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I now feel like your legitimate web editor, because today is my 40th birthday! Apparently the sleep difficulties start early because I was up at 4 a.m. - time to fill out the More.ca sleep survey I guess.

I don’t feel any midlife angst about it at all, at least not yet. I really enjoyed my 30s a lot, but I don’t have a sense of a decade or an era ending as I did when I turned 40.

Mostly, I just want some cake.

One of the key differences, of course, is working here at More.ca. I see so many of you doing and experiencing so many interesting and exciting things! Who wouldn’t want to be 40? If anything I think I feel a sense of possibility.

A lot of my inspiration is coming from our Firsts after 40 contest, presented by RBC. Click on over to check out the really neat dreams and activities women our age are bringing to life. And do not forget to enter! We are seriously giving out cash!

I didn’t get as many things done in my year of turning 40 as I wanted to, due in large part to a complication-laden pregnancy. (My first “first after 40″ may well be a c-section.) I will be on mat leave beginning at the end of this month (stay tuned to hear about the editor who will be replacing me) but I will be continuing to blog here regularly.

I’m not quite delusional enough to think that I’ll get through a ton more of your suggestions for what to try as I turn 40 (my favourite though is the hot air balloon) due to having a newborn in tow. But I’m still going to tackle some more - and be ready to turn 41 with glee, and without the big belly!

Just when I resolve to quit talking about pregnancy…I have a More moment.

I was at the obstetrician’s in the waiting room and some of the women got chatting and sharing vitals - you know, due date, sex of baby (if known), other kids and…age. I said I’m 39. To which I got the response: “Oh, so you’re going to be a granny mama!”

Here’s my official writerly, editorial reaction: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’d've liked to go on a rant about how common it is these days to have kids in your late 30s — these days; a phrase that probably only those of us about to enter our golden years use. Many women wait because they are building careers or waiting for the right relationship or just plain waiting. And so what? Isn’t that what choice is all about? Trust me, having met so many women who are heading off to climb mountains or go motorcycling around, I’m not exactly worried about having young kids in my 40s.

As someone who’s faced reproductive challenges, I know that it’s a luxury to even start to discuss the pros and cons of having kids earlier or later in life. There are advantages and disadvantages to every stage of life and every configuration of family. I’m glad to be having kids when I’m stable and have a strong sense of myself - but I also admit that I occasionally have twinges of envy of people not that much older than I am who are about to empty their nest and get cracking on goals that don’t involve avoiding humiliation at snack day. I do worry a little bit about how my kids will handle issues around my husband and I aging when they are still young adults - but that is one reason we’re saving money, working on our health, and basically trying to make sure we think things through; something that comes with maturity.

All that said, what gives a younger woman the right to call me that anyway? Seriously, back off.

I might have uncharitably commented on teen pregnancy (although to be fair, the woman who dropped the remark was in her early 20s.) Fortunately we were interrupted by the cattle call for the next round of women getting weighed, and I let it go. But now I want to know: Have you come across this attitude? What would a good snappy comeback be?

AMA: Perhaps you thought this acronym stood for American Medical Association, but it’s currently stamped all over various files of mine and in this form stands for Advanced Maternal Age.

I’m aware, because shortly after losing all that weight, I discovered that I am happily, surprisingly, pregnant. And have been on bedrest for the last couple of weeks. More on that in a minute.

So although I’ve had two babies, I’ll be having my first third child after I turn 40. And I’m finding that it really is a different experience than it was at 35. I can’t believe how many people (okay, 4, but doesn’t that seem like a lot?) feel comfortable asking me if I’ll be having amniocentesis to test for Down Syndrome. (No comment at this time.) And a few more have asked me if I had help (only if you count my husband!)

I would be lying if I said my age isn’t a factor for me too. I kind of had thought that we were beyond the diaper phase forever and had been putting those funds into RRSPs. Although I’m thrilled to be able to take maternity leave, it was so not in my career plan at this time. And as soon as I’m through the newborn stage I’ll be hiring a personal trainer just so I can be in shape to chase my teen down the street when I’m 55.

But honestly - in 2010, is it really a big deal to be (almost) 40 and pregnant, generally? I don’t think so.

Here’s what I’ve learned through this whole experience so far:

Well take it from Kelly Cutrone, star of Kell on Earth, author of If You Have To Cry, Go Outside and the woman behind the successful fashion public relations company, People’s Revolution - Amma has done “f-ing amazing things.”

I’m going to have to agree with her.

It might not seem like a natural pairing - the 2002 winner of the Gandhi-King Award for Non-Violence and famous hugger (more on this in a moment), and the reality-TV-show star and now straight-talking author-mentor of young women interns everywhere. But in just a few minutes speaking with Cutrone, I get it. Amma has changed the world for the better and helped women achieve - in other words, she’s a powerful feminine force. And so is Cutrone in her own way.

