A Monkey book report

Unlike a lot of my countrymen and women, I am curious about Canada, our neighbor to the north, and I want to read and learn more about it. So a few weeks back I picked up this book at a local used book store:
It came out in the late 1980's and it's references to the old USSR made me laugh, as did the passages about the old Brian Mulroney government. Alas, those two things were about all I enjoyed about this book.

The author clearly thinks he's a wit, perhaps on par with his late countryman Oscar Wilde. Sadly however, when it comes to witty writing he's got more in common with Oscar Gamble in the last stages of his major league baseball career. Mr. Brook stakes out his literary ground clearly and early in every chapter that I read and he refuses to budge off that ground. He begins his Canadian journey in Newfoundland, which he finds endearingly odd and he never lets us forget it. Then it's a quick jaunt off to the other maritime provinces, which according to Mr. Brook consist of Nova Scotia and Cape Breton Island. He finds the people and landscape of those two places to be endearingly odd. Next up he saunters off to Quebec where he finds the Francophone population to be, wait for it, wait for it, endearingly odd. But it gets better in Quebec, he finds the people, the cities, and the landscape to also be stiff and boring too! By the time he hit Toronto, which he found just boring, which was almost refreshing for a change, I had had enough.

Having skipped over Prince Edward Island all together and seeing as how the very British Mr. Brook found most everyone in Canada to be endearingly odd or boring, I didn't want to see what he thought of the prairie region, the Rocky Mountain region, the northern territories, or British Columbia. I had a feeling he'd find them odd, boring, and not British.

Avoid this book. It stinks. There are better travel books about Canada out there, I know because I read one of them, Theatre of Fish by John Gimlette, and I'll keep searching them out. Seriously though, avoid this book like the plague.

Three out of three bears agree

Is the right wing outrage machine correct? Should we ignore Michelle Obama's plea to stop feeding kids in the USA the kinds of food that makes them obese?
"Ummmm, yes. You should stop trying to make them lose weight. We like your kids fat and stubby legged. They can't run very fast when we go after them and it's so much fun eating their bloated little bodies. Nom. Nom. Nom. So remember, ignore Michelle Obama and keep feeding those little lard ass kids of yours all that processed food, all that fast food, and keep stuffing them full of cheap meats and cheeses."
"I agree. Keep porking those kids up so I don't have to keep eating fish. You think it's a fucking cakewalk hunting fish in these cold ass streams? It's not. And I hate the taste of fish so if you keep feeding your kids shit, they'll keep getting fat, and we'll keep eating them when they wander off while you're out here in the wild. It's all your fault you know. You kept ignoring all those 'Do Not Feed the Bears' signs and we bears got fat as a result. Hang on...how do I know what those signs said? And how do I know I'm a bear? Have I attained consciousness? Hey, is that a fat little white kid staring at me while he licks an ice cream cone? Damn, that little fucker looks tasty. I'mma eat that motherfucker...see ya'll later."

Art is where you find it

I found this art in my kitchen sink after I dumped out the remains of a jar of years old chili oil.

Smug chef

I've long maintained that Anthony Bourdain is an insufferable ass.

My problems with him are:

• he's a major hypocrite. He's made a big deal about how stupid he thinks vegetarians are and he's mocked them for years. But as soon as he hits India, vegetarians are fine with him. Then, back in the USA, they're the scum of the culinary world. So he's fine with vegetarianism if you're doing it in a country that's not the USA and for religious reasons but if you're in the USA and vegetarian for compassionate or health reasons, then you're a jerk who isn't fit to be around his highness.
• he's one of those idiots who think everything revolves around New York city and what New Yorkers think and like. Yes, I know he travels outside of of NYC to other parts of this country, but more often than not he's doing it to tell us hicks and slack jawed yokels how we're doing it wrong and how much better it's done where he comes from.
• he's a misogynist, big time. He loves to slag chef Alice Waters, one of the leaders of the eat local and organic movement. He went so far as to do a show in her backyard, San Francisco, and say that no one should care if the food they get in restaurants is local or organic. He went on that awful NPR Splendid Table radio show recently and when asked about her he claimed she was out of touch and not worth paying attention to. However, you never ever hear him slam a male celebrity chef like that. Jamie Oliver, he's fine with him. Gordon Ramsay, loves the guy. Emeril? He practically French kissed the greasy little guy when he did his last show New Orleans show. But Alice Waters, well she's a woman and she can't or won't beat him up if he says shit about her so of course he's going to go off on her. I'm surprised he doesn't talk shit about Julia Child, after all she's a woman and she's dead, so nothing to worry about with her.

And yet, I still watch his show. So, really, how pathetic am I?

Wait. Don't answer that.

Great graphic design

These guys know you've been naughty...

...so they're here to spank you. Bend over you.

Cooking with Dr.Monkey

Today's episode: beef brisket crock pot BBQ.

I started off by cutting my pound and a half beef brisket into chunks. Then in my crock pot I put one small thinly sliced white onion, 1 tsp cumin, 1 tsp salt, 1 tblsp cracked black pepper, 2 tsp paprika, 1/2 tsp garlic powder. I then opened a can of this
and I poured it in the crock pot. I added a half can of water as well.
Then I oven roasted a sweet Cubanelle pepper. I took off the charred skin, scraped out the seeds, and then I cut it into small bits and added it to the pot as well. Then I slid my meat into it.

