Drew Curtis' FARK.com

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Wed May 25, 2011

Source	Fark Headline		Comments
		U.S. Transportation Secretary shows up in huge SUV to unveil new fuel economy stickers (jalopnik.com)	(18)
		Semi carrying rubbing alcohol overturns; accident cleans itself up (kmov.com)	(34)
		"There's never a need for a Pap smear at 30,000 feet." And other tales of emergency medicine on flights (nytimes.com)	(63)
		Udder pandemonium reigns when dairy queen reveals she's lactose intolerant (seattlepi.com)	(45)
		Good start to the day: grabbing your newspaper off the porch and making some coffee. Bad followup: having the cops call to tell you not to do that again, because they need to shoot the mountain lion sleeping on said porch (helenair.com)	(61)
(Some Guy)		Tornadoes spotted near Bono, Arkansas. The Edge on edge. This is your Wednesday stormwatch thread. Stay safe, everybody (kait8.com)	(331)
		Not news: Overly demanding tennis parent. Fark: Overly demanding special olympics tennis parent (metrowestdailynews.com)	(34)
		Dozens of Florida schools lack art, music teachers. Probably because of mandatory drug testing requirements (orlandosentinel.com)	(55)
(CBS Local)		Shelter dog that lost foot gets the chance to walk on all fours again. HE CAN MAKE IT ON HIS OWN 'CAUSE HE'S GOT THE HEART OF A CHAMPION (denver.cbslocal.com)	(29)
		MSNBC yeller Ed Schultz is likely done after calling a radio host a "right wing slut" (tpmdc.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(235)
(KDGE Dallas)		Men burglarizing house collect all of the guns--except for one (kdge.com)	(137)
		Six things nobody tells you about owning a motorcycle (cracked.com)	(213)
		Photoshope this olde towne square (fark.com)	(22)
		Feds: If you try to stop the TSA from touching your junk, Texas will become a no-fly zone (rawstory.com)	(231)
(wsmv.com)		As if cicadas weren't annoying enough as it is, their hisses could be dangerous to your hearing (wsmv.com)	(37)
		It can be stressful doing time in a Mexican jail. But the beer, vodka, tequila, heroin, and billiard tables help (azcentral.com)	(19)
		Arizona shooter Jared Loughner found not competent to stand trial. I'm just as surprised as you are (seattlepi.com)	(194)
(Some Guy)		Powertools recalled due to spillage potential. Your mom unavailable for comment (y100.com)	(11)
(Some Guy)		It says a lot about our society when a school has to remind parents to show some decency and not show up at their kids' bus stop wearing pyjamas (gazettelive.co.uk)	(83)
		ROFLMFAO, no, really (thesun.co.uk)	(49)
		Obama says the US-UK relationship is enduring, as evidenced by the American media's week-long jerk-off session with the royal wedding (news.yahoo.com)	(34)
		After solving the riddle for cats, scientists have finally figured out the next greatest mystery plaguing mankind: how dogs drink water (csmonitor.com)	(32)
		Horse turned away from McDonald's drive thru. Later accepted at the Deliveries door (bbc.co.uk)	(25)
		"There's an ugly-ass baby owl on my bike" (jalopnik.com)	(74)
(Pat's Papers)		GPS treasure hunter is able to remember his exact coordinates and give them to rescuers after a boulder crushes him. But he can't remember his age (patspapers.com)	(32)
		CDC releases report on measles outbreaks. In case you wondered how hard the U.S. got trolled by Jenny McCarthy (boingboing.net)	(141)
		"Hey, Twitchy. What, you got ants in your pants?" "No, caffeine and shea butter." "Oh, I see......wait, what?" (clickondetroit.com)	(18)
		News: school cop who had been reprimanded 12 times and suspended four shoots and kills unarmed student. Fark: he's still employed (mysanantonio.com)	(230)
		Every minute, 48 hours of video are uploaded to Youtube, 47.7 of those hours being 13-year-old girls lip-syncing to Lady Gaga songs (physorg.com)	(67)
		The city of Austin is cancelling a theater in the park showing of Napoleon Dynamite after the Mayor's Committee for People with Disabilities complained about an offensive word. That's just f*cking retarded (statesman.com)	(94)
(Life Inc)		Writer opines that "Journalism Degree Most Useless". Irony tag explodes upon contact (lifeinc.today.com)	(100)
