tell me about it

I BOUGHT THIS!

AND THIS!

AND THISSSSS!!!!

Teehee!

While walking to the staff bathroom, I looked down at the parade square where I noticed my Literature class having PE. And when my student looked up at the second floor and saw me looking at them, he broke into an impromptu rendition of Kurt’s ‘All The Single Ladies’ dance from Glee.

Oh dear.

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Hong Kong in March, Penang and Tokyo in June, and hopefully (hopefully!) Israel and Turkey in December. Yay! Sorry Jas – Melbourne holiday shelved till post-baby years. Stay in Melbourne! I’ll visit some day! :D

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I’ve had this problem for ages but it comes and goes and it seems like right now it’s here to stay. Even when I was in JC there would be times when my eyes would be red, swollen, and teary in the morning when I woke up. My eyelashes get crusted shut and the skin around my eyes feels raw and painful. Occasionally it would get so bad that my eye(s) would be completely puffy and swollen shut. No amount of eyedrops helped. A few years ago another doctor prescribed me antihistamine eyedrops and those really helped – but only after the fact, and only if the eye was mildly red and teary. If the eye was completely monstrous, the eyedrops didn’t help. And now it’s happening again – red, raw, painful itchy teary eyes in the morning.

I’ve wiped my bedside table and bed down, swept the floor religiously, cleaned the ceiling fan, changed the bedsheets – nothing works. I still get the eye thing. And it doesn’t happen when I snooze on the couch – only on my own bed, and even if I’m only taking a two hour nap!

A friend and my mom said it might be my powdered detergent – a doctor once told her that liquid detergent is more hypoallergenic than powdered – but the other thing that helps me is to place a damp facetowel over my eyes while I sleep, and I wash my towels in the same detergent.

What gives? :(

I read on a website that overusing antihistamines makes you develop a need for it and also lessens the effects and I can’t have that. I’m taking antihistamines almost three times a week for allergies – rhinitis, eyes. It’s getting to the point where I feel dependent on pseudoephedrine to get through the day. God bless whoever made Zyrtec and Telfast and De-cold, but I can’t be taking meds so often. Sigh.

What do I have to do? Wash the bed in Dettol?

Yesterday in class I was reminding my kids about the importance of using EITHER British spelling OR American, and to be consistent about it. So my kids asked, “Is recognize spelt with an S or a Z in British?”

I replied, “Ess is British, Zee is American.”

To which one student smartly responded, “Oh no, ‘cher…Ass is American. Arse is British.”

Time is passing ridiculously quickly! It’s almost the end of January and we’ll soon be celebrating our 5th month of marriage. Tralala. So far so good! :D

We’re making plans (or, haha, I’m making plans) for our June holiday. After what our babied-up friends have told us (go on long expensive wild holidays while you’re still babyless!), we’ve decided to make the most of our babyfree years and travel to places that at least our budget allows. We’re debating between Tokyo and Melbourne!

Personally I’d prefer Melbourne simply because I’m dying to spend some happy afternoons with Jas and Kathryn and other Melbourne friends. Also I’ve been longing to go to Australia for the longest time and finally, finally it seems like it’s the right time to go. BUT, if we do make the trip in June, it would be winter. Blahhhhhhhhh. When shops close at 5pm and ironically the penguins aren’t as active on Philip Island and it’s just going to be bloody cold (although that’s really quite the fun part)(I never learn – I get so miserably cold sometimes but the minute I get back to SG I’m longing for cold weather again). I want to try skiing and I want to see the Twelve Apostles (or what’s left of them). I want to eat gelato and I want to see all the things that make my Ozzie friends not want to come home.

Tokyo is the other option and might actually be a bit more affordable I think in terms of doing things – eating would be fantastic but not knowing a word of Japanese except, er, “arigato” is not going to help either one of us very much. I picture ourselves ending up frustrated and pointing at things and all. Then again, my first years in Bangkok I had no clue of Thai either and I got along just fine!

You can tell I’m a bit more enthusiastic about Australia although the thought of Japan also perks me right up. I would like to do both, haha, but unfortunately the life of a teacher dictates the impossibility of traveling well and often and during non-peak season. BAH.

Making babies is a scary thought.

Watched a video on Nick Vujicic today in school – a man with no limbs. Had many different thoughts: firstly, I couldn’t get it out of my head how wrong he looked, even if I was supposed to be accepting. Then I thought how I didn’t think I would be able to parent such a severely disabled child – would I be able to love such a child despite how terribly wrong I thought he looked? Then it really struck me how motherhood is about deciding to make a human being that would turn out to be half you and half spouse, and about making a decision to truly madly deeply fiercely love whatever it is you happened to make. For the rest of your life. No matter what it looked like or smelt like or what it would end up doing.

