Mock, Paper, Scissors

We honor all that is appalling in American Politics with the First Semi-Regular Macaca Awards.

For more on the Macaca Awards, see our announcement.

Tonight’s category, Race Relations, really gets to the heart of the Macaca, it speaks to the essence of what George Allen had in mind lo those many years ago when he called a kid of Indian extraction a Macaca.

So tonight, we look to see who is setting the George Allen example and we have a rich field of competitors:

• Sharron Angle, “You don’t look Mexican to me”
• Dr. Laura for her pioneering use of the N-word on radio
• Andrew Breitbart for inventing reverse-racism
• Tom Tancredo, well, for everything
• Rand “Repeal the Civil Rights Act” Paul
• Glenn Beck for spotting Obama’s deep-seated hatred of white people
• Mark William of Teaparty Express Fame
• Haley Barbour, the finest defender of Confederate History Month we have ever had

So tonight, fellow members of the Academy, you get to vote on Outstanding Achievement in Race Baiting.

And remember, there will be new categories each night through the election!

As always, please go to Hysterical Raisins to see a full-sized version of the Poster. Nonnie is amazing. Simply Amazing.

(This post is staying on top, fresh snark, if any, is below)

southern mama

I’ve long maintained that the long term and personal relationship men have with their junk from adolescence onward often includes a pet name for it, and sort of like that gawd-awful poem that inspired that gawd-awful musical Cats, most men keep their junk’s name private.

But not Jeffrey Goldberg of the Atlantic Magazine, he’s violated the Bro Code and put his junk’s name in a national magazine and on the internet:

At BWI, I told the officer who directed me to the back-scatter that I preferred a pat-down. I did this in order to see how effective the manual search would be. When I made this request, a number of TSA officers, to my surprise, began laughing. I asked why. One of them — the one who would eventually conduct my pat-down — said that the rules were changing shortly, and that I would soon understand why the back-scatter was preferable to the manual search. I asked him if the new guidelines included a cavity search. “No way. You think Congress would allow that?”

I answered, “If you’re a terrorist, you’re going to hide your weapons in your anus or your vagina.” He blushed when I said “vagina.”

“Yes, but starting tomorrow, we’re going to start searching your crotchal area” — this is the word he used, “crotchal” — and you’re not going to like it.”

“What am I not going to like?” I asked.

“We have to search up your thighs and between your legs until we meet resistance,” he explained.

“Resistance?” I asked.

“Your testicles,” he explained.

‘That’s funny,” I said, “because ‘The Resistance’ is the actual name I’ve given to my testicles.”

He answered, “Like ‘The Situation,’ that guy from `Jersey Shore?’”

Yes, exactly, I said. (I used to call my testicles “The Insurgency,” but those assholes in Iraq ruined the term.)

Whatever floats your dinghy, Jeffrey.

(The Atlantic)

Woman falls, breaks neck.
Can’t move her head, so stands up,
Lifts it in her hands!

So it has come down to the Hester Prynne moment for David Vitter, future Huggies spokemodel.

He is put before the citizens of his Louisiana parish (on the TeeVee Machine) and some Puritan scold demands Vitter confess his whoremongering diapery sins:

Greg Meriwether of WAFB-TV, followed up: “Can you look the camera right now and talk to the voters and tell them did you violate the law?”

“I just did look in the camera,” the senator replied. “I just did …”

“Did you violate the law? Yes or no, sir,” Meriwether interrupted.

Vitter’s response: “Again, you can ask those questions. You can look back 10 years. You can stay fixated on that. My job, I believe, is to look forward on behalf of the people of Louisiana.”

Meriwether tried again: “Can you offer us an answer tonight, please? It’s a question of accountability, Mr. Vitter.”

“I understand,” Vitter said. “You have asked the question; I’ve given you my answer.”

So now David Vitter has to wear a Scarlet A on his breast for the rest of his life. The end.

(Politico)

Jeepers, besides being stupid (do they really believe that there is a concerted effort to commit election fraud? Do they project much what they plan to do?), this thing is way too long to be funny.

Anyway, I like the way that they so believe it that they actually have a list of things to do (from their website, which I will not link to):

1. Go to your local municipal court house
2. Find Clerk of Court Office
3. Obtain a copy of the death rolls
4. Copy names of the deceased potential voters going back at least 2 election cycles
5. Upon completion of this project notify media that you are in possession of the names of all deceased potential voters in the area
6. Provide a copy list to appropriate conservative representative and/or poll watchers, and instruct them of the legal process in your jurisdiction on how to challenge a fraudulent vote (information obtained from commissioner of elections, registrar, or other appropriate authority from your state)
7. Document everything and get video if possible

Mmmm, death rolls!

