Paperback 342: I Fear You Not / Ben Kerr (Popular Library 763)

Paperback 342: Popular Library 763 (PBO, 1956)

Title: I Fear You Not
Author: Ben Kerr (pseud. of William Ard)
Cover artist: Uncredited

Yours for: Not For Sale

Best things about this cover:

• "C'mon, this is prime lady flesh. At $4.95 / lb. ... you're not gonna get a better price than that!"
• "Take My Wife... seriously, take her, she's drivin' me and my pal Barney here nuts!"
• "Hi, Steve? I'm just calling you from my bubble bath to tell you that I fear you not, OK? OK, bye."
• *He Bought Cops The Way He Bought Women ... With A Nice Dinner And A Little Sweet Talk*
• "Down I Go," HA ha.
• The exclamation point motif (continued, in spades, on the back cover) is Exquisite.

Best things about this back cover:

• Poor Rita: "Ok, I've got on a sweater, parka, overcoat, headscarf ... so how 'bout now?" "Nope, sorry, you still look naked." "Damn it!" "Maybe tweed will work. Try tweed."
• Poor Paul: It's hard to come out to your mom, on the phone, in the '50s.
• Poor Gloria: She just looks really, really stupid.

Page 123~

He watched dispassionately as her shadowy figure gathered up clothes and put them on. It was a lithe young figure, a pleasure to watch in motion, but its bloom was aborning."

Easy on the thesaurus work there, Yeats. "Aborning?!" As in "Your writing is 'aborning' me to tears?"

~RP

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Paperback 337: Depart This Life / E. X. Ferrars (Popular Library SP275)

Paperback 337: Popular Library SP275 (1st ptg, 1964)

Title: Depart This Life
Author: E. X. Ferrars
Cover artist: some guy whose girlfriend/model was Seriously tripping

Yours for: $7


Best things about this cover:

• If I were being attacked by miniature crows that explode into fireballs upon impact, I'm pretty sure I'd be making that face too.
• It's as if she's gazing in disbelief at the title: "'Who would name a book something so stupid?' she asked, as miniature crows continued to dive-bomb her face and torso..."

Best things about this back cover:

• Oh right, this guy—world's worst logo. Is the artist literally trying to spell out "CRIME" with this "guy's" body parts?
• "Master of well-mannered terror" = "master of polite violence" or "prudish hot chicks," i.e. what?
• If your book has a character named Hilda Gazeley, there is a 90% chance you are thinking too hard about your character names.

Page 123~

She paused to draw a rasping breath. She was in a state of terror.

Did you seriously just tell me that "She was in a state of terror?" How sucky are you as a writer that you cannot convey this to me through her speech, actions, etc.? Just reading this page is a reminder why I don't read "well-mannered" anything. It's all characters talking in preposterous exposition.

~RP

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Interlude — 2 books I "borrowed" from the BPOE in St. Maries, ID

Come on, how was I *not* supposed to take these?:


Best things about this cover:

• So ... it's about a vengeful virgin? Why not just call it that?
• I'm not sure I'm convinced that Mr. FancyShirt QuaintPinky could make a door explode like that. Seriously, look at his "grip" on that gun. It's like he's drinking tea or something.

Best things about this back cover:

• "Reifel" — from the Dept. of Unimaginative Naming

Best things about this cover:

• When grilling Nick Carter, make sure his massive barrel chest is well basted.
• "Just a second Nick, I'm almost at the next level of 'Missile Command'..."
• That Nick Carter head/logo is the smuggest, douchebaggiest look achievable by a human face.

Best things about this back cover:

• WHEN was it acceptable to break "assassination" between the first and second Ss???

Page 123~

from "Assassination Brigade":

He fired, and the bullet chipped off a piece of pavement about an inch away from me. By then, I had Wilhelmina in my own hand. The man only had the opportunity to snap off one more shot before I had steadied the barrel of my Luger and put a bullet in his belly.

In case you missed that — he named his Luger "Wilhelmina." God save me from ever finding out what that particular relationship is like.