And I had such a sudden fear and loathing of motherhood, with that terrible element of not-knowing what you were promising to love. At least with marriage, I knew what I was getting into. I made an informed choice. I know what he looks like, how he thinks, what he likes. I know he’s never been in jail. I know he’s good-lookin’ (to me, anyway). But with a baby? I would have to take whatever I got. And not just take, either, but instantly produce that fierce, protective, all-encompassing mother love. What if I couldn’t accept what I’ve made?

I know it sounds horrible as anything and all you mothers are going to roundly condemn me. But I’m so terribly afraid that I won’t have the strength of character to deal with disabilities both mental and physical should a future child have such problems.

The other thing I realized about motherhood today was that should I manage to love my child completely, I’m going to be really crap at letting them go. Because today I broke down in tears thinking about innocence and knowing that it isn’t going to last forever. I thought about mistakes I’ve made and things I’ve done and felt utterly repulsed and revolted at the thought of someone near and dear to me making the same mistakes and doing the same things. It totally isn’t about not doing what I wouldn’t do. It’s me having learnt the excruciating lessons through my stupid childish behavior in the past, and having learnt the lessons, wanting my babies to learn the same lessons, to know the outcomes, without making those same mistakes. Without sullying their purity. The thought simply paralyzed me. I know if you don’t make the mistakes, the lesson probably isn’t ever going to be fully understood – but couldn’t you know what I know? That actions are irreversible. That innocence is the worst thing to lose. That something you do in the heat of the moment, knowing the consequences but disregarding them in that split second is never something you should have ever done.

That ten years down the road, mistakes I made still flash back in my mind to haunt me and every single time I wish I’d been smart enough to learn the lesson without making those mistakes. Because I really should have known better then.

And I wish that for those I love. I wish for wisdom and discernment. To know that the consequences of your actions last a lifetime. To know that guilt can lurk in one’s heart forever, even if no one ever knows what stupid and moronic things you did. To truly understand how to be good without having to try being naughty.

If I had to watch my child grow up and make those mistakes in order to learn those lessons, if I had to watch them lose that innocence and purity, I think I would die from grief and despair.

Motherhood probably really sucks.

Oy me, the year’s passed too terribly quickly. And what a year it’s been! Thirteen weddings – one of them my own, and another my brother’s – and a beautiful baby girl (not mine). A new house, a new family, a new TV show (Glee!!!) and a new last name. All three siblings scattered and out of my parents’ house. I wonder what the new year will bring?

It’s been such a blessed year. Thank you all for sticking around :)

Me: I need to go to the pants editor.
Hubba: The who?
Me: *gestures vaguely* You know, the guy who edits pants. Mine are too long.
Hubba: You mean the tailor.
Me: Yes! That guy.

I couldn’t sleep all night last night – I’d had two (two!) very treacherous sips of espresso (damn you and your attractively packaged little coffee things, Nespresso!) and that had resulted in a horribly sleepless night. Amidst my tossing and turning in fretful fitfulness I realized I was disturbing my sleeping hubba a lot more than was polite, so I took myself out to the living room to attempt sleep on our very comfortable couch with its very comfortable cushions. Alas though it did not work, within minutes my curious cat, quite taken with the novelty of having me come out to join her in the living room, stretched herself out from within her basket and padded over to the couch. She nosed my hand and rubbed her head thoroughly in my palm (a cat’s way of ensuring she gets petted – you don’t have to move, she will).

And then she sighed, and plopped herself down on the rug beside my head, and napped beside me while I struggled with wakefulness.

I loves me kitty.

1. Frying pan
2. Pyrex casserole dish
3. Wooden spoon and frying thing
4. WMF pots
5. Convection oven
6. Spatula
7. Big metal mixing bowl
8. Philips handheld blender
9. Herb and spice rack
10. Rice cooker

Life is pretty good now because holidays have Finally started. Not completely because I’ll still be back and forth in school now and then. But I’m happy enough not to have to wake up early every morning. Here’s to lazy mornings with breakfast with my hubba.

Speaking of the hubba it’s really a wonderful feeling to be married to someone I love so much. Feels like we’ve been married yonks but it’s only been three months. Haha. It’s lovely to be a wife.

Made lasagna this morning for Merv’s birthday! Had EL dept farewell lunch yesterday where I made vegetarian shepherd’s pie, and there was spaghetti last week at Yu Hsien’s thanksgiving dinner. It’s been a week of cooking and cooking but it’s fun (: