stick the veg in the oven with the roast.
  5. When you take the roast out of the oven, remove the foil, toss the veg around, and raise the heat to 425.  Let the veg cook for about a half hour more, until it gets all awesome and roasty.

Instructions for the sauce:

Now, once the roast is out of the oven and off on its plate with the mushrooms and celery and stuff, you’ve got the cooking liquid left over.  Put that back on the stovetop, with heat at high or medium-high (use your best judgement) and add in a tablespoon or two of butter and sprinkle in some flour (1-3 tablespoons?  again, I’m not so much for the measuring).  Whisk whisk whisk whisk whisk and cook cook cook until thick and delicious.  (Yes, this is basically a beer sauce.)

When all the things are done, you put them on a plate and eat them.  And you put that sauce all over everything, because it is awesome.

- While making the pot roast, I finally watched the Jane Eyre film adaptation from last year which… it was both great and, I feel, a failed experiment.  Why the hell was St. John (SIN-juhn) Rivers such a large part of the story?  That said, I feel like there is a cat named St. John (SIN-juhn) somewhere in my future.  That said, I think that cat is in line behind Uncle Tannous, Carlos, Kevin, and Reginald.  (Yes, I have gotten in the habit of naming cats that are not yet born, as I won’t get another cat until my two current ones are dead.  I might actually have St. John (SIN-juhn) when I am a senior citizen, which makes the title of this post even more appropriate).

- Also while making the roast, I began a new knitting project, an awesome beret, which I have completed, and which is AWESOME.  I sometimes think that I would be happy if I only ever knitted hats, as if one is a weirdo compulsive person, a hat is done in ONLY ONE DAY!  Problematically, I really want to make a scarf to go with my jaunty beret, and I’ve got like 300-400  yards of this yarn left, and so clearly I need to make a scarf to go with my jaunty beret.  And because I’m bored by “easy” scarves now, this means that the scarf will take at least a couple of weeks.

- Oh, and I spent three hours watching public television while finishing up that beret.  Oh, Michael Pollan with your Botany of Desire!  Oh, Front Line with your investigation of the life of an undertaker, including dead old people and a dead baby!

And I am so relaxed and so happy.  Why exactly am I a professor, again?  I should so be some old lady with enough money that she doesn’t have to work as a greeter at Wal-Mart.  I would be great as an old lady with a ton of money.

Posted in Food, I should be doing work but... | 5 Comments »

A Lovely, Stupendous, Awesome Christmas – Complete with a Whole Lamb!

December 26, 2011 by Dr. Crazy

So I’m back home after a whirlwind trip to Hometown for the holiday.  I have to say, in spite of my grinchiness heading into the trip, and in spite of a horrible drive on the way in (rain + fog + hideous traffic + assholes who like to go 45 in the fast lane and/or brake on the highway and/or use their brights because they don’t understand those don’t do shit in fog other than blind other drivers), I had what might have been the loveliest Christmas ever.

The highlights of my visit:

  • First, there was lovely wine and catching up with A. and J. and H.  I have amazing friends, and it was so good to see them.
  • Then, there was quality time with the parents, and especially quality time with G., who was actually around for the first time in years for quality time because he and his brother sold the family store.
  • On the night of Dec. 23rd, my mom and I did what I suppose is now a tradition, in which we go up into the attic closet and my mother unearths the many and various crappy gifts that she has accumulated over the course of this year (and last, and the year before, for she buys multiples) and decides what people in her family “will get for Christmas.”  I think the most awesome moment this year was when she found a cake knife that she’d tried to give me a year or two ago and she tried to give it to me again, and then decided to give it to my Aunt Betty instead when I rejected it again (I don’t make cakes).  But no!  The most awesome moment was when she decided to give my cousin some random boots she’d bought, and when I questioned whether they would actually fit my cousin, my mom said, “One size fits all, Crazy!  Don’t you know that by now????” At which point we dissolved into hysterical laughter.
  • On Dec. 24, I actually did what little Christmas shopping I had to do (for my mom and G., because I don’t really do the “shopping for Christmas” thing for all the extended family) but with my mother in tow, so she actually picked out her present (an awesome purse that was on sale, marked down from like 150 bucks to 40!  Huzzah!) and she told me what to buy for G. since he refused to give me any ideas because he said all he wanted for Christmas was me at home (a new dark gray dress shirt, which incidentally he loved).
  • Then, our socializing on Christmas Eve involved two opposite experiences.  First, we went to my Aunt Betty’s house, which was… well, chaotic and stressful and really sort of terrible.  I love my family, but, well, I don’t come from some sort of Norman Rockwell painting.  I won’t get into the details, but you know something’s wrong when the most “normal” people at the gathering are your cousin with a neck tattoo who is in trouble with the city because of his many snakes (and other assorted animals) and your alcoholic uncle who is in terrible health and who was given 6 months to live like 3 years ago.  At one point my Aunt Betty retreated to her bedroom to dissolve into tears.  Awesome.
  • But THEN.  Then we went to my (step)cousin I.’s new house for Lebanese Christmas!!!!!!  It was, without doubt, the most awesome party ever!!!!!  First of all, it’s the first time in at least 20 years that we’ve been able to have the entire family in one place for Christmas because it’s the first time there was ever a big enough house. You don’t believe me?  Well, here’s the thing: I. is one of 6 kids, and his dad was G.’s eldest brother, and then there’s his wife.  They were the last ones to immigrate from Lebanon.  Once they immigrated, Christmas was no longer the “whole family” but instead there had to be like 3 different Christmases, because between the grandchildren, and then the great-grandchildren, there wasn’t room for everybody.  This year, EVERYBODY was at I.’s gigantic house.  There were no outsiders – just the family.  (Tayta – grandma – stayed home because she doesn’t leave the house anymore really, but we went to visit her before going to I.’s)  So you might think I’m exaggerating, but the headcount was this: somewhere around 60 people.  And that is our immediate family.  Three generations – grandparents (those of G’s generation), people my age through college-age, and the little kids of people my age.  No boyfriends or random friends.  And there was drinking (all the people my age and the college-age people were under the care of our parents who were the designated drivers) and dancing (arabic-style only!  in the kitchen! which yes is big enough to support dancing!).  And the food.  A Whole Freaking Lamb!  Stuffed with awesome rice stuffing!, plus: lamb chops, at least three different kinds of kibbeh, chicken, octopus (my favorite!), shrimp (cooked), shrimp cocktail, salatet fassolyah (lima beans), avacado hummus, hummus, tabbouleh, chicken, fattoush…. and I feel like I’m forgetting 10 things.  And the desserts!  (plus more besides)  And apparently now I’m going to Canada with my cousins some weekend in March (but no parents!) and it was so fun!  So great!  Huzzah!
  • And then Christmas day, I started off the day at A.’s house, for she was having her family over and I hadn’t seen them in a long time and her mom had specially requested that I come.  And so that meant I got to see A.’s nieces and nephews, and to visit with her siblings (and let’s note I’ve known all of them since I was like 14) and then from there I went to visit with my dad’s sister and my cousins on that side, which was awesome and ended with my aunt and I doing “Just Dance” on the Wii that my cousin T. had gotten for her kids.  (I will never feel the same way about Katy Perry’s “Firework” again.  Also, I really want a Wii of my own.)
  • Today, I decided to come back a day early because the weather is supposed to be shit tomorrow, but before that I saw my godfather (who is riddled with grief because his wife just died) for breakfast, and then my mom and I went to my Aunt Kathy’s house and I gave her the most Polock gift ever, in that I’d knitted her a scarf and a head-wrap ear-warmer thing but had forgotten to bring my yarn needle to finish things off so she has to finish them herself.  And then I drove home.

You’ll notice I haven’t talked about presents.  I did actually get some.  My mom bought me some baskets, a little thingie for the kitties, some wine glasses…. George bought me (the first present since before the store!) Alien perfume by Thierry Mugler (which I LOVE!  and almost bought for myself this summer!  and which is amazing!), and some other odds and ends from family, which are all great (some nice stuff for my house), but the greatest was this horrible bell from my Aunt Kitty which apparently everybody has been rejecting for years but I’d posted on Fb about my mom’s “gift closet” and she thought that I’d appreciate it :)

So now I’m home and Fb chatting with my Aunt Sue, so I suppose I’m done for tonight.  Point is?  Best thing about this visit was all the visiting.  Screw all this present nonsense.  I don’t need presents: I need quality time with my family.

Posted in Uncategorized | 8 Comments »

Hiatus, But Some Music

December 21, 2011 by Dr. Crazy

So I’m off to Hometown for the Christmas, and so I won’t be doing real posts for a bit, but I don’t want totally to leave y’all hanging.  So I thought now might be a good time to post some music.