OK, just a hint here: in cities like mine with 1 million-plus residents, there are bound to be some repeats on the names of the Quick and the Dead; George Foreman’s family is going to have hella problems when those kids get old enough to vote…

The local media might be interested in a color story of some Medicare-scooter riding Jedi Knight carrying “death rolls” to precinct stations, but I’m guessing that they have enough to do without some Teabagger claiming that the Garcias are disenfrachising the Whitmans to their duly purchased office.

Is Lipless Mitch worried that the teabaggers will trash the joint?

Key to McConnell’s success, added a former GOP leadership aide, will be to harness and channel the Tea Party agenda “in a way that’s productive rather than destructive or harmful to Senate Republicans or the country in general.”

[snip]

For example, instead of trying to pass a bill that would eliminate the Department of Education — a much-discussed ideal in Tea Party circles but an almost impossibly unpopular one in practice — old hands in the Senate could help the newcomers draft legislation that makes dramatic reductions to its programs, something that might attract conservative Democratic support.

“You have to go out of your way to assimilate people and give them roles,” the GOP strategist said.

Yeah, that Sharron Angle is the Wendy O’Williams of the Teabaggers.

(First Read)

Mooselini swooped in to rescue the doomed campaign of her protegé The Moose-Savant known as Joe Miller at a rally last night. She used her star power to attract… 300-350 people.

(Miller is consistently pulling last place in the 3-way Senate race in Alaskastan.)

(Alaska Dispatch)

And into the abyss falls the rictus-faced gargoyle e-Meg, whom the latest polls find the majority of Californians do not like. But the big news is not that she is generally loathed for spending $140M + of her own fortune on her doomed, personal flight of the Valkyrie, it is that she cannot connect with voters:

Whitman has continued to fan the controversy, telling a Fox News host Wednesday that the ex-housekeeper “should be deported” for lying about her immigration status and forging documents, then appearing to back away from the comment Thursday when asked about it during a campaign stop.Whitman has continued to fan the controversy, telling a Fox News host Wednesday that the ex-housekeeper “should be deported” for lying about her immigration status and forging documents, then appearing to back away from the comment Thursday when asked about it during a campaign stop.

“It reinforced the image of a coldhearted rich person who doesn’t care for the semi-serfs — as Jerry Brown calls them — who work for her,” said Jack Pitney, a professor of politics and government at Claremont McKenna College.

This week, Whitman managed to blow an opportunity to attract undecided female voters at Maria Shriver’s Women’s Conference. Prompted by Lauer, Brown agreed to pull his negative TV ads if Whitman would. She declined — and was jeered by a conference hall filled with several thousand women.

Regular readers know that I’ve been critical of e-Meg from the start. She says she wants to run California as a business, and so we examined her record at e-Bay.

We saw that e-Meg nearly ran that business into the ground. Her deal with the purchase of Skype (she did NOT buy the source code, so what did she pay billions of dollars for?), which lead to a lawsuit and ultimately e-Bay selling Skype back to its founders for a loss is only one exhibit of her lack of judgement and understanding.

The stories of e-Meg’s temper tantrums are legendary, from pushing her employees down, to belittling and humiliating them in public. Many more have come forward and said that they would not vote for her, others have said, bluntly, that she does not listen well.

The voting record of e-Meg is troubling as well. It seems she only got the bug for democracy after being involved in Grandpa Walnuts’ doomed campaign. Her excuse for not voting previously? She was raising a family. Her two sons are notorious brutes who have displayed nothing but thuggish and racist behavior, so it seems pretty clear she failed as a parent as well.

Our Scissorhead opinion, fellow Californiastans, is that e-Meg would make a terrible Governor, not because she is a Republican (though there is that, too), but because she is unqualified, temperamentally unsuited, lacks judgement, and rewards bad behavior.

News you can use all day

The new Thunderbird is quite a departure for Ford.

• Tomorrow is not built here today - Poll shows that 40% of Silicon Valley has been touched by job losses. It’s 100% when it is you. (Mercury News)
• Think we’re unhappy now? - The Thomson Reuters/University of Michigan’s final October reading on the overall index on consumer sentiment came in at 67.7, down from 68.2 in September and below the 68.0 median forecast among economists polled by Reuters. Just wait till the GOP starts austerity measures (Reuters)
• More work to do - Austan Goolsbee, chairman of President Barack Obama’s Council of Economic Advisors, said that while the economy continued to recover, faster growth was needed to bring down high unemployment more quickly. Lots’a luck with that. (AFP)

The Obama sex toy. “Your personal stimulus package.”

(Best Week Ever)

For more on the Macaca Awards, see our announcement.

We honor all that is appalling in American Politics with the First Semi-Regular Macaca Awards.

