It’s obvious to anyone who reads a newspaper that America is in desperate need of new pundits. The op-ed, once a hallowed institution of intellectual political thought, has been beseiged by idiots, celebrities, and senile old-guard journalists who are incapable of seeing the world around them or coming up with original ideas. Thus, we turn our eyes to a new generation: Andrew Pendergraft of The Andrew Show, a Web production from WhitePrideTV.com. Andrew is a pint-sized conservative who’s not afraid to actually say he’s racist. That’s pretty refreshing. We’ve compiled a video featuring some of his best political dogma, from his thoughts on Barack Obama and illegal immigrants to sex education in the nation’s schools. READ MORE »
- Michele Bachmann and Steve King stood up for the antebellum south, who have been totally ignored since that runaway Kenyan slave became president.
- Perfect virgin Bristol Palin memorized some new vocabulary words to defend her honor against the ruler of Dictionopolis, Keith Olbermann.
- The elite state of science reporting was threatened by ignorant bloggers who only care about Area 51 and Lizard Men.
- Wonkette’s newest feature, Wonkileaks, channeled the glorious Julian Assange to shine a cleansing light onto the shadowy world of Defense Department initialisms.
- Eric Cantor caught onto the gay agenda plot to destroy Christmas via the most dark-sided Antichrist mode of expression, art.
- America’s clementine, John Boehner, had a diaper-baby tantrum because depriving millionaires of their vacation yachts is the excrement of common domesticated fowl.
- Some sly money changers decided to build an ark in Kentucky of all places, using tax payer funds to fleece believers and heathens alike out of their hard-earned billionaire tax breaks.
With the news out today that the nation’s unemployment rate has hit its highest point in months, it was obviously the perfect occasion for the Obama administration to get out in the media and brag about how well they’re doing. Thus, Austan Goolsbee, chair of the Council of Economic Advisers, sat down with John Harwood to discuss the economy. So, has the administration made the right economic decisions in office, such as the stimulus it settled on? “I don’t know the answer to that for sure. There’s a bit of a crystal ball in that,” said Goolsbee. So the Obama administration admits it basically has no idea if it’s doing the right things with the economy. Great. READ MORE »
Sarah Palin has wished all American Jews a happy Hanukkah on Facebook, because all good Christians know being nice to Jews, despite them being wrong about Jesus, is how you earn special been-nice-to-Jews coupons you can spend in heaven. Most commenters understand this and tried to one-up one another with stories of how they honor this important (unimportant) Jew holiday. One was even kind enough to remind Palin of the fact that she is literally the modern-day Moses. But others weren’t too happy about all of this, because one is supposed to say “Merry Christmas” and nothing else ever. Let’s take a look at some of these festive comments. READ MORE »
Merry Jewmas, freaks! By “freaks” I of course mean “all Wonketteers,” not just the Jews. You see, this Season of Light has given me time to reflect that each and every one of you is a disgusting excuse for a carbon-based life form, regardless of which obscure imaginary desert god you pray to on the toilet. You know who is neither disgusting nor obscure? President Barack Obama! Let’s see what he was up to this week, while your soul sank ever-deeper into the mire. As usual, White House serial pornographic talkie West Wing Week will be our guide. READ MORE »
Hillary Clinton was in Bahrain today, and because we live in a period of history after her husband’s presidency and before her death (from that most feminist of diseases, breast cancer, we presume), somebody asked her if she was interested in running for president. And because Hillary Clinton has yet to become mentally ill from hearing the same question over and over, as people ignore her actual, present existence, she politely answered, and now the media has a brand-new “Hillary Clinton denies running for Obama job!” story. “I think I’ll serve as secretary of state as my last public position, and then probably go back to advocacy work, particularly on behalf of women and children,” she said. So, she’s going to run for president of the women and children? READ MORE »
Hey, it’s everyone’s favorite superhero, “The Palinman!” It’s that time again, when Sarah Palin fans have saved up enough Social Security to make their annual pilgrimage to sit outside a bookstore for days for the right to buy a book from that woman who is just like them except she’s on the teevee. Palinman, however, has the strength of ten pathetic Sarah Palin fans, so he is going to multiple signings to be with his brethren. READ MORE »
Hark! What’s that sound on the rooftop? Could it be sleigh bells? No, it’s the nation’s unemployment rate, here to bring us holiday cheer! The festive unemployment rate has received its “Christmas bonus” — increasing in November to 9.8%, a seven-month high — while only 39,000 new jobs were created. And most of those jobs were “in the form of temporary help”; in other words, toy-making jobs, which are given only to elf Americans and don’t provide benefits. It’s cute how the economy is so full of Christmas spirit. READ MORE »
- Remember when fragile Australian War Criminal Julian Assange allegedly raped two Swedish ladies? We confidently assumed these so-called ladies were actually just CIA drag queens causing mischief, but the Facts suggest otherwise: Julian Assange joyously finger-banged these two Swedes — and it was awesome and totally consensual — but Julian forgot to wear condoms on his fingertips, which is why Interpol needs to arrest him. (Somebody forgot to watch the saddest “wear a condom” PSA in Recorded Human History, featuring none other than Dancin’ Safe Sex Sensation Bristol Palin and that greasy guy from The Jersey Shore!) Apparently “consensual, unprotected sexytime WAIT A SECOND why didn’t you wear a condom?” is called “sex by surprise” in Sweden, and it is a war crime. READ MORE »
If we’re reading this correctly, the 2010 midterm elections just signed a book deal! Congrats, midterms! You deserve it. READ MORE »
Bristol Palin went on official Palin family blog “The Facebook” today to attack Keith Olbermann and rouse the pity of the conservative faithful, just as her mother would. Touching. Instead of using the standard teenager speak she and her sister usually employ on Facebook, however, she translated her message to Olbermann with some interesting selections from a thesaurus. “Accusing me of hypocrisy is by now, an old canard. What Mr. Olbermann lacks in originality he makes up for with insincere incredulity.” We have no idea what this means, but everyone run to Bristol’s aid, because this tiny dancer has been SLIGHTED by a BIG TEEVEE MAN. READ MORE »
The 52 members of Congress who sensed the strong, scooter-hitched pull of the Teabaggers enough to feel like they had to join Michele Bachmann’s dumb Teabagger Caucus have actually requested $1,049,783,150 in earmarks during the current Congress, according to Chuck Todd’s abandoned children. Yes, this is amusing because Teabaggers are supposed to hate earmarks and government spending. It turns out Bachmann herself has not attempted to earmark any funds at all in the past couple years, according to these figures, despite her penchant for inconsistency; she is probably in the process of cutting up the 36 members of her caucus who did and placing the them under the floorboard of her office. READ MORE »
Back in the day, the brave people who ate hot dogs in D.C. were only the tourists who purchased them from stands near the Mall, after a tiring day of erratically circling monuments and bumping into people. But these days are FINALLY over. While the rest of America is permanently starving/unemployed and chugs along on motorized scooters, no Washingtonian will ever have to eat these thin tubes of nitrates in such unfortunate conditions ever again: enter the gourmet hot dog restaurant. READ MORE »
