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Archive of AwesomenessHow are you judged for your last name choice?
Philosophizing
By
on May 06, 2010
178
Tags: feminism, last names
Thanks to Lucylu for submitting this to the Offbeat Bride pool
According to their research, women who take their partner's names or hyphenate were seen as:
- more caring
- more dependent
- less intelligent
- more emotional
- less competent
- less ambitious
...than women who kept their last names.
Meanwhile, women who keep their last names were seen as:
- less caring
- more independent
- more ambitious
- more intelligent
- more competent
The real kicker? They found that women who took their husband's last names were less likely to be hired for jobs, and made significantly less money.
Now, allow me to put on my sociologist hat and muse on this. First, I have no indignation here. It doesn't really surprise me that people cast judgments about women based on last names. The shifts and trends in last names over the last 40 year have coincided with significant cultural shifts in women's societal roles, so I think it's understandable that people would use the heavily politicized issue of last names as an indicator. I don't think these assumptions are accurate, of course. But it seems reasonable to me that in the shifting cultural landscape of gender roles, people will cling to whatever clues they can get when making judgments.
The assumption about ambition, for instance, feels like an extrapolation on the fact that some women chose not to change their last names because they've got career or industry recognition with their maiden name. The ambition assumption isn't accurate, of course — but at least I can contextualize where it came from.
More confusing to me are the squirrelly issues of last names being tied to emotions and how "caring" a woman is perceived to be. My theory would be that assumptions are made there that if a women is willing to "give away" her name, she's more likely to "give away" her time to nurture others?
And I'm freaking FASCINATED by the financial findings. I haven't read the full study (only the abstract) but I'd be curious about how they did the salary and employment research. Was it a blind study? Did the employers know that a woman had changed her last name? If not, WOW. Update: a commenter who's read the study shares some insight
I think the moral of the story is that no matter what you choose to do with your last name, people will use your decision as an indication of larger sociocutural issues and project their assumptions onto you. Some of these assumptions might be positive ("Ooh, you're so ambitious! Aww, you're so caring!"), but many are negative.
Having some insight into these assumptions, perhaps each of us can work to challenge the misconceptions — those of us who kept our names can demonstrate that we can be nurturing and emotional, and those of you who changed your names can show off your ambition and intelligence.
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Ruth said
hmmm… I find this really interesting given that the Dutch don't take their husbands names in the same way. Madien names are just added to their wedded name. It's more unusal to take it than not.
I wonder if that was taken into account in the reseach.
Kate said
Also, given that Europe in general and the Netherlands in particular tends to be more progressive about male/female equality. I almost don't think this study can be generalized to the US.
Corinne said
Really? Because I'm Dutch, and the vast majority of married women I know – including every single one in my family – used their husband's last name.
Becca said
This is interesting to me, because I haven't yet decided what to do about my name when we tie the knot next year. While I consider myself a feminist, very independant and a forward thinking woman, I'm inclined to take his name. First, I don't buy the notion that my name is my identity, it's just a sound assigned to my identity, so I'm not (to my mind) giving anything up. Also I find his last name more aesthetically pleasing than mine.
How people would judge me for taking his vs keeping my own isn't something that really ever crossed my mind.
Where I'm from it's generally assumed the woman will take her husbands name, it's not a big deal if she doesn't, although it raises the occasional eyebrow. I'd be interested, for that reason, in where this study took place, because I think that may be a factor in a lot of the more extreme liberal or conservative regions (say, Seattle or San Fransisco, for instance, vs the bible belt…)
Scunshine aka Christina said
Your view on it, that it's just a sound assigned to your identity, is exactly how I view it. and my husband's name is a lot more fun to sign
Becca said
Oh, wait, heh, says "Dutch" right on there. So I'll change my statement to say it would be interesting to see the same survey in USA/Canada
Vanessa said
I find it interesting and annoying. I don't want to be judged for my choice and honestly will make my decision based on what feels best for me, and not because I think people will judge me this way or that. I have a strong emotional connection to my name because I am extremely close to my parents. So I am choosing not to get rid of it, but I am taking my FH's name.