So tonight, fellow members of the Acadamy, please vote for Outstanding Achievement In Grifting.

Yes, tonight you get to vote for the best of the best of the worst. From self-indulgent use of the RNC’s AmEx Card, to not taking any questions during interviews, to threatening law suits to your interviewers, our American Grifters hold a candle to no one… usually because they have stolen it.

Click here to vote for your favorite Grifter. And remember: there is no loyalty amongst thieves, so vote only once, candidates. And remember, there will be new categories each night through the election!

A full-sized Pic of the candidates (from the voting link) is at The Raisin. Nonnie is amazing. Simply amazing.

(This post will be on top tonight, fresh snark, if any, is below)

…Weepy invades Toledo, sexytime with Clarence Thomas, and dancing bugs: it can only mean that it is time for The Weak in Review at the Magpie.

Gawker

…and the dude lives to tell about it. Halloween, too. Ladybugs were involved. Holy crap!

(Gawker)

Four child-centered stories that have me both upset and saddened this morning.  None of them involve those cute, happy children in the image above.  Follow the links for the full story on each story.

First up is a failure of the Obama administration:

Child soldiers backlash: White House argues continuing military assistance more important than enforcing law

Next is the story of child slaves in the UK. Not sure who to blame on this one.

Seven Romanian child ‘slaves’ as young as nine found working on English farm

Now a story from Indiana that I’d like to hear Sarah Palin’s opinion about. How would she feel if this were happening to little Trig?

Indiana’s budget crunch has become so severe that some state workers have suggested leaving severely disabled people at homeless shelters if they can’t be cared for at home, parents and advocates said.

As Marian Wright-Edelman wrote this week: Children Can’t Vote, But You Can — and Must. And protest. And tell the Obama administration that child soldiers matter.

Finally, a farmville story. Yes I play. Yes I know when my crops will be ready and even have the ability to harvest from my phone. I spend a lot of time online. But my regard for human life, and for the lives of children far exceeds my addiction to the latest color of horse or calf.

Alexandra V. Tobias, a 22-year-old mother from Jacksonville, FL, plead guilty to second degree murder in the death of her three-month-old son. She was angry because her child was crying while she was playing FarmVille on her computer.

Where’s Obama? Where’s the press? What are our family values? When did we go back to devaluing life so badly?

I was wondering when Diaperman’s hobby was going to become an issue. But what gets me about it is that they are making it a fiscal issue as well as moral.

John Boehner is going to campaign this weekend in Toledo, which is the Poland of Ohiostan, for Rich Iott, who is running for Kommandant of 5th SS Wiking Panzer Division.

Eric Cantor must be so proud!

(TPM)

News you can use all day

The Enthusiasm Gap Rally

• The duck with a walker - Recalling Nixon’s secret plan to end the Vietnam war, President Carebear tells bloggers that he “has a plan” for ending DADT, but he won’t tell us what it is. Oh, boy! (The Hill)
• Heckuva Job, Summers! - President Carebear told Jon Stewart that he thought Larry Summers did a heckuva job. “You don’t want to use that phrase, dude,” Mr. Stewart offered. (The Caucus)
• Indiana and the Shelter of Doom - Indiana’s state workers have suggested leaving severely disabled people at homeless shelters if they can’t be cared for at home. (AP)

Methinks these men have a little too much starch in their collars, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

(Hat tip: Scissorhead Skinny-D, who I understand leads an unbuttoned life.)

…the first Semi-Regular Macaca Awards

It seems so long ago that George Allen uttered the words that moved a generation (and sank his political career), and forever seared the word Macaca into our collective brain.

And so we honor all that is appalling in American Politics with the First Semi-Regular Macaca Awards.

Nightly, starting tomorrow night and concluding on Election Eve, you will be able to vote for the biggest Macaca in different categories. Nonnie and Tengrain will announce the winners on Election Eve, so this is democracy in action! Everyone is eligible to vote, no Arizonastan Juan Crow laws here, fellow citizens!

Please also check Hysterical Raisins for details.

Here’s an interesting thing: No’Donnell went on a local talk radio show (conservative), and got her ass handed to her by the host and the callers. No big deal, right?

Well, about 10 minutes into the thing she snaps her fingers and some dude in a suit comes into the frame and starts writing stuff down on a Postit Notes, and glaring at the host.

After the interview, the No’Donnell campaign threatened to sue the radio station if they did not turn over the video to them, and then later sort of relaxed.

So who is the angry, suited-up guy writing Postit Notes of doom to the host? No one knows. But you can see that No’Donnell is just a walking talking point, cannot think on her feet and basically refuses to answer any question. It’s a Teabagger Stonewalling performance unlike few others because they didn’t realize that they were being taped.

