Van Nuys Blvd.: “Your tax dollars at work.”
31 Mar
Our Cast
Bobby (Bill Adler) – small-town guy who leaves behind his boring life to cruise in his kickass van on Van Nuys Boulevard.
Moon (Cynthia Wood) – a rare female van racer, and Bobby’s love interest.
Greg (Dennis Bowen) – an impulsive, overemotional guy intent on stalking a girl whom he has dreamed about. May or may not be functionally retarded.
Camille (Melissa Prophet) – Moon’s BFF, and the object of Greg’s obsession. Also? SMOKING HOT.
Chooch (David Hayward) – an older guy who just can’t let go of the joys of cruising.
Officer Zass (Dana Gladstone) – The Man who is trying to keep the fun-loving younger generation down. Has incredibly bad luck, in no small part due to the fact that he is surrounded by idiots.
Wanda (Tara Strohmeier) – a drive-in waitress, initially hot for Bobby, but later a love interest for Chooch.
Our Story
Van Nuys Blvd. is a 1979 “cruising” movie, written and directed by William Sachs, who is also responsible for Galaxina and Leprechaun. In the Grand Sachs Tradition, Van Nuys Blvd. is silly and fun and has no ulterior purpose other than to be silly and fun. You’ve gotta love a director who just doesn’t give a shit about making meaningful art.
I grew up in a small town, so I am all about the cruising. These movies with kids driving around aimlessly and getting into trouble always bring me back to my teenhood. Well do I remember the illicit drag races, the random hookups, and the knock-down fights of the weekend cruising lifestyle. Van Nuys Blvd. differs from a lot of cruising films in that the action doesn’t take place in a small town but in Los Angeles County, on a major arterial road. Back in the day, cruising Van Nuys Boulevard was a Big Fucking Deal, and this movie was in no small part responsible for police shutting down the cruising scene on the Boulevard. Way to destroy the very thing you’re praising, Sachs!
Now, I must warn you that I may have some events out of order here. It really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. The important thing to take away from this movie is…well, OK, there is nothing important to take away from this movie. It’s just a lighthearted movie about young adults being absolutely retarded. Kind of like the Jersey Shore of its time.
The movie centers around a guy named Bobby, played by Bill Adler (last seen as Duane in The Pom Pom Girls), who decides to leave his boring trailer-park life and perpetually naked girlfriend to cruise on the titular Van Nuys Boulevard, inspired by a news report in which a Van Nuys police officer (Officer Zass) talks up how out-of-control these crazy cruisin’ kids are. Bobby takes his super-hott van to the Big City to realize his dream of slowly driving back and forth on the same road for hours at a time. And people say the kids of the ’70s had no ambition!
Bobby’s new wild-and-crazy life kicks off with a bang at a drive-in restaurant on the Boulevard, where he falls in lust with a waitress named Wanda. He exhibits said lust by gazing longingly at her ass as she struts around the drive-in. I don’t exactly get the lust, because Wanda has a textbook example of the sad phenomenon known as White Girl Ass.
Wait, I think I see it…anyone got a magnifying glass?
Despite Wanda’s lack of bootyliciousness, Bobby pursues her, eventually leading to a somewhat disturbing scene in which the two naked lovebirds share a hamburger (a la the spaghetti of Lady and the Tramp) and then have sex while covered in mustard, ketchup, and whipped cream.
“No, I think you misunderstood — I didn’t ask if you had any condiments.”
Meanwhile, a dorky kid named Greg and his friend are parked somewhere when Greg spots the absolutely stunning Camille in the car next to them. Greg immediately loses his shit, telling his friend that — even though he’s never seen her before tonight — he has dreamed about Camille three times. Greg, being the penultimate romantic (i.e., a complete psycho stalker), decides that fate has brought the two of them together. His friend, noticing Camille’s jock boyfriend, reasonably suggests that Greg STFU and forget about his dream girl. But Greg is persistent (i.e., batshit insane), and he decides to scare the hell out of Camille by tapping on her car window and screaming that he dreamed about her.
Flirting: You’re doing it wrong.
Camille’s boyfriend, needless to say, kicks the shit out of Greg, which for some reason upsets Camille. Now, if some stranger started screaming through my car window that he’d dreamed about me, I would expect my husband to beat the hell out of him. Not Camille. She obviously has self-esteem issues, if she finds psycho stalker guys to be endearing and romantic. But then, most chicks dig that whole John-Cusack-Say-Anything-stalker-with-a-boombox deal, so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.
