reproduction (&/of) feminist self-critque

source supposed reasons for lack of menstruation (and therefore ovulation & conception?)
i recently made the decision to start taking the pill. at 23, i am probably quite old in comparison to some young girls in the uk who begin to take hormonal contraceptives at age 16 and onwards. when i begin, this will be the first time i have used something other than condoms alone as contraception.

a lot of this is to do with a rather old-fashioned notion of purity -- i didn't want 'artificial' hormones to be affecting the 'natural' cycle of my periods. i am aware, this view seems to conflict remarkably with my feminist politics -- the idea of a 'pure' womanhood which will be disrupted by hormonal control seems to be a profoundly sexist one. after all, i'm sure (although i own up to not having done sufficient historical research, sorry guys) that the idea the pill disrupts the purity of one's womanhood was used by conservatives to argue against it. god forbid that a couple, and more specifically a woman, enjoy sex, and have sex for its own sake, rather than good old-fashioned reproduction. furthermore, the pill gave women control over conception, contraception gave women their education & employment (as they could choose when - or if - they had children), and the social & cultural impact of the pill is widely documented and acknowledged.



sourcewater massages to 'treat' hysteria, bringing about 'hysterical paroxysm' (or, an orgasm)
so why then, this internal resistance of mine to the idea of hormonal contraception? the notion of female 'hysteria' is one of a gender-specific madness, which has very ancient origins. there was the idea that hysteria was caused by a 'wandering' uterus, looking for its rightful place within a woman's body. the 'symptoms' of hysteria were wide-ranging, and hysteria was generally ascribed to any woman who was unwell, for reasons unknown, or who was un-well in behaving sufficiently 'womanly'. (wikipedia cites maines, who notes that 'a tendency to cause trouble' is one such symtom of hysteria; i should probably note that facts are lifted here and there from that great internet resources in this blogpost, and indeed, throughout this blog').

hysteria was sometimes treated by 'pelvic massage' in order to bring about hysterical paroxysm, or, in other words, an orgasm. hysteria, (i first came across this concept when i was quite young, through the film the road to wellville). in other words, was the pathologisation of a woman's sexuality, and indeed, of womanhood more generally.

to me, hormonal contraception (illogically & irrationally perhaps) can seem like a way of 'pathologising' the female. i suppose this is partly because, although i do have difficult periods, i view them as something kind of cool (note that i find rashes & most bodily functions cool too, so...), and maybe even worth celebrating. i remember eagerly anticipating my period whilst going through puberty: after all, it meant that i was finally a 'woman'! periods, in other words, are closely tied up to my idea of 'what it means to be a woman', even though this biological definition isn't something that i mentally ascribe to, emotionally it holds a lot of weight for me still, having grown up with difficulty negotiating gender norms. (i knew i was never going to be 'womanly' enough, because in postcolonial hong kong, this - to my mind - also included being white; but i still desperately wanted to be, aware that i was of the social rewards and acceptance this would grant me). and so, hysteria is particularly relevant to my case now.

this is because it's not even quite for reasons of contraception that i am considering this. i started taking antidepressants for depression & anxiety after the assault. i am taking sertraline, and the drug leaflets that came with one particular brand of box (american, i think; the brand i take differs depending on whatever the pharmacy has in stock, which varies according to availability, i imagine -- once there was a 'shortage' due to manufacturing issues, apparently) stated that it was sometimes used to treat something called premenstrual dysphoric disorder, abbreviated to pmdd.

further investigation led me to this rather useful website, which describes pmdd as "a condition associated with severe emotional and physical problems that are linked closely to the menstrual cycle". it comes and goes (and i'm sure there are other contributing factors) but at its worst, i get very depressed, cry for no reason, have difficulty sleeping,  feel a very specific type of tired (heaviness) that i only ever get when i have my period, and, the most contentious thing perhaps - . at its worst, i have possibly all if not ten out of the eleven listed symptoms on the aforementioned website. 

All of the symptoms need not be present and they may vary from month to month. At least 5 are required to make the diagnosis, including at least one of the first four.*

1. Very depressed mood, feeling hopeless
2. Marked anxiety, tension, edginess
3. Sudden mood shifts (crying easily, extreme sensitivity)
4. Persistent, marked irritability, anger, increased conflicts
5. Loss of interest in usual activities work, school, socializing
6. Difficulty concentrating and staying focused
7. Fatigue, tiredness, loss of energy
8. Marked appetite change, overeating, food cravings
9. Insomnia (difficulty sleeping) or sleeping too much
10. Feeling out of control or overwhelmed
11. Physical symptoms such as weight gain, bloating, breast tenderness or swelling, headache, and muscle or joint aches and pains

the website suggests that the contraceptive pill is also sometimes used to treat pmdd. and, after months of debating, i've decided to try it out -- my reasoning being that even if it doesn't help (i'm not sure the sertraline has), i will at least be able to regulate my periods & therefore anticipate moodswings etc. with better ease.



source"christ's wandering uterus"female hysteria, caused by the wandering womb seeking its proper place.
so, in the end, like hysteria, there are links with here mental health too.

i am not even entirely sure i emotionally believe in pmdd (which i have described to my friends as extreme pms). or at least, i don't believe in pmdd in relation to me. if a friend told me they had it, i would not doubt them, but with respect to myself... i find it difficult to imagine where the line between pms and pmdd is. is it a matter of not taking myself & my health seriously enough? certainly, the symptoms match up to mine, and more than one close friend has agreed with me that it seems possible. (my doctor's lack of interest, on the other hand, put me off somewhat).  i suppose, at the end of the day, the extent to which the symptoms affect how one lives one's life, to what extent it is a disruption

this is also how one can consider mental health issues. often, the characteristics of mental health issues seem to be to characteristics in mentally 'healthy' people, but are taken to an extreme, and an extreme where these behaviours become disruptive to their lives. for example, we all get down from time to time, and people commonly use the term 'depressed' but looking back now at my deeper depression, i can recall a time when the effort of getting out of bed, and even taking my own medication, seem to be a significant amount of effort which i didn't bother to make. this is what makes it seemingly difficult for people to understand as mental health an important issue.

and, certainly, it is only after having taken antidepressants for a considerable amount of time that i have been open to taking the pill for this reason, partly.i do, to an extent, value aspects of my possible pmdd -- to be able to feel things that deeply, and strongly, even pain is something that i consider valuable. and again, i have  that is another common trope of that those with mental health issues express. some people who are bipolar, for example, often refuse to medicate they value their 'manic' episodes. (i should point out my observations are merely anecdotal).

having said all that, someone close to me had an ovarian cyst in the past couple years; it was large enough to make her look pregnant. it, along with an ovary, had to be surgically removed. said someone started taking the pill, because the pill apparently can helps with preventing cysts.

so, perhaps my problem is that i am all too much separating my body and mind? i'm not sure. when i was asking a close friend of mine about his mental health, he spoke of it as predominantly genetic. mental illness was extremely common in his family; and in mine too, i undoubtedly have a predisposition.

i'll have to think (and bleed!) on it more, and perhaps wait for my heart to catch up with my head? (that old separation again...)

&

also, see lok's post on the issue.

current affairs

as for DSK, i don't even know where to begin with what to say. i have actually avoided the story somewhat as i fear it'll upset me. in any case, i wanted to point you all here, my tumblr, if you are interested in reading me work through issues surrounding coping with the assault.

some like it old fashioned

(reposted after being deleted by blogger; thanks iain for the RSS copy!)


often, when i watch old movies (by old i generally black & white films, of the studios era of hollywood), i often expect there to be some sort of radical social truth in the film. i'm not sure why this is so. certainly, the pacing & plot of these films are radically different to what we're used to, and i suppose i assume that with this different form, so too, should there be different content.

so when i watched some like it hot (quite a long time ago now), i was a bit disappointed by ... i was shocked too, by marilyn monroe's outfits -- how, whilst always fully dressed, her outfits emphasised her breasts (and sometimes even nipples), and were sheer: that old seduction of covered up but still on show. suggestions of sex.

of course, it wasn't that i wasn't expecting this sort of - what we now consider to be relative old, and outmoded - sexism to be in a film of that era. the story, after all, focusses on how she is looking for a man (and a wealthy one at that). so, my disappointment and shock forced me to think a little.

