Who Heriocally Freed A Trapped Dwarf?

Answer: not the laughably gullible guy in our first story.  To give thanks this weekend, we thought we’d focus on the stories of people we should be thankful aren’t us, starting with the dwarf rescuer.  Joseph Jones, aged 73, received a phone call in his motel room in South Carolina from a man claiming to be motel’s manager. He claimed Jones would have to help remove security cameras from the room.  Jones followed instructions which included throwing the TV outside and breaking mirrors, but it gets stranger. The caller then told him a dwarf was trapped in the room next door and the police wanted Jones to break through the wall to get him out.  When the real police arrived, Jones had already broken through the wall to the other room (OH YEAH!) and when police attempted to speak to the caller, he said he had the wrong number.  Oh, no. You had the right number, new best friend.

Are You Thankful For Higher Prices?

I’m no Harvard-educated historian, but I like to think I know a thing or two about the origins of Thanksgiving. It all started back in 1776, when Benjamin Franklin and Paul Bunyun came to America from Africa aboard the Titanic. Yada, yada, yada, they scalped some tickets to a Detroit Lions game, everybody had some turkey, and the Native Americans opened some casinos. It’s undoubtedly one of the most perfect and beloved eras of this country’s fine history, but in recent years the joy of this holiday has been overshadowed by the pains of high prices. DAMN YOU, BIG CRANBERRY!!!

Are Android Phones Burning Books?

As the majority of Americans settle into their longest weekends of the year for Thanksgiving, the biggest celebrities and know-it-alls are making sure that we have plenty to read in our downtime as we digest ridiculous amounts of turducken, pumpkin pie, and good old American beer – just like the pilgrims. Jay Z’s book “Decoded” is earning rave reviews from hip hop fans, while fans of comedy can enjoy Adam Carolla’s “In 50 Years We’ll All Be Chicks” or Sarah Palin’s “America By Heart.” Now it’s just a matter of how you choose to read them.

Warren Buffett: Communist?

Warren Buffett is focused on what's in her hand. That's why he's rich, and you've got no shot with the girl.

You’d think the rich, of all people, would go for tax cuts.  Well, in one particular case, you’d be wrong! This and the TSA has finally inspired a new form of underwear.  Yes, it’s civil rights day at Uproxx News!

Millionaires are Communists, According to Right Wingers, Who Are Millionaires.  Wait, What?

First up, a bunch of millionaires are demonstrating that there is such a thing as too much money.  For those not familiar with the dynamic and exciting world of tax policy, we got the gist from Glenn Beck and Keith Olbermann: Republicans are currently arguing that tax cuts passed under George W. Bush should be kept because taxes are bad and government shouldn’t pay for things, so why should government have money?  Democrats are arguing that the rich are evil baby-eaters who can not stand to have one or two of their precious millions jerked away from their shooting-poor-people-with-grenade-launchers fund and put into some sort of vaguely defined social welfare program that probably doesn’t work.

Who’s Trying To Buy Who This Week?

Google is in talks with Groupon to possibly buy the local deals website, which started only two years ago and yet already generates an estimated $50 million in monthly revenue from the desirable local retail market. Yahoo was rumored to have tried buying Groupon in the past for $2 to $3 billion.  That deal fell through, and Yahoo unveiled their own “Local Offers” last week.  Groupon was valued at $1.3 billion last April and has been rapidly growing since, and Google is said to have offered more than Yahoo did.

Why Is Volkswagen In The Mood For Italian?

Giant ’80s car phone and mustache comb not included

Assuming you’re like the majority of my friends and family, you owe me money don’t pay much attention to the auto industry.  You’re probably happy enough that your car starts and that the lingering smell of spilled Lo Mein is starting to dissipate.  Well, if you’ve got room in your brain for PS3 cheat codes, your ex’s Facebook password, and the entire Holy Grail script, a little automotive news isn’t gonna hurt you.

All The Bikini News That’s Fit To Print

The girls above are three of the many beach volleyball cheerleaders China hired for the 16th Asian Games in Guangzhou this week. They performed cheer routines as well as martial arts and traditional fan dancing. The men’s volleyball team from Yemen blamed them for their defeat.  One of the, ahem, “distracted” volleyballers, Adeeb Mahfoudh, was quoted as saying, “They had an effect on how we played. I think they had something to do with our losing the match.”  But as distracting as they were, he couldn’t hold a grudge for long, adding, “If I can, I hope to watch them perform at the next match.”  We’re all the same.

If There’s An Earthquake In Idaho, Will Anyone Care?

Well, OK, Idaho has some good points.

Geez, Idaho.  We never think of Idaho.  Not even when we eat potatoes.  Not even when their senator gets busted looking for a same sex encounter in an airport bathroom.  But apparently it’s going to disappear into the Earth one day, gay senator and all.  Heck, it might already have disappeared into the Earth and we just haven’t noticed.  But don’t worry, we’ll also explain how scientists are going to kill the rest of us, too, as well as why the inevitable T. Rex attacks will be worse because of their shapely butts.