~RP

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57 Books from the University Book Sale: Book 47

Title: Reno Rendezvous (Popular 60-2119, 1st ptg, 1967)
Author: Leslie Ford (last one, I swear)
Cover artist: Uncredited

Yours for: $7

• Kinky.
• I like how the accidental abrasions on her mouth make her look like a vampire.
• "Thinking about divorce? ... Think Again!" — that should have been the tagline.
• From the neck (*just* below the rope) down, this woman is hot.
• I wish this artist got credit. I'd like to know the name behind this painter with a predilection for neck-snapping. I'll just call him "Snappy." See also...

And the back of "Reno Rendezvous" ...

• "A flying visit to Reno.." — why does that phrasing sound off?
• I wouldn't worry about the "shadow of a noose." I'd worry about the actual noose. That one. There. Around your neck.

Page 123~

She raised her eyes to his, round and blue as delft saucers.

Not so much sexy as comically cartoonish. "You remind me of this anime I saw once..."

~RP

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57 Books from the University Book Sale: Book 46

Title: Murder is the Pay-Off (Popular Library 50-426, 1st ptg, 1960)
Author: Leslie Ford (she can't be stopped)
Cover artist: uncredited

Yours for: $7

• "Here, hold this dead man against your chin. It'll stop the swelling."
• She looks like a lady in a commercial for some cleanser that gets blood stains out of your carpet.
• The horrific palette on Ms. Ford's books continues unabated.
• "Wallop" is a funny word.

• I'm not sure you want to suggest that the reader has to be "dragged along."
• "GUARANTEE!" — I can't wait to see what this "full reading satisfaction" is all about.

Page 123~

Swede Carlson's thick hand planted itself quickly in the dark on Gus Blake's knee.

Mmm, I smell full reading satisfaction up ahead ...

~RP

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57 Books from the University Book Sale: Book 45

Title: The Philadelphia Murder Story (Popular Library SP408, 1960)
Author: Leslie Ford (redefining the word "prolific")
Cover artist: uncredited. Criminally uncredited.

Yours for: $7

• This guy better be a zombie or involved in some kind of performance art because there is no way I'm buying the guy died that way, with his (ghastly) hand lightly fondling a lily pad.
• The hand-flower-face triad is just genius. Absurd, horrific genius. It does not, however, scream "Philadelphia" to me.
• "OK, we got some ideas for the title of your new book. You remember that famous movie, 'The Philadelphia Story?' Yeah, Jimmy Stewart, Katharine Hepburn, right. So we were thinking: 'The Philadelphia ... MURDER ... Story.' Huh? Huh? Whaddya think? Catchy, right? P.S. the cover will feature the undead playing hide-and-seek."

• Talk about giving up — they've not only replicated the front cover painting, but the *front cover blurb* as well.
• Again ... you're saying one thing and I'm seeing another. Didn't see Philadelphia ... not seeing this "web" thing you speak of either.

Page 123~

The people at the Post all had them on their desks for paper weights.

I'm just gonna let that hang there. You can decide for yourself what "them" are.

~RP

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57 Books from the University Book Sale: Book 43

Sorry for the lag between new books ... stupid job with its stupid starting up again ...

Title: Ill Met By Moonlight
Author: Leslie Ford
Cover artist: uncredited

Yours for: $6

• Ill Met by Moths!
• Love *everything* about this picture, from the sickly green tint, to the lady's expression (looking at me for help! Sorry lady, you're on your own!), to that hand — remarkably still, creepily calm for being attached to someone who just unleashed serious moth fury.
• Is this how our "lovely vixen" (uh, a stretch) toys with (one too many) men? "Here, this way, just come into my boudoir ... I know it's dark, just wait, let me get the light and BOOM! Moths moths moths! Ha ha ha, you should see the look on your face... you still wanna do it?"

• Wait, is this the same "she?" Because it's going to be hard for her to be "found dead" *and* to be toying with men. Unless ... she comes back from the dead as a specter doomed to haunt her former lovers with an unshakable retinue of moths ... yes, that sounds good.

Page 123~

"However, we may be a bit forrarder."

forrarder, adv. chiefly British : further ahead

~RP

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57 Books from the University Book Sale: Book 42

Title: Road to Folly (Popular Library 60-2158, 1st thus, [1967])
Author: Leslie Ford
Cover artist: uncredited

Yours for: $3

• Least sexy threesome of all time
• "Me and my pet hourglass and this photo of my mom gotta stay under this net on account of the tse-tses..."
• "Good telling!" — "I say, old chap, good telling, pip pip etc."

• Pardon my French, but Jennifer Reid sounds like a fucking idiot who deserves whatever she gets.

Page 123~

"She's better this morning, thanks, Boston. How are you?"
"Po'ly, miss, thank you. You lookin' mighty peaked yo'self, Miss Jenny."

Yeah, I don't want to read this.

~RP

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57 Books from the University Book Sale: Books 18-20

Biography Edition — three lovely ladies to spice up your Thanksgiving

Yours for: you tell me!

Title: Red Carpet for Mamie Eisenhower (Popular Library G164, 1956)
Author: Alden Hatch
Cover artist: photo!

• Note to Mamie — hire a portrait painter next time. You are lovely, but this photo makes you look like a girl nervously awaiting her prom date
• Love the Marilyn Monroe / stripper gloves. The bangs ... not so much

• I'm hoping "folksy" means something different than it does today (where it's code for "white and backwards")

Title: The Elizabeth Taylor Story (Hillman MF-1, 1961)
Author: Alan Levy
Cover artist: photo!

• Superior book design compared to the other two bios today. Love the font and alternating colors on the title, and the 90-degree tilt to the author's name. Plus, the photo's hot
• This book is numbered "MF-1," which would be a badass name for a private plane

• Yowza!
• I must tell you that Alan Levy is the "author of Operation Elvis" (acc. to the title page)

Title: There Goes What's Her Name: The Continuing Saga of Virginia Graham (Avon V2153, 1966)
Author: Virginia Graham
Cover artist: photo!

• "There goes what's her name ... you know, the one who looks like a drag queen with a tidal wave of shellacked hair..."
• I love the false modesty of the title. "Aw shucks, I'm a nobody but OMG HERE COMES MY NAME IN BIG YELLOW LETTERS!"

Page 123~ (from "... What's Her Name")

It is almost as unheard of to be sentimental in today's world as it is for a teen-ager to stand when an adult walks into the room.

Almost as uncommon as the hyphenated spelling of "teen-ager."

~RP

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57 Books from the University Book Sale: Book 4

Title: Stairway to an Empty Room (Popular Library, undated — early/mid-60s)

Author: Dolores Hitchens

Cover artist: uncredited

Yours for: best offer

• Oh, snap!
• Stairway to a massive car interior
• His left hand is Disgusting — like the claw of some mythical, horrifying sea creature
• "They said 'just lift the neck' ... why ain't there no candy comin' out! What good's a life-sized Pez dispenser if it don't put out!?"
• Dolores Hitchens is actually a pretty good writer

• One-armed, bow-legged spy with wide, rectangular wang = interesting logo choice
• "Expertly tautened!" — next time I see a pair of high, firm breasts, I'll know what to say

Page 123~

Biddy's fingers writhed inside Monica's. The hot eyes were frightened and unsure. "You let me alone. You get out of here."

If only that first sentence read "Biddy's fingers writhed inside Monica" — I might be inclined to read it.

~RP

Paperback 300: The Winds of Fear / Hodding Carter (Popular Library 300)

Paperback 300: Popular Library 300 (1st ptg, 1950)

Title: The Winds of Fear
Author: Hodding Carter
Cover artist: Rudolph "Creamy Skin" Belarski

Yours for: $23


Best things about this cover:

• "The Winds of Fear hurt my ears."
• That is the rackiest rack I've seen in a while. Those boobs look oddly fake for 50s boobs. Braless boobs of that magnitude should not do what those are doing, i.e. remaining perfectly taut and nearly perfectly spherical, defying gravity, etc.
• Not enough people are named "Hodding" these days. Damn shame.
• I can't tell if the sheriff is assaulting the poor black man with his heat vision, or if the black man shoots fire out his ears when he gets real angry.
• I usually avoid things that are both angry and probing...
• Complete and utter (and eerie) coincidence that "Paperback 300" is actually numbered 300.

