i did not know it would be like this
I have not written in a while... so many things have changed in my life over the past two years, there was (and still is) so much to worry about, that I did not have the strength to keep writing on this blog - writing in the way I used to write, with the same frequency, and about the same topics. I know that this period of my life will pass, that things will improve soon. I know this rationally, but I cannot quite feel it yet.
My father passed away a few months ago. For the first month, so many things needed to be done that I did not allow myself to feel anything during the day. Sometime, at night, that part of me would be let loose, and I would find it extremely hard to fall asleep. But then I would get exhausted, sleep, and things would keep going. I felt like I could control this, if only I stayed concentrated on the myriad of things that needed to be taken care of.
But you can only do this for so long. After that month, I got back to my life, but things have started to get worse. Maybe they need to - maybe I need to allow myself to feel the pain, so that I can get over it later, or that I can at least learn how to co-exist with it. But when I let it loose, I simply relinquish control over things - those things that still need doing.
The world does not wait for you - time, life, do not wait for you. It does not matter whether I want to give myself time - time just moves on, the years go by, and chances are missed. I need to get back on track now, not some four-six months in the future, but I fell like all the strength to do that has been sapped, has been sucked right out of me.
I rationally know that this is part of the process, but I wish I could just concentrate on those damned books, on talking to the people I need to talk to, on taking the steps that need taking now, right now.
How do you do this? What strategy do you use to get through something like this without letting the rest fall behind schedule?
P.S. I have always despised people who use blogs just to whine about their own petty personal problems (and the shtuff they bought at the mall). But I guess sometimes one just needs to say it out loud, even when the people around you probably can't take the mood swings anymore... so here I am.
View blog reactions