First, some Christmas music.  Sure, we’re all sick of the typical Christmas hits, and then there are the really sad Christmas hits that we can’t really listen to without crying.  So my point here is to provide some alternatives, some alternatives that are AWESOME.

Are you all Christmas-ed out?  Perhaps you are.  I am.  I’m feeling very grinchy this year, actually.  So here is some music I love from this year, which has nothing to do with Christmas.

(I love this last song in spite of myself.  One of the guys in this band?  I graduated from high school with him.  Indeed, if I recall correctly, he was in my homeroom. And he was never cool enough to be in this band (not because he was a loser or something but because he was a giant asshole), to make this music.  And he certainly had a different name back in olden times.  But here we are, with me as a loser professor and him as a fake-named rockstar.  I’m trying my best to get over it.  Especially because I love this song, and this band.)

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments »

On Writing

December 15, 2011 by Dr. Crazy

So I spent the day reading the writing of my graduate students, and I’d estimate that over the past two weeks I’ve probably read somewhere around 700 pages of student writing of all levels (freshmen through gen ed through majors through grad students), and I probably have about two hundred more pages of student writing to go before I can call it a day on this semester.  (And no, I’m not exaggerating.  Welcome to the life of an English professor.  Well, or of an English professor with a 4/4 teaching load who makes her students do a shit-ton of writing and who has very poor planning skills.)  And at the same time, I’m working on my own stuff – polishing my book proposal (complete with fake summaries of chapters that I’ve yet to write) and polishing the sample chapter that goes with it.

So, as you might imagine, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about writing.  And I also have been feeling a bit… confused about whether my sense of what makes good writing is completely insane, because after reading this much writing and doing my own writing, I wonder if I’m entirely unreasonable in my expectations.  I don’t think that I am.  I think that I know what good writing is, and I think that I know what students of various levels should be capable of achieving.  But then… I don’t know.  Because I feel like I’m the only person who is giving my students the sort of feedback that I give them.  And then I wonder, if I’m so far off base from what they are hearing from other professors, am I fucking nuts?

So here is my manifesto on what I think constitutes “good” writing.

  • I think that good writing cares about its audience.  It tries its best to communicate clearly with that audience, and it tries to make the reading for the audience interesting and engaging.  Now, obviously, students with various levels of preparation will do this more or less successfully, but they should care, even if they don’t necessarily totally succeed.
  • I think that good writing shows what the writer thinks and – and this is an important and – shows how the writer got to that thought and why the writer got there.  If I’m left thinking “huh?” after reading a paragraph, that’s a problem, and it’s not my problem.  It’s a problem in the writing.
  • I think that good writing is careful and precise.  This means that it cares about pesky details like proofreading and word choice and parallel sentence structure.  It cares about things like paragraphs having a topic sentence and sources being effectively integrated.  Good writing doesn’t happen by accident.  It is deliberate.  You’ve got to do it on purpose.
  • I think that good writing takes risks.  Whether we’re talking about ideas or style or some combination of the two, safe writing is rarely the best writing.  One has to make oneself vulnerable as a writer, or one isn’t likely to produce something that has the potential to rock anybody’s world (least of all, one’s own world, if one is the writer.)  Good writing isn’t about jumping through hoops: it’s about leaping off cliffs.  On purpose.  Even though it’s terrifying.
  • I think that good writing makes you forget about the writing.  When I read good writing, I get so caught up in the ideas that I am transported.  I don’t think about sloppy editing, or poor word choice, or circular logic, or passive voice.  I think about the ideas.  I think about how interested I am.  Good writing doesn’t call attention to itself as “writing.”
  • I think that good writing has a clear and consistent voice that lets me “hear” the writer, even if I don’t know him or her.  That voice isn’t a performance; it is authentic.
  • I think that good writing lets the writer think about things in a more thorough and substantial way.  Good writing should reveal the mind of the writer.

This isn’t me saying that I don’t think that there are levels of “good” based on experience and ability.  There most certainly are.  And I’m not at all saying I’m a “perfect” writer, or that I don’t have my own failings as a writer, or that I don’t ignore some of the very things that I list above, depending on the writing situation.  (For example, I break most of these rules on this blog – I don’t revise, I pretty much write for myself and not for an audience, I’m not deliberate, I don’t take risks as a writer…. pretty much the only one I things I do “properly” are to write in my own voice and to use my writing to think things through.

