;) or :) at the end of a sentence

;) or :) at the end of a sentence: which should I use, and how often?

First, you should use emoticons, as they are called, as liberally as possible, unless you are politically conservative, in which case you should use them frequently.

Each has a specific effect as supplemental (or as a replacement for) punctuation.

Let's compare and contrast, shall we?

I robbed a bank yesterday.

I robbed a bank yesterday :)

I robbed a bank yesterday ;)

The first is a frank admission of guilt, or a matter-of-fact description of one's accomplishments. Devoid of context, it is bland and unassuming. The second positively beams with pride.

The last, however, adds a pinch of flirtatiousness: If you're lucky, you just might end up a little richer. So, while :) is ambiguous, albeit friendly, ;) adds a hint of sauce. If you're going to employ it, be aware of this critical fact.

Also, I should note that for good reason, in academic writing, the use of emoticons is generally frowned upon. >:(





[165th in a series]

demons that attack the scalp

The following is written by guest blogger T. Richard "Rich" O'Dynia, a licensed scalp exorcist. Names have been removed to preserve privacy.



He entered my office sullenly and slumped in the chair. A young man of about twenty, he wore a black leather jacket and a Yankees cap pulled low. At first I thought it was to hide his eyes--as if to say, "I know I am wearing a Yankees cap, and am ashamed"--but then I saw the telltale tufts around his ears, the tiny flakes on his shoulders. Signs of a man with scalp trouble.

Demonic scalp trouble, it turned out.

He had been flirting with the occult--more specifically, a cute clerk at a game store called Wizards of Wisconsin. She lured him into a den of role-playing demonic influences, and within weeks, the formerly goldy-locked, confident college student was a wreck, a dandruff-ridden, balding chump.

He tried specialty shampoos and scalp treatments to no avail. He might have been lost forever to the darkness, but, by coincidence--divine coincidence, you can be sure--he saw my business card in the win-a-free-lunch jar of the Applebee's where he worked.

Before I continue his tale of possession and redemption, let me share a word about spiritual warfare. You have to understand that malevolent spirits, or demons, try constantly to crack the defenses of the soul. Sometimes they use the direct approach, assaulting the mind while it slumbers. For instance, last week I counseled a young woman who dreamed that Ashton Kutcher was able to travel in time and attempt to undo the mistakes of the past, ironically only making them worse, something to do with chaos theory or somesuch. It was an horrific nightmare, and I am still shaking from merely recounting it here secondhand.

In other cases, when the direct approach fails, demons assault the body, hoping to destroy one's dignity. Scalp demons are like this: demons of dandruff, demons of dermatitis, demons of head lice, demons of the combover.

No Hair Club for Men can stop scalp demons. No shampoo or medical treatment can blunt their spiritual attack. Instead, the victim must visit a professionally trained and spiritually ordained scalp exorcist, a person who is prepared and licensed through Vatican correspondence courses and a lengthy internship.

So, what became of our demon-haunted lad? After five arduous hours of exorcism and a weeklong fast, I am happy to report that the spirits were banished, and his scalp returned to its former glow. Gone are the tufts and flakes of tragedy and failure, replaced with the golden locks of God's grace.

But every day I continue to pray for him. He still roots for the Yankees.





[164th in a series]

critics of your baby can read

Critics of your baby can read.

In fact, they enjoy reading. You might call them avid readers, in the way your baby is an avid pooper.

They love to scour blog gossip about how your baby babbles like Yoda on a bender, or how your baby smells like Cheetos, or how your baby crawls wrong, or how your baby can't stand those mini Mozart CDs, preferring Iggy Pop (it's just a phase) or Ziggy Stardust (keep telling yourself it's just a phase). Critics of your baby are on MySpace and Facebook and Twitter, spreading malicious rumors about the tooth marks on the coffee table, or the spitup chunks on the wedding photos, or the drool stains on the Wii.

Yeah, they can read all right.

