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Don't Quit Your Day Job Records: Rock Bottom Remainders

NEW BLOG SITE

OK, the new site appears to be working. The address is http://weblog.herald.com/column/davebarry/.

Please note that there is now a "comments" section, where a thoughtful intellectual discussion is already taking place on the topic of Johnny Depp's ding dongs.
posted by Dave 09:22

MIGRATION STATUS UPDATE

We are still working on the migration of this blog to a new url, and everything is going very smoofjgpoty8tyru)&_(^)&SYDOITY;
posted by Dave 17:54

FUN PETS TO HAVE

"Here girl! C'mon girl! NO, wait! GO BACK, GIRL!"

(Thanks to Savitri)

posted by Dave 10:59

JOHNNY DEPP UPDATE UPDATE

The Stealth Bloggerette is such a slut.

posted by Dave 10:49

JOHNNY DEPP UPDATE

Like we care about his hair.
posted by judi 10:31

OMAN UPDATE

No, this blog does not know where the hell Oman is, either.

posted by Dave 10:12

BREAKING NEWS FROM OMAN

Oman's leading snake catcher, Mr. Syed Farook, has returned from India and is ready for action.

Key excerpt:

“I have returned with a load of valuable information, skills on snakes and experiences, which has pumped up my knowledge and confidence in the snake hunting techniques, handling of a freshly caught snake, the housing and care of snakes,” Farook said. But the best part is his newfound ability to milk the venom of snakes for the first time in Oman.

posted by Dave 10:11

BLOG MIGRATION ANNOUNCEMENT

Today is the Big Day: This blog will be migrating to another URL (pronounced "url"). A lot of thought, planning and effort have gone into this, so it will most likely be a total disaster. The whole Internet could implode. By nightfall the entire industrialized world will be communicating via smoke signals.

But if it actually goes as planned, there will be a link on this site directing you to the new site. It's going to be very elegant. We have employed some top website designers, who have produced some amazing work.
posted by Dave 09:58

ACADEMY AWARDS REACTION

What the hell was the deal with Johnny Depp's hair? That was this blog's reaction.

posted by Dave 09:52

BASEBALL NEWS

He's going to do what?

(Thanks to Matt Mesmer)
posted by judi 16:11

MOTHER EARTH NEWS

Is that a rock in your crevasse, or are you just glad to see me?

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick, who seemed to think I would be interested)
posted by judi 14:48

THE ULTIMATE IN GUY COMFORT

Wanna come over and watch TV?

(Thanks to Chris Miller)
posted by judi 14:35

WATCH OUT

He's carrying a concealed weapon.

(Thanks to Jim Hohnbaum)
posted by judi 14:33

ATTENTION GUYS

You wanna hold her hand.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)
posted by judi 13:52

FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE

Those Russians, they really know how to immortalize your top musical acts.

(Thanks to Drew Harchick)

posted by judi 11:47

HELPFUL BOOK

A need is met.

(Thanks to Cat Conner)
posted by judi 22:31

WHOOPS

Don't bogart that saphenous vein
Hand it over to me...

(Thanks to David Tong)
posted by judi 22:19

OK ALREADY

TV doesn't get any more real than this.

(Thanks to several billion people)
posted by judi 22:04

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now they're using Barbie.

(Thanks to James Cole)
posted by judi 21:53

DRAMATIC SNAKE RESCUE!

Monty the Python is saved.

posted by Dave 15:12

KINDA COOL, KINDA STUPID, KINDA GROSS, BUT FUN, IF YOU GET 'EM PINNED DOWN BEFORE YOU START

Just like guys.

(Thanks to Bob Hopf)
posted by judi 14:18

NEWS FROM THE ART WORLD

Of course it's outside Britain's Tate Gallery.

(Thanks to Bernie Langer)
posted by judi 12:41

WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON

...with cows?

(Thanks again to our Cow News Correspondent, Claire "Moo" Martin)

posted by Dave 09:36

CRIME UPDATE

It's about damn time the authorities cracked down on this.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

posted by Dave 09:33

SOUTH FLORIDA POLITICS: A CLASS ACT

Go here to read Miami Herald columnist Joan Fleischman's account of a thoughtful, issue-oriented race for a commissioner's seat in the city of Surfside. Be SURE to click on the video link.
posted by Dave 09:24

ATTENTION, OFFICE WORKERS AND COMMERCIAL AIRLINE PILOTS WISHING TO BE DISCREET

Here you (burp) go.

(Thanks to Chris Miller)

posted by Dave 09:18

WATCH OUT!

Yeti could be lurking on any mountainside.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)


posted by judi 00:46

LAZYBOY

...seeks mate.

(Thanks to Joe "I jog, pollenate" Pignatiello)
posted by judi 00:11

TRAVEL ADVISORY

You definitely want to take your medications with you to the UK.

