Grapes and wrath.
Folded:
Creased:
With The X Factor about to hit US shores (brace yourselves Americans – you won’t know what’s hit you once it gets going), every single celebrity – alive and dead – has been linked to the chairs of the judging panel.
Of course, this is all great news for Simon Cowell, who is so needy for the world’s attention, that once, he appeared on a children’s show dressed up as the world’s poshest super hero canine.
And someone else who likes to hang around with cartoon domesticated pets is Paula Abdul who has also been linked to The X Factor, which has delighted her eight fans and thrilled those who enjoyed her erratic appearances on American Idol.
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Levi Johnston is the master of the art of trolling. It appears his sole aim in life is to annoy supreme pencil neck, Sarah Palin, ’til she reaches the point of explosion. Of course, when she finally KABOOMS, the sky will be thick with impotent rage and garbled words spelled out like the sky has been attacked by a dyslexic skywriter.
Better yet, is that Palin can’t really do much about it because Levi is the father to her grandson. He’s always going to be part of the Palin family.
So imagine the next time they awkwardly meet up, when Levi announces that he’s writing a tell-all book about Palin and her mental, trigger happy family!
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Here at hecklerspray, we take stalking very seriously indeed. So seriously in fact, we spend all of our bingo winnings on really hi-tech night vision goggles making sure all those celebrities are safe from harm while undressing in front of their bedroom windows at night.
However, in the days before Tom Cruise was the only slightly sinister man to follow Nicole Kidman around, she has revealed that she was once stalked as a teenager.
This wouldn’t have happened on our watch.
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The death of Michael Jackson was one of those moments where, in future years, people will ask each other what they were doing. In the hecklerspray bedsit, we were knocking back a drink made out of orange peel, toe jam and window condensation whilst trying to come up with amusing jokes. We’ve only accomplished one of the above.
Since Jacko stopped living, it appears that the only people mourning the king of pop’s life are his children who have been unwillingly propelled in to the limelight. However, a bunch of his fans keep his spirit alive by continually telling us he’s the greatest and all modern music is rubbish.
However, it is in the court room that many see Jackson, thanks to constant accusations that tarnished his reputation beyond repair. And now, oddly, images of Jackson’s genitals have been requested for the impending trial of Dr Conrad Murray. We imagine it’ll resemble a pale, thin sausage in a jar.
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Katie Price loves horses. This is mainly because they don’t talk back to her or give her hassle about her terrifying face, which has been manufactured by the world’s worst plastic surgeons, determined to make her look like a Hubba Bubba/gallstone hybrid.
However, she has had some trouble with horses, notably the ones that the wheels of her car crushed to death!
That’s right! The Artist Formerly Known As Peter Andre’s Wife has been involved in a car crash that killed two runaway stallions. The tragic news is that the former Jordan has got whiplash.
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We hope you all enjoyed Easter. But if you had to sit through the massively dispiriting ‘Hop’ you probably haven’t.
We here at hecklerspray hate Russell Brand as much as the next man. We despise the huge gummy gap between his teeth and his top lip, we hate his misguided belief that ex-junkies are interesting (they aren’t, no matter how much they go on about it, as they always do) and we hate his hair and the way he currently smells.
But what sickens us most is that he has lent his charmless presence to an Easter-themed film that this writer has been forced to watch.
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Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, ancient artifacts, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.
What’s the scariest thing you can think of? If you said Mof Gimmers in a silk nightie we don’t blame you. You’re wrong though. What would be far scarier than that is a man morphing into a pig then morphing into a bat right in front of your freaking eyes. You don’t think that sounds scary? Well what if we told you the bat would fly up your butt then start the whole process again. Scary, right?
We thought so.
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Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, ancient artifacts, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable. What’s the scariest thing you can think of? If you said Mof Gimmers in a silk nightie we don’t blame you. You’re [...]
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