the sort of sexism present in a film like some like it hot is easily dismissed as a sexism which .

also, to dismiss such sexism is indicative of not only an acceptance of it, but also a sort of nostalgia. think of how many girls idolise audrey hepburn. think of there is a sort of revival for the figure of 'gentleman' among young men (i can't think of a good example off hand - if i can expand on this thinking later, i will though). i think this nostalgia relates to the stability of gender roles in a bygone age.

the popularity of mad men, a brilliant brilliant show, is possibly attributable to this portrayal of gender role stability. but at the same time, it is brilliant precisely because it also explores the drawbacks and interiority of such supposed stability too.


the ending of some like it hot does have a socially radical ending of sorts. one of the two men who have been attempting to seduce marilyn monroe's character ends up accidentally attracting and seducing an elderly rich man whilst in drag. as the two drive off in a boat (possibly running away from someone? i forget; it's been a while), he reveals that he is in fact, a man. the elderly man is not fazed, even
seems, perhaps to have been aware of that fact -- and most importantly, still wants to be with the man in drag.

however, it is presented as comedy, as a joke. the man in drag is surprised, shocked; and the elderly man throughout has a harmless 'figure of fun' -- he is in effect, as dismissed in the way we may now may dismiss the 'old-fashioned' sexism as harmless. in this case, however, the dismissal masks a homophobia of sorts: look how amusing and ridiculous it is to be gay! but the two dismissals are similar in
that by making something 'harmless' we are also trying to downplay it.

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and just a passing thought while we're on the topic. a few years back i saw the remake of the day the earth stood still, at a time when i was reading lots of woolf. it seemed like a vaguely feminist scifi narrative: the alien manifests in flows and swarms, and takes on a monster form only in response to attacks, and does not attack independently. furthermore, there are 'strong' female characters in the form of the mother, and the vice president -- who acts on behalf of a not-present president.

at christmas i watched the original, wondering if there were similar strains and threads in it. not really, mostly your standard cold war scifi film. worth a watch regardless.

&
as an addendum to my previous post on egg waffle man: much institutional political support for ng yuk-fai stemmed from the fact that he claimed he did not claim social benefits, nor did he wish to. this, apparently turned out to be false. while for me, this doesn't make it any less sad that ng was arrested, in the hong kong media, i got the impression that this was considered to be a terrible thing. on a different day, i saw in the english-language paper, south china morning post, an article about how some american researcher or another gave a talk about how great hong kong was: citing how even though there are many people living poverty they refuse to be dependent on social welfare as an overwhelmingly and exclusively positive thing. i'm not sure this is so. ah, hong kong. crucible of capitalism. culture only matters when it costs.

heritage

 
graffiti in tin hau. sorry about the time stamp.
since i'm back in hong kong i thought it would be appropriate to write a post i intended to write the last time i was here (christmas). we visited the hong kong heritage museum and it was quite an interesting experience to experience a museum from hong kong's point of view. most of the art galleries i've been to are private ones, clearly with a view to sell. this museum is a government-run one, and the building to me seems pretty similar to any other building which is open t the public in hong kong -- possibly even like a modest shopping centre or block of offices. it was quite difficult to navigate as a museum, and the permanent exhibition relating to hong kng and its history was in a style akin to that of the permanent exhibition akin to field museum in chicago (which i wrote about here).

 


there were a couple of temporary exhibitions (which in terms of the building was in a more prominent place than the permanent ones). one which was brush beyond space: works of tong yang-tze, which relates a little to the topics in a previous post about writing. painting quotes taken from literature, this female calligrapher (generally calligarphers tend to be male i think?) . the words are not particularly legible as chinese (unreadable writing!), which raises the question: how recognisable are the paintings as chinese? the visual characteristics are familliar to me but i can't really read chinese. do you need to know they are abstracted chinese characters to appreciate them? just some fleeting questions.


a suitable life


a swan goose


copper seas


perfect form

&
another was temporary exhibition there that i enjoyed was city flaneur: social documentary photography. of particular note were the following:


source 
the megafauna series by (to use the museum's format for names; capitals denotes surname) CHEN kwong yeun, dick. it was presented as in a light box style (ie backlit) but due to the size of the image they looked a bit like billboards, which i thought apt given the subject of the photography.

 
source
from the city glow series byWAN chi chung, simon. layered images of billboards. the above photo is actually of a korean city, but the lit signage of hong kong is unique to it as a city, and i like the idea of multiple exposures laying them upon one another.

