Fort Worth Forklift DWI

It is with deep regret that I must inform any of you that may happen know The Whited Sepulchre. When I turned on FoxNews this morning, I was shocked to see a shirtless TWS, slugging down Shiners while operating a stolen forklift in a low speed chase with Fort Worth Police yesterday.

During the whole ordeal, both police and witnesses say the suspect, [The Whited Sepulchre] of Fort Worth, was drinking beer and throwing the empties at passing vehicles. He was also said to have been cursing and mumbling something about President Obama, "hope" and "change" over and over as he had the pedal to the floor, doing a whopping 6mph in and out of traffic.

I was flabberghasted when I heard this part. Usually he's a mellow dude when he drinks. I wonder if someone slipped him a Mickey? Was he drinking on an empty stomach? Was he just fed up with this asshole TOTUS? Only TWS knows the answers to that. I was really blown away when I read this next part. It's so unlike TWS I still really cannot believe it.

"He would chug a beer and throw it back at the police officers," Lowery said. "Just veer left and right, left and right. Then he would yell at the top of his lungs, 'how do you like that hope and change now, assholes?' like he was high on glue or keyboard cleaner."

Now that I can believe! He has been known to have a dislike for law enforcement agencies that constantly abuse their power, but I never thought it would come to this. I know the Libertarian types are always mellow and rarely lose control. In fact, it's practically non-existant. I guess he must have finally snapped!

At one point, [TWS] jumped off the forklift, taunted police with obscene gestures and jumped back on the vehicle. Fort Worth police said an officer tried to hit [TWS] with a Taser but missed. TWS just laughed at the top of his lungs and fired back, "Is that all you got? You're Tazing skills are below rookie level, at best! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

That's because The Whited Sepulchre has cat-like, no..... ninja-like reflexes. That douchebag from The Matrix ain't got shit on TWS. Neither did the police officers in this case. Not even close.

[TWS] faces several charges, including the theft of the forklift, aggravated assault and felony DWI, because he has two prior DWIs according to police. Fort Worth police also found a car registered to [TWS] abandoned on the freeway near where the chase came to an end.

I wasn't aware that TWS had two priors. The judge is probably gonna throw the book at him for his third. Depending on his blood/alcohol levels he might have to do a little 3-month stint in County, and that's going to hurt big time in the bank account.

I'm thinking about starting up a PayPal account so I can solicit donations for his bail money, fines, 18 months of DUI class, weekly meetings at M.A.D.D., to get his car out of impound, and to get him a keg of Shiner just because it's the right thing to do. Keep your eyes out for that in the next couple days. Please just donate what you feel comfortable with. No one expects a full paycheck donation, but don't be a cheap bastard either.

The next few months are going to be really rough for TWS. I don't think he'll be able to blog from his 2x2x8 cell, so if you get the chance, wish him the best and give him some words of encouragement on his blog. It will only take a few moments of your time, and he could really use some support right now.*

Hang in there, buddy!









*DISCLAIMER: This post is total and complete 100% bullshit! Yes, 100% bullshit! This in no was was intended to cast a negative light on TWS. If you are a member of M.A.D.D. reading this, you can relax. I'm sure TWS is as sober as a judge when he steals his forklifts. And just so you know, I am a member of D.A.M.M. (Drunks Against Mad Mothers). I remember TWS telling me that he lives in Fort Worth, so I immediately thought of him when I saw this on the news. I had a couple hours to fuck around before the boss got in today, so I fabricated this bullshit story for my entertainment at TWS's expense. For that, I am guilty and will accept any retaliation that may come my way. Cheers, TWS!

Breaking News!

This just in...
Obama reversed the recession! Obama reversed the recession! Obama reversed the recession!



And coming up at the bottom of the hour:
Campaigning on the tax payer's dime, lying to America's face, and more theatrics on the Obama Bus Tour 2011. Stay tuned....

I Fixed It

I really wasn't in the mood to type for FOD. So...I fixed Paul's picture.

Think you're having a shitty day?

Ronald is always there for you. ROFL!

America's Finest Niggers VII

Niggering in DC.



Sad. All over the news. Every day. Niggers fucking shit up. What's the end game?

Don't mess with Texas?

Rick Perry threw his hat in the ring but I'm on the fence. I like Governor Perry, but I also know a few things about politics. He has two problems facing him.

1) Most people don't realize that George W. Bush was born in Connecticut and connect Bush with the State of Texas because he has resided in the state for many years and is a former governor (I voted for Ann Richards fuck Bush). Furthermore, a strong proportion of our society still blames Bush for the mess we're in today. While there is no longer any merit to that argument, we can all blame Bush for Obama. After all, were it not for Richard Nixon, we would have never elected Carter and we all saw how that worked out. But I digress. The Commiecrats and their pals in the media will align Perry with Bush and that will be a tough battle. I can see it now, "Do you really want a third Bush term?" Trust me. That's the spin, and it could work. It defeated John McCain. It also defeated Dino Rossi for the Washington State Governorship and that's how we ended up with the magnificent cunt that is Christine Gregoire.

