What Would Jack Do

Never give up.
When giving up, be sure to grovel.
Be yourself. Your brand is you.
Remember: your brand is whatever people want you to be. You are a cheap whore.
Be honest.
When lying, be sure to use direct eye contact.

• How to be a social media expert, Slacktory

Am I the only one who feels the need to stifle a gag reflex when you hear a politician using the phrase, “The American People are….” or, “The American People want….”? As if the will of 300 million Americans is some monolithic entity that can be reduced to an easily-digestible sound bite, right? I’ll own up to my particular prejudice, in that it REALLY pisses me off when I hear Republicans doing it, because they really are the worst offenders. Nonetheless, I’d be something less than honest were I not to admit to wanting to pull my hair out when I hear Democrats doing it. It’s offensive, it’s inaccurate, and I feel as if my intelligence is being insulted whenever I hear a politician head down that path. It makes me crazy, and I find myself fighting the urge to take a nine-iron to my television.

As a politician, the American Sheeple want…whatever talking/propaganda point you happen to be pushing at the moment. Period. Unless you’ve somehow managed to conduct some extensive polling, one can no more claim knowledge of what 300 million Americans want than one can cure cancer through the awesome power of the free market.

How DOES one divine the feelings and opinions of 300 million Americans? And, having done that, how does one then boil it down to a simple, easily-digestible talking point? The short answer, of course, is that you simply cannot. What you can do is take a little bit of information, twist it and interpret it in a way that happens to fit your particular agenda, and then run with it AS IF AN ENTIRE NATION has rallied behind your brilliant, insightful leadership. This is really, of course, just a nice way to say that you can demagogue an issue when and if it suits your purpose.

Hey, the American Sheeple are calling BS on this…and they’re demanding that this President step up and do the right thing. Because that’s evidently what extensive polling of 300 million Americans has indisputably proven. Or not.

It does make for great talking points, though….

Penis Size vs. GDP Study: Does Male Organ Size Impact The Economy?. It’s a good thing this study didn’t compare actual organ size with perceived organ size…because then Texas would have the biggest dicks around.

Sex Advice From Quidditch World Cup Players. Uh, thanks…I think I’ll pass on advice from people who play a game that doesn’t even exist except in the movies.

The Price of Bread: A Measure of Political Stability. Want a good indication of where political unrest is due to break out? Monitor the price of bread.

McDonald’s Manager Punches Customer For Bringing in a Service Dog. As if you needed another reason to avoid McDonald’s….

Rebuilding the American Dream: Why Starting a Liberal Antidote to the Tea Party Movement Isn’t Going to be Easy. Because the American Sheeple doesn’t want the truth; they want simple and easy propaganda that makes them feel good about themselves.

NH GOP Politician to Unions: ‘Better Not F#%k with Me’ Or I’ll Shoot. When did the working class become the enemy?

Every Time Someone Discloses a Murdoch Crime, a Somali Child Dies. When PR goes horribly wrong, this is the crap you end up with.

Allen West Fundraising With DNC Chairwoman Insult. When you’re a Republican, being an asshole is a great career move.

Superhero Al Franken Uses Literacy To Prove Homophobes Are Idiots. Sen. Franken is my new hero….

Sex Advice From Turkey Farmers. Sorry, but there’s absolutely nothing to be learned about sex from observing turkeys.

Tea Party Nation Sued For Dodging $640,000 Las Vegas Casino Bill. So much for fiscal responsibility, eh?

The Alarming Revival of Ayn Rand: The Right’s Weirdest Idol of Them All. Which only goes to show how clueless, insensitive, and truly out of touch Republicans really are.

Wannabe Prez McCotter Reveals Five Principles of Nonsense. Who’s Thaddeus McCotter? Who cares??

Florida Teen Showed Parents’ Bodies To Friend At Party. Yeah, he managed to make it a party NO ONE would ever forget.

Debt Ceiling Holy War: Why Do Conservatives Have Unshakable Faith in Ideas That Are Totally, Demonstrably False?. Because it’s not about the truth…and it never was. It’s about faith and ideology and about the way they wish things were.

Democrats With Balls? How Some Progressive Lawmakers Are Hitting Back in the Class War. They only call it a class war when we fight back.

