Friday, February 25, 2011

One-Scoop Wonder Matt Drudge just can’t resist an opportunity to relive the glory days of stained blue dresses and impeachment hearings, even if it means posting a 5-alarm headline link to a story so weak, the headline vanished before I finished this post.

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Posted by StrangeAppar8us on 02/25/11 at 06:53 PM
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Now that “Two and a Half Men” has been canceled — in the wake of Charlie Sheen’s spectacular self-immolation on the Alex Jones radio show — Sheen has penned an open letter to assure the world that he is totally in command of Cosmic Balance at his Fortress of Sexitude in the Bahamas, and that, together, we can all overcome a world of lies, envy and Jew-bastard bosses like TAAHM co-creator Chuck Lorre (aka Haim Levine):

What does this say about Haim Levine after he tried to use his words to judge and attempt to degrade me. I gracefully ignored this folly for 177 shows ... I fire back once and this contaminated little maggot can’t handle my power and can’t handle the truth. I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words—imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists. I urge all my beautiful and loyal fans who embraced this show for almost a decade to walk with me side-by-side as we march up the steps of justice to right this unconscionable wrong. Remember these are my people ... not yours…we will continue on together… Charlie Sheen

Posted by StrangeAppar8us on 02/25/11 at 12:45 PM
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If you monitor wingnut blogs at all, you’ve no doubt heard about a DC “union thug” who used a placard to swat a FreedomWorks activist’s iPhone out his face, touching off an amusing round of garment-rending, persecution-imagining and revenge-avowing. Watch the swatted iPhone footage if you dare; it’s the most ghastly, wanton infliction of carnage since the Breitbart Egg-Trocity:

Absolutely chilling. And the iPhone-owner’s reference to her “personal property” clearly indicates that the assault was on her diminutive female person.

Everyone who’s anyone in the wingnutosphere was shouting this from the rooftops yesterday. Breitbart has probably locked up the BigThug domain name.

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Posted by Betty Cracker on 02/25/11 at 08:09 AM
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Thursday, February 24, 2011

We may soon find out.

ANNAPOLIS, FEBRUARY 24, 2011 - Today the Maryland Senate voted 25-21 to pass SB 116, the Civil Marriage Protection Act, legislation that would end the exclusion of gay and lesbian couples from marriage in Maryland. Equality Maryland, along with members of the Senate and everyday Marylanders who believe in fairness, celebrate this victory and acknowledge the work ahead to make marriage equality a reality.

The bill now goes to the House of Delegates. Free Staters can get contact info. here.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to prepare for the NOMbie invasion.

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Posted by Hunger Tallest Palin on 02/24/11 at 09:40 PM
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Yes, Rolling Stone, not content with crushing Ex-Gen. Stanley McChrystal like an eggshell, has now set its sights on Lt. General William Caldwell, in charge of training troops in Afghan.  And this is a heck of a lot crazier than just having a bunch of your goons sitting around in the Officers Club bar dissing President Obama to a reporter.  No, Caldwell wanted his “psy-ops” guys (yes, that term is as creepy as it sounds) figure out how to brainwash visiting Congresspeeps into giving the military lots more money for Afghanistan!  And reporter Michael Hastings is naming names and giving dates and transcribing conversations and stuff.  Journalism!!  Real, gutsy investigative journalism.  From ROLLING STONE!  Feel stupid MSM?  You should.

Anway, I digress.  The crux of the situation is that Caldwell ordered Lt. Col. Michael Holmes, lead brainwasher, who is only supposed to be brainwashing enemy brains, to prepare dossiers on visiting Senators and Representatives so they could figure out what would push their buttons and get them to start throwing money at Afghanistan when they got home.  Apparently some of the targeted group were senators John McCain, Joe Lieberman, (like those guys needed any persuasion) Jack Reed, Al Franken and Carl Levin.

Holmes, noting that this was actually specifically against the law balked initially and had some correspondence about this with the legal guys.  Who agreed.  So then Caldwell decided to put the screws on Holmes by investigating him and accusing him of spending too much time on Facebook and being flippant there to boot!  And a bunch of other bad stuff like drinking whiskey and going off base in civvies.  Ultimately the whole psy-op group got demoted to public relations ops.

But here’s the creepy part (cue Twilight Zone theme): 

As for the operation targeting U.S. senators, there is no way to tell what, if any, influence it had on American policy. What is clear is that in January 2011, Caldwell’s command asked the Obama administration for another $2 billion to train an additional 70,000 Afghan troops – an initiative that will already cost U.S. taxpayers more than $11 billion this year. Among the biggest boosters in Washington to give Caldwell the additional money? Sen. Carl Levin, one of the senators whom Holmes had been ordered to target.

