You guys, I have something to confess. I’ve been slacking. Slacking about Mary Worth. She’s had a fab week and I’ve ignored it, which is violating the sacred bond between my readers and myself. It took a gently prodding letter from a faithful reader, who was concerned that I hadn’t been addressing Mary’s antics and expressed hope that I would maybe do a wrap-up post for the week, that forced me to confront my failure in this area and resolve to do better. As I prepare to leave for my annual tri-city Chrimukkwanzaa voyage, I leave you in Mary’s capable hands until I return in 2012.
What was the high point of Mary’s week? Was it Monday, when her determination to rescue an innocent girl caused her to violently assault a hapless waitress?
Mary Worth, 12/19/11
Was it Tuesday, when that girl learned that pretty girls get free ice cream?
Panel from Mary Worth, 12/20/11
Was it Thursday, when a wide-eyed Mary gesticulated so violently at the 911 operator that her cravat was knocked askew?
Mary Worth, 12/22/11
Or is it today, when our evil kidnapper subtly asserts his power by placing his body somehow next to and in front of the diner table, proving his ability to ignore the rules of Euclidian space-tieme?
Panel from Mary Worth, 12/23/11
I will see you all again January 3 or thereabouts! In the meantime, please enjoy your comment of the week:
“I’ve put up with art show happenings, Dalai Lama snubs, improbable musical careers, and more twists than a bag of pretzels from A3G but Lu Ann having a ‘sudden flash of insight’? You’ve gone too far this time, Shulock. Too far.” –Ed Dravecky
And the runners up, very funny:
“Uh, Lu Ann, I hate to be a nit-picker, but you acquiesced to his proposal after like one date and a visit to his family who all demanded you marry him. I don’t think knowing you was ever on the menu.” –commodorejohn
“Kelly puts her finger to her head and thinks, ‘Gave it to their native friends? Could it be some kind of tax-dodging money-laundering Bible-bird-band scheme? Jackpot! Quick, Honey, fetch my steno pad!’” –Nate
“I love that gleam in Mark’s eye and his broad smile as he sees the meal that Mother McQueen has prepared. ‘Damn, I wish Cherry could learn how to roast a bear turd like that!’” –seismic-2
“This new plane we developed has a special inability to fly that eludes radar detection.” –sporknpork
“I hope I’m not the only one whose first thought was that when Marvin thought he’d ‘go on Santa’s Facebook page,’ he meant he was planning to take a dump on the computer.” –spence-bob
“This has been Emily Smith’s lucky week. First, a stranger offered her candy if she would take a ride in his car, and now another stranger is offering her ice cream! Dare she press her luck, by asking about pie?” –seismic-2
“To: Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Industries LLC. From: Central Intelligence Agency. Classification Level: TOP SECRET. Mission: Produce as much secret military plane-related ‘humor’ as possible. Said strips will be leafleted upon Iran until they give up the captured spy drone in disgust.” –Dagger
“If Ghost Gary truly looks out for his girl Lu Ann, where was he when she almost died from ‘accidentally’ huffing paint fumes a while back? Apparently, he only cares about her life when it involves another guy. Well, at least she’s got a type.” –LogopolisMike
And if you want to learn more about advertising on the site you can go here but really I’m not going to update the site or even really check my email much until after the New Year, so you should really wait until then to do anything about it. See you in 2012 for the apocalypse, suckers!
Beetle Bailey, 12/22/11
Normally, I’m more than willing to tear into Beetle Bailey’s crappy, underimagined art. But for today’s strip — in which Camp Swampy’s poor cook managed to horribly burn himself in some kind of grease fire and yet was still forced to stumble out into the mess hall in agony to present the evening meal to Sarge, as some kind of cruel joke — I’m pretty OK with what we get, which appears to interpret “awful third-degree burns” as “dirt or mud of some kind.”
Apartment 3-G, 12/22/11
Just to be clear, Gary reappeared in Lu Ann’s life in the form of a letter from the Air Force informing her of his death. Creepiest guardian angel ever?
Apartment 3-G, 12/21/11
Aww, Lu Ann as earned herself a little post-engagement-breaking-off aimless wandering/thought ballooning. Naturally, I’m EXTREMELY hesitant to argue with any sentence that starts with “Maybe Margo was right all along,” but … maybe the adjective you’re thinking of isn’t “happy” so much as “creepy, controlling, and cult-like”? OK, that’s three adjectives, but you know. Of course, if Lu Ann did fall in love with the entire Linski compound, that’s a sure sign of insanity on her part, so Margo could still be right in that the Lu Ann’s misplaced affections are a sign of her severe emotional problems.