Some of the old-school critics still read the newspaper--you know, the thing with messy newsprint and letters to the editor and the Irascible Curmudgeon Column. Today, the Irascible Curmudgeon aims his ire at your baby's tendency to shriek at the airport television whenever the Irascible Curmudgeon is trying to watch Mad Money. Also, your baby ralphed on the in-flight magazine crossword, which was half solved.

Your baby's most dedicated critic--antiquities scholar F. Preston Venable III, of Drake University--has gone half-mad searching for the perfect Old English phrase with which to insult your baby. He can read in six languages, five of them extinct.

Critics of your baby can most definitely read.

But don't worry. Your baby can read critics, too. And as soon as she attains the motor skills needed to handle a keyboard, her critics will pay.




[163rd in a series]

what is today's style?

Today's style is nerd chic.

Slender jeans, V-neck sweaters, collared shirts, sexy-but-smart (or smart-but-sexy) spectacles, electronic accessories of all stripes, dress-casual shoes. (A DNA tattoo? That's just taking it too far.)

It feels good to be a nerd.






[162nd in a series]

random things that drunks ask

1. You gonna finish those fries?
2. Are you laughing as much as I'm laughing?
3. What happened to my goldfish food?
4. What's that smell?
5. Is that me?
6. Which way to the bathroom?
7. What's this genie doing in my beer bottle?
8. Who won the World Series tomorrow?
9. Why does this taste like grass?
10. Is Jesus in the phone book?
11. How much you want for those shoelaces?
12. Is this a split infinitive or a dangling modifier?
13. Whatever happened to Circuit City?
14. Really, man, which way to the bathroom?
15. Why does this toilet paper package have a puppy on it?
16. Did you see that?
17. Is it hot in here, or is... the thermostat... me... ... ?
18. What was the name of that one hot girl who sat behind me in choir class, you know, in high school?
19. ?!
20. Will Dr. Phil and Oprah ever get back together?
21. When did it stop raining?
22. Could you hold this while I try on a cape?
23. Have you seen my escargot?
24. Do you ever get the feeling that we're all like insects in some gigantic terrarium?
25. Who did your tiling?


[161st in a series]

questions people ask about calcium

1. Am I getting enough calcium in my diet soda?
2. Does calcium play a role in global warming?
3. What pop songs mention calcium?
4. What is the Japanese word for calcium deposits on your gums?
5. Does the IRS offer a calcium tax deduction?
6. How many people work on a calcium ranch?
7. Is my region threatened by the rise in calcium-related violence?
8. Will calcium increase in value in the fiscal quarter?
9. Who loves calcium more: Democrats or Republicans?
10. Calcium: overrated?




[160th in a series]

rhymes to remember the twelve disciples

Sometimes it's easier to remember things that rhyme. Especially important things. (That's why the Pledge of Allegiance is a Shakespearean sonnet, and the Constitution can be sung to the theme of "Green Acres." Never, ever doubt the wisdom of the Founding Fathers.)

So, on to the rhyming list of 12 disciples.


First comes Simon Peter, the Jewish Derek Jeter.
Then follows Andrew, sipping on a tan brew.
James is third. He's the Gospels' biggest nerd.
After him, John, nicknamed "The Leprechaun."
Can't miss Philip, a fan of Pat McKillip.
Sixth is Bartholomew, who waves to wish you all adieu.
Next comes Thomas (as foretold by Nostradamus).
Eighth: James Alphaeus, driving a Prius.
Ninth is Thaddeus. His frown shows how mad he is.
Simon the Cananean brings a jar to keep his brie in.
(Judas Iscariot refuses to carry it.)
Last comes Paul, obsessed with The Fall. (You get half credit if you shouted out "Saul.")




[159th in a series.]

hard questions to ask a girl

Anyone can ask easy questions. But you want tough questions, questions that will dazzle your date.

Each question will be rated from 1-10, 1 being easiest. Context will be provided as well, so you can employ the question at the right time.

For ultimate success, practice! Try these on someone you know and trust.