(Thanks to Charlotte Buckley)
posted by judi 14:50

MOURE FROUM ANOUTHER COULTURE

We don't want to know how they figured this out.

(Thanks to John Dodds)
posted by judi 14:05

THOSE WACKY CANADIANS

What could be more fun than electrocuting children at a birthday party, eh?!

(Thanks to Martin Saidla)
posted by judi 13:51

UNEXPECTED BENEFIT OF DRINKING

Other species become more attractive also.

(Thanks to Elaine Harder)
posted by judi 13:47

GUARANTEED

Somehow this is going to turn out to be her fault.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)
posted by judi 13:44

OTHER CULTURES ARE NOT WEIRD!

Really! They're just... different.

("Thanks" to Brian Noury)

posted by Dave 08:35

HERCULES THE LOBSTER UPDATE

R.I.P., Hercules.

posted by Dave 08:30

NO NO NO

This is just not possible. Right?

(Thanks to John Dodds)
posted by judi 01:42

MORE URINAL NEWS

Hallelujah.

(Thanks to elizabeth8)
posted by judi 01:22

URINALYSIS

This is far too tasteless to blog.

(Thanks to Christine Holmes)

posted by judi 01:14

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using piranhas.

(Thanks to Scott Brown)
posted by judi 01:06

A SONG FOR YOU

If you are old and lame and watched a lot of TV in the 60s.

(One of many quotes: "We're not a one to saddle up and run Bonanza! Anyone of us who starts a little fuss knows he can count on me."

(Thanks to Steve Oglesby)
posted by judi 00:38

PENGUIN UPDATE

Where is Yeti when you need him?

(Thanks to Ted Habte-Gabr, Field Coordinator for the surging Dave Barry for President campaign juggernaut.)
posted by judi 00:19

ATTENTION, LADIES LOOKING FOR A MAN WITH A PLAN

Here he is.

(Thanks to Danelle Bowron)

posted by Dave 14:35

CREEPING FASCISM ALERT

What, there's something wrong with this?

(Thanks to M. Roizman)

posted by Dave 14:34

NEWS FLASH

From the UK.

(Key quote, from John Renshaw of the British Dental Association: "Patients are apprehensive and conscious, which just increases the pressure.")

(Thanks to Mark Allen Adams, Jr.)
posted by judi 14:21

FLORIDA VOTER REGISTRATION DRIVE

It won't be long now.

(Thanks to Jack Adler)
posted by judi 14:19

OH YEAH?

LilMoonGal writes "You won't believe this one!" Little does she know that the stealth bloggerette owns one.

(Thanks to whoever sent it to Dave, who oh-so-generously said I could have it. Eventually.)
posted by judi 14:05

ANOTHER HERCULES SIGHTING

He's everywhere.

(Thanks to Justin Barber)
posted by judi 13:45

GAMES PEOPLE PLAY

Sounds like ... fun?

(Thanks to COLLINS69S)
posted by judi 12:20

RESPONSIBLE TEENS?

At least they're recycling.

(Thanks to Thad Humphries)
posted by judi 11:57

HOWEVER

Only a guy would do this.

(Thanks to Michelle Tourigny)
posted by judi 11:54

MEN AREN'T THE ONLY ONES

More on the bad housekeeping front. And still more.

(Thanks to everyone)
posted by judi 11:53

TASTELESS LINK

In more ways than one.

Sorry.

(Thanks to Tavarishch from the message board)

posted by judi 11:40

IF THERE IS ONE THING THIS BLOG KNOWS FOR SURE

...it is that this blog is way too busy for this kind of foolishness.

posted by Dave 11:36

DANGER DANGER WILL ROBINSON

Don't take a shower.

(Thanks to CyberPossum)
posted by judi 11:33

TRAY KEWL

Does "swotty" means "spends 70,000 pounds on a cloakroom"? (Or does it mean "spent 15 minutes trying to figure out why the alt code for pound - 0163 - won't work on the blog"?) (edit: & # 163 ; equals £)

(Thanks to Chris Hathaway)
posted by judi 11:24

IS IT SOUP YET?

Hercules, NO!

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)
posted by judi 11:13

ATTENTION, GNOMES AND CERAMIC FROGS OF OREGON

You can rest easy once again.

KEY QUOTE: "Inside the house, Onchi found what he called a lawn-ornament 'chop shop.'"

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

posted by Dave 10:24

HERCULES THE LOBSTER VIDEO

Go here and scroll down to the video link.

Maybe some day Hercules will show up here, and the Great Cyle of Life will repeat.

posted by Dave 09:35

HERCULES THE LOBSTER UPDATE

He has landed in Maine.

posted by Dave 15:15

ADVISORY TO RESIDENTS OF MARION COUNTY, FLORIDA

Watch out.

Key quote: "She goes by the name 'Lil bit,' but she's anything but little."

posted by Dave 10:44