2) The State of Texas has I think something like a $28 billion budget deficit. Furthermore, of all the jobs created in the United States last year, half were located in Texas, which makes the budget deficit look even worse. Perry has a lot of explaining to do considering he has been the governor since 2000. And that's a significant tenure because Texas has had 46 governors since statehood in 1845. That means the average governor has served 3.6 years. So Perry has been at the helm for a long time. The November 2010 elections proved that Americans are fucking fed up with how out of control our fiscal situation is. Perry's foes will align him with Texas' budget deficit knowing that this is a hot topic with voters. This is exactly how Romney will be defeated for the Republican nomination. Remember, Romney was governor when Taxachusetts implemented their Socialist health care system (aka RomneyCare). Not good. If I were running against Perry, I would use the fiscal mismanagement strategy, and I promise you this topic will come up during the campaign. Texas has a nasty budget deficit, and Rick Perry is the governor.

Finally, and this may not be fair, but Texas does not have a good track record with regards to US Presidents. Dwight D. Eisenhower is the obvious exception. But Lyndon B. Johnson was a fucking douchebag and a Socialist pig. I have always believed that he was behind the John F. Kennedy assassination. He also ushered in his Great fucking Society which is partly responsible for the welfare mentality we are suffering from today. I spit on LBJ freeway in Dallas every time I drive on it (which I haven't in a long time now). Lyndon Johnson joins Jimmy Carter and Woodrow Wilson and soon Barack Obama in the "Wow We Fucking Suck" club. Again, George W. was born in Connecticut and George H. W. in Massachusetts but many associate both men with the State of Texas, and that's unfortunate. History will not be kind to either men.

Can Rick Perry survive the Texas label stamped squarely on his forehead? We'll see.

I Couldn't Have Said It Better Myself

A Texan's Answer To Welfare

This was in the Waco Tribune Herald, Waco , TX Nov 18, 2010 Put me in charge . . . Put me in charge of food stamps. I'd get rid of Lone Star cards; no cash for Ding Dongs or Ho Ho's, just money for 50-pound bags of rice and beans, blocks of cheese and all the powdered milk you can haul away. If you want steak and frozen pizza, then get a job. Put me in charge of Medicaid. The first thing I'd do is to get women Norplant birth control implants or tubal ligations. Then, we'll test recipients for drugs, alcohol, and nicotine and document all tattoos and piercings. If you want to reproduce or use drugs, alcohol, smoke or get tats and piercings, then get a job. Put me in charge of government housing. Ever live in a military barracks?  You will maintain our property in a clean and good state of repair. Your "home" will be subject to inspections anytime and possessions will be inventoried. If you want a plasma TV or X-box 360, then get a job and your own place. In addition, you will either present a check stub from a job each week or you will report to a "government" job. It may be cleaning the roadways of trash, painting and repairing public housing, whatever we find for you. We will sell your 22 inch rims and low profile tires and your blasting stereo and speakers and put that money toward the “common good.” Before you write that I've violated someone's rights, realize that all of the above is voluntary. If you want our money, accept our rules.. Before you say that this would be "demeaning" and ruin their "self esteem," consider that it wasn't that long ago that taking someone else's money for doing absolutely nothing was demeaning and lowered self esteem. If we are expected to pay for other people's mistakes we should at least attempt to make them learn from their bad choices. The current system rewards them for continuing to make bad choices. AND While you are on Government subsistence, you no longer can VOTE! Yes that is correct. For you to vote would be a conflict of interest. You will voluntarily remove yourself from voting while you are receiving a Government welfare check. If you want to vote, then get a job.

Batting Practice

Too fuckin' cool!

Honed Out

Getting a little wallowed out there Bawney?

It's Zombie Killing Time

I've always been a huge fan of the Zombie flicks from the first time I remember seeing one. There's just something cool about killing freaks that are already dead. Kinda gives one a sense of power and super hero strength. Especially with a nice clean head shot! I love it. As a teenager my favorites were the ones most recognized; the original Dawn of the Dead, Night of the Living Dead, Day of the Dead, Return of the Living Dead, and the hilarious remake of Dawn of the Dead in 2004, which I really should own on DVD because the entertainment value of it gets a solid "10" from me. I haven't seen the DOTD remake in a while, but I remember leaving the theater not knowing if what I had just watched was supposed to be a horror movie, a thriller or a comedy. I probably laughed harder in those two hours than I do when watching another dumbass liberal struggle to come up with anything close to resembling a fact in a political debate. I even laughed harder than when I saw the long face of Ketchup Boy followed by little Haircut Boy on the verge of total crybaby breakdown when they had to concede that Dubya/Cheney kicked their asses in '08. And let me tell you, I laughed so hard that day my stomach still hurts. That's one of those moments I could relive again and again. After seeing those two pictures from the 2004 GOC Archives, I'm laughing just as hard right now. BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