This scuffle between Greg and Camille’s boyfriend leads to a scene of wanton pseudo-destruction, as the guys proceed to beat the hell out of each other’s cars. Some random passersby join in on the action, because if you were surrounded by psycho people beating up on cars, wouldn’t you join in? (I would, for the record.) Unfortunately, the cars being beaten are ’70s American-made cars, which means that they are made of adamantium and are therefore indestructible by anything less than a nuclear explosion (and then only if said nuclear explosion occurred within a five-foot radius of the cars). So we get minutes of footage of people slinging sledgehammers at cars and making nary a dent. It is as awesome as it sounds.
American Automotive Engineering 1, Wannabe Vandals 0
After this unimpressive display of machismo, Greg’s friend and Camille’s boyfriend get the hell out of Dodge. Greg then has the good fortune to hook up with a slutty hot chick on a motorcycle.
Meanwhile, Officer Zass (he of the TV interview that inspired Bobby to seek out Van Nuys Boulevard) is hassling a cruiser named Chooch. Chooch is That Guy — you know, the one you don’t want to be. Chooch is a less charming Wooderson — a guy who’s way too old to be hanging out with these kids, but who is still desperately trying to cling to his youth by basically being a completely deluded dumbass. Going back to the Jersey Shore analogy, Chooch is The Situation of Van Nuys Blvd.
Ironically, the film’s oldest character doesn’t drive a minivan.
I must take a moment here and talk about Officer Zass, who is probably my favorite character of the film. I consider myself to be an individualist, a nonconforming free spirit with an innate distrust of authority. However, I always find myself sympathizing with The Man in these cheesy ’70s teen flicks. Maybe it’s because I hate teenagers even more than I hate authority. Zass is an especially sympathetic character, because he’s really not as big of a dick as he’s initially portrayed, and to be fair to the movie, I think Sachs wanted Zass to be a sympathetic character. Sure, he’s a cop who’s trying to outlaw cruising on the Boulevard, but if you had to deal with these obnoxious know-it-all teenagers (not to mention people like Chooch, who are way past the old-enough-to-know-better stage) every day of your life, you would turn into a bitter, fun-hating person, too. That is why Officer Zass is the true hero of the movie, because he somehow manages to survive with a semblance of his sanity despite being surrounded by absolute dipshits.
My hero.
And now back to our supposed hero, Bobby. At the drive-in, he spies that elusive creature: The Female Van Driver. Her name is Moon, and she is played by Playmate Cynthia “Cyndi” Wood. I encourage you to seek out her Playboy photos, because she is truly a gorgeous lady — for whatever reason, the movie hairstylists decided to fug her up with a most unfortunate ’70s perm-and-big-bangs ‘do that is not flattering on anyone who is not a poodle. Moon has “dream girl” Camille with her, and although Camille is about 50 times hotter than Moon (at least in this movie), Bobby is clearly jonesin’ for Miss Poodle Hair 1979. The whole thing culminates in a race between Bobby and Moon to see who has the most badass minivan. Unfortunately, Zass shows up to cockblock their fun.
First one to the cop car wins!
Also, notice that Moon (in the dark blue van on the right) is clearly beating Bobby’s ass here.
Anyway, Zass hauls the dragsters into the clink, where they are greeted by Chooch. Apparently Chooch gets arrested every Wednesday night when he cruises. Seriously, dude? Every Wednesday? This man’s dedication to cruising cannot be overstated. Also, what law enforcement agency wastes precious time and resources by arresting cruisers constantly, and then just letting them go? How much taxpayer money is being flushed down the toilet for this pointless endeavor? If I were a citizen of Los Angeles County, I would demand some answers.
Eventually psycho-stalker Greg is also thrown into the cell, and hence we have our Big Bonding Moment in which our disparate little group becomes BFFs. Moon and Bobby engage in some mad flirting, and Camille softens up towards Greg, who is slightly less psycho here but still not out of the Red Flag Zone yet. Now that our gang is all together, we can really let the fun begin. What will these wacky kids (and Chooch) get up to??!?
These are the children of the Greatest Generation. Are you depressed yet?
