Paperback 348: River Queen / Charles N. Heckelmann (Graphic Giant G-221)

Paperback 348: Graphic Giant G-221 (2nd ptg, 1957)

Title: River Queen
Author: Charles N. Heckelmann
Cover artist: Uncredited

Yours for: $6


Best things about this cover:

• That's up there with the most maniacal expressions I've ever seen on these covers
• Either his upper body is way out of proportion to his lower body, or that is one blousey top
• Look at his right pinky—it's like he's holding a cup of tea
• Her boobs are going to come out of that dress in 5, 4, 3 ...
• Fear hand!
• "Rawhide II: Rawhider!"
• "War and Love on the Mighty ... Missouri?" Really? I'm sure it's a fine river, but it feels like carob to the Mississippi's chocolate, i.e. a poor substitute
• "Heckelmann?" Really?

Best things about this back cover:

• That boat explosion looks like it was drawn by a child—a child who has no concept of how things explode. I mean, the boat appears to be utterly intact. The explosion lines are comically straight and debris-free. The explosion *does* appear to have catapulted those two fighting guys high into the air—that's *pretty* realistic.
• "Indian-proof," HA ha. Wonder what SPF that is.
• "Hey, baby, mind if I battle my way up your flaming shores...?"

Here's the title page illustration:


Page 123~

The flag whipped jauntily in the stiff, morning breeze.

That comma is super ridiculous.

~RP

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57 Books from the University Book Sale: Book 24

Title: Down to Eternity (Gold Medal s550, 1956)
Author: Richard O'Connor
Cover artist: I think that's Charles Binger's signature

Yours for: $5

• "Efxcuse me, sfir, you're pholding my head afwittle tight..."
• "Does this life jacket smell clean to you, Mary!? Well does it!? Whoa, is that an iceberg?"
• Next time you really want to annoy a woman, accuse her of riding the "P.M.S. Titanic" (that's what that life jacket says, right?)
• This book was reviewed in the New York Times (found this page trying to hunt down the date of this book, which appears to lack a proper title and publishing info page)

• Easy on the bloated hyperbole, junior.
• Oh, R.M.S. Titanic ... yeah, that makes more sense.

Page 123~

Still clad in his dressing gown, he bustled around the boat deck and undoubtedly made a great nuisance of himself.

~RP

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Paperback 259: Lincoln's Commando / Ralph J Roske and Charles van Doren (Pyramid G356)

Paperback 259: Pyramid G356 (1st ptg, 1958)

Title: Lincoln's Commando
Author: Ralph J. Roske and Charles Van Doren
Cover artist: Herb Mott

Yours for: SOLD (7/19/09)


Best things about this cover:

• The title and picture made me laugh out loud the first time I saw it. That is the only reason I own this book. "Arnold Schwarzenegger is ... Lt. William Cushing in ... Lincoln's Commando!"
• Actually, this guy looks more like ... who's that guy from "Ned and Stacey" and "Sideways?" Thomas Hayden Church?
• The rebels on the Albemarle appear to be shooting in random directions and possibly at each other.
• The water under Cushing's boat appears to be breaking on ... more, differently colored water. Weird.
• Here we see Cushing continuing the time-honored tradition of deck-edge weapon-dancing begun years earlier by the infamous Pirate Wench.

Best things about this back cover:

• Not much. We do get to see the NYT succumbing to a bout of sensational alliteration. That's slightly interesting.
• Apparently Cushing was a daring daredevil with a daredevil career of daredeviltry. He was also fearless. And daring.

Page 123~

He was pleased to discover that his adventures were well known in the town, that the paper reported his arrival on its front page, and that all the little boys hung on his every word when they could get him to describe his exploits — and not only the little boys; everyone seemed appreciative.

"[...] and not only the little boys ... I mean, not that he's particularly into little boys or anything. Really, he was popular with everyone. I swear. Forget what I said about the boys."