I suppose the thing that I don’t understand about my students, and I guess I’m particularly talking about my graduate students here, is why they don’t appear to care more about producing good writing.  Why they don’t seem to be ashamed of the writing that they submit to me.  Why even when they express shame they don’t do things that I clearly state that I want for them to do and explicitly require them to do….  Honestly, I would have killed myself before submitting some of the things that I read today.  Papers that are eight pages shorter than the minimum on the assignment, papers with problems with subject/verb agreement, papers that don’t have the required scholarly sources.  This from graduate students.  I understand that I don’t teach at freaking Harvard, but shouldn’t they at least be trying to do their very best work?  And what happens in their other coursework before they find their way to me?  Do my colleagues not teach them that they should be ashamed of themselves?

But so maybe I’m an asshole and I expect too much.  I don’t think that’s true, but at this point, I really don’t know.  Whatever the case, I guess it’s time to return to my book proposal.

 

 

Posted in Blah blah blah writing blah blah | 7 Comments »

Workload Watchers

December 13, 2011 by Dr. Crazy

This is not my comprehensive New Year’s Resolution post.  However, I had an idea today, that I think is going to be a crucial component of the resolutions that I’ll make for the coming year.

See, I’ve been in a pickle when it comes to the way that my workload is distributed.  And I’ve been scolded by a couple of authority figures that it’s not them – it’s me.  See, my problem is that I am not managing my workload effectively.  Now, I’ve got opinions about that perspective on my workload, but I’ve decided to stop worrying about my opinions and to take the criticism as a just one.  Perhaps I am, in fact, a bad, bad girl, and the buck when it comes to my workload does indeed stop with me.

So today, as I was proctoring a final, and after I’d realized that while I’d brought my knitting I’d forgotten my crucial second knitting needle and so couldn’t work on my current scarf project, I got to thinking about what my workload is supposed to be.  Now, at my teaching-oriented regional comprehensive uni, the party line is that in general, teaching is about 50 percent (though it might be slightly more), and then the rest is divided between research and service (either 25%/25%, or, more realistically 30%/20% in either direction, adjusted for if teaching turns out to be slightly more).

So I thought, let’s think about this in terms of hours per week. Let’s imagine that I’m working with a standard, full-time work-week, of 40 hours.  (I know, but bear with me.)  This would put me at 20/10/10 for teaching, research, and service, or, a more likely distribution for me, 20/12/8.

Except hold on a minute.  I teach 4 courses, so that means that I’ve got 12 hours in the classroom.  Add to that the fact that I schedule 4 office hours, or one hour per course, and this puts me at 18.  Now even if we assume that of those 4 office hours weekly I can use 2 of those for prep/grading (which is a foolish assumption, given the fact that students regularly make use of my office hours), that would only leave me with 2 additional hours per week for prep/grading.  (And I’m totally leaving out of this equation the fact that I’m supervising MA students or serving on committees for MA students.)  Even if I’m teaching repeat preps (I teach 4 preps per semester), I still need to do some prep for each class meeting, in the form of reading (or rereading) or updating assignments, designing new assignments, etc., and all of my courses are writing intensive.  Given those facts, I’m probably going to need some additional time for prep/grading beyond 4 hours (generously) per week.  So let’s bump up my teaching to 24 hours per week (which is still probably way below what I will actually do, but for the sake of argument, let’s say that I can do everything in 24 hours).  That puts teaching at 60%, which seems reasonable given my 4/4 load.

This then leaves me with 40%, or 16 hours, with which to work.  So let’s say that I keep research at 30%, which I think at this point in my career seems reasonable, given the fact that only research will allow me to get promoted to full professor.  That is 12 hours per week.  And that leaves me with 4 hours of service per week*, or 10%.

Once I broke it down this way (which, I’ll be honest, it’s the first time in my career that I’ve ever bothered to do this), I realized that I have never, ever, spent 12 hours per week on research (even when working 60-70-hour weeks) except for when I had course releases.  I also realized that I regularly spend upwards of 10 hours per week on service, which goes unacknowledged and gets me no closer to my professional goals, whether in the broader profession or at this institution.  And, let’s note, that all I get for “managing” (or not) my workload as I’ve been doing is scolded.  So.