As soon as they’re free from the slammer, they go to an amusement park and ride a big scary rollercoaster called the Revolution. I am totally with them on this one. Amusement parks are the best! There is approximately 45 minutes worth of footage of the kids (and Chooch) riding the rollercoaster, which is surprisingly more fun to watch than it sounds. At least I didn’t have to listen to them whine about The Man getting them down or awkwardly flirt with each other. After the ride, though, Chooch realizes that he can’t hang with these young, crazy kids, because he has a perfectly normal case of motion sickness. He runs to the bathroom to puke, and he is summarily humiliated and then ostracized from the group.
The humiliation of a delusional man in a permanent midlife crisis should not be funny…but it is.
Free from the creepy old guy hanging around, our foursome of Camille, Greg, Bobby, and Moon can now couple off and engage in more pointless teenage fun. At one point, they run into Wanda. Remember Wanda, the drive-in waitress with the unfortunate ass who totally did Bobby in the back of his van, whilst covered in condiments? Wanda sees that Bobby and Moon are together and gets all butthurt and runs away. I sure do feel for whatever hapless male encounters her next.
The foursome then play a game of beach volleyball, where we are treated to an all-too-brief segment in which Moon and Camille (ahhh, Camille) are in bikinis.
By far the film’s best moment.
All that athleticism has whetted Greg’s appetite for a bigass sandwich, so he heads to a deli to buy one. If you are thinking, Nothing good can come of eating a large sandwich, then you must be familiar with teen comedies. In a move that is actually pretty hilarious, Greg gets lockjaw from trying to bite into an overstuffed sandwich a la Shaggy and Scooby-Doo.
“Oh, don’t worry…I’ve had much bigger things in my mouth.”
This prompts a trip to the local emergency room, where Our Fearless Foursome is hassled by an old, sassy black woman in Admitting. Greg’s lockjaw prohibits him from speaking coherently, and his three newfound friends are little help once they realize — in a hilariously played, realistic moment — that they don’t even know Greg’s last name.
Say what you will about Greg…the man can do a fabulous impression of a blowup doll.
Eventually Greg does get admitted to the ER and gets his jaw fixed. I can only imagine the conversation he had with the attending physician, and I can’t help but think of Chris Parnell’s character on SNL’s “Appalachian E.R.” skits.
This whole incident apparently turns Camille on so much that she tells Greg to sneak into her bedroom that night for some covert nookie. Unfortunately, Greg is a complete fuckup, and he winds up climbing through the wrong window and snuggling naked in bed with Camille’s parents.
This is a good argument for keeping a loaded rifle on your nightstand.
This will not be the last time we see Camille’s parents, nor will it be the most disturbing thing that happens in Camille’s house.
Meanwhile, let’s check in on Waitress Wanda and see how she’s doing. As it turns out, she’s making out with Officer Zass in the back of his police car, parked on a beach. Unfortunately for Zass, he has no idea that he’s putting the moves on a chick who only hours ago got fucked and forgotten. Wanda has vengeance against anyone with a penis on her mind, and she convinces Zass to get out of the car, strip down to his underwear, and close his eyes. Zass really wants to get laid, because he does it all with complete trust in this young woman despite her flaming case of Crazy Eyes. To no one’s surprise (except Zass’s), Wanda handcuffs him to his car and then throws his keys in the sand before hauling ass out of there. This is what happens when you think with your dick, guys.
Aaaand back to Our Fearless Foursome, who are now at a disco. We are treated to an extended disco segment (on the director’s commentary, Sachs admitted to hating this part), which only serves to reinforce my firmly-held belief that white people should never dance.
Later, Greg and Camille devise a clever plan in which Greg dresses in drag so he can pretend to be her girlfriend and spend the night with her.
This is the kind of thing that teenagers did before the Internet.
His outfit is enough to fool Camille’s dad, who can’t stop thinking about his daughter’s hot blond friend with the man hands. This prompts what may be one of the most disturbing scenes I’ve ever seen in a movie, and I am including Cannibal Holocaust here. Seriously, those of you with delicate sensibilities might want to just skip this next part.
Still with me? OK. In the middle of the night, while Greg is naked on top of Camille attempting to get his swerve on, Camille’s dirty, perverted father comes into the bedroom and starts FEELING UP GREG. Yes, that is right: Camille’s dad likes to molest young women that his daughter brings home for sleepovers. Also, he apparently can’t tell the difference between a man and a woman, and he seems not to wonder why Camille’s “girlfriend” would be straddling her. It’s entirely possible that Camille’s dad is a raving lunatic.