So my choices are hyphenating or adding my current last name as a second middle name. That way I know it is still there. Problem is both last names are long! So if I hyphenate it might just make it really annoying for me for the rest of my life.
It's definitely a personal choice one which takes time to decide. I am a very independent person, yet I want that unity of having the same name, so I am torn.
Thanks for the interesting info….
Kate said
You'll be judged on your choice no matter what you do. Like so many decisions women face, it's a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" kind of scenario. So you have to do what's right for you.
For me, I didn't want to get rid of any of my names, but I was perfectly happy to add one. Luckily my old last name (now my second middle name) is only 4 characters, and my new one is only 3, haha. That made it easy.
But yeah, I was exactly the same: independent and well-defined, but liked the sound of a family name… my husband and I had a series of long talks about names before we settled on what we finally did.
Saarz said
Given that my name is already 4 words long and hyphenated and for various reasons I don't wish to let go of any of them in particular we're looking at combing all 3 last names into 1… Fortunately it comes out as O'Hartcher which is reasonable.
Tracy said
You can also combine the last names into a new one, if raising an eyebrow or two just isn't enough…
For example, his last name: Jones
Your last name: Williams
Your new last names: Joniams
Lasara said
Ha! This is a huge topic – so huge that I never thought I'd take my husband's last name. I had a career based on my name.
But, I did. And it was a HUGE thing for me. It felt transgressive, yet right.
My husband didn't expect me to take his name, but to me it felt like a wonderful way to say "Yep, this is for life."
(I didn't take my first husband's last name – and it wasn't for life.)
My decision also stemmed from having spent time in the Middle East and having considered converting to Islam, or marrying a Muslim man. In that context there is no question; you take your husband's family name.
So why not be willing to give my man the same honor?
Things were made more intense for me, perhaps, by the fact that I had taken my own last name at 19 – in effect, disowning my father's lineage.
The healing that happened for me in taking my husband's name was worth the trouble it may have caused in my career.
Sevillalost said
Interesting side note: Iraqi women by and large never change their names when they marry. The naming convention itself is pretty interesting: Childsname fathersname grandfathersname (sometimes greatgrandfathersname) Tribename. And tribes are HUGE extended networks of families. So my Iraqi name would be Kacey Robert William Elgie Coacher…and it wouldn't have changed when I married my ex.
Apropos of nothing, perhaps, but I thought it was interesting to compare.
(ETA: of course, this is totally based on my experience with the people I've met over here. Iraq actually has a fairly diverse population, so this probably doesn't hold true for all Iraqi people.)
ajper said
I just accidentally reported this comment as drama/spam and I wanted to apologize. I wasn't reading the fine print and thought the x would just minimize the comment to make the thread shorter. I'm sorry.
Ariel said
It's all good, ajper — we get a fair amount of false positives with the "report" button.
Lasara said
Very interesting! Thanks.
Valpuri said
Actually, Islam specifically does not require a woman to take her husband's last name, and encourages her to keep the name she was given at birth. Many Muslim women (including all the women of my husband's family) do not change their names. I am curious as to where you got the idea that it was a given.
Lasara said
I guess it was just a big assumption on my part. My bad. My possible love interest and I used to joke about what my name would be if I converted, and it always included his family name.
So, just my personal experience.
And, how it's relevant to this thread, is that I WOULD have, no questions asked, take his family name as (part of) my name.
Michelle said
Wow – this totally hits home. I've been really "called out" by a lot of my feminist friends, who now see me as less of an activist because I plan to take my FH's last name. What gives? Honestly? I have an excuse – I feel closer to his family than to my father's – but do I need one? Why do I need to tell some radical people about the fact that feminism means you can choose your own path, that you don't have to have it forced upon you – either by tradition OR by progressive norms…??