&


yesterday news of a street hawker (selling hong kong style egg waffles, and who is generally regarded affectionately by the general public) being arrested and the crowds who came to his defence has been in the hong kong papers. today there has already been official response (the health & food minister will try and arrange a permit so the streethawker is no longer arrested on for breach of food hygiene rules and many people have offered legal & financial support) due to the strong public reaction. i feel like there's a lot of interesting things to say about this, but i have yet to think upon it properly: the strict food hygiene laws is partly a result of avian flu and general hong kong hypochondria, street hawkers & street culture, the erosion of an 'old' style of living & the extent to which people are willing to protect it (or are selective in protecting it), the morality behind the story of a man who refuses to claim social benefits. there's a lot to consider. it's hard for me to articulate because a lot of my identity is tied up in hong kong, despite my relation being a complex and therefore confused one.

familial dystopia

i recently (finally) read we by zamyatin, after having it in my possession for over a year or so now. as with 1984, which it is said to have inspired, i kind of enjoyed the dystopian aspects of the novel much more than when the protagonists discover 'freedom', 'love' or their 'humanity' etc.



and so today on the bus on my way to surface, i was thinking about various things ongoing in my personal life. i am not particularly in favour of monogamy, as one of my previous posts possibly points to. (it is in fact the first part of an ma essay i wrote; i shall get round to editting and posting the rest soon so perhaps one can better understand my position -- should anyone so desire). however, non-monogamy in reality is a lot messier htan in principle. so anyway, somehow my thoughts led me to that old maxim of the family unit being, well, a unit of capitalism, the capitalist 'machine'. specifically, i suppose, it is means of furthering the human population whilst keeping it within its own ideology - mini-baby making machines. how then, is this different, from the dystopian world of we or indeed the fictional world of atwood's the handmaiden's tale? well, ultimately the difference is that in dystopian fiction, the ideology is very clear-cut and takes form in one of its most extreme manifestations.

maybe, then, i enjoy the early parts of dystopian novels because that is when that dystopian world is articulated and set. maybe i like it when the ideology are clearcut and reach their logical conclusion. even now, our undersatnding of 'the family' and family values has become much more complex complicated than that of hte 1950s household. real life is not a dystopia, but, rather much more messy - for better and worse.


&

i am out of practice with writing, so excuse me if this is jilted. also, i don't have anything interesting to say about the subject in relation to mad men. (all i have to say is i want it back on my screen soon, plz). so instead, let me end then with a few links i've found interesting lately, but haven't managed to articulate further thoughts on.

* this reddit "ask me anything" written by someone who is intersex was really interesting and i admire the original poster very much. (thanks, lok).
* i wanted to say something interesting about this and museums -- but what? i think further thoughts will have to be elaborated later. something to do with funfairs vs museums and interactivity and the like. (the blogger is dating the man who started improv everywhere).
* and finally this article (from quite a while back) on sxsw:

A related danger of the merging of online and offline life, says business thinker Tony Schwartz, is that we come to treat ourselves, in subtle ways, like computers. We drive ourselves to cope with ever-increasing workloads by working longer hours, sucking down coffee and spurning recuperation. But "we were not meant to operate as computers do," Schwartz says. "We are meant to pulse." When it comes to managing our own energy, he insists, we must replace a linear perspective with a cyclical one: "We live by the myth that the best way to get more work done is to work longer hours." Schwartz cites research suggesting that we should work in periods of no greater than 90 minutes before seeking rest. Whatever you might have been led to imagine by the seeping of digital culture into every aspect of daily life – and at times this week in Austin it was easy to forget this – you are not, ultimately, a computer.

 * edit also This Is My Porno Face: Reflections on Gender Performance and Power in Rock Music (via stephen)