Spider-Man, 12/21/11
“I mean, will this new apartment have a ‘door,’ or one of those fancy new ‘windows’ everyone’s talking about? I know you got a big raise, but this is New York, and real estate is spendy if you want those kinds of amenities.”
Family Circus, 12/21/11
“And I’m not sweet at all! Everyone who’s met me thinks I’m basically intolerable!”
Beetle Bailey, 12/20/12
I’m not sure which explanation for this cartoon is sadder: that the Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Industries LLC creative team couldn’t be bothered to do 30 seconds of Google Image Searching to find out what a stealth fighter actually looks like, or that they think that they’re the first to come up with the idea of a plane with a “special skin that eludes radar detection” and ran off to the patent office immediately after sending this strip to the syndicate.
Marvin, 12/20/12
Oh look, Marvin has decided to join Crankshaft on the ha ha Santa is on the Facebook now get it because the Facebook is popular and it’s Christmas bandwagon! Having read this strip, I now feel that I have to give Crankshaft some credit, as it managed to put together its punchline without actually betraying a complete ignorance of how Facebook actually works.
Crankshaft, 12/19/11
Reader of the twin Funkyverse strips are well acquainted with the heavy-lidded, soul-dead expression on the face of our young elf in panel two. Usually it’s just a sign that the character has been ground down by these strips’ omnipresent miasma of despair, but here I think it’s supposed to indicate that elf-girl too is part of the detached Facebook generation, as evidenced by the fact that she’s staring at her own phone rather than trying to drum up business with a little holiday showmanship. Her social analysis aside, though, I think it’s more likely that nobody is coming to see Santa because Crankshaft is an hateful jerk and no loving parent would let their children anywhere near him.
Mark Trail, 12/19/11
Somewhere back in the misty beginning of this plotline, Kelly declared that following the golden bible bird bands back to their source “would make a good story!” As it turns out, the gold came from a crappy played-out mine, only one or two bands were ever made, and Honey the Bear wasn’t even that good at fighting off wolves. The only vaguely interesting angle is that Mountie McQueen is allowed to remain a law enforcement officer despite his erratic behavior and hair-trigger temper. As our gang gathers around the table to enjoy something indeterminate and loaf-life, I think we all have to come up to terms with the fact that Kelly Welly’s journalistic instincts aren’t actually very keen.
Six Chix, 12/19/11
Yeah, so, long story short, Mrs. Claus is keeping tabs on your internet pornography habits.
Beetle Bailey, 12/18/11
Just beneath the corny wackiness of Beetle Bailey is of course a constant undercurrent of brutal violence, but I’ve never seen it quite so explicit as it is today. We see Camp Swampy as a set of mutually hostile fiefdoms, whose simmering resentment towards each other could escalate to open carnage based on the most minor of disputes, with little that the camp commanders can do to restrain their nominal underlings. The final panel is particularly harrowing: Sarge, still so keyed up that he probably can’t even feel those visible bruises yet, stalking off wide-eyed from the mangled corpse of his rival, which he’s left among the strewn garbage and its stink lines.
Panel from Slylock Fox, 12/18/11
Ha, this is a great look at the pathetic home life of Shady Shrew! Rotting food on the floor, bugs everywhere demonstrating his failure as an insectivore, a hole in the window that instead of fixing or even covering with plastic sheeting he’s just using to lob eggs at penguins, suitcases at the ready in case he ever needs to bust out the old “No, I just got back from a long trip, I swear!” alibi, etc. Thank God his mother isn’t around to see this. (She’s not dead, just so disgusted by her son that she never comes by to visit.)
Pluggers, 12/18/11
Normally I shave off the Pluggers Sunday title panel so that you can get a better look at the actual comic itself (to punish you, I guess?) but today I wanted you to see the trio of plugger-spawn smiling at you from above the strip’s logo. Despite their genetic abnormalities, pluggers have managed to reproduce, which means there will be another generation of this comic, despite your fondest hopes! On the bright side, these young pluggers would rather sit dully on their couch diddling with computer whatsits than learn the basics of becoming a guerilla army.