Katy said
This is why I've never been willing to call myself a femenist. I'm all for women's rights but first and foremost I support everyone getting to choose what they do whenever possible. I'd hate for people to lump me in with the ones who believe any woman who chooses to do something traditional is 'throwing away' her rights and everything feminists have worked for. It's not any more of a choice if you have to go with the new option all the time.
[/rant]
MzFitz said
It's too bad that you see the term feminist as so loaded. If you believe in equal rights, you are a feminist.
As with any group, there is a divergence in thought and practice. Michele's friends are allowed to have an open dialogue, and recognize that feminism allowed for that discussion to even take place.
I would like to recommend this book:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/produ…PDKIKX0DER
Hopefully you'll find that the f-word isn't a dirty word at all, and that it's ok to disagree with others.
Rose said
http://www.funnyordie.com/vide…looks-like
Heart Juniper said
Michelle– I once asked my Feminism professor about this. She had taken her husband's name and we asked her why. She said when it comes down to it, you are basically choosing one man's name (your father) or another's (your husband). She wanted the last name of the man she had chosen.
apple scruff said
I've thought about this point before, and it's a good one. The way I see it, though, is that when I was born my last name became mine, despite the fact that it belonged to my father first. I guess I could see it as choosing my dad's name over my husband's, but it doesn't feel like my dad's name. It feels like my name. I'm choosing to keep MY name over taking my husband's name. That being said,
Lasara said
Good point(s)!
Ang said
I always assumed I'd take my husband's name. Then, surprisingly, both of our very traditional families were pushing for hyphenating, or me using my maiden name as a middle name.
So I thought about it, and I just took his name. I am lazy and don't want to hyphenate, and I was named after my grandmother, so don't want to change my middle name.
But a HUGE reason that I chose his name, is that it's MUCH more unique and stand out then my maiden name. There are a billion Armstrongs out there, and in an industry where I need to stand out, my husband's name does that for me. So if anything I'm MORE competent and ambitious as I'm using him to further my career!
Joanna said
I wrote an entire blog about this on my personal blog.
I am not taking my FH last name…and the crap I get for it is unreal.
For me, it is not about feminism. I love my name. All three of them. They are my names and mine alone and I completely and utterly identify with them. Not having one is like not having a limb, for me. While I am a feminist, this was much more about identity for me than feminism. I don't really have a career under my name. I just have my name, but it is mine
bluefrog said
I feel the same way about my name – but I do think it's a feminist thing.
Just the idea that you maybe shouldn't cast off your last name and be absorbed into your husband's family is a feminist one. Like, holy shit, batman – a woman's last name might have value to her??
Not that I want to rain on anybody's parade if they gave up their last name – in the future I just hope it's closer to 50/50 girls/dudes who decide to change. I get that it can be stressful, to, to be a self-identified feminist who is "greasing the wheels" on this particular issue. A single woman can't do it all, so just in case any name-changers are reading … I never met a name-keeper that looked down on a name-changer. Honest. Just down on the overall trend of name-changing as a thing girls do when they jump ship from their original family to their husband's. Everybody does what's best for them, everybody should just think about it, and if you're commenting on OBT, it's pretty safe to say you have.
For this issue it's just easy for me. There's nothing romantic about changing my last name (it'd feel creepy to me unless both partners changed), and my last name is badass. Hooray!
Rachel said
I get the same amount of crap for not changing my name. I am also getting rather annoyed at having to correct people constantly. Usually they assume Tom's last name is actually my last name. LOL
Delphine said
I don't plan to change my name either. My mother never changed her legal name, but she always allowed people to refer to her as Mrs. "father's last name".
I think I'm going to do the same. I'll keep my last name but when people refer to my fiance and me as a family unit or a couple, they can say Mr. and Mrs. XXXXX and I wouldn't correct them. It sounds smoother than Mr. XXXX and Mrs. XXXXX.
Dina E said
I feel the same way about my name – but I also feel strongly about my partner and I having the same surname. We're not hyphenating (both of our surnames are long) but rather combining our names together. However, when I finally get some of my stories published, I'm going to publish under my original name.
(Of course, I am teh ghey, which complicates matters some!)