Best things about this back cover:

• "KICKED OPEN," I say.
• "Cancy!" The absurd name train just won't stop runnin'.
• "A scheming honkytonk girl" — now we're talking.
• "Decent people protested ..." Why do I have a feeling I won't find them "decent"?

Page 123~

Colored boys from Carvell City and from near Carvell City were complaining of mistreatment and humiliation, or boasting from overseas of another world where white girls and sort of white girls in England and North Africa looked favorably on soldiers with dark skin.

"Sort of white girls" is a new category to me.

~RP

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Paperback 299: Ward 20 / James Warner Bellah (Popular Library 195)

Paperback 299: Popular Library 195 (1st ptg, 1950)

Title: Ward 20
Author: James Warner Bellah
Cover artist: Rudolph Belarski

Yours for: $16


Best things about this cover:

• "I know my breasts are soft and ripe and possibly delicious but let's just keep your hand right here, mkay?"
• Most pristine Army Hospital ever. Look at that bandage! Those sheets! Her uniform! His pajamas! Immaculate.
• Everyone in a Rudolph Belarski painting always has the smoothest, most luscious, buttery skin. These folks are angelic, bordering on cherubic.

Best things about this back cover:

• Love the way "LOVELY LEGS" springs up tall.
• "Meneilly" joins the growing roster of "Absurd Names from the world of Vintage Paperbacks" — I don't even know if that's a first or last name. I'm praying last.
• Awesome line break near the bottom: "... their need for women — so hard / To fill"; you had me at "hard."

Page 123~

"Let me go now," she whispered.
"You don't want me to."
"You've got to, Joe!"
"Who says so? You don't. You want me to hold onto you until you can't breathe — until you can't think or —"

This was later turned into the very unpopular movie, "What Women Don't Want"

~RP

Bonus material: opening blurb from one A.Q. Maisel of The Saturday Review of Books suggests that "there are many who will gag" when they read this book. Best come-on since, well, "The Macabre Wife Swapping Escapades Will Make You Vomit!.

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Paperback 296: The Dreadful Night / Ben Ames Williams (Popular Library 155)

Paperback 296: Popular Library 155 (1st ptg, 1948)

Title: The Dreadful Night
Author: Ben Ames Williams
Cover artist: Rudolph Belarski

Yours for: $16


Best things about this cover:

• "Hello, police, I'm being pursued by ... hello? ... damn, this isn't my phone!"
• Rudolph Belarski: Master of DramaticHands (TM)
• That look is not fear. It is sadistic glee. And the man with the hands is not coming after her. He's about to keel over backwards. See, she has just plucked his heart from his chest with one vicious, kungfu strike. "Ha, take that, you bastard! Hey, I can hear the ocean in this thing..."
• "A Novel of Love, Hate and Death" — yep, that pretty much covers it.
• That's some structured swimwear, that is.
• Why is she at the seashore during a thunderstorm?

Best things about this back cover:

• Text me!
• "Adah Capello!" — no offense to all the ADAHs out there, but come on!
• God, these Popular Library back cover write-ups are dreadful. It's like a 9-yr-old kind of sort of recounting what happens in a book he's just read.

Page 123~

Marco the dog was there [I want to stop the quote right there], swimming this way and that, barking incessantly in a frenzied and pitiful fashion; behind his head a wide ripple spread as he quested to and fro..."

Uh ... "quested?" Is he a knight-dog?