Aiiieeeee!! 

Check it out - it’s a great read.  And the military reportedly began an investigation within hours of the story’s release.

Posted by marindenver on 02/24/11 at 07:56 PM
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Future Cobra Commander/“Die Hard” Baddie Nouri Masood El Mesmari relaxes between spittle-flecked outbursts.

Earlier this week, Nouri Masood El Mesmari, Muammar Gaddafi’s Secretary of Protocol, resigned from office and called for Gaddafi to be deposed. Now living in exile in what appears to be Paris, he has become one of the regime’s most ferocious critics.

Please understand, I’m totally down with that. Unfortunately, Mr. El Mesmari is a scary-angry guy with Dick Cheney teeth and a prosthetic eye that’s aimed the wrong way and never blinks, even when the other one does. These things are not his fault, obviously. However, you have to admit there’s a lot of gratuitous Bond-villain accessorizing here that suggests he’s consciously “working” the image. I mean, Jesus, just look at him. Is it any wonder his last job was “Dictator Henchman”?

Plus, he yells a great deal and constantly gives the impression that, any moment, tentacles could burst from his chest to shoot acid or bat-like brain parasites at the studio crew. It makes me very uneasy to watch him, and my cats refuse to be in the same room when he is on the screen.

If you could interview Mr. El Mesmari a little less frequently, or by phone, I would be very much obliged. I’m sure you agree that Al Jazeera does not want to be known as the “Yelling-Scary-Angry-Alien-Impostor” network. One FoxNews is plenty.

Thanks in advance.

Posted by StrangeAppar8us on 02/24/11 at 12:06 PM
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In a phone call to State Television, Brother Leader said he blames drugs and Bin Laden for alienating his country’s affections, and can’t believe it wasn’t satisfied with his selfless love, nice things and generous low-interest auto loans.

Then he hung up. But you just know he’ll be all over Libya’s answering machine later.

[UPDATE:] The Twitters are having a field day with this:

Dear Gadaffi: Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold as we broadcast your ramblings, or press 1 to speak to a puppet master.

Posted by StrangeAppar8us on 02/24/11 at 09:06 AM
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Straight from Boo-Fucking-Hoo-Ville:

The most extraordinary story in the news these days is the all-out assault that the Left is mounting against Charles and David Koch and their company, Koch Enterprises. A day doesn’t go buy—hardly an hour goes by—without some new attack being launched against these two lonely libertarians.

The Kochs plot hourly to glom onto ever-larger shares of the national pie, so it’s hardly surprising if they get a fork in the paw every now and then. The fact they’re becoming infamous for it gives me hope that this country isn’t beyond, well, hope.

Posted by Betty Cracker on 02/24/11 at 07:57 AM
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Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Seriously.  His spokespeep’s official response to Obama’s announcement that he believes DOMA is unconstitutional and the DOJ will no longer defend it was:

While Americans want Washington to focus on creating jobs and cutting spending, the President will have to explain why he thinks now is the appropriate time to stir up a controversial issue that sharply divides the nation,

Are you kidding me?!? Since the latest Congress convened the Repubs have not done one thing that could be considered “job creating”.  Instead they have focused on redefining “rape” to require that women be beat up or it doesn’t count,  and trying to ram through massive spending cuts, including de-funding public broadcasting and Planned Parenthood’s community health centers.  And given the news that these spending cuts could eliminate up to, count ‘em, 1,000,000 jobs, Speaker John “Let Them Eat Cake” Boehner responded “so be it”.

I guess I should be deeply offended that, after doing nothing whatsoever to create jobs, Boehner criticizes Obama’s announcement regarding DOMA because he should be out there creating more jobs instead!!!  However, for those who are incapable of multi-tasking, people like Obama must make them feel rather inadequate and inclined to lash out irrationally.  Plus IOKIYAR.

UPDATE  Bahahahahaha!  Mike Huckabee says gay marriage doesn’t just kill jobs it kills heterosexual marriages!

Huckabee opposes gay marriage on the grounds that, according to him, it destroys traditional families.

“There is a quantified impact of broken families,” Huckabee said. “[There is a] $300 billion dad deficit in America every year…that’s the amount of money that we spend as taxpayers to pick up the pieces because dads are derelict in their duties.”

Millions of dads are abandoning their families because . . . GAY MARRIAGE!  Who knew?  Man, they are really getting desperate with their *arguments*.