But this is about zombies and the killing of zombies. Something I've only dreamed of being able to do for all these years. Until now, that is. The other night while up late drinking beer and looking to spend some money, I came across Zombie Industries via Atlantic Firearms. I liked what I saw right away, so I planted my feet there for a while and checked out some of their products. If I would've perused their site a little more before throwing down the Visa, I probably would've spent five times as much as I did. Lucky for me, I wasn't so drunk that I was Donald fucking Trump in my mind that night. Drunk online shopping can be dangerous sometimes. Really dangerous.

In less than five minutes I had some shit in my cart and was on my way to checkout. Usually when I'm hammered I sit there and ponder for a while if I really need what I'm buying and most of the time I cancel before the damage is done. This time? Nope! I liked what I had in my shopping cart, and I was pretty fucking confident that it was something that I needed! So I pulled the trigger and instantly had that gratifying sound of an "Order Confirmed" email in my inbox. I love that in-and-out shopping. No traffic, no crowds, no problems. And I can drink while I'm shopping without the pimple-faced rent-a-cop at the mall hassling me about "open container" and "illegal" or "the police have been called" and all of that shit he's usually barking at me.

So I picked up the Chris Bleeding Target and a Sampler Exploding Targets Case, shipped to my front door FEDEX Ground for a little under $200.00. Not bad for a drunken purchase. I've done worse that's for sure. I didn't know what to expect from CHRIS, but I've shot the exploding targets before and I thought they were pretty cool. Definitely worth what they cost as far as I'm concerned. Both items showed up via FEDEX about 5 minutes after I got home from work tonight and that made me happy. I love getting presents in the mail. Now I have a little over three weeks of my own impatience to put up with until our trip to the desert Labor Day weekend. The construction of Chris was a little different than what I imagined. Cheese comes to mind. The torso is made of a thin plastic form, the backing is made of cardboard, and in the middle is probably a couple hundred paintballs for the blood. I didn't expect Myth Busters quality forensics gel like they always use, but I expected something a little higher quality for what I paid. Zombie Industries claims he'll take up to 1,000+ rounds of various calibers. Yeah, we'll see about that Labor Day weekend fellas. Well see about that. I bet he doesn't last 100 rounds, but I'll play fair. 7.62 x 39, 5.56, 30-06, and 7.62 x 54 will be the soup de jour from a few hundred yards. Maybe some close range .45ACP and .22LR will be on the menu as well. I would say that's various calibers wouldn't you? After he bleeds out, I'm going to place one of the 1/2 lb Exploding Targets in his skull for the final nail in the bastard's coffin. I imagine after that, he'll be nothing but coyote kibble.

I didn't see the Osama model or I would've bought that for sure. Killing a zombie would be cool. Killing a stinkbeard terrorist goat-fucker would be even better. But a zombie stinkbeard terrorist goat-fucker? That's damn near back-flip worthy. I missed out on a pretty good two-fer this time, but if Chris can take the punishment that I plan on dishing out, I will be back to buy more. A few days ago I emailed a friend of mine the link to the targets and he called me right away and told me that he does the graphics for Zombie Industries. They're in Poway, about 30 minutes from my house. If I would've known that, I wouldn't have ordered through Atlantic Firearms. All they did was drop-ship Chris to me, and I paid full shipping like it came all the way from Mary-fucking-land. Maybe next time I'll ask my buddy to see if he can hook up a target 6-pack deal or something like that. Or at least maybe I'll be able to buy direct.

Stay tuned for my review, with photos and possibly video of Chris's execution a few days after the holiday weekend.

Here's Chris and me. He's not such a bad zombie when he's stoned like in this candid shot of us partying on the patio, but when his stash is gone, he is a real prick until he re-up's. I wonder if that's where the phrase "stoned like a zombie" came from?






And this is the little 1/2 lb. exploder that will be surgically planted in Chris' skull for the grand finale'.



Every time I think about how great it would be to call Open Season on all zombies across the U.S. from sea to shining sea, I can't help but think of this classic clip that works as a perfect metaphor to end this post.

His Lips Are Moving

So Caliph CoonCracker is spouting his bullshit again. I would rather listen to cats fuck. Good thing I was prepared.

FOD: The Obama Years

A 78 square foot apartment, and at only $800 a month! What a steal. Plus you get to share the bathroom with three other people! That sounds fun. And there is no kitchen, so there are never any dirty dishes. You can eat microwaved eggs all the time



Welcome to the Obama years folks. Higher interest rates, food prices out of control, gas prices stuck at over $3.50 and 78 sq ft. apartments closets.