~RP

P.S. Thanks for keeping up with my stepped-up summer publication pace. I'm loving the volume and quality of comments. Happy that the blog has a modest but loyal and reliably smart/funny following. Keep it up.

P.P.S. Thanks for the links, the tweets, and any other form of promotion you've provided for this site. Truly, deeply appreciated.

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter]

Paperback 254: Cradle of the Sun / John Clagett (Popular Library 566)

Paperback 254: Popular Library 566 (1st ptg, 1954)

Title: Cradle of the Sun
Author: John Clagett
Cover artist: Robert Stanley

Yours for: $13


Best things about this cover:

• "Sorry, ladies! Filene's Attic is closed!"
• "I just flew in from Cleveland and boy are my arms tired ... get it? ... airplane [mimes airplane] ... yeesh, tough room."
• Rick Astley protects his Mayan mistress from the Spaniards: "Never gonna give her up ..."
• "Excuse me, sir, we mean no offense. It's just ... you have a bit of mole sauce under your right nipple ... just ... here. Might I suggest you try donning a shirt next time you partake of a meal?"

Best things about this back cover:

• No offense, ma'am, but: Worst Hat Ever. I wanna club her head with a stick and see if candy comes out.
• "Taut tale" — aw yeah, tell me more.
• She does not seem impressed with the size of their knives. In fact, I'm not convinced she's really looking at them. "Excuse me guys, I think I see Enrique over there. Oh Enrique!"

Page 123~

"By God, Suarez, rejoice! Your wit has at last produced an idea!"

~RP

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Paperback 188: Witch of Salem / Benjamin Siegel (Gold Medal 307)

Paperback 188: Gold Medal 307 (PBO, 1953)

Title: Witch of Salem

Author: Benjamin Siegel
Cover artist: A. Sewell (not sure where I got this info ... you can see the initials "A.S." in the bottom left corner)

Yours for: $13


Best things about this cover:

• The trees. I mean, Goody Housewife is very hot and all, even in the Dracula cape, but those trees are something else.
• "The exciting story of a woman ... who was concerned that it might be starting to rain."
• I like that the dying of men and women and the fighting of God and Satan are made to sound like coincidental events. "People were dying everywhere you turned. Meanwhile, at God's house ..."

Best things about this back cover:

• "The children began it" is a horribly ominous sentence. Also, a horrible sentence. "It?" Man, don't make me go back into the previous paragraph looking for the referent.
• "Too young for love" was, I believe, a Frankie Valli song from 1962

Page 123~

"Harboring a witch, she was. Two of them. And mayhap she herself is no innocent, though up to now Abigail has made no charge against her."

"Witch of Salem," by Benjamin Siegel. Additional dialogue provided by Yoda.

~RP

Paperback 167: The Private Life of Julius Caesar / William Marston (Universal Giant no. 6)

Paperback 167: Universal Giant no. 6 (1st ptg, 1953)

Title: The Private Life of Julius Caesar
Author: William Marston
Cover artist: George Geygan

Yours for: $25


Best things about this cover:

OK, stop. Hammer time. This book was written by the creator of "Wonder Woman." I Am Not Kidding. And yet none of the booksellers at abebooks mention the connection between this book and "Wonder Woman." You'd think that fact would be one of the main selling points. As I looked at the book, I thought "William Marston" sounded familiar, and then I looked inside and saw the author's middle name (Moulton), which rang even more bells. Then I googled. Holy Krap. From Wikipedia:

Dr. William Moulton Marston (May 9, 1893 – May 2, 1947) was an American psychologist, feminist theorist, inventor, and comic book author who created the character Wonder Woman. Two women, his wife Elizabeth Holloway Marston and Olive Byrne, (who lived with the couple in a polyamorous relationship), served as exemplars for the character and greatly influenced her creation.^[1][2]

He was inducted into the Comic Book Hall of Fame in 2006.

• "Polyamorous" pretty much describes this cover - I count five different sexual permutations on the front cover alone - and wait til you see the back cover (and the spine!)
• I love that a "feminist theorist" inspired this (awesome) cover. I guess she who reclines on the bed with the chalice of viscous mauve goo makes the rules. "OK, you kneel! Now you, you kneel more! Kneel wheel!"
• I love how the whipping scene is strategically placed for her (our) viewing pleasure.

Best things about this spine!!!!:

• I love how the kinkiest (albeit minutest) scene in the whole tableau is on the spine - no matter how it's shelved, You Will See Flesh.

Best things about this back cover:

• I know this is an odd thing to say, given the rampant nudity, but those are some well-drawn horses.
• "Your calves are so smooth..." "Oh, that's just the satyr urine. It works wonders. Here, let us pour some on your back..."
• Jeez, a crucifixion, too? It's like the painting's running out of ways to exploit the female form.

Page 123~

from a chapter titled, I swear to god, "Ladies' Night"

The pretty young neophyte walked straight to the golden gate, as she had been told to do, and gave her name and that of her sponsor to the door-slave who stood behind the golden bars.

And thus began the first recorded A.A. meeting.

P.S. "door-slave"?

~RP

Paperback 134: Letter of Marque / Andrew Hepburn (Ace D-440)

Paperback 134: Ace D-440 (1st ptg, 1960)

Title: Letter of Marque
Author: Andrew Hepburn
Cover artist: uncredited

Yours for: $7


Best things about this cover:

• "My these seas are certainly heaving ..."
• Jebus, look how nicely she has gift-wrapped those things for us. They're Tremendous!
• OMG is she dead? Her neck! Between the garrote and the cover crease, terrible things appear to be happening to her head. Look at her glassy eyes. Is she tied to the mast of the world's gayest ship? Is she an ethereal sea goddess emanating from the ships below? I think I'll just stare at her breasts some more and try not to think about it too much.
• "Replete with action ..." - well, at least we know the guy at the Herald-Tribune did well on his SATs.

Best things about this back cover:

• "Action and more action is Author Hepburn's motto ..." - o man that's sad. I don't know what's sadder - that he has a motto at all, or that it's so lame.
• Is it wrong that I think his girlfriend's name looks vaguely like "Madeleine de Vagina?"
• "Stockton is a swashbuckling hero who's not afraid to ... cut through red tape!?" OK, that was totally *not* in your motto, dude. Boooring. Hepburn needs to get some lessons from Rafael Sabatini, and "Capt. Stockton," if that is his real name, needs to call Errol Flynn for some pointers.

Page 123~

She was stiff and weatherly, and the broad track of her wake gave evidence of her effortless pace, as she rose over the small seas with no check to her speed.

I ... think that was the sex scene.

RP~

Paperback 54: Nero / Frank Castle (Avon T-521)

Paperback 54: Avon T-521 (1st ptg, 1961)

Title: Nero
Author: Frank Castle
Cover artist: Uncredited (but possibly James Meese - see if you agree)


"Man, why does Nero get all the hot semi-naked chicks, while I gotta wear this silly pants-less uniform with 75-lb headgear? It's not fair. I'm telling mom."

Best things about this cover:

• Yet another example of the nipple-free female - the great unheralded malady of mid-20th-century America (and ancient Rome, I guess)
• Love the emperor's expression and pose: "That's right. I'm the emperor. Naked ladies love me, not you. Whaddya gonna do about it, Mr. Feather-headed No-Pants? Nothing. Peel me a grape, that's what you're gonna do."
• Spine reads: "A Historical by Frank Castle" - I love when I can comment on a book's spine. They really knew how to use the Whole Book back in the day...
• The cover is well and truly beautiful, actually. The colors, the composition ... I'm telling you, this cover isn't spectacular, but walk into any Barnes & Noble and check out the front table and you'll see how badly modern book design / cover art suffers by comparison. This painting is rich in color and detail. It's textured. It's fundamentally not cooked up in some advertising lab.
• Sword = drooping phallus = sad Centurion
• I don't require much of my novels ... as long as they are "throbbing."