Anna said
ha… I actually am Dutch and have read most of the study (since I too, was curious who judged whom on what basis). The abstract is a bit misleading since you get the impression that EMPLOYERS actually looked at women's names. Not the case.
Instead, the study was done by asking students to imagine they were introduced to a couple at a party. They would either be told that the woman went by her own name or that she went by her husband's name and then had to indicate how they rated her on a scale of 0-7 for a number of criteria. A follow up experiment showed that there was no difference in perception of a woman with a hyphenated name or a woman called by her husband's name.
The salary part of the experiment was done by asking students to imagine they had to evaluate job applicants that applied via e-mail to the position of HR manager. Again, they then rated the applicants (who went by either their own name or their husband's name or a combination thereof) on a number of criteria.
Conclusion: the study was NOT done by asking actual employers or HR professions what their perception was. Nevertheless the University of Tilburg considers the results representative of general sociological research. I seriously wouldn't know whether employers would look at the situation differently in the Netherlands.
Oh, and it is more common for women to take their husband's name (and hyphenate their maiden name or drop it entirely) – the study indicated 83% of women would go by their husband's name or hyphenate – although keeping your own name is also accepted (15.4% of women would keep their own name, the study indicated). Both partners are actually permitted to choose the others' name in any combination (this also counts for gay couples who are married or have a "registered partnership"). Your own name actually never formally changes in the Netherlands, you can only indicate that you'd like to be called differently for various official purposes. The name in your passport always stays the same.
Hope this clears things up a bit!
PS: I'll go under my own name for work purposes but for government purposes i've chosen to be called own name-husband's name.
Ariel said
Thank you! It's great to hear a bit more about the methodology.
Jessica_Iowa said
We are so lucky to have you tell us about the study.
Thanks for taking the time!
miss vlatorn said
So, you are saying that this is an IMAGINED study…Students were asked to imagine their own reactions. That cannot be scientific in any form or meaning of the word. That is, at the most, a thesis!
Amazing how newsreporters seem to leave that little tidbit out.
Emi said
I think the newspapers either didn't read the whole report, or cynically only reported it in the way that would make it seem most controversial so that they could get as many readers/responses as possible.
Liz said
Yup. My husband works in a scientific field, and he gets annoyed a lot of the time when mainstream newspapers etc report on scientific findings for the same reason.
Also, I work in publishing, and sometimes the accepted material can be questionable……
Paige said
Fascinating! Thank you so much for sharing.
I love the idea of always keeping the name you were born with, but getting to *officially* use a different name for other purposes. I wish, wish, wish we had that system in the U.S.
Sey said
Wow, that really puts perspective on things. Thanks for reading that whole thing and giving us the real summery. That's pretty dirty surveying I think.
I'm in the process of changing my name to my future husband's last name. I'm not sad about dropping my original surname. It's something I always wanted. Plus, in my profession, I just choose to go by my first and middle name.
But that's just me
Jennifer said
I chose to tack my husband's last name at the end, no hyphen. I have two last names (not two middle names). When I do artistic things, I only use my maiden name. When I sign legal or financial documents, I sign both last names. When I don't feel like having my last name misspelled or mispronounced, I use just my husband's last name. Not hyphenating gave me the freedom to pick and choose at will. Sometimes it confuses people, but it was my compromise to keep my full name but share a name with my husband at the same time. I wonder how I would be perceived by the Dutch?
Amanda said
This is what I did as well! And I love it. My reasoning for keeping my maiden name (un-hyphenated) is because my non-biological dad adopted me when i was 4 (My mom is my biological one). So keeping my maiden name was highly important, but my husband's name was also important; especially since we are planning on having kids, and I would like to share the same last name.
vicky said
me too! and I'm happy with it, except I tend to be a bit apologetic when I tell people as it doesn't flow very well, maybe that will change as I get used to it?
Veena said
I also have 2 unhyphenated last names, but from when my parents divorced when I was a teenager. It was how I dealt with their split up and feeling like I needed to show that I identified with both of them. So now I'm getting married, and where I would have added my fiance's last name to mine (unhyphenated because I like the look of it better), it would be a long 3-name list, and his name doesn't really "go" with my 2 names. Not sure yet what we'll do, as I really like and identify with my 2 last names. We've thought about both of us taking my name, but his father would be a bit hurt about that. I think we may just each keep our names as they originally are. Then there's the issue of the kid's last names…arhg!
Incidentally, I do live in Holland, and Dutch people are very confused by my 2 unhypenated names.
Jen said
As a working artist/designer in my mid-30s, I've come to this same conclusion as well — both names kept, FH name on the end, no hyphens, so that I can use my maiden name for personal work and have continuity, but use his name for legal reasons and for our shared future (kids hoped for). I doubt I'll ever use both names in tandem unless I need to write it somewhere — saying it out loud would be a mouthful!
This is pretty common in many latino households (2 last names), and some of my latino friends were born with both their mother & father's last names, even the male children (and some include a second middle name — Catholic Biblical name at Confirmation: my Irish Dad has one of these). I'm marrying a latino, so any potential future children can choose to keep both last names if they'd like (my FH has only a first and last name, no middle name nor mother's maiden name).
I know I will have female friends who will judge me as not feminist enough by taking his name. But my reasons are personal, not political. I also admit I feel a bit of relief, in our internet-privacy-ransacked-age, that having a new last name could give me a bit more privacy in daily life (you can't find me unless you know me well enough!).
Elysabeth said
OMG this makes me so mad! I took my husband's name because I grew up with a long long hyphenated last name that no one could pronounce and I couldn't wait to shed it. The part about the jobs and people's impressions makes me feel so vulnerable — especially considering that I've been going through a long and painful job hunt of my own.
Down with preconceived notions!
Aiyana said
Same thing for me–I'm ready to shed my long hyphenated name (despite totally loving my parents and appreciating their stand for equality when they married). My honey wants to keep his name but says my name is up to me. I want us to have the same name, so I'll take his. It IS a good name.
My ideal would have been for us to create a new name together, a particularly meaningful word. But no such word has presented itself.
Ali said
I am going through the same thing. Something feels bad to me about getting rid of my last name entirely, or constantly juggling multiple names- but I want to have the same last name as my man. We decided to create a last name of our two names- but can't find anything that sounds good! So frustrating.
Alexandra said
I saw on another site recently, a couple that wanted to combine but was having a tough time: they each picked their 3 favorite letters from their names, and created a word from that.
Hope this helps!
lady brett said
so, i've seen this touted in a few places now, and i have the feeling that people are confusing correlation and causation, with regard to the financial findings.
as the average age for a first marriage is now 26 (in the u.s.), most women are already embarked on their career/job by the time they get married. which is a serious consideration with regard to your name.
for example, if i had continued in the sciences, i would likely be dr. my-last-name by now, hopefully be published under my-last-name, and have the chance to make a pretty darn good salary now, with a lot more opportunities as i moved up.
instead, i chose to be a secretary-type-person for a small-type-place. most of the people who i know professionally don't even know my last name; i'm not hurting, but i don't make a big salary; and even if i moved up to be head honcho here, i would still make around starting-salary for my "past-life-path" (above).
so, really, if i change my last name (which i'm undecided on at the moment) it will likely have no effect on my career. but in "past-life-path", it would have been a blow, because in "professional" jobs your name is a significant part of your "brand" – and "professional" jobs tend to be the ones that pay significantly better.
Carolyn said
Meg at A Practical Wedding just did a post about this last week? two weeks ago?
I had decided to take my husband's last name in personal situations because I knew families where the wife had not. The result was the family would be introduced as such: "Hi, this is Dan, Alison, and Drew Smith. And Diane Jones." I didn't want to be an appendage to my family. I also didn't want my kids to have a ridiculously long name.