And maybe the amazing thing about showing up for my hug at the Sheraton Parkway in Toronto is that I feel that sense of possibility afterwards too. I said yes to the media invite as a part of my “year of turning 40″ project - there’s something I’ve never done; hugged a guru. I wanted to share that here!

But boy, it’s not just about hugs.

So, let’s talk about Amma because that’s why we’re all here. Amma is 53, and for the last 35 years she has been hugging people. But it’s not an ordinary hug: it’s darshan or an imparting of of divine energy and affection between spiritual leader and spiritual follower. Amma’s mission is to hug people with love, helping them to overcome poverty of spirit. She believes that one people are in touch with their own compassionate natures, they will naturally come to address core humanitarian issues like poverty.

But hugging is not the whole story. Amma’s collective charities, now named Embracing the World, have raised over 48 million dollars for food programmes, hospitals, orphanages, shelters for battered women, skills development and employment support and other organizations around the world, including Haiti and right here in Canada. She is playing a key role in giving voice to women’s issues around the world.

Reading one of her lectures after the event, I’m struck by some of the language. It reads like pretty old-school radical feminism: “The male community that stands unwilling to compromise is the emblem of the past….For the sake of a promising future, the minds and intellects of women and men need to become one. We cannot wait any longer.”

And still, Amma hugs. Everyone - men, women, old, young. Sometimes for 20 hours a day. She even hugs members of the media like me who show up in a black and pink dress (white seems to be the colour of the day), with skeptical minds and who have hang-ups about taking their shoes off. (That’s me in the picture.)

Entering the conference room (barefoot, despite the hang-up), I look around the room with its dozens of people patiently waiting for their hug, experiencing the moment and her presence, meditating and smiling and chatting. I see people of all different ages and nationalities (by which I mean everyone - not just people of colour) - not unusual for Toronto. The one thing I don’t see is anyone rushing around, which is very unusual for Toronto- at least, for my Toronto.

I watch Amma hug the people ahead of me - a mother and her daughters. I’m surprised at how long the hug lasts. The girls are bubbly, bouncing. The mother’s back straightens as Amma whispers to her.

Then it’s my turn. I kneel down and she pulls me in and says (in the language of my choice, from which I understand she knows these words in many languages): daughter daughter daughter daughter. She was soft, but strong — I’m guessing those hugging muscles are well toned — and smelled overwhelmingly of roses.

It struck me that it has actually been a long time since I hugged my mother. Or spent a while thinking about compassion, or poverty. Or slowed down to hang out with people who are thinking about love and its place in the world.

Amma, I’m told by Kelly Cutrone, doesn’t care if you’re a believer and isn’t out to convert anyone. She just believes that her hug will change something, all on its own. And it might.

In a way I’m sorry that I set weight loss as a goal for my year of turning forty, because I feel like it’s taken a lot of energy that I haven’t thrown into trying wild and wacky things.

But I’m also pleased as punch to announce that I met my goal and share an “after” picture with you (please excuse the hair). I have learned a lot about myself, perhaps most centrally that when I focus on fitness, my house gets messier, and when I focus on my house, my exercise routine falls apart. Any tips for making it all work appreciated. Also, any suggestions for wild and wacky things I should try. The parameters are: They have to be close to home (Toronto), relatively inexpensive, and one-offs, like a single workshop.

Here’s what I learned about my changing body and weight: I was eating more than I thought I was. Being mindful about it and writing things down made a huge difference to me personally. As the pounds (30 total) came off, I did start to feel better about myself, and that led to getting on a bike and going to the pool more. I do feel more energetic and better. My blood pressure numbers are much improved, which was one of my big goals.

Maybe most of all, I feel empowered, because I set a goal and accomplished it. Many of the things I do every day are goal-related, but they are often about shared goals: Family goals, work goals and the like. This one was just for me. My next big personal goal is to finish a book I’ve been writing. Although maybe it should be a blow-drying workshop for that hair!

My family doctor asked me what made the difference in losing the weight this time (before we got into the concept of maintaining the weight loss, which is something entirely different!) and I think some of it was the Weight Watchers group, some of it was knowing I was going to have to report in here, and a lot of it really was that I chose that as my hobby for the last 5 months.

Please share with me things you’ve done lately that you’re proud of - large or small, it makes no difference at all. And how do you find the time and still not have weeds coming up everywhere in your backyard?

After reading Amy Baskin’s article Mark my Words in the May issue of More, about her lifelong relationship to her journal, I was motivated to pull a box of my journals out of the attic.

