John Tavares and Michael Grabner took the National media by storm on September 8^th at the NHL Media Tour. Journalists from ESPN, Sports Illustrated, the New York Times and USA Today took over conference rooms throughout the NHL’s midtown offices to interview top players from around the league. Beyond straight interviews, the players faced a gauntlet of photo shoots, VIP meet-and-greets and video shoots.

As the day went along, the guys went from thoughtful and insightful in the morning, to in-need-of-a-nap by lunch, to slightly delirious in the late afternoon. The accompanying filmstrip should make it pretty clear that “Sports Illustrated Photo Shoot” was the last stop on Day 1. Give the boys some credit – they did better than most upon being advised to “act wacky” and “make faces” in the carnival-style photo booth. It’s a tough situation – almost like being put in front of a video camera without a script and being told to “be funny” (Oh wait, that happened too, at the NHL store).

Lunch with the boys was eye-opening. I’d been spoiled by an offseason at the office, where a salad for lunch makes you a health-nut to your pizza/burrito-eating coworkers. In the city, we all had salad, but JT chirped me for “treating myself” with a low-fat dressing (he’d opted for non-fat).  Grabner made me feel better; he paralleled JT’s bottled water and bushel of grapes with a soda and brownies. It must be tough to have to work that hard to keep your weight above 150.

Grabs’ new tattoo was sore throughout the tour – turns out his jersey wasn’t as soft as he’d hoped. The lengthy script on his chest reads “He who fears being conquered is sure of defeat.” I couldn’t resist asking what he thought his Director of Communications, Kimber, should get across his chest. He suggested “nap time” or “pretend to work.” I was too embarrassed to show him my “Gremlin for Calder” chest tattoo (too soon?).

With season-preview deadlines right around the corner for most publications, player interview requests have been pouring in this week.

In catching up with about 10 Islanders over the past few days, it’s been brought to my attention that they think my offseason consists of:

1.       Perfecting my lean against the hallway wall outside the locker room (My perch for the three hours leading up to every game).

2.       Increasing my speed/efficiency in handing out game stats and notes (What if I lick two fingers instead of just the index?)

3.       Coming up with a walkie-talkie code name (I’m still split between Night-Hawk and 2pacalypse)

4.       Devising new excuses to spend more time in the team shower (You know what? The more time I spend in there, the less time you’re standing around the locker room waiting to be interviewed. You get on with your night, get iced, get showered, and I’ll pull you when we need you. Also – sometimes I need a good steam).

5.       Reviewing our pregame menu with celebrity chefs (If I have any say in it, everything will be deep-fried and/or a la mode).

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Meanwhile, their offseasons consist mainly of

1.       Working out

2.       Golf

3.       Assuming the media guide and yearbook write themselves while the Islanders office is closed for four months

“No-touch icing” and “3-on-3 overtime” are so 2010 Research and Development camp.

What have you got for me in 2011, Shanny?

Here’s what I’m thinking…

1. If a shootout is tied after three rounds, the winner will be decided by a fastest skater competition (go-grabs-go)

2. Scrap the “instigating with a visor” penalty. In fact, if a player with a visor goes after someone without one, let’s put the visor-less player in the box

3. No offsides in overtime (cherry-pick your heart out)

4. If a shootout is tied after three rounds, the goalies choose which skaters from the opposing team they’ll face in the sudden-death rounds

5. Every player gets one stick per game - if it breaks, use a teammate’s

Blake Comeau’s signing on Tuesday conformed to a recent trend in the NHL that’s seen arbitration-bound players and their clubs agree to a deal prior to the hearing. The widely-accepted explanation for the trend is that the player-team relationship takes a pretty big hit after the sides present their competing cases to an arbiter.

Another reason negotiations tend to progress as the hearing date approaches is that each party spends countless hours becoming an expert on the player’s value. Both sides spend weeks trying to evaluate the player’s worth compared to similar players around the league. And if you think they’re just looking at goals, assists and points, you’re kidding yourself. When you let legal minds play with six years worth of hockey statistics, they come up with rankings, indicators and equations that would make a fantasy sports player drool.

Leading up to the hearing, both parties are provided with copies of one-another’s textbook-sized briefs.  Once all of the tables, graphs and arguments are collected, it doesn’t always take an arbiter to judge the strength of each argument and pick a number somewhere in the middle of the competing asking prices.