I covered it and let it cook for 6 hours.

When the six hours was up I took the meat out and shredded it. Then I slid the shredded meat back in and let it simmer with the sauce. I served it on buns the first night and the second night I made a kind of shepard's pie with the meat that we had left over.

Brisket is an ideal cut of meat to cook in your crock pot since it takes hours to cook it enough to where it's tender. This recipe needs a bit of work to be honest. I based it on one I had seen in Southern Living, a magazine I usually loathe, but one I read for the recipes. I need to bump the spices way up next time I make this and I need to add some other kinds of peppers. It doesn't need to be hotter, it just needs more spice like cumin and chili powder to make it more flavorful. I put some of my recently pickled peppers and onions on mine and it was fantastic but it still would have benefited from more flavor that comes via spice. And I do mean flavor, not heat, although I like a bit of heat as well.

Happy birthday to a true American hero

Today is Cindy Sheehan's birthday. I admire the hell out of Cindy and I'll go so far as to say she's a hero of mine.
Cindy stood up to the war machine when almost no one else did. She galvanized many others, including me, into taking to the streets, the airwaves, and the internet to make our opposition to the war known. She's been vilified, first by the conservatives who said she should just shut up and go the hell home even though the war machine murdered her son Casey. Then after the anti war Democrat got elected the left vilified her for daring to oppose him for not keeping his promise to end the war.
But through all the criticism, the death threats, the name calling, after suffering all the barbs, the slings and arrows, Cindy still stands firm and tall against the war. And I stand with her.
I'm proud to have her as a Facebook friend and one day I hope to be able to meet her in person to shake her hand, to give her a hug, and to thank her for fighting the good fight. If you hate her, that's on you and you can keep your hate to yourself and out of the comments section of this blog.

One day I hope the Nobel prize committee realizes what a mistake they made giving Obummer the Peace prize a few years ago and they take it back from him and give it to Cindy. She's done more to advance the cause of peace than Obama ever did.

Happy birthday Cindy. I hope you have many more. And one day I hope we have the peace you've worked so hard for and that your Casey gets the justice he deserves.

Barn of the week

Eat up with stupid

The Capitulater in Chief has put cuts to Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid on the table in an effort to get the Republicans to like him. Let's count the ways this is possibly the stupidest thing Obummer has done since taking office:

• Republicans have always hated Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid. They've wanted to get rid of them for years but they could not because they are some of the most beloved programs a Democratic party president ever signed into law. Allowing any cuts to them would be tantamount to surrender.
• Social Security isn't part of the deficit, it's paid for by taxes on payroll. If it's not driving the deficit, like the wars of terror on Iraq, Afghanistan, and Libya are, then it should not be part of a deficit solution.
• Cutting these programs will cost the Idiot in Chief votes. In fact, it may cost him his base.
  
• If you want to piss off the biggest voting bloc in this country then be sure to cut the Medicare that so many senior citizens depend on, and even though I'm not a senior citizen I depend on it too since I am on SSDI.

So yeah, go right ahead a put all that on the table, toss all the New Deal and Great Society gains we made on the bonfire of bipartisanship as well Obama, see where it fucking gets you. You fucking class traitor.

On the other side of the aisle, Orin Hatch of Utah has said that the poor and working poor of this country need to step up and contribute more to solving the deficit that he helped create under Bush Jr. Yeah, you heard that right. The man who helped create this deficit wants the people with the least money to pay to fix it. And yes, he voted to keep the Bush/Obama tax cuts for the wealthiest people.

So in case you're not following along, rich people get a tax cut and poor people get to pay more in taxes to make up for the money the rich aren't paying in thanks to people like Orin Hatch. And on top of that he want to ban porn. He wants to fuck us out of our money and he wants us to not be able to get any release after he does so. Fucking idiot.

Obama and Hatch both are eat up with stupid.

What's pissing off the teabaggers now?

"The NFL lockout is pissing me off. I need football on TV during the cold months to keep me distracted so I don't wander off and get gay married."

"I'd like to burn my house down but the god damned government won't let me. Bastards."

"I'm pissed they don't tax the illegals more. I'm tired of them running around not paying taxes and living the high life while I scrape by on my Social Security, my pension, and my inheritance."

"I'm pissed we don't have Dick Nixon to kick around anymore."

"Stop looking at my camel toe. Oh great, now you're staring harder at it."

Speaking of Facebook...

My graphic novel has it's own Facebook fan page! Click here to 'Like' it. Click here to buy it on CD. It's only $21 to all US addresses, shipping included, and it's only $27 to all Canadian and Mexican addresses, shipping included. There are no superheroes in my surreal criminal epic of the mountain south, so buy one today and do your part to support independent creative types like me.

Dr. Monkey on Facebook

You can now 'Like' Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein on Facebook. I gave my blog alias his own Facebook fan page. Go on, go 'Like' it, you know you want to. And as an extra enticement, all people who 'Like' Dr. Monkey's fan page get a free banana, while quantities last.