I’m a pretty sporadic journal writer; I tend to write at great heights or great depths, or when in transit either metaphorically or literally. But I got into this entry from when I was 13 titled “hello old me” It reads (in part):

Hello old me
I hope you are having a good day. I am having a really bad day. I hope you are married but I doubt it because I am the last person boys would ask out. I hope you have lots of friends. Here is what I hope you have done:
- learned to ride a horse really really well
- travel, especially to France and to see Stonehenge
- got married to someone nice
- have 4 kids
- written at least 5 books, maybe about science
- are happier than me!!!!

I don’t remember what that day was all about, but wow, was there a road map. No, I’m not a horsewoman but I have ridden a horse within living memory. Friend, marriage, and one child at least, check. Five books and world travel, not so much, although I have seen Stonehenge.

And I think I am happier than that 13-year-old self. And I think I’m due for another “hello old me” entry.

What’s your relationship to your journals like, if you keep them? If you were talking to your 13-year-old self would she be pleased with you? And what do you want when you are old? Got a different journal prompt you’d like to share? Answer in the comments before noon on Friday for a chance to win a copy of Kathy Buckworth’s book The BlackBerry Diaries: Adventures in Modern Motherhood.

Note: This giveaway has closed! Keep reading us for more.

In the “oh no, that sounds like a lot of work” category, the Globe and Mail recently shared that women should exercise 60 minutes a day 7 days a week in order to maintain their weight. (And while you’re at it, here’s our myth-busting article on midlife weight gain.)

That’s an opportunity for me to jump back on the blogging wagon about my year of turning 40 and share that one of my goals this year was to get exercising and also try Weight Watchers here at work. And so far, so good, although I am not hitting 60 minutes a day. But I have been walking daily, and then there’s Weight Watchers, which has surprised me.

I am not endorsing the programme, because I am skeptical that way. Ask me in 5 years. But I have found that just committing to something has really helped me realign what I’m actually eating with my food values - that is, Michael Pollan’s food values. (”Eat food. Mostly plants. Not too much.”)

The mindfulness of counting points (WW’s way to sort out calories), while annoying, is helping me halt some bad habits. (Food gorging apparently can be like cocaine. Or something. I was scared to read the whole article lest I develop a craving.) And our group here at work is sensible and also irreverent and fun to be on the journey with.

And yes, I’ve lost about 10 lbs so far, despite a March Break holiday where I reverted to old habits when faced with an on-site chef and wine cellar.

Here are some spots around the web I’m finding inspirational as I go through this. If you know any I should be reading, please tell me in the comments!

A Midlife Woman’s Journey from Couch to Cross fit
Fatty Kathy’s Weight Loss Journal
I always want to mention the Health at Every Size concept when I talk about weight loss.
Perri Meno-Pudge’s Musings
Not a blog: The brand-new Heart and Stroke Foundation’s healthy weight action plan tools. I haven’t tried them yet, but I intend to as soon as my WW membership expires.

Cautionary tale: Eating disorders in midlife is a good post on Esther Kane’s blog.

Inspirational & cautionary: It’s not about the weight

Talk to me about your relationship to your body when it comes to your weight!

In our Haute Flash newsletter I told the story of getting caught in the rain on the way to an interview and only realizing afterwards that I looked like a cubist nightmare. (Avoid this.)

But I have to admit I’m used to beauty disasters. My mom, who was a little bit too old to be a hippy but still leaned that way, raised me on Free to Be You and Me and with the concept that it’s what’s inside that counts. So - I ended up experimenting the hard way. Among some of my “fondest” (ha) recollections:

- Starting to shave my legs at camp — unfortunately for me, in the cold morning air lakeside, which resulted in shaving off the goosebumps and sporting scabs and stubble for the next week and a half.
- The same summer, my friend and I decided to style our hair. Neither one of us had hair gel, so we used Vaseline.
- For my wedding in 1994 I decided to get a perm so that I could sport loose waves. It was only the second one I’d had ever and did not realize that my hair would take the curl really, really well. Let’s just say we could have danced to “On the Good Ship Lollipop.” Shirley Temples for all!

The nice thing is that mom was right - it really is the confidence inside that counts. But I have to admit that the older I get, the more that confidence actually inspires me to learn about clothes and beauty products that work for me and not against me.

What’s your tale of beauty disaster? Share yours in the comments before Friday at noon (eastern time!) and you could win a 50 mL bottle of Shiseido’s Future Solution LX Total Regenerating Cream.