That being said, my husband and I have now been married for almost a year, and I have not gotten around to changing my name. I strongly identify with it. My husband is Jewish of Russian/Eastern European descent and I am Christian of Scottish/Irish/German/English descent. Our last names reflect that. Giving up my last name for my husband's feels like giving up a bit of my family's culture, and we value the mixing of our traditions. It's hard.
I'll probably end up changing it when I'm about 6 months pregnant.
Mel said
I dunno, my family always got introduced as "This is Dad Hisname and Mom Hername and their daughter Melissa," although depending on who was doing introductions, it might be Mom & Dad. My mom was certainly not treated as an appendage.
Veena said
I can really relate to how your names reflect your cultural heritage! I'm half Indian and half British, and my 2 last names reflect that. For me that is very important. My partner's last name is Jones, which actually couldn't get more generic for an American name. I'm not excited to take his (would it be different if I liked his name better than mine? maybe…) But I also don't want our future children to have different last names from both of us; nor do I want to make up a new last name for our family unit, since our names really do have meaning for us. It's so complicated!!!!!!!!
Julia said
I am going through the same dilemma now. My last name is beautifully Italian and reflects my strong ties to my family. I love it and identify with it. If I were to take my FH's name it would be Jackson…BORING. I plan on keeping my name which has raised more than a few eyebrows from our families.
Whatever people decide it should be their choice and no one else's.
Emi said
I've actually seen this study referenced in a few places before, but as Anna pointed out, it's rather bogus and not very useful because it wasn't done with real HR managers or employers. At any rate, even though it's still probably true that there's a sad double standard when it comes to being married in the workplace, it's also not very useful because any interviewer who inquires about an applicant's marital status is way out of line (also, this is what "Ms" is for).
However, it does open up an interesting and possibly infuriating discussion about stereotypes in general. I consider myself a fierce feminist (and will be keeping my birth name), but I really wish that this topic would be de-politicized, because it is a Totally. Personal. Choice. The only "wrong" or "bad" decision is one that you don't feel right about, or that you make based on a fear of others' judgments and not what you truly want.
P.S. There is an amazingly excellent related discussion going on at A Practical Wedding: http://apracticalwedding.com/2…-follow-up
Ammie said
" …I really wish that this topic would be de-politicized, because it is a Totally. Personal. Choice. The only "wrong" or "bad" decision is one that you don't feel right about, or that you make based on a fear of others' judgments and not what you truly want." – Emi
THANK YOU!!!! I'm so tired of being given shit for CHOOSING to take my husband's last name! If someone believes in freedom of choice when it comes to this matter, but then they sit there and talk about how horrible it is to change your name because of X, Y, and Z then I feel like all they're doing is looking down their nose at me as if they made the "right" decision and I made the "wrong" one. I realize the situations are not the same, but it reminds me of the abortion debates on feminist forums that used to take place. Someone would come to the forum and say "I'm pro-choice, but I would NEVER have an abortion because that's just so horrible and…." They would get told off by, well, everyone because it's a personal decision and telling everyone all the reasons you think it's horrible to make that decisison is like telling everyone else they aren't as good as you because they did make that decision. I feel like that is what is taking place with the whole "name change debate".
monoi said
Well, yes and no. For one, I don't subscribe to the notion that every choice is a feminist choice just because it was chosen. I can choose to do some pretty damn backward, misogynistic things, freely. Choices just do not happen in a social vacuum; they are weighed against tradition, social expectations, class considerations etc.
This is not to say that your particular choice is invalid – not at all. That is not for me to say. However, on a larger, less personal scale, I do think it useful to question the willingness of married women to shed their birth name. I mean, considerations like "family unity", "easier to pronounce", "I don't like my family anyway" are valid enough, but why do I never hear men use them? There must be a roughly equal amount of men who have hard-to-pronounce last names and are on bad foot with their fathers. Why then is it always women who seem to feel those are reason enough to take their partner's name?
Those are questions that, to my mind, need answering too, and the defensive knee-jerk "but it's my choice" really does nothing to address them. And so yeah, feminists choosing to take their spouse's name will likely meet with some resistance from peers. Not entirely unwarranted, if you ask me.