~RP

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Paperback 294: Lady in Peril / Ben Ames Williams (Popular Library 164)

Paperback 294: Popular Library 164 (1st ptg, 1948)

Title: Lady in Peril
Author: Ben Ames Williams
Cover artist: Rudolph Belarski

Yours for: $23

It's "LADY IN PERIL" week at "Pop Sensation" — three early Popular Library covers all featuring ... yes, you guessed it, LADIES IN PERIL. First up, "LADY IN PERIL" —


Best things about this cover:

• "I'll be back in five minutes, I swear!"
• You have to be superhot to pull off wearing that much of that color. This lady (in peril) succeeds. Dress alone = OK, but dress + long gloves = wow.
• This cover rules and Rudolph Belarski was a pulp art genius. Such great lurid action. Just the idea of a lady dressed like this trying to escape out of what appears to be at least a second-story window — that's enough to convince me that peril is for real.
• Hand-on-wrist action right in the dead center of the cover, combined with the vividness of her splayed, aqua hand, really creates a sense of immediacy here.
• Her hair is fancy, her horrified expression believable, her rack exquisite.

Best things about this back cover:

• Inspector Tope, HA ha. That character writes itself. Not enough fall-down-drunk detectives in the crime fiction canon for my tastes.
• The sentence that begins "During..." is so convoluted that it makes me want to shoot myself, others.

Page 123~

And it was only when her back was turned that he realized she wore over her nightgown a negligee of metal cloth, bright as silver. This was Lola Cyr!

When are metal negligees going to make their comeback? I like a lady who's not afraid to wear chain mail to bed.

~RP

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Paperback 292: The Four False Weapons / John Dickson Carr (Popular Library 282)

Paperback 292: Popular Library 282 (1st ptg, 1950)

Title: The Four False Weapons
Author: John Dickson Carr
Cover artist: Uncredited (Bergey? Belarski?)

Yours for: $25


Best things about this cover:

• Another deservedly famous cover. Vivid, sensational, boobtastic.
• If it weren't for the evident violence that has been committed here, I would say her posture suggests an accompanying statement of "Go ahead, take them! Take my breasts! They are all yours, cheri!"
• The tendons on the back of his left hand are doing something awfully scary.
• I love the word "wanton" as a noun.

Best things about this back cover:

• OK, OK, I get it, she was a whore, a strumpet, an easy lay, etc. No need to belabor the obvious. Give the poor dead girl a break.
• Look, Sherloque, *I* could have told you that if you find four different weapons near a body, *at least* three of them are "false."
• The last line here takes the story from contrived to ridiculous.

Page 123~

Mrs. Toller had now an air of complete boredom. You would not have thought the broad-nostrilled nose could have gone so high without absurdity, yet there it was ...

Her high bored nose now provided shelter to several small animals and a family of Hobbits. And yet still, no absurdity. Astonishing.

~RP

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Paperback 255: Casualty / Robert Lowry (Popular Library 387)

Paperback 255: Popular Library 387 (1st ptg, 1951)

Title: Casualty
Author: Robert Lowry
Cover artist: uncredited

Yours for: $12


Best things about this cover:

• "... Women Without Morals"? More like "Women Without Vaginas." I'm just sayin', the tramp in the doorway with the beatific glow was definitely born a man.
• Joe got so distracted trying to hide his erection that he forgot he was holding a lit cigarette. This picture was taken about one second before Joe exclaimed "Fuck!" and threw the cigarette to the ground.
• Joe liked to tease the ladies by striking manly poses, and then, when women would show an interest, smiling and pointing to the sign by his head. A succession of knees to the groin taught him to stand like that.
• If anyone has an explanation for Frenchy McNewsieCap there in the background, I'd love to hear it.

Best things about this back cover:

• Not even WOMEN? Wow. That's bad. Whatever "that" is.
• "Even lush Maria ... didn't help much." Not having a vagina was probably a big part of the problem.
• "... and Colonel Polaski was waiting." Waiting for what!? If WOMEN didn't help, what did? All I can say is that if this book *doesn't* involve lots of rough gay sex, I'm going to be very disappointed.

Page 123~

"Let's get out of here, chum, I know a really nice place up the street where you can find something more than a bloody drink," the big Limey said.

OK, that has promise.