Posted by marindenver on 02/23/11 at 03:22 PM
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Oh wait:

In a major reversal, the Obama administration has notified Congress that it will no longer defend the federal law that says marriage can exist only between a man and a woman.

Attorney General Eric Holder says he has recommended, and the president has agreed, that the law unconstitutionally discriminates against same-sex couples who are legally married but whose status is not recognized by the federal government.

But there’s really no difference between Republicans and Democrats. Don’t make a big deal about it. The NOM-NOMs aren’t:

WASHINGTON – The National Organization for Marriage responded to President Obama calling upon the Department of Justice to stop defending the Defense of Marriage Act:

“We have not yet begun to fight for marriage,” said Brian Brown, president of NOM.

“The Democrats are responding to their election loss with a series of extraordinary, extra-constitutional end runs around democracy, whether it’s fleeing the state in Wisconsin and Indiana to prevent a vote, or unilaterally declaring homosexuals a protected class under our Constitution, as President Obama just did,” said Brown. “We call on the House to intervene to protect DOMA, and to tell the Obama administration they have to respect the limits on their power. This fight is not over, it has only begun!”

Heh. Anything that makes those homophobic jackwagons all sputtery is full of win.

Posted by Betty Cracker on 02/23/11 at 01:50 PM
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Ian Murphy from the Buffalo Beast heard that Scott Walker was refusing to take calls from the AWOL WI Democrats.

Who would he talk to? How about David Koch?

Part 2 after the fold.

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Posted by YAFB on 02/23/11 at 07:16 AM
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Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Chicago bows down before its new overlord.

Surviving members of the Hillary Clinton Sarah Palin Resistance Until Everyone Apologizes Don’t Ask Why You Know What You Did League flee city, seek asylum in South Bend.

Posted by Hunger Tallest Palin on 02/22/11 at 08:39 PM
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Somewhere, there’s a quirky, autocratic, Galt-like CEO who thought this was a good idea, but he’ll fire the agency for giving him what he wanted.

Just when I thought it couldn’t get worse, I clicked on their Web page.

And, yes. there seems to be a weird Jim Jones/Waco synchronicity thing going on today. but fuck if I can explain it.

Posted by StrangeAppar8us on 02/22/11 at 04:41 PM
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OK, I made that part up. But it would have fit right in with the most surreal hour-plus soliloquy since Jim Jones’ “Time to Go” speech in the Kool-Aid tent. In what was rightly described as a “lunatic rant” by an Al Jazeera commentator, Libya’s soon-to-be-comatose ruler read off a list of death penalty offenses; blamed his nation’s riots on “rats,” “agents” and “drugged youths”; praised China and the Soviet Union for violently crushing political dissent; and even suggested Waco as a template for preserving national unity.

No one knows if the presentation was live or taped, but it was obviously produced on-the-fly: Every few minutes, an off-screen minion would hand him a freshly-typed page, which Brother Leader would squint at in silence for several moments before launching into a new and totally-unrelated riff. 

Here are a few of the standout quotes, gleaned from the ‘Net:

I am a fighter, a revolutionary from tents ... I will die as a martyr at the end.

I have not yet ordered the use of force, not yet ordered one bullet to be fired ... when I do, everything will burn.

I will stay until the last drop of blood is spilled. Those who defy me will be executed. I will not leave. I will die as a martyr. Damn those who try to stir unrest.

People in front of tanks were crushed. The unity of China was more important than those people in Tiananmen Square.

When Tiananmen Square happened, tanks were sent in to deal with them. It’s not a joke. I will do whatever it takes to make sure part of the country isn’t taken away.

You men and women who love Gaddafi ...get out of your homes and fill the streets. Leave your homes and attack them in their lairs…Starting tomorrow the cordons will be lifted, go out and fight them.

Libya wants glory, Libya wants to be at the pinnacle, at the pinnacle of the world.

NRO has a wider selection here.

[UPDATE:] Time reports Gaddafi has ordered the destruction of oil pipelines to Mediterranean seaports.

Posted by StrangeAppar8us on 02/22/11 at 12:46 PM
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In a bizarre short music video, Gaddafi assures Libyans that he only wants to see them laughing in the purple rain:

According to the translation, Gaddafi says he wanted to address the “youths in Green Square” in person but was prevented from doing so by the rain. Well, why not just use that big fucking golf umbrella?

Also note the interesting mode of transportation and post-industrial backdrop. Rain delay my ass: He’s hiding so they don’t string him up. And if he has any brains at all, he’s trying to get out of the country.

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Posted by Betty Cracker on 02/22/11 at 05:29 AM
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