While the infrequency with which these cases make it to hearing can make a request for arbitration seem like an empty threat, in fact, the tireless research and communication between the two parties in preparing for such a hearing is crucial to the eventual contract agreement - at least that’s what I’m telling myself, in order to avoid feeling like all of that work is for nothing. (You know the feeling of quitting a program without saving your work? This would be more like getting an entire hard drive wiped, days before your appointment to back up your computer.)

Anyway, we got our 24-goal scorer back for another year - feelings intact.

You’ll just have to trust me when I tell you that it’s entirely coincidental that my last official correspondence (be it a tweet or the post) coincided seamlessly with my trip to Vegas for the NHL Awards Show. I was kept out of the office and the locker room for the past few weeks due to injury (again – completely unrelated to Sin City), but my time off (which I’m trying to think of as a vacation, in which I could not go anywhere or do anything) gave me ample opportunity to take notice of a few nice storylines that are taking shape on the Island.

In Motts We Trust – Mike Mottau’s return to the ice after a serious eye injury (not to mention, hip surgery), along with his penchants for “Motts Applesauce” related nicknames should be reason enough for the Bostonian to become a fan favorite on Long Island, but his recent “face-of-the-team” appearances at “Vote Yes” press conferences and his role in attracting free agent Marty Reasoner to the club should seal the deal. Anyone who’s played with Mike will tell you there isn’t a nicer guy on the team, and I think he’s a sleeper to where an “A” this year. Mottau’s 20 games last season were too small a sample for fans to accurately judge his game (the same can be said for Mark Eaton’s 34 games) and this year he’ll be out to prove that his three previous seasons of at least 76 games played were no fluke. Off the ice, if he’s interested in creating a “Bailey’s Buddies” type of program, he won’t do better for a name than the applesauce company’s latest child-friendly product line: “Motts for Tots.” (Dear sponsorship department – you can have that one for free.)

On To The Next One – Matt Donovan left a great impression on me during our brief encounter this offseason. Right off the bat, his visible muscle mass reminded me of Hamonic circa 2010 mini-camp. That’s not to say that I think Donovan will earn a call up early this year and play out-of-his-mind hockey, making it impossible for the coaches to return him to the AHL. All I’m saying is that last year, I remember seeing Hamonic and thinking to myself, “that kid has put on as much muscle as his frame can possibly hold.” There’s something to be said about a highly-regarded prospect whose work ethic has him in that kind of shape in July.

To Dangle, Or Not To Dangle? – While many walked away from the Blue vs. White scrimmage in awe of Ryan Strome’s shootout move, I was curious to hear what Coach Capuano thought stood out from the game. He gave fair praise to the skill displayed by Strome, Nino Niederreiter and Kirill Kabanov, but seemed most excited about collegiate products Brock Nelson and Anders Lee. The pair may not have flashed the hands that drew applause from the crowd, but the way Capuano described Nelson and Lee’s strength on the puck and in the corners made it obvious that he was excited for how seamlessly those skills could translate to the NHL.

Home Run Derby – I’m all for the NHL’s traditional skills competition during All Star Weekend, but so far none of the events have matched the brilliance that ensues when a batter and his hand-selected pitcher work together to make it rain 450-foot bombs. While breakaway challenges are exciting, I think the NHL would do well to create an event where goalies and shooters work together to put on an otherwise impossible show. Maybe they can put whatever the goalie equivalent is of a bullpen catcher (a la Artie Verdie) in net for the breakaway comp to ensure a goal at the end of every highlight-reel move. I’m not sure I’ve hit it yet, but there’s definitely something here…

The Mayor – You can’t take Doug Weight anywhere. Never mind being constantly stopped in the streets by fans, as were all of the nominees; Dougie couldn’t even walk past another player without slowing down for a stop-and-chat.

Teen Grabner – Michael Grabner’s former billets from Spokane tell great stories about “Teen-Gremlin”. He didn’t speak a lick of English at the start of his first WHL season, but learned quickly when his host-family blanketed their entire property with index cards containing German-to-English translations. The Spokane couple couldn’t be nicer and made Grabs’ time in Vegas a lot of fun.

Coming to America – Grabs brought a friend from Austria who had never before been to America. He spent his four-day vacation split between Midtown Manhattan and Las Vegas, and now thinks that all American cities are filled with bright lights and swanky clubs. Grabs also spoiled his buddy at meals, making it necessary to explain that Americans don’t eat steak and lobster every night. He also watched Grabner get fitted for a John Varvatos suit that was a bit pricier than many people’s entire wardrobes (Grabs got the suit for free as part of an NHL promotion).