Question: What are the last four digits of your social security number?
Difficulty: 2
Context: Opener.


Question: When eating broccoli, it okay to stick with just the florets?
Difficulty: 4
Context: Opener.


Question: What's your take on the whole "dark matter / dark energy" controversy?
Difficulty: 4
Context: Opener. If she offers any kind of answer other than "huh?" she's a keeper.


Question: Should people be held morally responsible for their avatars' behavior?
Difficulty: 5
Context: Raise this query anytime between first meeting online and first meeting in person.


Question: Do you feel lucky? Well, do you, punk?
Difficulty: 5
Context: When s/he opens the door.


Question: Will bees survive the menace of Colony Collapse Disorder?
Difficulty: 6
Context: As you hand over the flowers.


Question: Do mathematical truths exist on their own ontological plane?
Difficulty: 7
Context: On the way to the restaurant. Mind you, only if you're driving. You wouldn't want the distraction otherwise.


Question: If we perchance should breed, and our children turn out rotten, should we mostly blame our bad genetic combination or our poor parenting skills?
Difficulty: 9
Context: Wait until dessert.


[158th in a series]

why do people ask random questions?

Why do people ask random questions? I initially thought of answering this question in my trademark, tongue-in-cheek style, but then I realized that people deserve to know why randomness is so darn interesting. (Consider, for example, Slate's attempt to figure out the origin of the "25 random things about me" meme.)

Random questions are primarily social in nature. They can...

1. Impress the asked with the cleverness of the asker.
Probably their primary purpose, if we're honest. Random questions are spiritually akin to the pick-up line.

2. Fill awkward gaps in conversation.
This is the reason we use to convince ourselves or others that #1 isn't our true motivation.

3. Open up new spaces for seeing another's personality.
It's not all about narcissism. Random questions are a kind of cultural shorthand for the new millennium. Their popularity springs from the ubiquity of instant conversation, whether in chat rooms or on social networking websites. They're used as icebreakers on dating / match sites, as introductions to profiles on blogs.

4. Be used as an evaluative tool by potential employers.
Job interviewers like to mix in a random question from time to time, combining the purposes of #1 and #3 above. The interviewer wants to know whether the applicant is creative, thinks quickly on her feet, and has an interesting personality. For example, if you were to be asked, "If you could be any insect, which would you choose?" there's no right or wrong insect. (Okay, "cockroach" is probably wrong.) Whether you wish you could be a cicada or a mantis, the point of the question is for you to create a meaningful response out of the randomness. Good answer: "An ant, because I believe in tirelessly working together with my colleagues to increase profits." Bad answer: "A bark beetle, 'cause I hate trees."

Bust writer's block.
Answering a random question is sometimes the way out of the slough of despair. For a greater challenge, try writing your own truly random questions. It's not easy.

Facilitate learning.
I use random questions for speech or essay or discussion prompts. The process of merely creating the questions, whether individually or collectively, can itself be educational.

Be used in field sobriety tests.
Just kidding. Sort of.



[157th in series]

why do Cold Stone employees sing?

1. Because.

2. Because they have to.

3. Because they want to.

4. Because they love to.

5. Because they are inspired.

6. Because they are demon-possessed.

7. Because they are infected with a musical virus.

8. Because they know that every time a creamster sings, an angel gets its wings.

9. Because they fear that if they stop singing, their souls slowly shrivel and die.

10. Because they hope to precipitate the collapse of the walls, Jericho-like, and march outside into sunlight and freedom, singing all the while, sparking a revolution among the permanent underclass of wage-slaves forced to quite literally sing for their measly supper, until all bound by the shackles of corporate hegemony are united as one in the cause of freedom, equality, justice, and rich buttercream.




[156th in a series]

asking Americans questions about Canada

The following six questions provide an easy way to gauge an American's knowledge of Canada. Any American who gets more than five right is a Canadian ex-pat.

(You'll have to do your own research for the answers, eh.)