(WDEL via Wonkette)

Spanish hookers told:
“Wear yellow safety vests”, not
“Use day-glo condoms”

Proud Endorsers of Citizens United

Our favorite Rand Paul Aqua Buddhist footware model, Tim Profitt, says that the MoveOn lady should apologize to him:

I would like for her to apologize to me to be honest with you. She’s a professional at what she does, and I think when all the facts come out, I think people will see that she was the one that initiated the whole thing.

I wonder if Profitt says that all women are asking for it? Yes, I bet he does.

(TPM)

Proud Endorsers of Citizens United

(It’s been suggested that MPS needs to promote this image on its own…)

Now we know why Mooselini, our favorite Grifter, endorsed Joe Miller (The Moose-Savant):

Over the lunch hour this past Wednesday, I got on three computers (not belong to me) in the office. All of them were on and none of them were locked. I accessed my personal website for political purposes (participated in a poll), and then cleared the cache on each computer. I did the same thing on my computer. Jill asked the office what happened. I lied about accessing all of the computers. I then admitted about accessing the computers, but lied about what I was doing. Finally, I admitted what I did.

This is from Miller’s sworn testimony involved in his resignation as an attorney in Alaskastan. News organizations won the release of his testimony, and when a candidate calls himself a liar a week before the election…

(TPM)

SoxFirst.com

Mysterious billionare nightmare figure for Wingnuttia, George Soros, donted a cool $1M to the California campaign to legalize doobies. For a million bucks, Soros could buy Humboldt county and had all the sweet, sweet hippy sex he ever wanted. (McClatchy)

News you can use all day

Wouldn’t an Amber Alert be more effective?

• Blue Screen of Death (literally) - A computer glitch (Vista? Naw, Windows ME) took took 50 US nuclear inter-continental ballistic missiles offline over the weekend. Good thing that heathen commies don’t work weekends! (AFP)
• Every law in Arizonastan is illegal - A federal appeals court on Tuesday struck down an Arizona requirement that residents prove U.S. citizenship in order to register to vote but upheld a mandate that they present identification before casting their ballots. You must prove you are Jan Brewer before you can vote there. Viva Zapata! (Reuters)
• Used Cars - The specially equipped Aston Martin (it’s got an ejector seat, machine guns, and a world-class pedigree) first driven by Sean Connery in “Goldfinger” — will be auctioned in London on tonight. Man, time are tough all over if Bond has to sell his car, but then again, the Tube works really well. (AP)

Looks like the entire family could host a marshmallow contest in the Castro, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I do wonder if that is the before or after picture?

(Hat tip: Scissorhead Dimitrios)

The game is made of 18 karat gold and numerous gemstones, with 165 gems decorating the property squares, photo-etching on the “Chance” and “Community Chest” cards, and 42 full-cut diamonds marking the number dots on the die. The game has an estimated overall value of $2 million, with the set of dice alone worth $10,000.

The perfect Christmas present on Wall Street.

(hat tip: Scissorhead Mr. C. Montgomery Burns, who knows a thing or two about Monopoly.)

Proud Endorsers of Citizens United

We all saw the Rand Paul supporter who stomped on the head of some lady from MoveOn (was he wearing Medicare Booties? We want to know), who says he did it to protect America’s Favorite Aqua Buddhist and Ophthalmologist (uncertified):

“I’m sorry that it came to that, and I apologize if it appeared overly forceful, but I was concerned about Rand’s safety,” Tim Profitt said, adding that it was not as bad as it looked on video and blamed police for not intervening.

Tim Profitt (does everyone in this story have an Ayn Randian name?) was the Rand Paul Bourbon County Campaign Coordinator. He’s been dropped and banned from future events, and now he’s been summonsed to appear.

Man. That Aqua Buddha is one mo’fo. Head stomping, Bourbon, Profitt, Rand. Can this stupid news story get any more Faulknerian goes to Kentucky? Yes, yes it can. I’m sure there will be more tomorrow, with 11 herbs and spices.

(AP)

California GOP Senate challenger Carly Fiorina was sidelined Tuesday from the campaign trail in the final week of a close race to be treated for an infection associated with her reconstructive surgery after breast cancer.

The former Hewlett-Packard Co. chief executive was admitted to a Los Angeles-area hospital, forcing her to cancel campaign appearances in Riverside and Coachella just as polls suggested she was starting to gain momentum in her race against Democratic Sen. Barbara Boxer.
According to Deborah Bowker, the campaign’s chief of staff, Fiorina was being treated with antibiotics.

I despise iCarly, I loathe her.

That said, I never wish ill on anyone (unlike Wingnuttia, the left does not pray for death for our foes, only for enlightenment), and so I hope she recovers so she can lose to Barbara Boxer with dignity.