The typical step a society takes after a terrorist attack is towards stricter security measures. It happened after 9/11 and has continued to happen in the US in the decade that is soon to have passed. Obviously, as a symbol of Western civilisation the US is a more prominent terrorist target, and concise parallels are difficult to draw. However, Norway has surprised foreign observers I have spoken to, and maybe even ourselves, in that we instead have managed to take a step back. Through careful reflection proving that there are other ways of maintaining order than merely through more rules and regulations. That increasing the social trust, in a society that already enjoys amongst the highest levels of social trust in the world, is a more rewarding option…. Prime Minister Jens Stoltenberg has stated clearly that the terror will be met with more democracy and more openness. Foreign Minister Jonas Gahr Støre has made clear that tomorrow’s Norway will be fully recognisable. Not only have these phrases been repeated. They have been implemented…. Even more interesting, perhaps, there hasn’t even been a public outcry for more security for the politicians to address. No opposition politicians, not even social media voices, have demanded more public security or pointed to the lack thereof as potential discouragements to the attacks. There has been no visible debate on gun laws or even on the sale of fertilizer, used by the attacker. Neither has there been calls for stricter legal punishment, Norway has 21 years as its maximum prison sentence.

I feel almost guilty talking about the tragic terrorist attacks in Norway in dispassionate, borderline academic turns, but it’s the nature of tragedy, I suppose, that leads thinking people to re-examine their world. Humans at their most basic are about self-preservation, and few things trigger that instinct more powerfully than the idea, or worse, the reality of our children being taken violently from us.

Comparing countries can be a tenuous and often difficult thing. Different historical and cultural contexts and considerations often make for an apples-and-oranges comparison. Norway and the US may be two wealthy and successful Western nations, but that’s really about where the similariites end. To compare and contrast how each country has reacted to a horrific terroristic attack is a challenging thing to do and to draw any real conclusions from…except that we as a Americans could do well to learn from how Norway has chosen to harness and channel their fear, grief, and outrage.

‘Republicanity’—The GOP Transformation is Nearly Complete . Wake up and smell the tea, y’all…the GOP is now a full-fledged religious movement.

As Economy Sinks, Sex Toy Sales Go Through the Roof. Well, it IS cheaper than maintaining a relationship with a real, flesh-and-blood person…and we’re all about reducing spending, right??

Couples in relationships spy on each other. And in other news, water is wet, pain hurts, and the sun rises in the east.

Rep. Allen West: I’m A Threat To Liberals Because ‘I’m The Guy That Got Off Their 21st Century Plantation’. West is really a threat only to himself…and anyone who flaunts their ignorance and inflexible Right-wing orthodoxy so openly doesn’t have to worry about being taken seriously. By anyone.

Beer Is Now Officially Alcoholic In Russia. No, it was classified as a dessert topping AND a floor wax.

Koch And Exxon Pay To Write State Legislation Repealing Climate Change Laws. American Democracy: the finest government Right-wing money can buy.

God Has a 52 Percent Approval Rating. Which gives Her a much better shot at the GOP nomination than Mitt Romney or Michele Bachmann.

Grover Norquist And ATR Admit That The Expiration Of Bush Tax Cuts Does Not Violate Their Anti-Tax Pledge. Not that they won’t try to turn it to their advantage, of course.

Limbaugh: The Killer 116° Heat Index Is ‘Manufactured By The Government’. Jeebus, is there a bigger, more reliably and consistently WRONG ignoramus besides Limbaugh??

Horde of Gay Barbarians Glitterbomb Marcus Bachmann’s Clinic. Nah, y’all might like it just a little bit too much….

Surviving Tucson zoo giraffe in stable condition. You might just need a new line of work when…you kill a giraffe on one of your first days on the job.

Poll: 59% Of Americans Support Repealing Fossil-Energy Subsidies To Reduce Deficit. OK…remind me again why we need to subsidize an industry making record profits?

Child Bride Courtney Stodden and Creepy Old Husband Give Weirdest Interview Yet. Most normal people have a very simple one-word description for this sort of thing: pedophilia.

“Goddess” Bree Olson says she wanted sex “19 times a day”. Which probably made Charlie Sheen one very happy (and very tired) cowboy.

Florida GOP Rejects Money To Fight Child Abuse And Neglect. Well, Floriduh voters were silly enough to elect Rick Scott, so they can’t reasonably claim to be surprised that Scott’s trying to drag Floriduh back to the Stone Age.

The Quiznos Death Watch Begins. Enjoy a “Toasty Torpedo” while you still can….