Game 7 Recap – Grabs and I rode to the Varvatos fitting with Canucks star Ryan Kessler, who provided an interesting perspective on the 2011 Stanley Cup Finals. With all of the hype and analysis that surrounds the series, it’s easy to forget that they’re still playing the same game as every other team did all season. It’s still just 20 guys from Vancouver trying to out-score 20 guys from Boston.

Commandos – Dougie was warned that something was going down during his acceptance of the King Clancy trophy, but even he was thrown off when army personnel dropped down from the ceiling to present the award. Not a bad victory lap for his Hall Of Fame career.  

Someone got a new computer this week, and this investment in Photoshop is already paying off.

To the Isles marketing and merch departments: This beuaty is all yours for billboards, vehicle wraps and t-shirts.

However, I reserve the rights to the likely book/movie series.

Finding ridiculous new ways to provide internet crack to Isles junkies,

- @jessedeisenberg

I went to a friend’s wedding this weekend and, like everything else in my life, couldn’t help but compare it to a typical team function.

That means it’s time for an exciting episode of “Islanders vs. Real Life”

This week: “The Islanders Pregame Meal vs. A Real Life Wedding”

Before I go any further, a quick message from our sponsor (errrr, my conscience): Let’s get it on paper that the wedding was beautiful and the families should be proud and blah blah blah.

Now back to the show…

This one came down to the wire, but “Pregame Meal with the Islanders” narrowly beat out “Real Life Wedding” with a late-round score from the “Pregame Nap.”

Be sure to tune in next time when “Islanders vs. Real Life” pits “Sparky vs. A Real Dragon.”

P.S. I’m pretty sure this chart is worthy of the 2011 Media Guide.

I recently finished writting press releases for EVERY single possible player that could feasibly be selected by the Islanders in the first round, fifth overall, of this year’s draft.

Talk about getting your hopes up…

Usually it’s easy to think logically about what players are likely to fall to you, but that drastically changes after you’ve written an extensive bio on Player-X’s record-breaking season.

Once you’ve spent a week digging through stats and records, it feels like most of these guys led the world in scoring last year, took the captain of the Cheer Team to the prom, wrote the great American novel, made a dent in world hunger and heroically rescued baby seals from that mysterious, blood-thirsty cartel that runs the baby-seal racket.

At fifth overall, the Islanders are sure to get a skilled hockey player, not to mention a Prom King, Pulitzer Prize winner, humanitarian and animal-rights activist.

Unsubstantiated Prediction Time: Judging from last year’s pick (Nino Niederreiter), I say we go for the player with the longest and hardest-to-spell last name.

Top contenders include Mika Zibanejad, Jonathan Huberdeau and Nathan Beaulieu.

Equipment Manager Scott Boggs is getting pumped to sew a three-foot long nameplate onto the back of a jersey, elbow-to-elbow.

Considering the likelihood that Justin Johnson, the Islanders Senior VP of Corporate Sponsorships, has a Google Alert set up for his name, it feels like a good time to make my case for Skates On A Plane to get an official sponsor or two (or ten).

What’s the payoff for JJ? The world famous Skates On A Plane twitter bump – good for about three (count em, three) new twitter followers every time I mention @JJohnson1969. This first mention was free JJ, but the next one’s gonna cost you.

Now, let’s get down to business.

The Traffic:
-    On a normal week, we’re looking at a couple thousand hits
-    On a week when I post a picture of John Tavares, we’re looking at tens of thousands of hits… the dude is like internet crack and I’m not ashamed to be a part of my readers’ debilitating habit

The Sale:
-    I accept cash, credit, personal checks, stock options, barter, merchandise, food, coupons, or best offer

Types Of Businesses To Endorse:
-    Small, mom-and-pop shops
-    Large, heartless corporations
-    Any business ending with “Mart,” “Benz,” “Cola,” “Tube,” or “family Pizzeria”

Types Of Products To Endorse:
-    Caffeinated beverages
-    Alcoholic beverages
-    Caffeinated, alcoholic beverages
-    Sports Cars
-    Swiss Watches
-    Designer Suits
-    Anything Deep Fried

Types Of Products That, In A Roundabout Way, Kind Of Make More Sense:
Be The Official…
-    Plane Gum of Skates On A Plane
-    Camera of Skates On A Plane
-    Cell Phone Provider of Skates On A Plane
-    Bus Company of Skates On A Plane
-    Private Jet Fleet of Skates On A Plane

The ball’s in your court JJ. As for any businesses looking to avoid the middle man, I’ll just say this: You’ll be surprised how far a piece of swag or free food will get you.

Let the bidding war begin.

- @JesseDEisenberg