~RP

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Paperback 254: Cradle of the Sun / John Clagett (Popular Library 566)

Paperback 254: Popular Library 566 (1st ptg, 1954)

Title: Cradle of the Sun
Author: John Clagett
Cover artist: Robert Stanley

Yours for: $13


Best things about this cover:

• "Sorry, ladies! Filene's Attic is closed!"
• "I just flew in from Cleveland and boy are my arms tired ... get it? ... airplane [mimes airplane] ... yeesh, tough room."
• Rick Astley protects his Mayan mistress from the Spaniards: "Never gonna give her up ..."
• "Excuse me, sir, we mean no offense. It's just ... you have a bit of mole sauce under your right nipple ... just ... here. Might I suggest you try donning a shirt next time you partake of a meal?"

Best things about this back cover:

• No offense, ma'am, but: Worst Hat Ever. I wanna club her head with a stick and see if candy comes out.
• "Taut tale" — aw yeah, tell me more.
• She does not seem impressed with the size of their knives. In fact, I'm not convinced she's really looking at them. "Excuse me guys, I think I see Enrique over there. Oh Enrique!"

Page 123~

"By God, Suarez, rejoice! Your wit has at last produced an idea!"

~RP

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Paperback 251: Episode / Peter W. Denzer (Popular Library 621)

Paperback 251: Popular Library 621 (1st ptg, 1954)

Title: Episode
Author: Peter W. Denzer
Cover artist: uncredited

Yours for: not available (property of "Paperback 250" contest winner!)


Best things about this cover:

• "Why won't the braless zombie look at me directly!? O, the melancholy. Where's my diary...?"
• "Vanity, thy name is braless zombie."
• "I brought you that braless zombie milk you asked for, honey. You'll have to come over here and get it, as I can't take my eyes off this hideous portrait of myself."
• "Hard-hitting" = "It hurts!"

Best things about this back cover:

• "Shh! Did you hear that? Sounds like braless zombies!"
• "Oh god, please don't let her take my salmon throw pillow away!"
• "Many will flip straight to not like the brutal scenes of callous indifference; of patients in orgies for the amusement of attendants..."

Page 123~

He was free, but his freedom produced for the moment no more emotion than any short walk might have. His motive now in being free was not the motive which had produced his first plans. He was not sure what his motive was. He did not know where he was going.

Riveting! If only that paragraph had the word "motive" in it at least four more times.

~RP

Paperback 228: Crucible / Ben Ames Williams (Popular Library 113)

Paperback 228: Popular Library 113 (1st ptg, 1947)

Title: Crucible
Author: Ben Ames Williams
Cover artist: uncredited

Yours for: $12


Best things about this cover:

• "Crucible," Or "The Andrews Sisters Go To Hell"
• Sadness! Fear! Uh ... Sultry Boredom!

Best things about this back cover:

• Ugh, text. And not even a break or indention to separate the paragraphs. So lazy.
• If those three on the cover are "Mary, Phil and Barbara" ... I might have to read this book. I need to know more about "Phil"
• I can only hope that Ben Ames Williams went on to write a novel called "Leave the Strange Woman to Heaven"

Page 123~

Q. You went into the office? A. I stood in the doorway and reached the switch.
Q. Did that light the hall? A. Yes, enough.
Q. Did you see anything? A. I saw a woman lying on the hall floor.
Q. And you did what? A. Turned on the hall light to look at her.

"If you love page after page of mundane interrogation transcripts, you will love ... Crucible! If you loved Arthur Miller's "The Crucible," on the other hand ... well, that's historically impossible. It won't be performed for the first time for another six years."

~RP

Paperback 217: The Naked Sword / Anthea Mitchell (Popular Library 601)

Hey everyone - I'm going on vacation until next Sunday (Apr. 19). In order not to stop the flow of cover goodness, I am setting Blogger to autopost five or so paperback entries. Here's the deal, though. I haven't done commentary for any of them - this week, that's your job. For the next week, we will see what kind of observational gold you can deliver in the Comments section. Make me proud. Here's a practice round:

Paperback 217: Popular Library 601 (1st ptg, 1951)

Title: The Naked Sword
Author: Anthea Mitchell
Cover artist: uncredited

Yours for: $9


Page 123~

Then the bearded man rose to his feet and came down from the dais and Josselin saw that he was as great in stature almost as Sir Kevin O'Derg.

~RP