I think that I’ve come upon a plan.  I’m going to track my working hours next semester, not for the purpose of justifying righteous indignation – for I have tracked in the past for just that purpose – but in order to attempt to come in at 24/12/4 as my hours each week in each area.  Now, I recognize that I most likely will exceed these targets in some weeks, come in below those targets in others. But if I track, then I can make better sense of when I need to pull back, or when I need to step it up in a given area.

Basically, what I’m proposing is Workload Watchers, the academic’s version of Weight Watchers.  The idea being that if I stay on the plan, I figure that much like with the Weight Watchers I will find a place of peace and tranquility and self esteem, and in addition I will look great and feel like I’m a whole well-balanced person.

I should note, that if I follow this 4 hours per week rule with service, the weeks when I have Major Committee Chair duties I will not have time for any additional service.  In the “off” weeks, when I have Major Committee Member duties, I will only have time for two additional hours per week, which basically takes care of all of my other service commitments.  In other words, I cannot say yes to a single other thing.  Not because I’m a bitch, but because that is what the numbers tell me. It’s worth noting that I spent three hours on service already this week, even though it’s finals week and my two major committees did not meet.  (And I’m not talking about emails or whatever here – I’m talking about actual time clocked in “ad hoc” meetings.)

In addition, I have made the determination that if I go above and beyond, time doing service is what gets cut first.  Research will only get cut if I’m at zero with service and there are service obligations that I must complete.

I have also scheduled my research time for all of next semester, and I am going to post my research time on my office door, along with my teaching schedule and office hours.

Now, the nature of the beast is that I’m going to need to be flexible.  Sometimes, I’m going to go way above my 40 hours, and sometimes, I’m going to work on weekends or at night.  But the point is, much like with the Weight Watchers, Workload Watchers is about lifestyle adjustment.  And tracking is essential to that.  It’s not about tracking out of resentment, or tracking out of a sense that one needs to prove one’s worth.  You track so that you can make better choices.

If only there was an app for my phone for this…. or a points plus system…..

*I would feel guilty about only allocating four hours per week for service, in terms of percentages, if there were equitable distribution of service across my department/institution, but the fact of the matter is that this is not the case.  If everybody were doing 4 hours per week, I suspect nobody would have to do 4 hours per week.

Posted in Introspection, Taking care of business | 13 Comments »

A Plagiarism Story

December 9, 2011 by Dr. Crazy

So Flavia posted about plagiarism earlier this week, and then Historiann picked up on it.  And I was feeling all smug because I haven’t had a plagiarist in quite some time, but then also was wondering whether I’ve just gone soft, that I’m just so overworked and overwhelmed that I don’t even suspect the plagiarism anymore.  Well, I got confirmation today that I haven’t gone soft.

I read the first page of this paper.  There wasn’t anything in it, probably, that would have made most people blink.  The paper fit the parameters of the assignment.  The paper’s ideas were something that this student could likely have produced, given hir previous work.  The paper had MLA errors that were typical of a paper that a regular student would submit.  There weren’t any weird formatting issues, or weird typos that gave me the tip-off.  There was, honestly, nothing suspicious about it.  And yet, there was something… something… ineffably… wrong.  So I read that first page – even wrote a comment that the thesis statement was “Interesting!”.  And then?  I thought, you know, I’ve got this funny feeling.  Maybe I’ll google a sentence.

And it was a paper that came straight from the internet.  The whole freaking thing.

And that’s when I started shaking.  Literally, I started shaking.  I wasn’t angry.  It wasn’t that I was taking it personally.  In trying to analyze that physical response, I think that I was just horrified.  I think I was horrified that the student did this (and horrified at what it might mean for the student – I hadn’t even gotten to deciding on a punishment – I was seriously like, “but what will happen?“), and I was, well, I think sad, and I think I also was thinking, “What the fuck?  Seriously?  This on top of all the other things?”

And then I went to my chair.  And he was amazing, and supportive, and well, just perfect.  (And yes, I know that I criticize him for a lot of things, but I have to give credit where it is due on this because he was perfect.)