		The moral here is that false morels are dangerous morels (detnews.com)	(37)
		Babysitter busted for feeding three kids toast covered with I Can't Believe It's Not Oregano (cnews.canoe.ca)	(36)
		Man's wife calls 911 after he finds an overly aggressive cougar in the garage (pe.com)	(47)
		Government IT guys: "To the cloud...whatever that means" (govtech.com)	(160)
		Hand-wringers warn computer games and cell phones put children at risk for joint pain (myfoxdc.com)	(51)
(Some Farm Guy)		In response to numerous tapes of animals being abused and mistreated at farms being leaked to the media, Iowa is finally going to criminalize this outrageous practice (of secretly recording animal abuse) (globegazette.com)	(102)
(Just a Rash)		For those of you who want a little head, the Patron Saint of Genital Disease's head is for sale. Cool tag because there isn't an itchy and inflamed tag (naturalplane.blogspot.com)	(21)
		Getting caught in a speed trap can raise your car insurance rate up 53% (finance.yahoo.com)	(150)
(I'll tumble for ya)		Fleeing escapee catches some static from police who find him hiding in a dryer (wmur.com)	(21)
(WTAP)		How many points are a '96 Cadillac, a '10 Explorer, one other vehicle, a utility pole, a speed limit sign, two parking signs, a tree, and a house worth? (wtap.com)	(43)
		The case-please hear me out-against the em dash (slate.com)	(105)
(Some Guy)		Teachers losing their jobs? Check. Budget slashed? Check. Overcrowded classrooms with little or no teaching supplies? Check. New iPads for school administrators? Check. Wait, what? (ktnv.com)	(139)
(Some Guy)		Alaska seeks more ▇▇▇ to ▇▇▇▇▇ Palin's emails, get more Sharpies (big1059.com)	(87)
(Some Guy)		FEMA declares its newest disaster area: Eric Cantor (borowitzreport.com)	(61)
(Fayetteville Observer)		If you're going to rob someone, make sure their 15 armed and angry family members arean't within shouting distance. Hospitalarity ensues (fayobserver.com)	(131)
		What do you do when you're in a space suit 220 miles up, on a space walk, and something gets in your eye? "Oh, boy" (hosted.ap.org)	(82)
(Some Guy)		Police: "What? He's accidentally smashed your greenhouse window?" Woman: "Yes" Police: Dispatch the chopper (swns.com)	(59)
(Some Guy)		Park's new "Dinosaurs Alive" exhibit opens early as "Dinosaur Afire" (wlwt.com)	(27)
(Some Dentist)		Today's "dentist arrested after getting into fisticuffs with an 87-year-old woman over painful dentures" story brought to you by Deltona (wtsp.com)	(26)
		Family member asks New York Times to correct to guy's obituary. NYT does some fact checking and issues the corrections, 112 years after it was first published (cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com)	(13)
		Woman answers online job ad and gets sexually assaulted. Gets hired and sexually assaulted a second time and finally goes to the police (thestar.com)	(90)
		Grimsvotn volcano in Iceland stops spewing ash, wants to cuddle (msnbc.msn.com)	(8)
(Mohave Daily News)		"Yes, I am farked up," said the $190,000-a-year City Attorney who crashed her Lexus after downing a liter and a half of Chardonnay (mohavedailynews.com)	(53)
		Skate and/or Die (latimesblogs.latimes.com)	(64)
		Mexican tanks: From an American company, assembled in Canada (with pic of what a Mexican tank might look like) (news.blogs.cnn.com)	(84)
(ZimEye)		Beauty pageant's "Miss Personality" loses her title after politicians find out it doesn't mean she'll sleep with them (zimeye.org)	(55)
		Fire at funeral home leaves dozens dead (bbc.co.uk)	(26)
		Promising new Alzheimer's drug goes for major clinical trial, patients divided into three groups: test group, control group, and "forgot to take my pills" group (heraldtribune.com)	(36)
(Plank you very much)		If you are wondering why people everywhere are randomly laying prone in odd places, today is "National Planking Day." LGT gallery of cute chicks planking their way around Tampa (tampabay.metromix.com)	(258)
		Photoshop these workers working their way up (msnbcmedia.msn.com)	(18)
		Vuvuzelas discovered to not only annoy large amounts of people, but also spread germs to a large numBZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT (wired.com)	(100)