Not shown in this movie: the years of therapy Camille needed after moving out of this house.
Camille’s dad is interrupted by his wife bursting into the room and turning on the lights, and can you imagine being Mama Camille and finding your husband licking the ass of your daughter’s nude boyfriend? I think that’s grounds for, like, instantaneous divorce.
Back to happier subjects, the sun is now up and Zass is suffering second-degree sunburns due to his unenviable condition of being handcuffed outside a car on the beach. When a dog approaches him, Zass thinks he has found his salvation, but unfortunately for him, the dog does not understand Zass’s commands to find the buried handcuff key and deliver it into Zass’s waiting hand. I must admit to being a sucker for the time-honored comedic cliche of someone’s livelihood being placed squarely in the lap of an animal, or a very small child, or Heidi Montag, or something similarly vapid.
The man just cannot catch a break.
Poor Zass is also taunted by a hippie, who refuses to help Zass out “because [he's] The Man, man.” If I were Zass, I would ensure that my foot eventually found its way inside that guy’s ass once I finally got free. Zass’s mother even shows up, for the sole purpose of abandoning him. And people wonder why this man became so embittered about life.
Meanwhile, the woman who put Zass in his current awkward position has found her way to Chooch. Chooch, who is probably unused to any sort of positive female attention, is instantly enamored of Wanda and turns his flirting up to 11. For Chooch, flirting = acting like he’s so hardcore that he can’t smoke pot because it gives him “reefer madness” and pretending to do 200 bicep curls with a pair of dumbbells. Wanda is charmed by Chooch’s asshattery, which shouldn’t be too surprising given that this is a chick who gets turned on by having mustard smeared on her body.
And what is our hero-in-name-only up to? Why, he’s working on his van while Moon is trying to get his attention. It’s obvious to anyone who’s been around women that Moon is suffering from a highly progressed case of Slow Burn, but Bobby is blissfully ignorant. Finally Moon explodes, demanding to know why Bobby cares more about his van than about her. Maybe because he’s had his van for years but has only known Moon for, like, three days? I mean, that’s just a guess. With her “all you care about is that stupid van” rant, Moon has propelled herself at warp-speed into Fatal Attraction Galaxy.
Apparently Chooch and Wanda seriously hit it off, because we soon learn that they’re getting married. Or maybe they already got married. Hell if I can remember. The important revelation is that Chooch is giving up cruising. Let me restate that emphatically, in case the gravity of it did not hit you full-force the first time: CHOOCH IS GIVING UP CRUISING. Yes, this is the very man who, for god-knows-how-many years, spent every Wednesday night in jail to pursue his passion for cruising. Obviously all he needed was the love of a good woman. Or just to get laid. Whichever.
This is more than a mere handshake…this is Chooch passing on his cruising legacy to Bobby.
If you’re anything like me, by this point you’re thinking, But what about the awesome Zass? Did he make it off the beach alive? Why yes, he did. And apparently his misfortune at the hands of vengeful young women, self-righteous hippies, and obnoxious cruising teenagers has forced him to reexamine his life. Because Zass has now become…a cruiser.
His license plate led countless California motorists to scratch their heads and wonder, “What the hell is a ‘Z’ ass?”
Now all that’s left is a rematch van race between Moon and Bobby, even though Moon clearly beat Bobby the first time they raced. Camille, Greg, Wanda, and Chooch apparently have nothing better to do, so they tag along to watch the race. Moon’s still reading Bobby the riot act over him loving his van more than he loves her. I think she even cries. I don’t care about that petty foolishness, though, because we’re about to witness the second-greatest moment of this film: Camille waving the flag to start the race.
Now that? Is an “A” ass.
Spoiler alert: Bobby wins. Oh, and then his van goes tumbling down a very small hill. Yes, that’s right: in an effort to prove that he cares more about Moon than about his van, Bobby jumped out of a moving vehicle and crashed his only mode of transportation. He’s hardcore like that.
A screencap could never capture the true awesomeness of watching a minivan roll down a hill.
Suitably horrified, Moon runs away from him, and everyone drives off, leaving Bobby to ponder the consequences of impulsive decision-making. But wait…they’re all just kidding! Camille, Greg, Moon, Chooch, and Wanda execute illegal U-turns on the freeway and rejoin their newly vanless friend. Bobby and Moon suck face while the rest of the crew romantically drives in circles around them. It’s just like the end of Casablanca, only with minivans.
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