And so here’s the take-away.  If your professors actually read your work throughout the course of a semester, they will catch you if you plagiarize.  Not because there is anything necessarily amiss in what you submit, but because they know you, even if you think they don’t.  They will get a funny feeling, and they will follow up on it, and you will be caught.  And I still can’t tell you what the “red flag” was in this paper.  I just knew that it wasn’t my students’ work.  And, ultimately, it wasn’t.  And I’m proceeding according to policy against the student, and once that decision was made, I don’t actually feel badly about it and I’m not shaking.  My heart isn’t broken.  The student took a risk, and the student faces the consequences for it.  I’ll sleep like a baby tonight.  And I don’t care.  I mean, I sort of care, because it sucks, but I don’t care to the extent that I would do anything to help the student at this point.  I don’t care, but I do have confirmation that I know plagiarism when I see it.  And I do have confirmation that even after five years of not dealing with plagiarism*, I am on guard for it.  I suppose that’s good.

Another story, which is unrelated except for that I think that it does relate.  Later in the day, I heard some students talking about me in the hall. Apparently, even though they’d come by my office to pick up their papers, and they saw that I was in my office, they assumed that because they’d turned a couple of corners after picking those up that I couldn’t hear them even though they were but 10 feet away from my wide open office door.  So they were talking about how they saw the volume of comments on their papers, without reading them, and how they didn’t even want to look at what was there.  And a student who’d taken another class with me said, loudly, “No, here’s the thing.  I don’t want to read mine, either.  Because she really  reads your paper.  She catches every little thing. But it’s good because you know she actually read your paper.  And the comments aren’t mean… they are right.  But that’s the most horrible part.  She sees everything that you meant to write, and she also sees everything that you did wrong, and everything that you would have caught if you just would have paid attention.”

On the one hand, I was horrified to overhear this speech, in addition to the accompanying conversation.  DUDE!  I’m in my office with the door open!!!!  Do you think I can’t HEAR?!?!  On the other, well, I was also proud of myself.  Because I am a careful reader of my students’ work.  And they know that I am.  And 99% of the time, that results in them submitting their own work, because they know I’ll really, really, read it.

I’ve often said that my dissertation director was the best reader of my work that I ever had.  Like really – I hated it, but I felt like he read so carefully that he saw what I meant to say.  And I admired that.  I don’t know that this is true, but I think that I might at least a little bit have learned to do that for my own students from him.  So as much as this day sucked on so many levels (it began with plagiarism, nearly ended with the most intense committee meeting I’ve ever chaired, and then I still had 3 more hours left in my day)?  It sucks less thinking that might be true.

*And I don’t think that student have been plagiarizing and I’m just not catching them, or, if that’s the case, that there is some mystery to why my students don’t test me with the plagiarism.  I think it has to do with the fact that I read drafts, the fact that I assign a lot of small writing assignments that lead up to the big ones, and the fact that the writing assignments that I devise aren’t easily plagiarizable (scaffolding, bizarre topics, they must develop their own topics, etc.).  I’m not saying that my students are perfect, but they don’t tend to try to pull fast ones with me with their writing.  Because I make it more trouble than it’s worth on the front end.

Posted in Uncategorized | 13 Comments »

French Bistro Food to Commemorate a Semester with Much Theory by Frenchies

December 7, 2011 by Dr. Crazy

Tonight was my last grad seminar, and, following tradition, I made dinner for them.  The last night I have them workshop their seminar papers – something that never happened in either my M.A. program or my Ph.D. program – but my graddies… well, they need some peer review.  And while they peer review I comment on all their drafts, too, in a mad dash to make something awesome happen.  But in order to compensate for the fear that I strike in their hearts, I make them dinner to begin the evening.  To this point, I’ve not had them come to my house.  I make dinner and bring it to them.  (One benefit of living less than 10 minutes from campus.)

Now, I know some of my readers (and some of my colleagues) make it a policy, as women professors, not to do things like cook for their students.  But this is a thing that I do.  It’s a thing I do in part because I kick their asses up until the end, and for those who stick it out?  I kind of want to thank them for stepping up and sticking it out and for doing their best work for me (which they do – seriously – I believe that they do better work for me then they have ever done, which is hard on all of us getting them there, but I want to demonstrate for them that I believe that they went above and beyond the norm, and how I demonstrate that is with food).  I don’t see this as in any way compromising my authority as a professor, or putting me in a “mommy” position or something, that I cook for them.  If I did, I wouldn’t.  This is something I started doing in my totally ass-kicking classes maybe 5 years ago?  And I started doing it because I realized that I wanted to give them something to compensate for everything that I did to them prior to that.  And I like to cook, and I’m a good cook.

I am not a professor who arranges a snack schedule at the beginning of the semester (as some of my colleagues do for night classes) and I’m not a professor who brings candy on Halloween or cookies at Christmas or something.  Those things do feel wrong for me.  But a celebratory meal at the end?  That feels right to me.  It feels like an appropriate way to commemorate the work that we’ve done.  That they have done, and that I have done.

So tonight I made braised chicken (unbelievable), served with buttered egg noodles and a spinach salad with bosc pears with homemade dressing.  While it wasn’t as totally amazing as the coq au vin with buttered noodles and tomato soup that I had at Bistro Jeanty in Napa in October, for I’m not a classically trained French chef, it was really motherfucking awesome.  I mean, seriously.  And yes, I know that it’s gauche to praise one’s own food, but I’m gauche.  It was amazing.

And then the drafts.  Well, the good news is that I’m not seriously concerned about any of them.  They are all going to do ok, though some have a hell of a lot more work ahead of them in the next week than others of them do.  And I could see, in the partial drafts that they produced (well, one had a full draft, but I’ll get to that in a minute), that they had learned this semester.  That said, a good many of them had problems with argument (being afraid to make one) and with organization (having no fucking clue how to get forward momentum in presenting an argument).  I think it’s an issue of not ever being encouraged as undergrads to get to that point, and just a more generalized confidence issue.  They have ideas…. they just want to keep them hidden, for whatever reason.  Also, they are all bizarrely in love with Simone de Beauvoir, who’s great and all, but this attachment to her has absolutely nothing to do with the way that I taught Beauvoir.  Perhaps Beauvoir’s time has come for feminist/gender theory?  Who knows.

And then there was the one and only so close to complete draft I could have eaten it.  Dude: it’s so freaking good.  Now, this student did come to meet with me about the paper last week, and yes, that made a huge difference (mainly in terms of structure).  But this paper?  OF PUBLISHABLE FREAKING QUALITY!!!!  I CAN’T WAIT TO DO THE “REAL” COMMENTING ON IT, BECAUSE IT IS SO WORTHY OF ME DOING A READER’S REPORT ON IT!  AND SUGGESTING SOME JOURNALS TO WHICH TO SUBMIT IT!!!! ORIGINAL IDEA!!!!  AMAZING THEORETICAL ACUMEN!!!! BETTER THAN SHIT I’VE REVIEWED FOR FANCY JOURNALS!!!!! BETTER THAN PUBLISHED SHIT I’VE READ!!!

What’s awesome about this for me is to realize that even though I teach in a totally shit grad program (and a VERY YOUNG grad program) at a regional university… a cash cow sort of program… sometimes there is total motherfucking brilliance.  And this student has been nurtured to this point in our program.  I won’t say that we are responsible for this work – I don’t think that we are – but I do think that the student has been challenged in our program, and challenged by me, to the point of excellence.

If I’m honest, I wish that I had written this essay.  It’s that good.

Ok, I have to go to bed now, because I have 783 things to grade, and a full day of teaching and meetings and obligations that will keep me busy for approximately 11 hours tomorrow.  But WOW am I impressed by my student and proud of my student.

 

Posted in Teaching | 5 Comments »

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year? Hardly

December 5, 2011 by Dr. Crazy

That is all.

 

Posted in Uncategorized | 13 Comments »

Writing, Knitting, Teaching, Practicing

December 3, 2011 by Dr. Crazy

I started this semester with a goal to complete a draft of a chapter toward my book project.  I only got about halfway to that draft, between life getting in the way, teaching, service drama, etc.  But I am actually feeling really good about the fact that I even got halfway.

But right now, in spite of my own writing stuff that lurks in the shadows, the writing that most consumes me is not my own but the writing of my students.  One of my grad students emailed me today, freaking out about her paper for my theory seminar.  The freak-out was not unlike one I remember having when I was dissertating.  My freak-out was along the lines of “BUT OMG I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT A DISSERTATION IS!!!!! HOW LONG IS A DISSERTATION!!!!!  WHAT DOES DISSERTATION EVEN MEAN!!!!” and I conducted mine in person with a mentor and sobbed my head off.  My student didn’t go in for those histrionics, but it was basically “WHAT DOES IT EVEN MEAN TO WRITE A THEORETICALLY ORIENTED ESSAY????  WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?  AND WHO AM I TO WRITE USING THEORY????”