		Surprisingly the facial hair game is not very lucrative (torontosun.com)	(40)
		'Brass nipple'. 'Compressed air'. 'Pierced the flesh of his left buttock'. You do the math (3news.co.nz)	(88)
(Some Arena)		Photoshop this frisbee fanatic (bigpicture.ru)	(31)
		Woman splits on her 9-month old son, leaving him alone to go bowling. If her life wasn't in the gutter before it's about to be (blog.al.com)	(101)
		Woman spearheading attempt to get all clowns licenced. Because if anyone knows funny, it's the government (thestar.com)	(96)
		I scream, you scream, we all scream, especially the man selling the ice cream (3news.co.nz)	(51)
		More than 200 concerned citizens pack a city council meeting in Cordova, Alabama. The issue: A proposed ban on single-wide trailers (blog.al.com)	(115)

Tue May 24, 2011

	It's a sure sign of spring when the waters of New York's harbor and rivers begin to warm and bodies start floating to the surface (myfoxny.com)	(42)
	Ex-IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn's pals try to buy off the accusing maid's impoverished family in West Africa to make the case go away, and it looks like they just may succeed (nypost.com)	(313)
	Group trashes Dunkin' Donuts. This never would have happened under the watchful eye of Fred the Baker (upi.com)	(152)
	19-year-old survives 90-foot fall. The sunbed is there (thesun.co.uk)	(31)
	Duggar family helps victims of Joplin tornados, plans on offering a few of their children and grandchildren as replacements to families that lost loved ones (people.com)	(90)
	Charges dismissed. You are free to go (to prison for five years) (gothamist.com)	(83)
	Woman attacked by man with swim noodle after an incident involving a rotten watermelon. Just another day in Florida (upi.com)	(25)
	Texas police officer caught cheating at Rock, Paper, Scissors (star-telegram.com)	(91)
	Woman pleads guilty to feeding her 7-year-old daughter chicken. That's outrageo... chicken heart? Well, many cultures value animal parts that we don't normally... raw, from a bloody, ritual sacrifice... eff that, I'm outta here (nj.com)	(78)
(NCBuy.com)	Chickity farmer of Chinese chicken, gives 'em all specs so the hens keep kicking (ncbuy.com)	(59)
	Census data tells college students what their majors are worth; arts majors find the report melancholy, head out to Starbucks for another latte (msnbc.msn.com)	(139)
	Hey, ump: When you track down and beat up the guy who stole your iPhone, make sure you didn't actually leave it in the snack shack (nj.com)	(19)
	The Empire is one of the most dangerous places to be a pedestrian, stormtrooper (latimesblogs.latimes.com)	(60)
	Man steals condoms. This is where the rubber meets the rude (ajc.com)	(15)
	In 2006 a big chunk of concrete fell from Big Dig ceiling. In 2010, a big chunk of aluminum. In 2011, a big chunk of foam. I suppose that's progress (news.bostonherald.com)	(52)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this surveyor (azwater.gov)	(32)
(Some Guy)	WHO drafts plan to make sure the kids are alright (939mia.com)	(41)
	FBI recovers stolen rare Ferrari F50, kept it for an "ongoing investigation" then took it for a "short ride" and wrecked it. Now they refuse to pay for damages. Ta Da (seattletimes.nwsource.com)	(195)
	Twitter helps woman get her stolen bike back, thanks to just under 140 characters (thedenverchannel.com)	(23)
(Some Guy)	"Dear FBI, I have a master plan to have Barack Obama killed and this plan is fool proof. Love, Inmate #7644-567" (939mia.com)	(56)
	This is nothing to yolk about. 15-year-old girl in critical condition after scrambling to leave after egging a house (ktla.com)	(254)
(Some Guy)	God hates Oklahoma: 1/2 mile wide tornado just crossed I-40 near El Reno (kfor.com)	(746)
(Some Guy)	"Casey Anthony didn't kill her daughter Caylee with duct-tape and throw her in the woods... she uhh..uh... DROWNED...yeah, that's the ticket" (610wiod.com)	(161)
(GovWin)	Good news: Over the past 3 years, only 191 dead people have gotten replacement Social Security cards (govwin.com)	(56)
(kjct8.com)	Drilling near nuclear site fails to get glowing response (kjct8.com)	(9)