Edit: This giveaway is now closed; thanks for entering! Read the comments for some hillarious stories that will make you laugh out loud. The winner is #13: #

I went to high school one day having borrowed my mother’s very orangey estee lauder blush. None of my friends wore makeup, but true to 80’s form, I applied it as if it were war paint. One of the boys asked if I had something on my face, because it looked kind of funny. I didn’t need any help blushing after that! - Jacquelyn

Next post: 39-year-old body. Here we go.

My relationship to my body has been complicated. As a victim of childhood sexual abuse, I spent a fair amount of time in childhood and early adolescence trying to achieve out-of-body experiences: Reading as a first and early pleasure, then television. I was, to put it mildly, an underachiever where sports and gym class were concerned. If you could skip them or hide at recess, I did.

I also was that kid who dressed in hand-me-downs and whose socks didn’t always match. But that’s a whole other post!

A lot improved after my parents sent me to Camp Ouareau. It might be a Canadian stereotype that a summer spent under the pines is an invariably wholesome and empowering experience, but in my case those summers - 7 of them - really were. The assumption was that we were there to canoe and swim and windsurf and play tennis, and so I did, and loved it. I also learned to trust my body - that practicing rescues does pay off when a swimmer needs rescuing; that when 9 counsellors-in-training are paddling against the waves and dusk is falling they will find extra stamina to get to the campsite.

I can’t say I fell in love with my body — I think one of the worst things about any form of abuse is that it can set a person at odds against herself in so many ways, and for me that was really expressed in a lot of bad habits around being tuned out and overeating and that kind of thing — but I had those experiences under my belt at least, along with the ripple chips and onion dip.

After I met my husband and married though, I started a slow weight gain that continued through my 20s. I’d like to blame his cooking but the fact was that aside from my one saving grace of loving to walk, I didn’t have any good fitness habits that didn’t revolve around showing up at camp. And since I wasn’t showing up…at 30 I found myself at a size 16 and pretty dreadfully out of shape. I hired a personal trainer named Cindy.

Cindy made me work. Free weights, lunges, step aerobics: You name it, we did it. She helped me believe in myself again as far as strength goes. I went down to a size 12 and started feeling much better about myself; I also formed a gym habit which did come and go a little bit (and I was never as close to as fit as many of the really cool women we profile at More). But it stuck well enough.

That’s the most fit and happy with my body I’ve been. Carl and I reformed our diet and bought a canoe and things were going great.

Then I had my daughter. I could not believe that an entire person came out of my body! Wow! But I also could not believe what that process did to my body. And before I really got a handle on that, I got pregnant again with my son and if I’d thought I’d seen stretch marks and sagging before, that was nothing compared to post-partum body #2. At least the one-year maternity leave gave me lots of time to walk and even brave the gym again.

Except…I never really got brave about it. I felt alien in my body again. I also felt guilty being away from my child (even though I know a healthy parent is important.) And I lost my workout mojo. Two and a half years ago. Ahem.

So I find myself turning 40 where I found myself turning 30: Out of shape! With bad health habits! A size 14 - and only in the forgiving vanity size loving stores.

And part of getting to midlife has also been to realize that it really, really does matter. One of my friends has had a cardiac event. I know, as all of you know, that the risk for many of the things that can really make aging lousy - diabetes, stroke, heart attack - can be lowered with healthy eating and physical activity. I want a healthy lifestyle, and know the only enemy is me.

So I’m getting back to the gym. I’m still suffering some laziness. (I’m going to try this workout. And lots of things I will be reporting on.)

I also have just now said “yes” to Weight Watchers here at work. I have some mixed feelings about that because I’m not a huge fan of diets, and also because I really want to stay focused on fitness and not on weight loss. But I also think that I need some motivation and to re-learn portion control and - hey, I said I would say yes this year. I said yes! I will keep you posted on my thoughts about that as I go through the process.

What’s your fitness and health journey been? Any tips or tricks? Any thoughts? I promise not all posts will be this long.

In the spirit of “just doing it” I will post about how my work-life balancing act was blown last week.

My son had emergency surgery for a perforated appendix, which was scary enough on its own. (He is home now and recovering really well.) But it also meant that my husband and I had to go back to Toronto’s Sick Kids Hospital, which was where my daughter died, and so I found myself with a lot of really tough feelings.

In the past, I probably would have stuck with work a bit longer and stayed up later into the night trying to balance things. But I have learned a little something about that as I get older. First of all, I really am not as able to think when I’m tired as I used to be.

Second, I am not as essential as I hope I am; other people really can do my job, at least in a pinch.

And third, I have learned that eventually most everyone will have a life crisis that impacts her work.

With these things in mind, I did focus on my son until Monday and then worked in a reduced schedule kind of way this week. I did cry at work, but only once. Everyone here was amazingly supportive.

What have you learned about crises at work? What should I keep in mind going forward?