But since it was in email, it was less “I need to talk you off the ledge” on my end than, “ok, how do I explain this in a clear way in an email?”  And what I came up with was this:

“Think of it this way. When you knit something, you have yarn, and you have needles. The primary text (a novel, a film, whatever) is like the yarn. You can’t even begin to knit if you don’t have yarn, the raw material. The needles are like the criticism or scholarship on that primary text – the criticism allows you to make connections with the raw material. Now, you can knit a scarf with just some yarn and some needles – you don’t need a pattern – you just cast on some stitches and knit away. That is like writing a research paper when you’re an undergraduate. When you add theory into the mix in your writing, it’s like going from a basic knit stitch and only having the ability to make scarves to knitting with a pattern, where now you can make a sweater or a hat or something. All of a sudden, you can do things with your yarn and needles that you couldn’t do without the pattern. But so if you think of it that way, the theory itself isn’t the point, just like the pattern isn’t really the point. It’s a means to an end – not the end in itself. “

I’m not sure how effective this explanation was, as I don’t think that the student knits.  And even I see that it’s not a perfect analogy, but in my head… yes, I think that this is how I see the work that we do as writers of literary criticism.  Or at least the work that I do as a literary critic.  And it’s funny, I think that this analogy works for me in part because I think that my greatest strength as a knitter, and also my greatest weakness, is the fact that I get so caught up in the process that I’m honestly astonished when I actually end up with a hat at the end of it.  This is a strength because it means that I forgive myself when I make mistakes, but it also means that since I’m so into the process and not the end product, every single thing I’ve ever knitted has some sort of fucked up thing in it.  If I were end-product oriented, I feel like I’d probably be a better knitter, but I’m just into the process, really.  I’m just not detail-oriented in the way that you need to be to produce perfect things.  This is also my greatest strength as a writer, and my greatest weakness.  What I love about writing is the writing, if that makes sense.  I loved writing my book, and the thinking that I did through writing, but I do not, at all, love my book.  Same with the essays that I’ve written and published.  I can remember the music that I was listening to, what I wore as I was writing, setbacks and breakthroughs, but the finished product?  It’s like it was produced by somebody else.  I’ve assigned some of my published stuff in classes I teach – in order to talk about writing – and I always have to reread it before we talk about it in class, because I am so disconnected from it that I don’t remember what the fuck I wrote.  While I like having done the thing – so like, I enjoy seeing the artifact of something that I’ve written in publication, or I like the fact that I can wear a hat that I knitted – I don’t actually care about it once it’s done.  What I care about is the current thing that I’m knitting, or writing.  The done thing… it’s ultimately boring.  Nice, and great and all, but boring.  By the time it’s done, I’ve moved on.

But so as a teacher, this is one of my challenges.  From a student perspective, what matters in writing is the end product.  That’s what they think that I care about.  Except for that I don’t, not really.  So a lot of what I do in teaching writing – whether in composition courses or undergrad lit courses or grad theory courses – is spend a good amount of time trying to convince them that what I care about is not the end product, although I have high expectations for it, but their process – their thinking.  They always seem surprised that I want to know about that, or that I think that is probably the most important part, for me.

But so, see, the thing for me – both with the writing that my students do and the writing that I do – is that I see it as practicing, not as the actual game.  I see it as a dress rehearsal, and not as the polished performance.  And so the reality is that my published writing is probably not as good as it could or maybe even should be.  But as I practice, I get better each time.  As I rehearse, I get better with each rehearsal.  But it’s never done.  And it’s never perfect.

And because of who I am?  It’s never going to be perfect.  I suppose the difference for me with the second book, in contrast to the first book, is that I don’t think that I expect perfection from myself anymore, or want perfection from myself anymore.  I think that maybe the lesson of my first book was to learn that I’d look at it after it was out and see its flaws, and that it wasn’t the end of me or the culmination of my ideas.  It’s sort of like how I look at my first scarf.  I’m still ridiculously proud of it, as it’s my first scarf.  But it’s just the first thing I ever knitted.  And there are things that didn’t work perfectly with it, but now I’m knitting new things.  My first book was my first scarf.  And now I’m writing new things.  What matters is the writing, and not what I wrote before.  I’m only practicing, but I do think my second book is at least a hat, and not only a scarf.

Posted in Blah blah blah writing blah blah, Introspection, Teaching, Uncategorized | 9 Comments »

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