	Your partypooper article of the day: Slate columnist thinks watching movies in the park is lame (slate.com)	(97)
(Some Guy)	News: Teacher arrested for helping students get high. Fark: With chloroform (mercedsunstar.com)	(30)
	Best excuse for refusing the "walk a straight line" field sobriety test: a.) I'm on cold medication. b.) Hell, I couldn't do that if I was sober. c). I have a prosthetic leg (nj.com)	(54)
	Woman tries to sell daughter's virginity for $10k. In subby's day, all it took was a couple beers (wlsam.com)	(145)
(Some Guy)	The economy is improving, if you base it on wine sales at Morton's Steakhouse in San Antonio (mega949.com)	(49)
	Cooked sheep meat in red gravy confiscated from Ethiopian traveler at Dulles Airport, even though he did bring enough for everybody (washingtonpost.com)	(58)
	And now, the story of a 45-year-old woman who had her brain reformatted when she was twenty two (gizmodo.com)	(154)
	Some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 5/15 - 5/21 (fark.com)	(19)
	A Danish with Marmite or Vegemite is now illegal, as it should be (dailymail.co.uk)	(68)
	When you see the phrases "snake hunt" and "went horribly wrong" in the same story, you know you're in for quite a ride (news.com.au)	(45)
	Tennis players don't like playing with French balls (online.wsj.com)	(19)
	Kids target Dr. Robotnik's ban on hedgehogs (mcall.com)	(32)
	Actual headline: "Drunk parrots acting up and falling out of the sky in Australia (again)" (metro.co.uk)	(27)
	Quick-release asprin on sale today, quick-release ulcer study tomorrow (reuters.com)	(25)
	These dogs probably have nicer homes than you (dailymail.co.uk)	(21)
	Sissy, a blind 15-year-old quarter horse, has a new home at the Deer Haven Ranch animal shelter, but she came with a lot of baggage - five goats and five sheep - because they take care of her and feed her (courant.com)	(35)
	Chinese dog nurses ugly ass baby ligers after mom refuses. You read that right (cbsnews.com)	(32)
	Men, are the happy go-lucky type? Always smiling? Cheerful? Well, you're going to single forever and women don't find you attractive (dailymail.co.uk)	(407)
(Some Guy)	High school student charged with felony after putting staples in teacher's coffee. That was easy (wric.com)	(45)
	Behold the power of Fark: Appeal to help college kids rescue animals puts them in the running for $500,000 grant. Thank you (and vote if you haven't). DIT, LGT original thread (fark.com)	(39)
	Animal rights groups outraged after South Korea allows fur in Fendi fashion show, raising the question as to whether animals have Seouls (canada.com)	(36)
	The first rule of Prayer Group Fight Club is you do not talk about Prayer Group Fight Club (myfoxny.com)	(52)
	One dead, one critical after police dog the bounty hunters (jacksonville.com)	(63)
(Some Guy)	The newest police tool for taping searches - sunglasses cameras. Guess they want to try and record any....shady behavior. YEEEEEEEEAAAAAHHH (newsnet5.com)	(79)
(YNet)	Man assaults girlfriend after she ridicules size of his penis. Too bad she wasn't able to beat him off (ynetnews.com)	(323)
	Ford develops car seats that could provide warnings before a driver has a heart attack. OOOHHHH YEEEEAAH (usatoday.com)	(40)
	Arizona plans border fence, requests more money since they already went broke purchasing boot straps (csmonitor.com)	(146)
(Some Guy)	Popeye's manager gladly makes the news on Tuesday for fondling underage employees today (nbcphiladelphia.com)	(55)
	Washington Post article explores the reason we're having so many devastating F4 and F5 tornadoes this year; makes it 11 paragraphs before mentioning "climate change" (washingtonpost.com)	(231)
	Harold Camping may not be doing God's work, but he's certainly helping out Darwin (news.yahoo.com)	(195)
(Norwich Bulletin)	Police officer finds missing Connecticut girl attached to the foot lodged in his groin (norwichbulletin.com)	(48)
	If you own a billboard in Dayton, Ohio available for rent, and don't mind microwaved babies, please call PETA (daytondailynews.com)	(101)
	‼emoh s'yentraCcM luaP raen dnuof esproc sseldaeH (starpulse.com)	(120)