Alexandra said
I do see some men who take their wife's name, or create a combo name, partly, or largely, because of spelling/pronunciation, or Dad-dislike.
Not 'enough' of them, certainly, but some.
This is / has been a really tough decision for me. As a feminist, and having an "easy/good" LN, some of my friends have guessed that I'd keep mine, or will I be asking him to take mine.
But his LN better reflects my ethnic heritage, it's just plain COOL [in meaning], my initials would be better, my full name would sound awesome, it'd make me unique in net searches, AND my dad wasn't the greatest guy. (Plus he's the only grandson of his awesome gram with the family LN, so…)
Definitely tough, though. I agree with you that concern from feminists is not unwarranted. ;p
KoryBing said
None of the women in my family have middle names due to a weird bit of family history, so when I got married I made my maiden name my middle name and took my husband's name as my new last name. You'd think I landed on the moon by how incredibly difficult this made changing my name after I got married. It's apparently no big deal to change your last name, but changing your middle name is nigh impossible.
However, my "professional" name that I use with all my illustration and comic work is a shortening/easier spelling of my maiden name (Bing).
Basically I just respond to being called anything at this point.
Joanna said
Ariel, I actually bought that article, I was so intrigued. I am sure you can find my email, if you want me to send you the whole thing.
Nathalie said
Honestly, this study does not surprise me at all. Students' perceptions of women using their husband's name match up with traditionally feminine qualities, while the perceptions of women using their own last names match up with traditionally masculine qualities (Bem & Lewis, 1975; Sex Roles Inventory).
I realize these perceptions are unjustified and totally unfair, but I would definitely not call them surprising.
I've downloaded the PDF. I can share it if anyone's interested. Grad school does have its perks: access to academic journals.
Jessica_Iowa said
I am in the middle of choosing my name.(Myself am very proud of my last name, and would hate for it to get lost in time.) I was going to go much like Jennifer above. I was however going to have two middle names. I never thought of having two last names. (That's why I love this website, so many new ideas.) I never thought about how I'd be treated once I grew a second middle name. This is very interesting, I love learning how people think and function.
Also, on another note I only ever meet one woman IRL who kept her maiden name. I know of no one who hyphenated her name as far as I know. I wonder what it will be like with say two middle names, or two last names.
Sarah said
Some of this may be a confusion of corollary and consequence. I am an attorney and I'm keeping my last name for many reasons, including professional reasons. Most of my friends are lawyers, and most of the women among them who are married kept their last name. Because we are lawyers, we make more $$ than the average bear, and because we are lawyers, we want to keep our names…. Keeping the name isn't the reason that we have a career or make good $$, but the exact reverse… Hope that makes sense.
Rebecca said
I always feel compelled to comment when this topic gets raised. Why are we not putting equal pressure/thought into having the man change his name in some way? All of the reasons for the woman to change her name in whatever fashion ring hollow for me until it becomes equally problematic for men in a heterosexual marriage (and what about same sex couples how do they navigate this question?). My husband took my last name and our children have/will have my last name only. It was important to my husband that we all have the same last name so he did the work.
Katie said
Thanks for saying that Rebecca. I totally agree. 100%! I do feel that women who don't take their husband's last names are judged. And I find it grating when women say "Why wouldn't you take his name?" like it's crazy not to. Yet they would never suggest the husband take the wife's name. My partner suggested he take my last name and I said it was up to him and left it at that. I've been amazed at how many women have attacked us for it – or assumed I pressured him into taking my name. They seem insecure about giving up their name straight away for no reason other than 'it's the done thing' so they take it out on women who do something different. I find it depressing and it can be quite exhausting having to constantly defend myself. The fact is men are never pressured to take a woman's name. There is an imbalance there and people seem to ignore it.
Sarah said
This. I've always loved my surname, and I didn't want to add to it or change it. It wasn't really a sticking point, I just wasn't interested in doing that and didn't feel there was a reason to (changing my name doesn't mean I love my husband any more than I do). However, my FH isn't particularly attached to his surname, and actually asked me if it'd be all right if he took mine after we're married. That option hadn't even occurred to me, but once he brought it to the table, I was both touched and thrilled by it.