1. What's the largest state in Canada?
2. Who's the president of Canada?
3. Which is worth more: the American dollar, or the Canadian pound?
4. True or False: Canada's national anthem is "Take Off."
5. Fill in the blank: French fries, Belgian waffles, Canadian ____________.
6. How many centimeters are in a metric tonne?




[155th in a series]

the most important philosophers for Lincoln-Douglas debate

When it comes to Lincoln-Douglas debate, everyone knows you should know a little philosophy--okay, more than a little, a lot--but time is precious. How should you focus your energy and effort?

I've arranged groups of philosophers by their potential usefulness to you. The "basic study" group, for example, is composed of the philosophers you are most likely to hear cited in a round. (I almost wrote "encounter," but realized that the more literal-minded members of my audience might have found such language confusing instead of humorous.)

Warning: the following list is based on practicality, not any Platonic standard of LD-oughtness. Also, the list is provisional--a work in progress. I've almost certainly missed somebody important. Suggest names in the comments, and I'll add them.

Last, if you don't know it already, the Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy is a great place to meet--encounter--read about many of these philosophers. Check it out.

The Basics

Plato on justice, rights, and the ideal State (hint: not a democracy)
Aristotle on justice, rights, and democracy
Hobbes on the Social Contract, especially regarding sovereignty, punishment, and the State of Nature
Locke on the Social Contract (but understand his foundations in empirical knowledge and natural theology, which grounds rights)
Rousseau on the Social Contract
Kant on rights, duties, and his formulation of morality encompassing both, The Categorical Imperative
Mill on democracy, utility, free speech, and the Harm Principle
Marx on justice, equality, societal values, revolution, and more
Rawls on a new, pluralist approach to the Social Contract and "justice as fairness," including the Original Position / Veil of Ignorance, the First and Second principle of Justice, democracy, neo-Kantianism
Maslow on value, especially his Hierarchy of Needs

Advanced Study

de Beauvoir on ethics and gender
Berlin on ethics (especially pluralism) and politics
Dewey on moral and political pragmatism and democracy
Hayek on freedom
Hegel on Hegel
Hume on the Social Contract
Arendt on democracy and totalitarianism
Dworkin on morality and law
Dahl on democracy
Schumpeter on democracy
Kierkegaard on reason
Aquinas on Natural Law and Just War Theory
Popper on anti-Platonism
Sartre on freedom and ethics
Habermas on democracy and deliberation
Nozick (especially against Rawls) on rights, freedom, and the Social Contract
Foucault on rights and justice (especially concerning criminality and punishment)
Beccaria on criminal justice and punishment
Bentham on Utilitarianism
Rand on Objectivism, especially as it concerns morality and freedom
Added: Josh's List

Kritik Central

Adorno on critiquing the West
Baudrillard on... good luck.
Derrida on deconstruction
Gadamer on hermeneutics
Levinas on ethics and the Other
Nietzsche on anything
Rorty on pragmatism and democracy


[154th in a series]

10 worst questions to ask a girl

1. Is that a mole?
2. Are you pregnant?
3. Wanna see my scar?
4. Why do they call them "Fruit of the Loom?"
5. So, are you seeing anyone?
6. Could you pass the Funyuns?
7. Why are you crying?
8. Could you please pass the Funyuns?
9. Hypothetically, if I told you that you have beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
10. What's your name again?




[153rd in a series]

No Country for Old Men: the condensed version

An excerpt found here, courtesy of yours truly. (Oh, and it's a musical.)

And the error message by Kybard: perfect. I thought it was #1.


[152nd in a series]

good questions to ask drunk people

1. What are you doing on my lawn?
2. Trix or Kix?
3. Where are your clothes?
4. Do you want fries with that?
5. Any way out of this Iraq mess?
6. Do you know any other songs?
7. Why are you asking if I'm seeing double?
8. When Jesus makes toast, whose face appears?
9. Why are you crying?
10. So, how about that extended warranty?
11. They injected you with what, where?
12. What are you still doing on my lawn?



[151st in a series]

is being in the spelling bee nerdy?