	Some people write extensive resumes, and some people write this (huffingtonpost.com)	(140)
	When shooting an AR-15 rifle, make sure the target isn't in your bedroom closet. That way, if you miss you won't blow holes in the washing machine, flood your house and have to explain your drunk self to the cops (blogs.tcpalm.com)	(93)
(Some Guy)	Scientists propose installing an equatorial trench around our moon. Hopefully a one meter exhaust port will not be included (geeksaresexy.net)	(180)
	Ihr Hund wünscht Steak (telegraph.co.uk)	(32)
(Some Travelers)	Photoshop these free spirits (i466.photobucket.com)	(20)
	Fox News takes a fair and balanced look at whether freedom-loving 'mericans should be forced to send untold billions of Freedom Dollars to mooslem ter'rist countries (politics.blogs.foxnews.com)	(188)
(Some Guy)	Man stages topless protest to demand his parrot back after officials took it away from him because he filmed the bird grasping to his windshield wipers as he drove down the highway. This happened in Australia, the Florida of continents (heraldsun.com.au)	(60)
(Some Guy)	KY Pastor accused of having sex with young girl from his church. Astroglide Priest unavailable for comment (wbir.com)	(115)
	I always knew the machines would come for us, but never did I think a lawnmower would be the first to strike (startribune.com)	(62)
(Some Guy)	Armed robbery of Radio Shack yields $23.57, 3 cordless phones, 20 feet of speaker wire, a handful of BNC connectors and an undisclosed number of 9 volt batteries (sacramento.cbslocal.com)	(143)
	Two men involved in donut shop stabbing arrested by police using cruller ID (ktla.com)	(16)
	It's a simple question, really. Would you hunt a wild boar using only a handmade spear? (mnn.com)	(245)
	Woman rips a man's shirt off , tries to hit him in the head with a shovel, and throws a cup at him. We're all grieving Randy Savage's death differently (nwfdailynews.com)	(33)
	Female softball umpire accused of getting into the minors (palmbeachpost.com)	(105)
	Personal photos from a man who lives less than six blocks from where the Missouri tornado hit hardest (flickr.com)	(60)
(Durango Herald)	Man gets 60 days in jail for having a sh*t eating grin (durangoherald.com)	(56)
	Old & busted: Super-sizing. New hotness: Mini-sizing (consumerist.com)	(92)
	Mark Kelly doesn't always pilot the space shuttle 5 months after his US Representative wife is shot in the head in a mass shooting, but when he does, he gets on his space-phone and calls up the classmates of shooting victim Christina Green (cbsnews.com)	(45)
(Some Guy)	No matter how much you hate your job, just be glad your boss hasn't forced you to wear a flea collar. Yet (heraldsun.com.au)	(27)
	"Intoxicated woman caught trying to get inside stranger's husband" (nwfdailynews.com)	(32)
	Ash to cancel up to 500 flights. There's an Evil Dead joke in there somewhere (google.com)	(48)
	Is anti-white bias a problem? (nytimes.com)	(458)
(Joplin Globe)	Joplin High School seniors went from graduation into the teeth of a tornado. And your graduate worries about the job market (joplinglobe.com)	(33)
	DC's five-month-old National Pinball Museum will go tilts up in July (washingtonpost.com)	(103)
	Photoshop this ball within a ball (spiegel.de)	(23)
	Canadian woman sues nightclub after being denied entry for wearing moccasins. Her lawyer successfully argues that there's dignity in de feet (torontosun.com)	(44)
(Weather.com)	"The ingredients are in place for a classic Plains tornado outbreak Tuesday" (wwworigin.weather.com)	(33)
	Apocalypse later (news.yahoo.com)	(175)
	That overseas call center with the employees named Adam & Jill? Soon it really will be Dakota & Jayden (dailymail.co.uk)	(57)
	Mom rescues 20-year-old son from pooping, upholstery-wrecking groundhog (pennlive.com)	(29)
	TIFF over beer leads to stabbing. At least it wasn't a JPEG over lite beer (orlandosentinel.com)	(48)
	Man arrested after his mom sets off his explosives in backyard tool shed, charged with making destructive device, impersonating Larry Fine (firstcoastnews.com)	(31)
(Some Guy)	Ahmadinejad talks about western abuse of women to auditorium full of sacks (english.farsnews.com)	(192)