G1tana said
Does anyone know of any studies done on MEN who change their name upon marriage? It is very aggravating to see this issue be so one-sided by gender. Whether or not you change your name is a highly personal decision- but why is this burden only placed on women?
I am queer, and my partner and I have had long discussions on the name issue. Our names would not work hyphenated, but we recognize the importance of having the same name- especially today when our rights to marry and be recognized as family are still being challenged. In the end, we are both taking my last name as a middle name- and taking my partner's last name as our family name. I chose this because I will be the one getting pregnant- so its only fair that if the kids get my DNA, they get my partner's name. Having reached this decision TOGETHER, when BOTH our names were on the line, only strengthened our relationship. Why can't straight couples likewise consider the FAMILY name, as opposed to merely the WIFE's name?
Dina E said
Yeah, I was thinking about this too. As I said upthread, my partner and I are making a "team name" by smushing together the best sounding and most pronounceable parts of our names together. (It'll still be a pain to get people to spell, but NO MORE DOUBLE A FOR ME YAY!)
One thing I'm really interested to see is how our employers/coworkers will navigate this. (We'll be changing our names by deed poll, since same-sex marriage is not yet legal here…) I imagine I'll be getting many an awkward question after the wedding…
Meaghan said
My boyfriend and I were chatting about this when I read an article about the study a week or so ago, and we came to the conclusion that men who changed their last names would probably be judged quite a bit more harshly. I assume men who change their names would take a lot of flack, especially from more conservative people, about being 'whipped' or something. Which is ridiculous, of course.
Katy said
My boyfriend taking my name could actually be a career advantage, weirdly. He works for my dad who is worried about the fact that none of the men in my generation want to get married or have kids. Within a generation our family name could die out completely, so my boyfriend taking it might make him very happy.
Of course I'd also hope that someone so unrelated to his work performance wouldn't affect how he's treated/percieved, but it's still an interesting exception to the norm.
Erin said
I'm glad someone cleared up the methodology of this study, and it definitely has less impact for me now, but it's annoying that it reflects real stereotypes that exist in society. I took my husband's name because it was shorter, easier to spell and sounded nice with my first name — plain and simple. It had nothing to do with the amount of love I hold for my family, my independence as a woman, or a vision of giving something up "for" him. It was just a name, and didn't define me in any way! I understand how that could be different for people of different backgrounds or cultures, but that is what makes these kinds "name-change" of stereotypes even more frustrating — everyone makes the decision for different reasons. But, I guess we've all discovered that stereotypes exist, and they hurt. Sigh…
On another note, I had already started my career when I got married and had very much branded myself with my first and last names (including my design portfolio website url, a logo, my resume, and appearances in magazine mastheads…). It was and has been a challenge to make all of the necessary changes, and who knows how long it will take for my new name to "stick" and be recognized as me. But that was just a side note…
amanda said
I didn’t keep my last name, or take my husbands. We took a new one. We took his middle name (douglas) and made it our last name. We were both really excited about it and surprisingly most of the family was supportive too.
I find that now that I am married in a lot of ways I am more caring (ok so I fit into that one) but I also find myself more ambitious (we are building a house to sell, and just bought a triplex which I did all the leg work for) and I just got a raise at work (I went into my bosses office and said “I want a raise, and let me tell you why I think I should get one”) so I for sure don’t fit the mould for this study, but maybe it’s because we picked a new name all together…they should study that one…
Hexotica said
This subject and all the comments are fascinating, and you have very perceptive, constructive insights into the study. I always assumed I'd take my future husbands name because I hated my last name–the sound, the connotation, etc. Even though I am a feminist, I believe feminism is about having choice. I'll be choosing my fiance's prettier name!
Sarah said
This is a very interesting and informative post! I really think that it says a lot about different cultures and what is seen as "traditional." All of the comments here are great too!