No. Not at all. Not in the very least. No, no, and no.

Negative. N-E-G-A-you know the rest.

In fact, surveys show that spelling bee participants are rated among the least nerdy members of our society, right up there with movie stars, professional athletes, and supermodels. They are revered and respected. They are admired and imitated. They are beatified and bedecked. They receive their nation's highest plaudits and prizes. Most of all, they are loved.

Unsure? Just look at me.

That's right. You should join up. And you will.

Because you're cool.

Spelling Bee cool.



[150th in a series]

weird questions to ask about Jesus

1. What are the most-played indy rock songs on Jesus's iPod?
2. When Jesus gets a phone call, does he say, "I'm sorry, you must be looking for the Jesus in Santa Monica?"
3. Could you imagine Jesus at a day spa?
4. Does Jesus ever get tired of people seeing him at the airport and bugging him for autographs?
5. How long does it take Jesus to finish the Sunday Times crossword?
6. Would Jesus prefer Survivorman or Man vs. Wild?
7. Has Jesus ever considered shaving off the beard?
8. When Jesus plays golf, does he ever intentionally lose?
9. Does Jesus's Camry have one of those fish on it?
10. When is Jesus going to return his overdue books?




[149th in a series]

original questions to ask people

Tired of those pre-packaged lists of random questions? Want to become a tailor of talk, spinning surprising questions out of thin air, seamlessly weaving them into the conversation? Look no further, friend. You've hit up on a list of 15 original questions that, until now, have never been asked. Not ever.

Originality verified by Google. Check for yourself.

1. If Teddy Roosevelt were resurrected tomorrow, would voters be able see past the distracting supernaturalism for the wonder that would be the 21st century Bull Moose Party?
2. Have you ever woken up whistling?
3. Bastard toadflax or creosote bush?
4. What is the longest you've ever had the hiccups?
5. Which superpower could you live without?
6. Are "comeback tours" evidence in favor of euthanasia?
7. If your name anagrammed to "Turd Pan Mold," would you have it legally changed?
8. Which streets are being taken back, exactly?
9. Which Sesame Street character best represents these turbulent times?
10. Do these jeans make me look hip?
11. What's your take on the whole "dark energy" dispute?
12. To keep the stars on the U.S. flag nice and even, which state should be traded for Puerto Rico?
13. How long until farthingales return to popularity?
14. If you could eliminate one random question, which would you choose?
15. Kickboxers or kickbriefs?



[148th in a series]

where does Thursday come after Friday?

In the dictionary.





Gosh, that was easy.



[147th in a series]

random questions to ask a girl

Somehow I have become one of the world's foremost authorities on random questions, which obligates me to help searchers improve their conversations with a jolt of the unforeseen. So, for those seeking to impress and entice, here is a list of 30 random questions to ask a girl.

1. What's your name?
2. Who's your daddy?
3. Is he rich like me?
4. What's the frequency, Kenneth?
5. How can I convince you it's me I don't like?
6. How long?
7. How long must we sing this song?
8. How long?
9. How does it feel like to wake up in the sun?
10. How does it feel like to shine on everyone?
11. Who's going to throw the very first stone?
12. Who's going to reset the bone?
13. All the lonely people: where do they all come from?
14. All the lonely people: where do they all belong?
15. When you sleep, where do your fingers go?
16. What do your fingers know?
17. What do your fingers show?
18. Is this love, or should I close the door?
19. How do you afford your rock-and-roll lifestyle?
20. Can't you hear those cavalry drums?
21. Ain't it hard, ain't it hard to want somebody who doesn't want you?
22. Hello, hello, hello, how low?
23. Am I your fire?
24. What's cooler than bein' cool?
25. How you gonna win when you ain't right within?
26. How will I ever get to heaven now?
27. Am I too dumb to refine?
28. Why can't this crazy love be mine?
29. We talked all night, oh, but what the hell did we say?
30. Why wouldn't you waste the afterlife?



[146th in a series]