Tell you what America,

I'll start caring about the Casey Anthony case when you start caring about all the kids we're killing in Afghanistan,
making homeless and parent-less in Iraq,
allowing Israel to kill in the Gaza Strip,
and letting our 'allies' in Africa use as soldiers to prop up their corrupt regimes.
Yes, the suspicious death of a little white girl is sad. But what's even sadder is all the kids we condemn to death to support our addiction to cheap oil and consuming everything we can.

Hey mad scientist guy, what do you do when you get a social disease?

Duly noted. Thanks.

Happy 4th of July suckers!

I hope you're happy being free. Your freedom is brought to you by the Fortune 500 and all the companies and hedge funds that run Wall Street.

Remember, you're free here in the USA. You're free to consume as much as you can without any care as to what your consumption is doing to the world, the people we fuck over, and to the future. You're free to amass large amounts of debt and then free to slave away at a job that you hate so you can pay down the interest on that debt. You're free to think you've got it better than everybody else on the planet when in reality people in the most heavily taxed countries are far happier, healthier, and better off than you. They may pay higher taxes but they get a shit ton of services for what they pay. You're free to buy a gun and shoot up schools with it. You're free to hate me because I don't subscribe to your religious point of view and you're free to use your religion to hate others for being black, Latino, gay, or female.

Happy freedom suckers! And don't forget to thank all those soldiers who died in wars of conquest for your freedom, they died so you can enjoy the current empire that's built on cheap oil and the exploitation of workers.

"If you don't ask...

...I won't tell."

President Obama must be a spelunker...

...because he loves caving in. Seriously, he's caved on not closing Gitmo, extending the Bush tax cuts, keeping the Bush era secrecy laws in place, and keeping the Patriot Act going (which he swore he'd change once he got elected).

People wonder why Senate Dems cave so quickly, they're just following their leader in the White House.

The rarest of all comic book sound effect panels

The panel where the character references the sound effect.

Speaking of comic book related things, my graphic novel 'Hip Deep, Mountain High' is available on CD now for $21, shipping included to US addresses, and $27 to Canadian and Mexican addresses. Order yours today and support non corporate creative people like me. Click here for ordering info.

And now here's a word from our new evil overlord

Greetings you round eyed white devils! I am Hsu-Wang the evil Chinese genius who owns all your debt. That's right, I'm the guy who lent you all that cash you didn't have that you used to start those wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya, and all the other wars that are coming soon.

How did I get so rich that I could bankroll all your idiotic wars? Well, believe it or not, there's a shit ton of money to be made in penis creams and extensions. And I also sold Avon and Amway shit door to door, so there you go.

I'm sure you're asking yourself what did I do with the rest of my ill gotten gains? Well, I used some of that money on self improvement. For instance, I used part of it to pay for evil genius school. That's me in the center of my graduating class. We grads of Super Happy Joyful Radiant Evil Genius Academy are a handsome bunch, are we not?

In order to be even more evil to your right wing religious nut jobs, I also used my money to get gay married. Here I am with my husband Lon-Dong.
One day we'll adopt an American baby, just to piss you off even more.

So anyhoo, somethings come up and I need my money back, plus interest. See, the Russians are selling off their moon base and I'm wanting to buy it something fierce. I plan to use it to further my evil genius plan for universal domination and as you can imagine, moon bases don't come cheap. So cough up all that cash I loaned you...NOW. To show you I mean business, I hired the baddest ass hired killers I could find. That's right bitches, I hired the Mormon Tabernacle choir.
Trust me, these Mormons will fuck you up. So when we come to your house to collect, you better pay up to avoid getting hurt. And don't even think about pulling the shades down or closing the blinds and acting like you're not home. That shit is just insulting. And if you do try it, I'll sic my boys the Lipshitz brothers on you:
They just got done shooting season five of the Chinese version of The Office, so they're pretty pissed already.

Don't kid yourselves America, after I get my money, I'm still gonna own your fat asses. And to keep you in line, I've got my best gal ready to rule you with an iron fist on my behalf:
What? You thought she shot to the top all by herself? Fuck that noise. She's my Manchurian candidate baby, and don't you forget it.

Bonk

Everybody's bonking.

A picture perfect metaphor for how corporations screw us over

It's here!

My graphic novel Hip Deep, Mountain High is finally complete and it's available on CD ROM!

You can order a copy by clicking here. If you don't have a PayPal account, I'll be glad to take a check (drawn on US banks only) or a money order. If you want a copy and don't have a PayPal account drop me an email at monkeymuckATgmailDOTcom and we'll get you squared away.
If you're on Facebook you can also 'Like' the Hip Deep, Mountain High fan page.

Get yours today! (And I'm looking at you comic book and graphic novel lovers, it's time to support an independent artist and writer rather than the corporate machine.)

Transsexuals, they're everyhwere

I laughed out loud when I saw this front plate on a car in a local parking lot.

Art in Asheville

We went to supper over in Asheville, NC with some good friends the other night. After we gorged on Indian food we walked around downtown and I snapped these photos of murals and paintings.