RP

Paperback 21: Graphic Giant G-216

Paperback 21: Graphic Giant G-216 (1st Graphic ptg, 1956)

Title: The Private Life of Helen of Troy
Author: John Erskine
Cover artist: Unknown :(

Yours for: $8

Best things about this cover:

• This is one of the worst cover paintings - in terms of pure artistic quality - that I've ever seen. Mucky, awkward, poor in detail. Just a mess. And yet...
• Nice rack. Seriously. Her bangs are terrible, but her boobs ... are not. There is another, earlier version of this same book (which I own) that is famous for its "nipple cover" - but you'll have to wait for that one.
• If the background is to be believed, Troy was destroyed by a nuclear holocaust of some kind
• This is a wraparound cover, where the painting continues onto the spine and then the back of the book...

Best thing about this back cover:

• First word: GAY!
• Boats make every cover better
• If I'm counting correctly, there are a total of 4 Helens on this book's front and back covers. That is almost certainly a record for appearances of one character on a single cover

RP

Paperback 13: Popular Library 669

Paperback 13: Popular Library 669 (1st ptg, 1955)

Title: Sail the Dark Tide
Author: Davenport Steward (I hope for his sake that that's a pen name)
Cover artist: Unknown (looks like Earle Bergey a little)

Yours for: $6



Best things about this cover:

• The hollering guy in the SE corner: "All hands on deck! The lady's showing skin!"
• Least sea-worthy dress ever
• "I can't decide if I want to shoot someone or stab someone. Luckily, I'm prepared to do both."
• V-neck!: That guy's wearing two tons of military finery, but he could not bring himself to deprive the world of his mighty patch of chest hair
• The condition: condition is horrible, obviously, but somehow the smeary chaos seems to fit in with the action of the painting

And the back cover:


"Hmmm, let's see. She's smoking hot and I'm a greasy thick-necked guy dressed like an extra from "H.M.S. Pinafore." Should I grab her ass or not?"

I am seized with a desire to name something, anything, "Wyck."

And why is there a hyphen between "found" and "ecstasy?" Editor!

"Beaumont Journal" = least prestigious blurber of all time

RP

Paperback 6 - Dell D102

Paperback 6 - Dell D102 (1st ptg, 1952)

Title: Great Smith
Author: Edison Marshall
Cover artist: Robert Stanley

Yours for: SOLD (June '09)


Best things about this cover (Where to begin!?):

• "I'm ... too sexy for this shirt..."
• Peek-a-boo pants!? Why not?
• World's least supportive bra: "Keeps your breasts from floating up toward your face!"
• "Great Smith"??? "Smith" somehow doesn't go - it's anticlimactic, like "Fabulous Jones." Unless this guy is, in fact, one hell of a blacksmith.
• I want all of you who read this to start using the exclamation "Great Smith!" in your daily lives in place of profanity.

This is definitely from the cheesier regions of my collections. Despite its bad condition, and its ordinariness, its cheapness, its run-of-the-millness, I love this book - or this cover, I should say; I certainly haven't read it. Stanley is a great realist cover artist, and though his women always look the same, his art has a softness to its edges that makes it very easy on the eye, very pleasant to stare at. Still, it's hard to imagine someone, anyone, looking at this book in line at the supermarket and thinking, "Wow, that guy is Hot!" That said, I would kill to look like him from the neck down.

This book also has a painted back cover! More art!


Best things about this back cover:

• "I bring you ... maize" (which here looks like a giant puff of smoke, likely the result of a sticker pull)
• "Magnificent, lusty love-making" - that's both graphic and oddly tepid
• I believe that knight to be quite anachronistic, unless Great Smith is jousting in some early RenFest

RP