Wrestling Wrap Up: The Rock & Mick Foley on RAW!

As many, but maybe not all, of you know, I was unable to complete the Wrap Up last week. There were, like, meteorites and s***. But part of me was actually relieved because I always get into a mini-panic right before I start one of these columns and that anxiety doubles when nothing really newsworthy happens during a given week of pro-wrestling. And last week just happened to be one of those "not a damn thing happened" weeks. So I only managed to get out one page last week, but what a glorious page it was. Check out the Lost Wrap Up here!

Now I find myself crippled with an all-new concern each week when I find myself not readily knowing how in the hell I'm going to fit "Phone Dog" into the Wrap Up. I'd like to be able to tell you that it's a totally organic process, but if we're swigging sodium pentothal here then I have to admit that it's a rather meticulous process filled with hair loss, eye twitches and heart palpitations. But I think I've figured it out. I think. You, as always will be the judge, jury and sexecutioner.

I was driving home last night when the 3-hour RAW started up and a few people tweeted me that the show was kicking things off with an intolerable "GDYC"-worthy Cole segment that was probably analogous to my darkest nightmares. Here's the thing though. If a long, drawn-out Cole segment ends with Cole getting humiliated and pummeled then I don't really have a huge problem with it. All I really cared about was that JR managed to escape the whole thing mostly-unscathed. He didn't get attacked, or Ankle-locked or made to kiss someone's bare ass. That's that I was the most nervous about. Other than that it was just sort of business as usual. I do however think that the decision to start a big super-hyped show featuring the Rock and Mick Foley with a fifteen minute Michael Cole-a-thon was probably an idea that should have been put to death immediately.

By the way, my favorite part of that whole opening bit was when an "It's still real to me!" guy in the crowd got really upset when Cole revealed that the final competition would be a weigh-off. "I knew it!" the guy shouted. "It's not even fair!" No it wasn't. As much as it wasn't fair that JR didn't snap Cole's wrist like Goldblum did to that guy in The Fly

Warning: Goldblum totally snaps a guy's wrist much like JR didn't do to Cole.


And having a top-tier player like Punk come out and talk about what a waste of time the segment was doesn't mean that the WWE didn't decide to give you an awful, time-wasting segment. They basically made everyone endure hellfire and then had someone come out and say "man, that was terrible, but I'm here to put things right." They do this a lot. Having someone comment on how terrible a bit is doesn't mean that the WWE aren't the ones responsible for booking the s*** in the first place. Even with the Mick Foley/Cena "This Is Your Life Part II" thing last night. The fact that Cena kept calling it bad didn't give him "cred." It didn't pop him. It just means that creative knew the whole thing would suck and not go over well ahead of time and that Cena was acting like a plant. No, not like a philodendron. Like a "person or thing put into place in order to mislead or function secretly." It's all controlled demolition. So here's my unsolicited advice: If you're working on a segment that requires a participant to openly call the entire segment a "steaming plate of hot garbage," you might want to head back to the Pictionary board.

So yes, The Rock and Mick Foley were on RAW last night. I happen to think the bigger news was Foley's return since, well, The Rock's been back several times this year already. But The Rock is the bigger star for sure and last night he basically showed us all how much better he is in person, in the ring, than he is in a pre-taped video that he squeezes in while in the midst of a busy film shoot. I almost feel a bit bad for Foley because I think his time over in TNA actually hurt him. Saturated him. Nash too. And I don't feel as though modern day crowds are as receptive to Foley's mostly-enjoyable personality anymore. Granted, I also feel as though it was a big mistake to put him in a long bit with Cena when everyone really wanted to see him interact with The Rock. And having Foley endorse Cena, in Boston, was only going to hurt Foley. Because whereas Muppets pick you up and elevate you to new heights of epic, Cena will drag you down into the muck and mire and tarnish your legendary career.

Oh, before I sink too deep into the Wrap Up soup, I should give a shout out to good ol' IGN and the big WWE '12 livestream that's going down on Wednesday the 16th at noon PST. It's gonna be boss! Also, there will be prizes. And one of them just might be an old note that one of my teachers sent home to my parents telling them how awesome I was. I was valedictorian, you know.

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